Just Call Me "Moderator Mom"

Have them sit down together in a room. No one else is with them. have them use the "I" statements. I feel bad when you.... I feel you don't listen to me when.... have them write the 'i' down. rules are to listen to each other and be specific. no one is to say i don't do that or that's not me. they have to listen to each other and think how their actions may be making the other person feel.

try it and see. good luck

Lots of wonderful solutions are being suggested. Would you feel comfortable taking an all girls trip somewhere without the hubby and kids? This would provide a wonderful time for dad to bond with kids.

Well, at 15 you're both bound to be drooling idiots to him. Take into account that he's a teenager and things are going to be different with him. But my first thought is what kind of quality time do they spend together? Does Dad toss the football with him at all? No doubt they were a lot closer when he was younger, but there's a lot of play involved then. I think maybe Dad needs to spend some special time with the boys to regain their "friendship" and respect. It's worth a shot anyway, even if it doesn't work. They're still kids and still need mommy and daddy.

You may think this is harsh, but I think you should let them fix it. Get out of the middle. You are helping your husband raise a man. At this point, your husband should be doing the majority of the teaching. We can tell our sons how we like to be treated so that they will, hopefully, treat their girlfriends and wives right. But we cannot teach them how to be a man. It will hurt at first. Your son may even make you feel like you're not there. I have a 12 year old, and I'm doing the best I can, his father's not around. I have to make sure he has a proper male influence (my brother) and when he's being taught, I have to stay out of it. He used to look at me like I let him down, until I explained that I am not a man, have never been one, ... and that I can't teach him how to be one. He understands now and I hope that will remain true throughout his growing years. I just make sure to reinforce that I love him and I do what I do because I feel it will help him to be the best man he can be. Bottom line, be strong and be mom. Oh, one other thing, make sure it doesn't appear to either your sons or your husband that you are undermining dad's authority. That could cause even bigger problems. I hope I helped.

Trust me I am no expert on a situation such as yours, but I just had a thought that might help. It sounds like your family has a pretty hectic schedule, but with a pretty good balance of sharing the work load between your husband and yourself. My suggestion is that your husband and your sons should pick a hobby to do together; such as golfing, fishing, etc. where they can dedicate a Saturday afternoon every week to talking and bonding together. This way maybe they will understand more about whats going on with each other without having to use you as their mediator; plus maybe this would give you some much needed girl time! Hope this helps!

If you're like me, you are always trying to makeit 'fair'and not have either one with their feelings hurt. I was always, always, always in the middle and I felt like a referee. I still do sometimes but only because they try to put me in the middle. I have stopped doing it to myself. I want them to have a relationship so they need to work it out. I will often advise or listen to my husband on the backside but for the most part, they are on their own. I didn't form my relationship with my boys by using a referee...nor can our husbands. They are fully capable, but if your hubby is like mine, they like us to make things easier or just tell them the short version. It's going to take work but on their part, not yours. There were times that my hubby and I fought about the way things were handled but never in ear shot of the boys. If he refused to listen, I stopped and just said...okay, but still stayed out of it. It was hard to bite my tongue but it is getting better because of it. Good luck to you and God bless!!

my answer is simple...get out of the middle! you think him a reasonable man or you would/should not stay married to him! those are his kiddos tooo...so in essence, but out and let them have their father! he won't parent your way, but he will parent! and they are boys! and he is their FATHER! the most importiant parent in a GROWING MAN'S LIFE is another man!
best wishes

I would say you should let them both know that you are not the Moderator any more! Make sure the boy knows that your husband is also his father and it is your job to support him and for the two of you to back each other up in your endeavors with the children. I would take a careful look at what you have been doing as a "moderator" and make sure you haven't been inadvertantly undermining your husband's authority as the father of a teenage boy. I have two boys and have gone through the same thing, although mine aren't that old yet. My hubby and I sat down and made sure our basic beliefs and truths were compatible and then I shut my mouth and trusted him to handle things the way he felt best. Good luck and take lots of deep breaths.

I know that it's hard, but if you don't want to be in the middle, it's up to you to get out of it. Just stop. Are they his sons, too? Express to each and both of them your concerns during "peace time" (if you must say something at all) and let them manage their relationships (each son with his father and vice versa). Meanwhile, know that males tend to buck other males, especially those in authority, once they reach a certain age. It's a rite of passage and a major learning experience. It happens all throughout the animal kingdom, and we're no different in that regard.

Take good care.

Your question is "How can I get my husband & some to communicate with out me being in the middle"
Well, you are in the middle because you put yourself in the middle.... its your choice.
Step back.
Go on a weekend trip without them and let them figure it out.
Give them an opportunity and they might just suprise you.
Think about your behavior and what you can do differently.
Your family is responding to YOU.
I wish you and yours the best,
T.

Sounds like mommy and daddy need some alone time to get back on the same page. T., you feel like you are in the middle because the children have pulled you and your husband into two camps, rather than having both parents on the same front.

It is ok to renegotiate what each of you would like to see for and from your children. I know with all that is going on, who has time for some alone time- MAKE TIME.

As a graduate student, mother of four boys, and wife to a husband who works 80+ hours a week, we still have date night two to three times a month. We get distracted, but these nights are adult- out of the house to talk, reach agreements, agree to disagrees but all as adults.

The arguements with your teen will probably not go away over night, but you and your husband reconnecting on common ground will help keep you from feeling like you are stuck in the middle.

M.

OK I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE THING TO TRY, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. HABVE KIDS TAKE TURNS HELPING DAD COOK & CLEAN UP KITCHEN, & MOM STAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! OR HAVE DAD HELP WITH HOMEWORK & MOM COOK & LET HIM TAKE THAT ON ALL BY HIMSELF. OTHER THAN THAT ARE THEY ALL INTERESTED IN ANY SPORTS ALIKE THAT JUST THE 3 OF THEM CAN DO????
THIS REALLY SHOULD NOT BE A HARD THING TO DO UNLESS DAD IS NOT WILLING????
HOPE I COULD HELP, MAYBE A LITTLE.
D.

When my children were that age, my husband would make home made pizza for dinner. They picked what they wanted on top. They also had night out for the boys. Movies, games or shopping for a gift for mom. And it was the same for my daughter, and you know now that they are grown it is one of the things that they remember the most. Date night. Good luck

Step out and let them work it out. Don't put yourself in the position of having to be moderator. I used to do this(standing in the middle and fixing it), but it just ended up frustrating me, so I stepped out and just let my husband be the father. It worked wonders and I'm not in the middle anymore. I stopped one day and asked myself, what would happen if I wasn't around?, they would have to figure it out and that is what has happened. The kids and their father have to figure out how to relate to each other...in their own way.
Hope this help. Just step away and say a prayer and hope for the best.
Blessings,
D.

Have them go on a Father- son vacation. As it is 15 is a hard age and your son should be more connected to his father. Also talking to your son and explaining to him that you wish he had a closer relationship with his father. Are they interested in the same things- Sports or cars. Get them something they can do together. But you should let them do things alone. GL

I saw something really great in Family Fun. Get a timer and a quarter. Flip the coin let them 'call' it, then set the timer for 5 minutes. Whoever won the coin toss talks for up to 5 minutes uninterrupted and when the 5 minutes is up it's the other person's turn (restart the timer). Repeat until a civil conversation is being carried out or the issue is solved.

Good luck!

T.,
I would suggest to "step back." As a mom it is hard not to become involved or defensive regarding anything to do with our children. But, you say your husband is wonderful, so step back and give him the chance to do things his way, develop the relationship and yes, make mistakes. You say you want to not be in the middle, so, don't put yourself there. Maybe even tell both of them when situations come up between them, you are going to not interject unless asked to do so. That puts the responsibility back on them and takes the pressure off you.
Also, I had the same attitude toward making my daughter's life easier than mine was. She is now 19. When she graduated, was honor society, 4.0 student with national math & science merit awards. She went to A&M as a Chemical Engineer student, however, her first year, she ended up with 1.8 gpa, blowing her money left and right, going through 5+ jobs etc... because she had gotten so used to everything being given to her and everything being done for her. She is smart, but I hadn't taught her how to earn priviledges, be financially responsible or basic survival skills.
I know we both love our children more than anything in the world, but our job is to prepare them for the world.
Best of luck!
L.

I know so well the situation you are living in. My husband and son (now 20) still don't communicate. I know that alot of it is because I am constantly stepping in to "protect" my son. Protect from what? My husband loves him dearly and would never hurt him but that is still my son! Some of the things that I have done over the past in order to save my marriage, because trust me your son has already figured out that he can pit you and dad against one another and get the focus off of him, is tell them both that this is something they MUST work out themselves. And then LET them. Bite your tongue, walk away anything. Try never to let your son see you disagree with dad about what dad decides. Always support your husband. Later, pull dad into the privacy of your bedroom and explain your concerns. If he doesn't see things your way, that's okay, let his decision stand. Like another mom said, dads & sons relate to one another totally different than mom & sons. I don't always agree with Dr. Laura but she said once that kids listen to Dad differently than they listen to Mom. I found that to be very true. Sometimes Dad says something that I, as a mom, find so offensive but it never phased the kids ---until I objected. Kids learn to relate and behave to both parental dynamics. It is necessary that they learn that so that they may begin to figure out how to handle all the different people in the world. Not everyone is going to deal with them like mom does. Check out Dr. Laura's book regarding parenting boys/letting dad become involved, it's pretty good.

I too strayed from your question, sorry. Do your best, your husband loves your son, trust that he won't do any permanent damage and back out at all possible times. Let them work out their problems. It is imperative to all parties involved. It has always astounded me that the traits that my husband finds so intolerable in my son are the exact same traits that he never sees in me! Good luck!

Turn it over to them. They will have to find their common ground and work it through. I know I have been there and as much as I tried to help, I just became the monkey in the middle (who is always wrong). My son and his Dad are like that because they are alot alike. It was hard and rather heartbreaking at times, but its not MY problem, it's theirs.
I don't accept, from either one, talking down or disrespecting the other and remind each especially my son that his father does love him. It is alot less stressful on me when I let them solve it. Good luck and lots of prayer!

T., since you work, I am hoping you have medical insurance that would pay for some professional family counseling. It might take only a few sessions to get your family on track. AND, if you get the counseling only for yourself, it will still help. You can only change yourself; you cannot make your husband and son communicate with each other but you will gain insight from a good counselor.

Blessings.

Are your husband and son willing to go to family counseling??? If so, I'd say that would be a good place to start... if you're involved in a church, ask there for someone to go to. Maybe an objective mediator can get to the bottom of the communication barrier between them. If that's not an option and your husband is willing to do some reading, look for some communication books (or books on tape if he's not a reader). Dr. James Dobson has a lot of books on family issue topics and I have heard great things about him. Dr. James C. Peterson also has a good book called "Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships". www.focusonthefamily.org is also a great resource for parenting! Oh, and "Creative Correction" by Lisa Welchel is an awesome book that may help both of you with the discipline situation!

Have you two considered taking turns in the evenings? Have your husband get better connected to the kids by helping with their homework and being more directly involved with them rather than off in the kitchen. Could make a difference... just some ideas. Hope they help! :)

Pray, talk to your husband alone very calmly, refuse to get upset/loud/mad, pray together, agree, and then slowly implement the plan together, agreeing, not loud or abrasive. It does not matter how much time your husband has free to be with the boys. They are the boys, he is dad and husband and should be head of household. This was difficult for me because I got married late in life and was already independent and mostly self sufficient and making my own decisions. Letting him be incharge especially on things that I was better about or knew more about almost killed me. But now after the adjustments(10 years worth) and growing pains everthing works out better. He is the man and likes it. He acts more sane now that he is comfortable in his power. After exercising his authority awhile he became better at it and makes better decisions with all family members in mind. I am more calm with less anxiety also. It doesn't matter that he still messes up. Everyone does. The boys have to respect his sayso and final decisions which means you have to back up your husband just like he has to back up you. The kids should not be asking the other parent after they have an answer. I believe 'spare the rod and spoil the child' but you are also NOT supposed to poke and prod your child to the point where he gains resentment for you and your authority because contempt and despisement are difficult feelings to overcome. If my husband puts his foot down about something and I dissagree or have information that might have affected his decision I tell him in private. He can go back and change his mind if he wants and many times will with calm understanding. If I challenge too hard he (like most people) will defend his position with stubborness and no one is happy. So sometimes bad decisions stand and that is okay. All in all everything is much better and the kids don't mess around as much because they know they cannot pit us against one another anymore. Also, bite your tongue and never say anything derrogatory about their dad in front of them. And defend your husband if they say something negative about him. Don't lie, just have something complementary to say about him to them. And continually follow it up with the obvious he is a good man and loves you all very much. Society certainly isn't helping any with all the TV shows showing parents as idiots. The generation gap idea allows kids to think parents are out of touch and can't keep up. Well let them come up with their own spending money for a while and then maybe they will appreciate dad's efforts more.
Anyway now I am rambling and could go on for hours.
Pray some more,
Good Luck and God Bless

Hi T., the greatest help we received was from a therapist who will recognize the family dynamic and involve the son/father in the solution. My husband was not a proponent of therapy of any kind. If you go alone the first time and explain to the therapist what "your" problem is, s/he will ask that the rest of the family come in to discuss how they relate to you. It may take a couple of visits before the therapist asks your son/husband about their relationship because the idea is for them to be concentrating on You. They are more likely to let their guard down and say what they really mean once the therapist turns the questions toward their relationship. The youngest boy doesn't seem to be part of the problem--yet. Believe me, he's been "taking notes" about how the parental relationships work and will be more skilled when he gets older. When we took our family one child in particular was having the most difficulty with everyone at home and school. When the therapist asked our youngest age 6, why she thought there was discord, she promptly answered, her brother liked the fighting because it made him feel strong. Sometimes little children have the best understanding of a situation and other times, they assume they are to blame because they are too young to understand the real undercurrent. The therapist will help your family find its balance. S/he understands the perspective of all involved. The sooner you seek help, the sooner you will find understanding. Knowledge is power. Peace, C.

I Think I have the solution.
Let them all go on a week long camping trip without you.
It WILL WORK!!

Are the boys involved in any outside activities? Do they play on any sports teams? If not, what do they do with their time? If so, is your husband involved with them? If not, why not? Do they ever go anyplace just themselves, without you? Do you have any family rules that they must follow, such as no talking back? All 9 year olds think their parents are mean when they don't get their way and the 15 year old is approaching the age when lots of boys just want to challenge their dad, to let him know that he's not going to "boss over" them. Have a family conference and lay it all on the table and explain that yours isn't a democratically run family. There is a Male Head (the father) and a Female Head (the mother). When one of the Heads speaks, issues an order or makes a decision, that's the way it will be with no moderator in between. Explain that when they grow up they can make their own decisions and do what they please, but as long as you're in charge, that's the way it is....and if Daddy doesn't do things with them to establish a guy relationship (which I think is where the problem lies) have a talk with him or get yourselves to a professional family counselor.

The relationship between your husband and your son is just that - between your husband and your son. Stay out of it as much as possible; that will only hurt you. Give advice privately, calmly, on occasion. But, if they are having problems or fighting, just say - Hey that's between you and your father (or vice versa). Give advice on how to handle the other person - but don't intervene, get in the middle, etc. You don't want to be to blame. Men act and think differently than women. Let them work it out. Because you are different than them, it may not be as bad as you think. Plan more family time too. Set up some father/son time, too.

By the way, it sounds like your husband does a lot for the family. Also, listen to your husband. This may hurt your ego - but he knows how to deal with teenage boys better than you do. Let him have more say and control and trust his instincts even when they go contrary to yours. If your husband has more say in the matter - then he will take more interest. When he takes on more interest, he will own up to more responsibility with the boys. When he owns up to his own responsibility with his boys, he will appreciate them and you more. When he appreciates everyone more, he will want to spend more time with them. In the long run, it will be what's best.

I think just like certain chores like your doing homework he cooks is purposeful and works maybe purposeful bonding Dad only time for each of the boys would give you a break and get the boys bonding with their father with you uninvolved. What are their interests, if not sports, create a hobby they could explore together( Putting models together, Home Depot building 1st Saturday of month, get some wood and go crazy in the garage, go play putt putt, Go to the skateboard park if they enjoy that, a Dad and son bike ride in the neighborhood, breakfast out together. Go to the movies together and discuss the movie afterwards together is an easy one, It may cost some money as most activities do but this may give the boys a more positive Dad cares about me and what I am interested in my life while you and the other boy can foster your time together. Soccer Zone indoors on 1431 would be great year round for your 7yr old and they have weekend sessions. Also maybe having a family night where you let the children pick activities to do as a family would be a nice bonding ritual time for them. Make Friday make your own pizza night with pizza dough and toppings, play board games, video games, watch a movie together to stay more connected and less confrontational. Just suggestions I hope you get some advice that helps

I've always been told that parents need to show their children a UNITED FRONT. If not, they would play one parent against the other. Although its very hard to keep from stepping in and defending the child, it might be better to discuss the issues w/ the husband in private if he's at fault.

My husband avoids confrontation at all cost so my children and I battled while he just stood there and did & said nothing. My mother always insisted that we show respect
for our father, which I respect her for. I was often upset that my husband wouldn't support me, at least in front of the children. Later when we talked privately, he sometimes convinced me that I was being too strict OR he was able to get the rest of the facts as to what led up to the argument.

Later on, I taught my children that I knew they were often upset w/ me and that we could talk about it. BUT they had to use a respectful tone of voice when speaking to me. It seemed to help because at least they knew they could tell me how they felt and be treated w/ respect.

You should definitely let them work it out otherwise it could cause problems between you and your husband. Maybe they should have a guys weekend where they go camping or go to Fiesta Texas for the day where it's just them hanging out together. The situation with your teenage son may not get much better. Let's face it he's a teenager but he should still show respect to your husband.

And if your husband is disaplining your children then there's probably a good reason for it. If your youngest comes and says dad is being mean because he's being punished for something then your response should be. Why is he upset with you and what is he saying you did? Make your son answer the questions. Most likely it's going to be something he wasn't suppose to be doing and if it is, then your response should be, "Are you suppose to do that and if not then why did you do it." My husband and I have done this for a while. WHen my son comes to me bc daddy made him sit in time out then by me making him "fess up" to what he did then he realizes that if he doesn't disobey then he doesn't get in trouble. Maybe your husband, like mine, doesn't explain to your son why he's in trouble. He may see it as he's old enough to know why but sometimes it still needs to be explained. It would also help if when the punishment is over that your husband goes and sits him down and explains why he got in trouble. I'm still working on my husband doing that which he is getting better at and it stops my son from trying to come to me for support.

I think I have jumped a little bit. Basically long story short your husband needs to take the initiative to help build the realationship with your boys.
Good Luck,
M.

I don't really know the full situation, but it sounds to me like you need to step out, stop being "Moderator Mom" and give your husband a chance to be a father. No wonder your boys disrespect him when they see you challenge everything he tries to do with them. Just give your husband a chance. You don't need to be in control all the time. It would probably be a relief to have some help, right? So... let your husband help.

Hi, T. ~ Im sorry this is late arriving, and Im sure you have received good responses. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these issues. Our daughter is 7 years older than her brother, now married. Our son is 20 and I play mediator between dad, son, and daughter. Daughter sees brother doing things she could never do, so I explain the differences. Dad says son is too wild, I say talk to him and remember yourself at his age (dad was wild too). At one time I thought I didnt like my role, but as time goes on, I realize this is the job God has blessed me with. When Im with my son, I know he loves and respects me and I can talk to him, encourage him, and he knows he can always tell me anything. When Im with my husband, I know he loves me for my caring ways with our children. He doesnt have the time I have to be with them, so in my way, I show him how to make the most of his time with our son. My daughter is the light of my life and as long as she knows she has that love and pride in her, she is maturing into a young woman, ready to do the same for her family one day. Im not sure if this gives you another side to think about your situation, but hopefully you know it's ok to be a mediator. God puts us in places He needs us, He gives us wisdom and strength to do what is best for our families. You are in my prayers.

Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings? As the adult, HE has to be the one to change. I would approach him when he's in a good mood and calmly explain what you see is going on in the home. I'm sure your DH sees some of it too, even if he's not ready to admit it just yet.

My teenage daughter and I were very similar to your DH and DS. We decided that enough was enough and we chose family counseling. She was able to open up a little more and I learned that she felt like she wasn't getting any 1:1 time with me and just really wanted a better relationship with me. Do you think that could be part of the issue? It sounds like your husband is there; but not really involved, so accepting his discipline may be difficult for your DS. It may take time (and patience from both of them); but maybe just the occassional 1:1 would do their relationship good.

In my situation, I honestly did not like my daughter very much, and I'm pretty certain that feeling was mutual. It took us about a year; but we're finally communicating better and I enjoy spending time with her.

Nothing will change overnight; but if they can start communicating without passing judgement on eachother, things will start getting better. Good luck!