Help with Discipline and Behavior

http://www.healthmad.com/Children/ADHD-or-Behavioral-Prob...

Give her 2 choices you can live with and let her feel like she is in control. Let her choose from only 2 things and stick with it.

You could try hot sauce or even old fashioned soap. The hot sauce has worked for my children. Every time they something means or disrespectful they get just a drop on their tongue, which they hate. I also ask them if they would like to be treated the same way, because if they treat others that way than it should be ok to treat them that way(do unto others...). If all else fails start treating her the way she treats others and the behavior would hopefully stop. I'm certain she doesn't want to be treated the way she treats others.

Have you tried rewarding her when she is nice and respectful? What about modeling how she should act or say something when she is disrespectful and have her repeat the right way to do it. What about a sticker chart?

Dear C.,

Just tell her that you do not like the way she has been acting , being so disrespectful to everyone. ....and the next time you do that we are going to take you to your room, and let you stay there until you decide that you can be kind and caring and respectful to people. I know that you will say that you have already done this, but do it the particular way that I wrote and it will help get the information into her brain that she is responsible for her own behavior and you will not allow her to keep on doing that.

I sure do hope that this helps. The fact that she gets to say when she is ready to re enter the 'world' means that she is responsible - then, the moment that she does something that you don't want her to do, she goes back. At that point, she will probably have a grand old tantrum and the rules of your home will become more clear to her.

Good luck, C. N.

Dear C.,
If you get very punitive, even in the ways you described, she may come to identify with those negative behaviors and believe she's a bad girl. Better to treat her with love and let her know that you know she's kind. I would spend time with her after school instead of isolating her. You never have to answer her if she speaks to you unkindly. Just tell her you'll be happy to discuss it when she can speak more kindly to you, as you do to her. (And make sure you do! Watch for being mean to her in response to your perception she's being mean to you or to others.) You can also say no to the special things she asks for that you probably give freely. A kind no works wonders. No, no dessert tonight. We'll save sweets for when you're behaving more sweetly. And if you want to talk about anything that's been hard for you about me or your brother or anyone else, I'm available. Finally, if the behavior is directed toward her brother, the best book on sibling rivalry I've ever found is Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! by Anthony Wolf. It's an easy read and offers a great philosophy and solution. Finally, don't worry about her hurting other people's feelings. Teach her that no one can hurt her--she can only hurt herself by feeling bad about and believing what anyone says. Then, teach her to treat others the way she likes to be treated. And she won't--not all the time, not right away. Again, don't be punitive when she fails, and you can always talk to her about how that feels--especially if the talk happens when you're not upset and when there's room for her to talk too. When I talk to my children when I'm upset, I become mean. When I talk to them when I know that they, like me, are just in a growing process and sometimes they're unkind, then I am calm, I look into their eyes, I give them love and the assurance that they're fine, even if imperfect. I like myself more and am a more effective parent the second way. Hope this helps. Your daughter's fine and so is everyone around you. Are you sure you need your daughter to be respectful all the time? It's impossible. Read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, which will teach you how to question all your thoughts and thus become a kinder person--and therefore a better parent. Hope that helps. Love, Jaya

Love and Logic. It takes about 10 times longer to see results, but it maintains a child's self-image, enforces self-discipline, and fosters good problem solving skills that the child will need as an adult. www.rpeurifoy.com/parentng/logiccon.htm
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1547A.pdf
I'm a mother of 3 (18,33,36) and Elementary (3,4,5)teacher. This has worked for years and takes a lot of patience on the part of the parent.
For talking disrespectfully, you may want to try something like this:(All of this must be said with a sympathetic voice.)
"Oh, I feel like you don't respect me when I hear that tone of voice. If I feel that way again, when you talk to me, I'll need to give one of your toys to (Goodwill, Salvation Army), so parents who know that their children respect them may buy their child a toy.

Would you like for me to choose the toy or would you like to choose?" If the child refuses, then you may want to say:" I know it's a hard decision, so I'll give you 2 minutes to make the choice.(set a timer to ring in 2 minutes) If you have trouble deciding on which one to give, then I'll make the choice for you. (Do not select the child's favorite or most valued, but choose one that is slightly favored.)
Once the toy is selected it is imperative that you follow through with removing it. If it is a keepsake that you do not want out of the family or you want to save it for the future, buy a large storage bin, and place the item in the bin and put the bin in the attic.

After that, do something fun together. "Boy, that was tough. Let's go (make cookies go to the park, go for a walk, read a book...anything the child will enjoy). If the child refuses to do the fun thing, that's okay. Tell her that you still love her and want to share fun things with her. But don't ever, ever, ever, lose your temper... if you show frustration, she won and will continue the unwanted behavior.

When she has gone a couple of days without talking disrespectfully, tell her thank you.

If you get her in the habit of this, her struggles through the teen years will be smoother for her and the whole family.

C., I am reading a very helpful book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She had my granddaughter in mind when she wrote the book. Not really but the children she speaks of are just like her. I'm only on page 37 and it's full of ideas to change our thinking of these spirited kids and by changing our perciption of them there behavior will change. Go check it out at the library and see if it's for you or spend the $15.00 on a great book. There's also a workbook to go with it. JH

The hardest thing for me when my kids were little was dealing with how others perceived them/our parenting. People are really free with advise and critisism.(Especially those without kids.) When my now 17 year old went through a similar stage at a similar age, at first I panicked and tried to discipline the hell out of him. It didn't seem to work and I was miserable. I believe I read a book which inspired me to treat him differently, like he was the precious gift that was only given to me for a short time. The more I relaxed and treated him like he was the most loving person on the planet, the more he responded. That helped me with many more stages over the years, and now he's the sweetest, kindest and yet most infuriating person I know. I'm still letting go every day.

Hi C.,

Does your little girl have any responsibilities? Does she have to make her bed, help with dinner, put her clean clothes away? This can be a good way to earn back her "freedom". After all, it's how the real world works. I have raised 3 children to adult stage and they are all wonderful kids and I'm very proud of them. I lost my husband to cancer after 20 years so there was a fair bit of single parenting as well. Hope this helps.

M. Ann

I have three boys (8, 5, and 1) and I have had some experience with sassy behavior. I find that it doesn't really help to get mad. It is better to stay calm; if your daughter has demanded something rudely, tell her that you would be happy to discuss it with her when she can ask politely. If she makes a disrespectful comment, it is perfectly appropriate to tell her that you don't appreciate what she said. I often discuss things with my sons in terms of how they would like to be treated--if they wouldn't like something done to them, they shouldn't do it to others. And most importantly, reward her for successes in polite behavior by praising her. A smile and "honey, I really like how you asked for that so politely" is a great incentive to a young child. It will probably take some patience on your part to change her behavior, but it is definitely possible. Good luck!

consistency, consistency is the key of any issues,have you read 123 magic??? is a book about discipline. I have a sweet little girl (she will be 16yrs in april)and she was like your little one. I also own a preschool. and i have use this simple 123 magic system.

Have u tried timeouts after each incident? Maybe sending her for behavior treatment might help too.

Is she like this with everyone? Or only certain people? If she mostly acts this way with, say, you and her husband, perhaps you should tell her you can't hear her when she's being rude. And then IGNORE her. If at all possible, tell the people with whom she is most likely to behave this way that this is the way you plan to handle the situation and ask them to do the same.

My feeling is that it's best to have "logical consequences." As an adult, if she is rude to people or repeatedly hurts their feelings, they will not want to spend time with her. Show her how this will feel.

Good luck!

Hello C. L. There is hope! I am a Life Coach and recommend the books of John Rosemond for raising amazing humans! He is very straight forward and his measures gentle, firm and effective. Google his name or check out Amazon. He is a regular columnist with the North County Times (and hundreds of other papers)

In fact his column: Living With Children Feb 24, 2008 that ran in the San Diego North County Times directly addresses your question! Google it!

You will have your beautiful (and sweet) daughter back again! And your life!!

...CJ

My first thought is that something is going on in her life which is troubling her and she doesn't know how to express it. You can find some beginner books at the library about manners and being respectful.

I know this may sound a little harsh, but i have a 10 year old girl and had this trouble as well. i felt that some of the problem may have come from the shows that are supposed to be ok, like on the disney channel and nick. the girls are VERY sassy and disrespectful to the adults in their life. i really limited her time on the tv. sometimes she just didn't understand what she was doing. what she thought was kidding was just rude. it took explaining. but when she knew she was rude i brought out the old soap in the mouth trick. just a little liquid soap on the tongue after plenty of warnings, and it only took 2 times. after that the warning of it was enough.

as she gets older i have found that her best lessons are from her friends. when they get mad at her she learns she has gone too far. they are her best teacher. it is hard to watch her come home and she her upset coz they are mad at her, but we discuss it and when we talk about it being what i have been trying to tell her for a while, she really understands it. and she is better now.

I also have a 7 year old son and have been married for 14 years. I hope this has been helpful.

I sympathize with you, C.. I have a six year old daughter, too.

Has your daughter always been this way and it has just gotten worse? Or is this a brand new development?

I ask because my daughter is mostly great, but she does get very sassy with me sometimes. I have found that those times are when she is either really tired or there's something else bothering her. The back talk is just the symptom of a bigger issue that she's struggling with but doesn't know how to ask for help with, so she gets frustrated and lashes out at the closest, easiest, safest target - me.

Next time your daughter gets disrespectful, instead of punishing her, take her aside and talk to her. Stay calm. Make sure she knows you're on her side and that you want to help her. Ask her if there's anything upsetting her. If she doesn't give up the info right away, try asking again after you've tucked her into bed. For some reason, this seems to be the time when my daughter opens up the easiest. After you've figured out what triggered her outburst at you, deal with whatever that issue is and then remind your daughter that it is disrespectful to speak to you in a sassy tone and that you will not permit it. Let her know that she can always come to you for help if she's having trouble with someone or something, but that being disrespectful toward you will never solve anything. Since you weren't the one she was actually mad at to begin with, she'll likely feel badly about taking it out on you and will apologize.

Just keep in mind that a lot is going on the life of a six year old girl. She is navigating challenging school work, complex social interaction, physical changes (growing taller, losing teeth), not to mention the challenges she has at home with siblings, chores, etc. It's a lot to put on such small shoulders and she's never done this before, so she really needs an ally to help her figure it all out.

Best of luck to you and your precious girl.

Your daughter is crying out for consistency and boundaries. Why would you discipline her when she gets home from school? Let the teacher take care of that at school. Sit down with the family and write down the family rules; post these on the frig.(this validates children). Discuss what the discipline that will follow if anything is not met. Whenever a rule is broken there is a consequence immediately. Example, she gets sassy: she goes to her room and can come out when she can treat you with respect. Sounds tough but really isn't. Be sure to refer to the rules posted and remind her that she chose to break the rule and she must pay the consequence. This gives her the power to choose her actions and consequences. A little bit of empowerment goes a long way.

This is a little one who needs more love and attention, not less! Children tend to mirror behaviors they see, so why not look first at how she is being treated at school, by her playmates, and of course by you and your husband. Make her feel precious and wonderful, praise her every time she is sweet, tell her you know she is a sweet child and you love how well she can get along with others. Inspire her! Help her feel grown-up about her capabilites. Give her lots of good attention. And then look at the possibilities that she is being bullied at school, that she is jealous of her brother, or that she has food allergies, or whatever else might be the cause of this behavior.

my youngest was pretty fiesty and the best thing I ever did for her was put her in sports as early as possible. She turned out to be a terrific athlete. She was just a little bit younger than your daughter when I got her into sports.

Hi C.,
It sounds like she's putting you through your paces. This is pretty standard behavior for this age. They are testing things out. Switch tactics from negative attention to the negative behavior to positive attention for positive behavior. She needs to know what to do. If she asks for something in a polite way she, for example, gets a star on a chart. So many stars equals a reward from a list you've generated together. More stars = a bigger prize of course. They can be free rewards like time with you or your hubby, she chooses what's for dinner that night, game night, the park, extra computer or TV time, etc. Go to the library and look for books on being kind and using kind words. Google the topic. There are sets of books that deal with behavior and why we should all act a certain way--dealing with frustration, anger, bullies, unkind words, etc. You can also make a book of her own with her about when and why she should use kind words. You want to show her what you want her to do so talk to her about the disrepectful tone or words she uses and have a consequence for them but you need to really up the amount of positives she's getting the for appropriate behavior. Try role-playing and show her how she sounds but don't try to do this when you're upset with her. "Let's practice using nice words" Practice with her and be consistent about your expectations. There needs to be consequences but really your job is to teach her what she SHOULD be doing so try examining it from that perspective. Good Luck!!

I would recommend a book called 123 Magic. I don't remember the author's name but it sure made a difference for my daughter and son-in-law. You have to be consistant no matter what you do. Your daughter is not too old to start the routine. My teenage granddaughter still reacts when he Dad says that's a one. Which means you have until I get to three to shape up and then face the disciplinary action.

What is she watching on television? When my daughter (now 20) would get disrespectful, I would call her "TV girl" and ask her who she was pretending to be. It was usually word-for-word from something that she had seen.

I taped about a million hours of what I felt was acceptable television and that is what we watched. Any show that portrayed the parents as stupid and the children as smart mouthed was off the list permanently.

I have four grown children, four grandchildren and have taught kindergarten and first grade for 30 years...so I have a little experience with smart mouthed kids!

Go and get the book Strong Willed Child by James Dobson, it is a great resource!

I have a daughter about the same age, and have dealt with the same issues from time to time. I have to say that my daughter is really quite sweet for the most part, but there are times when she has acted the same way, and I would sit there and think "what has gotten into you?" It happeded first at our old house, and then again recently here in our new house. Well, as time went on, and after hearing a few different stories about what went on at recess, and sometimes seeing and hearing some of her friends myself, I saw where she got it from. She is just imitating what she saw other girls doing. (Something that we females are really good at in order to be excepted, even when we are big!) My daughter was copying these more outspoken girls, because they were the popular ones who kind of dicided who and what popular. And besides they got what they wanted from being this way, so, why couldn't she? Anyway, my advice is to talk to your daughter, see if there is anyone at school who is treating her or others this way, and then talk about if this is right, or the best way to make friends(incuding with you as her mother). Chances are, they have said things that hurt her. Then let her know what qualities she has that make her a wonderful friend and daughter that are unique to her, and that she should build upon. This will let her know that you appreciate these good things, and that you are in her corner. It will also help her develope her own sense of worth and identity. By the way, I have tried at different times to prohibit her from playing with certain girls, which may work for a short time, but then ultimately they'll see each other every day at school or in the neighborhood, and truthfully she still wants to be friends with them. So, finally I have said it's ok to play with them, but be careful to not let their "poison" sour her. In the meantime, we are talking about what traits to look for in a friend, and we are also discussing what she could say in different situations to turn things around for the better. This is probably a life-long lesson. Anyway, good luck to all of us with little girls!

Although I haven't gone through this yet, my sister-in-law did with her daughter awhile back. Turns out that her daughter was learning the behavior from the girls at school and in her neighborhood that she hung out with. The parents of those girls clearly weren't as concerned with disrespectful behavior as you and your husband are. If you think this might be the cause, then there are two possibilities. First of all is let her know that she needs to improve her behavior, or she won't be able to spend time with the 'offending' children. Secondly, you can talk to her about whether the other children's behavior has been hurtful to her at all and use that to teach her how her own behavior is making others feel the way she does. Good luck, I hope that helps!

hello, I just got done reading your article and I was wondering have you ever sat down with her by herself and ask her why she is acting the way that she does? I know that may sound like a silly question but a lot of parents don't even sit down with their children to ask them why they are acting the way that they are. This one little girl that I used to babysit would act out also and her parents took away all her toys and yet she still acted out, I know that they never sat down to ask her why she was acting the way that she was and her parents would fight often. I think she was acting out because her parents were so busy fighting that they never spent much time with her and the only way she could get their attention or to spend time with them was to act out. I don't know if any of this helped but good luck with your daughter and God Bless you and your family.

I sympathize. Agree with many responses. Definitely agree about a STICK and CARROT approach to this.

TV is a very bad model (I would limit this severely) model the bahavior you want yourself, be sweet but demand respect. Remove privilages for a SHORT time based on immediate behavior and short explanation of why as well as inspiring with positive stuff about her.

Stickers etc are a VERY hard way to do it - it requires commitment and constant monitering by you so avoid doing this half heartedly as that will do more harm than good. However they can work great marbles to stickers to treats - if you persevere long enough and consistantly... Good Luck!

Its an age thing C., the more attention you put on it the more she will try for your attention, I would not punish her right when she gets home from school at 6 yrs old the punishment should not go any longer than 20 mins for there age, its like scolding a dog the next day for chewing on something, the next day means nothing. Why not praise her when she is being polite or nice, she is only 6 yrs old,

plus check with the teacher I bet there is another kid at school she is learning this from.

I have a 7.5 yr old boy and have gone through this (I don't allow him to watch sassy Disney shows). Lately he's been a DREAM... helpful with his little sister whose 3.5 ("mommy, I'll help with her") very affectionate and just cooperative and nice? My secret - meet his needs. After she was born (he was 4) he was a nightmare for a year... I couldn't figure it out. I asked my preschool director, "what's going on?" She said "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs?" So go from there... Are you working part-time? Full-time? Is she missing you? I would spend more QUALITY one-on-one time with her. LISTEN to her. Make her feel loved and attended to. I promise you will see a change... if not, then something ELSE is going on and instead of just punishing, punishing, punishing her (which will make her hate/resent you more) try compassion and try figuring out what the source is so you can deal with it.
Check out these great articles: Why Children Misbehave? and Twenty Alternatives to Punishment.
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm

Hi C.~ Have you talked to her about why she is behaving this way? Maybe she is being disrespected at school or is having trouble with her teacher or school mates. Have you talked to the teacher? We found it best to talk with our 5 year old son and his teacher (separately) and find out what they are teaching at school about respect, integrity etc and keep our discussions at home in line with some of the ideas they are teaching at school to reinforce the same language. We've also tried to be very consistent with our discipline. We've chosen not to yell or get super frustrated (hard to do!!) and continue to discipline him with restrictions of tv, computer games or things that he really would like to do. It seems to work for us if we find the things that he really likes and we restrict his access. Sometimes an afternoon of restriction doesn't work so we've had to stretch it out a few days to really make a point. Once my son understands we won't waffle or give in, he starts behaving better. We are very firm and my husband and I are on the same page when we discipline. We also try to keep our relation ship courteous to one another which shows how to act. I'm not sure if any of this helps, but hang in there and keep going strong. She should come around soon!!

K.

Hello Kathy,
I advise for you is to put your little girl in a good martial art school, my husband is a Shotokan karate instructor and my son who is 11 years old has been training Shotokan Karate for 6 years, my son Arturo is an excellent student and he is kind and respectful.
Shotokan Karate is authentic japanese karate.

Hi C.,
Have you tried positive reinforcement? I do the marble jar with my daughter, and that seems to help. Usually when they are acting out they just want our attention, even negative attention. I also use a sticker chart.

I read an article from a play therapist, too, that when they're acting out, they need more "you" time. So she recommends just watching your child play, and "commenting" on what they do so they feel acknowledged. Just positive comments. Do it for a half an hour, letting her lead the time, and it should reap a ton of benefits. I've read a lot of parenting books, and have edited a ton of them, too, and this is the biggest piece of advice I've seen out there. Everyone mentions positive feedback.

Hope that helps!

B.