Need Advice - Sulphur Springs,TX

I have a son that was diagnosed with conduct disorder and ADHD I'm trying to get him help now and all of my family is against it, because it looks bad to get help. My advice is to get professional help.

I was just looking into age-appropriate discipline for my almost-4-year-old. Here is a link to some guidelines I found.

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_the-discipline-tool-...

I like the marble system. In a nutshell, both my kids have a marble jar. They earn, loose and use their marbles. At this point my kids just like having more marbles than the other one; they don't even care that they can spend them!

You give them marbles for good behavior (whatever you deem appropriate) and you take away for bad behavior. They also have the opportunity to buy stuff for .25 cents a marble (for instance). TV time is 1 marble for every 15 minutes, etc.

I use the marble system not because my children are out of control, but because it helps me deal with them without emotion, without yelling, and it make no difference how they respond. If they roll their eyes at me, they still loose their marble. If they throw a fit or talk back, they loose more marbles. At this point in their life, they live by the marbles. If there are none left in their jar, they cannot do anything… no TV, not anything unless I say it is ok. They can, for instance, always read their books. They can always go into their room and play with their toys quietly. It’s up to you to decide how you want it to work.

The key is, you have to be very consistent. If they have enough marbles for 4 hours of TV, you are supposed to let them watch for 4 hours. However, they see that their consequence is, they have no marbles for anything else and will not do that the next time.

The good thing about it is that it is so flexible. You use it the way it fits your needs. So, your child can smile and laugh all he wants, but he is still going to be punished with loosing a marble (ticket to what ever he wants) and he might even loose more marbles if he pushes his luck. All the while you are (seemingly) emotionless about it. If it doesn’t bother you, he will not do it. This, of course, coupled with a lesson in behavior modification for the attitude. He will eventually learn that it will get him no where, but you cannot react to it.

The websites below are geared a little more toward children with ADD. My two children do not have ADD, but I think all kids benefit from programs like this.

www.childparenting.about.com/cs/behaviorproblems/a/behavi...

www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1563.html

Good luck! I know it has certainly worked for me!

BTW – Thanks Crystal G. for showing ME this system!!

The BEST advice I can give is to BE CONSISTANT, BE CONSISTANT, BE CONSISTANT.

Make sure you use the SAME consequences for EVERY infraction of the misbehaviour. Don't give in even once or they WON'T take you seriously. They need to understand that you MEAN BUSINESS. If you let them get away with it even ONCE, they will think there is a chance you will let them get away with it this time (especially if they make you laugh about it).

I understand that it is harder with boys sometimes (they think EVERYTHING is silly). Just remember who is in charge (YOU).

Sorry to be so harsh, but this is serious. If you can not get it under control at this age with "small" stuff, you won't be able to be in control at 16 when they are wanting the car, or something more serious.

Kids want boundaries and you need to show them how far to go.

We have run into this problem also. The solution is simple if you are consistent. Explain that every time they are disrespectful they receive a consequence (time-out, loss of privileges, take away a toy until they have none left, etc.). Then make sure you let them know that disrespect will not be tolerated, and even discuss better reactions/answers/comments they could have used. It is up to you to follow up and be consistent! Good luck to you!

Hi J., my question is what is the boys punishment for being disrespectful? You need to sit down as a family and discuss what the punishment will be and you and your husband need to follow through EVERY TIME! I say discuss it as a family for 2 reasons, one..the boys will know the consequence before they make a wrong choice, and two.. dad and mom will be a team with the same rules and same punishments.

LOL welcome to the world of boys!- I have a 17 year old- that can schmooze me and can make me crazy- First hing I wud try- do it right back to them- its amaxing when they gt automtic responses from us and then the minute WE IGNORE THEM! it opens their eyes- its real hard as a mom- but real affective. After that- just put your foot down- If they are disrespectful in front of friends- the friends need to go home right then and there- you only need to do that once- maybe twice to get the point across-ha!

But nip it in the bud right now-
pay now...or pay later and now you ahve the control- at 17- its tougher- but they will check the boundaries and try to go over them- at the same time- kids LOVE boundaries- so ...keep up the good work and good luck!
D. S

I believe in less words, more action. I have 2 boys also and the oldest definetly takes me more seriously than the younger. He sounds just like yours, actually. He's 3 and I've really had to get creative w/him. My best advice and something I couldn't have managed (very well, at least)without is Love and Logic. Check out the website www.loveandlogic.com . It's so useful and just practical preparation for adulthood. I just can't stand to nag my children all day and this really makes every day more fun! Just an example...when you tell them to put their toys away...tell them ONCE! If they aren't put away by the time you give, then you take them away. I always just say, put away the toys you want to keep. It's just how the 'real world' works and it's never too early to teach them! Good Luck...I'll be where you are in a couple years!!

Watch Supernanny and Take Home Nanny (TLC)! I learn sooo much from these two shows and it works!!!

You don't mention what type of discipline you are giving. Is it just verbal? Are you consistent with your messaging and follow-through? I learned with my kids that consistency and consequences are key. For instance, would you say "don't write on the walls, that is not good behavior" and leave it at that? Or would you continue with "if you do it again I will take away your crayons?" and then be sure to take away the crayons if the behavior isn't corrected? Children learn better from follow-through. My two older daughters (ages 13 and 9) know that I don't make idle threats. If I say that a privelege will be revoked if a behavior isn't corrected, they know I will do it because I have been consistent since they were young. And now I get to do it all over again with my 19 month old!

Good luck!

My son is almost 6 years old and for several months now after I put him in time out and try to talk to him about his behavior he has this "smirk" on his face as if he is going to start to laugh. I started getting upset about the "smirk" and he would cry and say I don't know what smirk means what is it. He would start to cover his mouth in order to hide his smirk. I was talking with a friend about it and her husband said that when he was growing up he did that too as a defense mechanism. He knew he did something wrong and knew there was a consequence but he would smile as a way of dealing with it. Anyway they told me to ignore the "smirk" becuz that is his way of dealing with it and to put him in time out and tell him to think about what he did and when he is ready to talk about it to come to me. When he comes to me with "smirk" in tow I ask him these 4 questions: What did you do wrong? (ex. I hit so and so) Why was it wrong? (it hurts them and its not nice) What are you going to do next time? (use my words) and What do you need to do now? (go say I am sorry). Amazingly even though he has a smirk, he does know what he did wrong and does know what he needs to do. My husband and I are also going to do the marble technique that someone mentioned and use poker chips. Good luck, stay consistant, that is the key!!!

I wish that we had a bit more information. You ask what "you" can do but you are married and are a "we". Do the boys do this when your husband is around? How do they treat him? How do they treat other adults in the same type situations? Can you elaborate a bit more so we can narrow it down further?

I have that problem too, mine is caused mainly by the example of their father. Their father is a cut-up/joker type so they've picked it up. I've asked my husband to back me up on punishments. It has helped a little. My mother says that is just the way boys are. I don't let them have any TV or video games until breakfast & chores are done. I have been known to lock them outside in the backyard - with a snack or water of course to let some of that energy run out of them.

What has helped me the most is asking them to repeat what is said to them - I find that when I tell them what to do they aren't listening, even when I get in their face. Staying calm helps too, I usually want to be a screaming mimi, but it never helps a cool hand is better for me. But most of the time, they know they can get away with it, so they are testing their limits.

Good luck!

My advice might sound silly, but your kids are at that age that it just might work. Act crazy when they do it. Just go ballistic. (do not hurt them or you!!) Just make all sorts of loud noise, pitch a fit! Show them on the outside, how their actions are making you feel on the inside. Then sit down and talk to them about it.

I walked all over my mother until I one day made her cry. Once I saw true emotion and feeling and hurt that was caused by my insubordinance, I changed my tune.

My first thought is how does your husband treat you? Does he listen when you talk to him, or is he disrespectful? I would think two things, 1: this is learned behavior. They think it is ok to treat Mommy like this. Or 2: they are testing the limits. I have a three, almost four, year old that is really into testing the limits right now. It is driving me crazy! Be consistant and make sure they understand why they are in time out. I also had to look at my husband, who like most husbands, doesn't always listen to me :)

Take what they love away from them. For mine, it is just to be around me, so I send him to his room with no toys. If he wants to act up, he can stay there. He usually calms down pretty quickly.

Good luck

My duaghter is 4 and has done the same in the past. When she does I add to the discipline. I let her know why I am adding to it. She only occasionally does it now.

Explain to him and have him look you in the eye, if you have to hold his shoulders, how it would feel in reverse if someone treated him like that when they were as talking to him. and also for disrespect, you could take a priveldge away, or have him sit in a chair for x amout of time, no TV for one show or something until he learns respect. They may still do it(under their breath , who knows do it) but at least not to your face, and mabe they will soon learn how to behave and it not be a habit.

Sounds like they haven't had any consequences to their actions. What do you do when they don't listen, just give up and let them have their way? If so, why should they bother to do what you say or even act like they think you are going to make them do what you say? There is no respect and you need to get a grip on that NOW while they are young. Your husband needs to step up and teach them how to be respectful, young men (90% of that should come from day to day example).