Nearly 3 Years Old Afraid of Failure?

OMG!! I just learned some information that is perfect for this post! My 11 year old has been identified as "gifted". He has been in the talented and gifted program for 3 years. He has had issues with perfectionism and the amount of pressure he puts on himself. (we do not pressure him regarding grades, performance, etc.) His TAG teacher gave me some books/info. to help me understand and help him. These are the things I've learned.
1. Yes, perfectionism is a trait of a gifted child - very much so. They can set very high standards for themselves. Even if you aren't pressuring them to do things "perfectly", THEY will.
2. Many times their brains are more advanced than their bodies. They know in their minds how to tie their shoes, but their finger coordination isn't there, so they get very frusterated.
3. If a child doesn't perform perfectly the first time, they may not try it again for fear of failure. My son went out for wrestling. In every other sport, he was naturally very good at it right away. Since wrestling didn't some to him the very first meet, he was devastated and wanted to quit. OR, if they see something they'd like to do, they may sit back and watch until they think they can do it perfectly before they even try it.
4. Because many gifted kids have a very intense personality, they sometimes get labeled ADHD. Their brains are always on the go - they can be "talkers" and generally have more physical energy as well. My son is in constant motion. If it's not his body (throwing balls in the air, tackling siblings, jumping on the furniture, etc.) he's talking, talking, talking. Sometimes he's doing it all at the same time!!
5. Because of this intensity, many gifted kids will be nighttime bedwetters until they are older. All of my kids (except the baby) have had to wear pull-ups at night until they were at least 8. They tend to be heavy sleepers, so they don't wake to use the bathroom
6. For the same reason, a lot of times gifted kids will be more prone to nightmares,too.
I have 2 books full of this kind of information - this is just some of it I pulled out. Just understanding their brains is a huge step in the right direction. I found a couple things that I can do to help my 11 year old, but for a 3 year old, it may not apply. Setting priorities and looking at mistakes as learning experiences rather than failures are a couple things we will be doing to help him. At this age, support him as much as possible when he makes a mistake. Also, when YOU make a mistake, make sure to laugh about it if you can. Make light of it. Let him know that it's ok to make mistakes - you'll live through it. You could even talk it out - for example, if you are trying to find a new place/address and you make a wrong turn - talk about it. Say "Oops, wrong turn. Ya know what? When I come back to this place next time, I'll remember the right turn. That was a good mistake to make, now I'll always remember." (or something like that) When your son gets older, getting him involved in sports, music, Legos,e tc. will help him have an outlet....which is very important for the intense brain. That reminds me, my 9 year old is also gifted, but shows it in a different way. He finds interests and gets obsessed. He was soooo into Batman when he was 3. He knew so much about Batman. Then it was Star Wars, now Legos. He knows all the sets of Lego - even the vintage ones. He can answer any Star Wars question, possibly even giving George Lucas a run for his money!! LOL! I thought he had ADD, but am finding out, he's gifted, just in a different way. Now, "gifted" is a term the school uses to identify kids who are more advanced in certain areas or all-round. They do a test in 2nd grade to identify these kids. You say your son may be more advanced, so I am assuming if he were to be tested in elementary school, that's what you'd find. You are recognizing this trait a lot earlier than I did. I often referred to my oldest as "high maintenance" (not in front of him) when he was young, but didn't realize how smart he was until he entered preschool. Anyway, I hope some of this info helps at least to understand your son's brain a little. I'm sure the library or bookstore would have some great books regarding the perfectionist or gifted child. Good luck to you and your son!!

I think many young children are like this. Part of the problem is they cannot express their exact feelings and cannot control their fine and large motor skills as they would like.. It is very frustrating for them.

Our daughter has always been the same way. We always tried to take the pressure off of her, by admitting our own mistakes or reacting to disappointments in front of her. She would hear us say, "gosh, I do not know how to do this. I need to find someone to help me". Or oops, I messed that up, oh well I will try again." We would even admit when we were frustrated, angry, confused, so she could see even grown ups are not perfect.

As she got older we also always told her to "just do her best". If she did something and was not pleased with it we would ask her, "Well did you do your best?" Sometimes she would admit, no she had not or had waited too long to even start a project. Most times she would say" yes, I really tried." So we would ask, "what do you think we could have done to help you do better?" Or "What are you going to do next time? "

She is now in college and even this last week she was struggling with a paper and I told her, "we know you always do a good job, just do your best."

I don't really have any advice, but know you are not alone. You described my 5 year old daughter to a T.

The one thing we have started doing is really insisting that she try to do something on her own when we are almost positive that she'll be successful. She's not a risk taker by nature, but she's getting increasingly willing to try to do things when there's almost no chance she'll fail.

We also try to minimize discussion about things she says are imperfect. She'll say "I messed up! My picture is ruined!" and start to cry a bit, and we'll just say "Oh, I like it. I thought you did a nice job." and let that be that. I'm not sure it's changing her behavior, but it's helping us not get wrapped into endless illogical conversations.

Good luck!

It sounds to me like it's more than just being a "perfectionist". He could possibly have OCD, which is something that could need treatment if it gets too out of hand. You might want to talk to you pediatrician get referals to local psychologists.

wow how frustrating for you! and him, poor little guy. can i ask, is he in any type of daycare or social setting on a regular basis? i wonder how he would react with kids stronger/smarter/quicker than he is. it sounds like it might be a reality check that might be in order. he has to learn (and it sounds like a painful lesson, but better now than later) that he's not always going to be the best at everything. other than that, i would accept and try to calm his fears, i.e. when he does something not quite right (my son always puts his underwear on backwards, so just an example from my life), if he does that, praise him for doing good but acknowledge it's not perfect. don't just give him blanket praise over everything. maybe being such a smart little boy he's figured out mommy and daddy always tell him it's great. just some thoughts. hope they help.

You may already do this, but........Be sure to tell him when you make mistakes or about times you have made mistakes. Tell him about when you were afraid you would make a mistake and did it anyway. Maybe you failed but did better next time, etc... Laugh at your mistakes. Don't over do it of course but be sure he understands that everyone makes mistakes and that it is okay, that's how you learn and that a 30 year old does it better because she has had many more years to practice. Get this into the conversation gently and casually on a regular basis. Let him see you and Dad fail.