Narcissistic Personality

I do not have a mom like this, but I have another person in my life like this. Here are a few things that helped me.

1) Protect yourself. If you can avoid staying with your mother (one of you in a hotel) then do that. If this is not possible then set up other ways to give yourself a break. Schedule things in before you end up together. For example, if you are going to her house and know someone in town. Set up a lunch.....hopefully away from your mother. However if you feel you must invite your mother then warn your friend and let her know you just need her there. In that way if your mom acts up it won't be as embarrassing and you can better ignore or not react to her behavior. Just having another person in the mix helps. Same if she comes to you. Be sure to have a couple of appointments or lunches to free you from her and/or a routine with her.
2)Know your Mom is unlikely to change, so toughen up and do your best to slough off her behaviors while you are together. Listening to your mom, and smiling, is not necessarily agreeing with her. It will help with peace however. Don't get combative. What's the point?
3)Keep reminding yourself it's 2 days.
4)If your Mom is like my family member and can actually go a little nutty, screaming and the whole works.......Don't engage! Walk away. Have an exit plan. You don't have to put up with that. Fighting with her won't be productive. Remove yourself from the situation. So have a plan.
5)If your Mom is self-centered and must do things her way. Either do it her way for two days, or when she starts........laugh it off and just do it your way.
6)If possible, don't go alone. Be sure a spouse or friend is around as often as possible.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/16/opinion/16brooks.html

Give her the article...Someone anonymously sent it to my stepfather and added comments exhibiting his doing these type of things in the article (i.e having a $38,000 party for himself, blaming everyone but himself for his divorce, etc.)...It really made him take a step back.

Okay. Its two days, 48 hours, you can do it. NPD is what others think/reflect back to the person with NPD. So, reflect positivity. "Wow, that's such an interesting way to look at it." "What a great idea." "Hm, I never thought of it that way." You lose nothing, you gain peace... for two days. If you are trying to achieve harmony, this is the way to go.

Do not expect rationality, decision making for the universal good. It will be all about her wants, needs, etc. Think... toddler, but not so cute.

Best!
Jen

We think my husband's Mom has NPD - though it's possible that she is just insanely and inappropriately possessive of her son, my children, and competitive to a fault. Or maybe that's part of what NPD is...

Everything has to be done her way ALL the time, regardless of the impact on anyone else. If anyone dares to want to compromise, even so that the kids aren't, oh say, strapped into a car-seat all day, then the one who wants to compromise is a HORRIBLE person.

While I am glad she is not MY mom, I wish I could be the one to speak up, without bringing the "you're an outsider" thing into it (her view on me me, in my OWN family, with MY kids - since I am not HER kid).

Words I have used:
"That's your choice" (she is keen on saying "we decided" something she decided all on her own).
"I want you stop being rude to me" (insert "husband", "my child", and so on)
"That's really rude."
"That's inappropriate".
"No, it's not okay.' (she waves her hand and says "it's OK" like it's magic - when she is deciding that everyone can and WILL do whatever she wants).

I also "go to bed" early a lot. Laying in bed awake, to me, is often the best choice. Sometimes I have beer AFTER she's gone - I don't want my thinking impaired an iota with her around. It breaks my heart, but this has been HER choice.

Keep telling yourself that too. She's a grown-up and her behavior is HER choice - it may hurt you - but it isn't ABOUT you or YOUR fault - no matter how hard she tries to dump it on you.

Edit to add: Do NOT ask her "what is your problem?" or she will see it as an opening to blame you. "What's wrong?" gets "Oh, nothing" coupled with nasty behavior. Do not try to justify yourself - she doesn't care and she doesn't want to work it out. She is trapped in the emotional maturity level of "the world revolves around ME". Age 3? I don't know....

Good luck!

I found this article-but I'm not sure how it will help you.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

Yes. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder, coupled with Borderline Personality disorder. (By the way, NPD has recently be decategorized as a mental health disorder by the DSM. The poster below sent you a link to a NY Times article about this, I believe. It's interesting.)

I won't give you a breakdown of my own mom because her unique cocktail of disorders skews things somewhat, but common traits can include: blaming a child or other person(s) for *all* their problems (scapegoating); perceiving other children/others as extensions of themselves who they view to be *perfect* so as to hold up their own self-image; or an overassessment of one's abilities/talents/influence. Living with a narcissist often feels like "walking on eggshells" and this person can make us feel either very special or like the scum of the earth. It's very frustrating trying to relate to a narcissist, usually because they just don't know how to relate to anyone else's way of thinking, whereas most of us can understand why another person does/thinks what they do, even if we don't agree with it entirely, and not take it personally most of the time. Narcissists-- well, it's always about them.

There's a great book called "Trapped in the Mirror" that was recommended to me years ago by a good counselor. This book examines the patterns adult children of narcissists might find in their relationship with their narcissistic parent, as well as patterns present in their own lives that are a result of the fallout of living with this sort of parent. I found this book very helpful for both myself and explaining my mother to other members in my family, so they had a better perspective on what was happening.

You asked what one does to deal with it. Mommy(x3) below had some good 'pat' sayings that the typical narcissist can't argue with. Most narcissists actually get pretty angry, histrionic or fragile when they are confronted on their actions, so avoiding 'you' language is important. Notice that every pat answer listed below directed attention to the choice, the desired action (stop being rude), the action at hand, the appropriateness of the action, or the proposed action. Never is the person confronted about their person. (which would be "you made that choice" or "you are rude" or "you are being inappropriate".) It's important to differentiate between these because the first examples make boundaries that can't be argued with, the second open us up for being attacked.

Lastly, my choice, after years of therapy, was to choose to end the relationship with my mother until she's ready to go get help. My case, with my mother, was pretty extreme. Other people, whose parents are less impacted, are able to get to a point of having a pretty amiable surfacy relationship with their narcissistic parent. The ones I know who have done best usually have great support and have often gone to see a counselor or utilized a support group. And they do exist online, which, with the holidays, might be a nice place to start. This can feel like a can of worms when you first start digging in-- it isn't easy, but it can be very good for your self in the long run.

My best,
H.

Try to let it roll off your back as best you can. If you have time, try to read one of the books here: http://bit.ly/idp9SG This is a great article: http://bit.ly/hm68vw and this one has advise about dealing with narcissistic relatives: http://bit.ly/i2unNr

My best suggestion is to pray for peace in the house while you are there.