Need Advice - Germantown, WI

I agree with the dont argue with him in front of the kids. When things are calm around the house like maybe after the kids go to bed I would tell him that you want to discuss something with him and that in no way do you want to make him feel like your are attacking him. It is important to make him feel like you are going to calmly discuss it rather than use "you messages" say something like " I feel that the kids are treated differently. I have noticed _______ happens when the kids fight, etc. Using specific examples might help him realize that sometimes he does tend to favor his own kids over the older one. Tell him that you just feel like you need to talk about this.

Hope this helps a little bit.

1st things first, this may have nothing to do with the fact that your son is not your hubbys "natural" child. It could simply be that your son is older, more responsable, or just listens better than the 3 year old so its just simply easier for your husband to react to him rather than your daughter and get the result of "no more kid conflict"
Try this, next time you see a conflict between the 2 children and your hubby jump to disapline your son GENTLY suggest a short time out for your daughter as well ie: "Annie, fighting with your brother is not allowed so you will also need to go to time out for 3 minutes"
If you do this calmly both children will realize that they cant play the two of you against eachother and hopefully your good parenting example will rube off on your hubby.

First things first. You need to MAKE your husband hear you. Have someone take the kids for a few hours and sit down with your husband and CALMLY tell him that his behavior with the kids cannot go on.

Tell him how much it hurts you to see how he treats your oldest now that he has "his own" kids. Considering that he is the only dad your oldest has ever known, your son should be considered "his own" too.

Then, you need to tell him that part of parenting is discipline. If he is not going to stick with it and enforce it then there will be some serious problems.

Your daughter already knows that she can do no wrong when it comes to dad so she will continue to act badly.
It will only get worse as she gets older and she will be unbearable to be around.

I know this first hand because my older sister was the one in my family that could do no wrong.

Your husband needs to grow up and start acting like a parent to ALL of his children.
It may get to the point where you will need to take him and go to a family counselor if he doesn't change his ways.

Good luck. You will definitly be in my prayers.

Hi A.,

If you are noticing a difference in the way your hubby treats your children you are probably right however I wouldn't jump the gun on the reasoning behind it. You may want to look into local parenting classes with the community or church. I had a similar issue with my husband with inconsistant discipline between the children and I talked and fought with my husband for years. I thought it could have had something to do with him being from a broken home and I wasn't or he didn't want to deal with the hard problems or he favored our daughter. I ended up just dealing with it for a while, which sometimes meant jumping in when he went to far or not far enough - pretty much doing it myself. Recently we started going to a parenting class at our church - I think both of us wanted to go as a way to meet people at church (especially parents) and get some new ideas on parenting. Well, we got into several long discussions within the class and outside that I don't think we would have discussed on our own. Hearing other people's problems in addition to discovering how others grew up and learned their parenting techniques really got us to analyse our views.(especially him) My husband was always easier on our daughter than his sons and he realized that it wasn't because she was the only girl or his "princess" but because he had been raised in a family of boys and didn't know how to treat a girl except how he was told to treat them by his mother as a child. That was if a girl was bothering you to ask them politely to stop and if that didn't work you had to either sit there and deal with it or walk away. That was exactly how he dealt with our daughter. The boys he would keep on until they listened and if they didn't the punishment increased which is how he was allowed to treat his brothers when babysitting and noone was around. He was also different with them by their ages and that may have stemmed also from how his parents raised him. There were also times he admitted to being harder on a child because he felt like I was being too easy or easy on our one son because he feels he understands him and had made similar mistakes as a child. Now he sees it and we are working toward some changes to bring our parenting styles closer together and to be fair to all the children. It has really brought us together too.(as a couple and as a family)

Hey A.,
All I can say is your thier mom and have to defend them, no one else is going to do it. Go with your instinct, if you feel one child is getting treated diffrently, nip it in the butt right away.
My mother got married when I was 6 yrs old and I also had a 4 yr old brother. They had a baby togather and we were treated like well to put it nicely, DIRT!
I won't go into nasty details, but as a adult it still effects me and my brother to be treated like that by your own parents!
And it also effects my feelings towards my mother, who did not defend us or do anything to stop it! Needless to say, we don't talk much.
I say defend the kids! Even if it means going to the extreme to do so. I suggest counseling!
Don't ignore the issue!

Hi there.

I only have one child, a 4 year old girl and up until recently my husband could not discipline her effectively and he just got so wound up he went nuts with the yelling and screaming. I'd try to talk to him about how he was letting himself get out of control etc, and he'd just get really defensive and storm out. It also seemed like our little miss enjoyed pushing her daddies buttons too.

So I enrolled my hubby and myself in a one night parenting class called 1,2,3 Magic. There we learned about effectively disciplining children in a positive manner that actually allows them to be in control of their own actions. It's like a modified version of giving time outs.

We've been doing this for two weeks now and the difference is amazing. If she engages in any kind of behavior that's unacceptable in any way we say, "that's one". If she doesn't immediately stop we say, "that's two". If we get to three then she goes to her room for a time out that lasts 1 minute for every year old she is. So we set the egg timer in her room out of her reach for 4 minutes. We remind her that when it dings she can come out. It works beautifully! You don't have to get wound up, screaming or yelling, or trying to reason, it's awesome! I just thought that perhaps if you came up with a game plan that both you and your hubby could use, you all would be much happier. Then maybe hubby can find it easier to be more fair with everyone???

You're seven year old will understand 1,2,3 right away and your three year old will pick it up quickly within 10 days or so.

Here is a link with more info on 1,2,3 Magic.

http://cyberparent.com/spoiled/123magic.htm

Good luck!!

-H

that is a tough situation I would start with your 7 year old and ask him what he feels about it and if there is a consern with him you should sit down with your son and the father and have the son ask the dad why he does this. It is much easier for your hubby to ignore you and get upset but when the child is explaining a consern it is too heart filled to blow off. Your hubby will only have to answer his child even if it is not his real child. When he got in the relationship he excepted the role of father hood. All children should be treated the same and all parents should have an open communication on the way they will raise their children. Your daughter needs to be set down and asked why she gets so angry it may be the new baby and that she is the middle child. I guess what I am trying to say is communication on all parts is best. If this doesn't work mabey a family therapist would help. I know in my family we have sunday family day we do something fun and at supper we all sit down and talk about our week and feelings. It has been a big help.

I would suggest counseling. Believe me if you feel that way your son has felt that way longer. Family counseling would be ideal that way it will give your son chance to really say what he feels with out feeling scared. God Bless