My daughter turned two in July and has always been a fairly even-tempered and sweet little girl. Family and friends often commented on how very good she was. Occasionally she would play up, but two or three time-out sessions seemed to resolve poor behaviour. However, during the past three weeks I feel like we have been heading DOWN HILL... She has become so incredibly willful and has a fit when she does not get her way. She tries to assert herself on just about every issue. She shouts "No!" all the time. Its got to the point now where I dread the confrontations. She does not seem to be so put out by time-out either. She initially objects (and tries to assert herself!) but afterwards is not that bothered by it. I don't know if this determined and defiant normal in terms of toddler behavioural development? She did start pre-school in the mornings in August but she actually loves going to school. She gets plenty of love and affection, so I would not imagine it is attention seeking. I would appreciate any advice on positive discipline or any reading material I should consult? Thanks in advance!
It is quite normal. Until recently you decided everything for her. Now she knows about choices. Which crayon, toy, friend, etc. Start by negociating. Give her 2 choices (that you approve of) and let her pick. She'll believe she's the one doing the choosing.
Maybe the loud No! is the way the teacher reprimands them at school. Explain to her that is not the way things are done at home. She'll understand.
Sounds pretty normal. Don't forget she is a person. And as another poster said she might not be able to tell you with words what is making her mad. She needs tons of patience and love.
If you want to try a non-traditional route read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I really loved this book, but I was halfway there already. It may be too much of a leap for some people.
In my opinion, your job is not to "train" her like a puppy or a chimp, it is to "guide" her toward acceptable behavior while always showing how much you love and respect her. It is absolutely amazing how truly respecting children as individuals can make them "behave" in ways that we call acceptable - not by coercing them or punishing them, but by coming to a mutual respect.
In my opinion all time outs or withholding "stuff" does is temporarily "fix" the situation so you (the parent) can feel better. It does very little in terms of helping the child use their better judgement next time - what they remember is how mean you are and how badly you treated them, not what brought on the "punishment" in the first place.
We all want our kids to be these brilliant, independent, out of the box thinkers and then we do everything in our power to squash their independence!
Make sure you're not fighting her just because it's a knee jerk reaction or because you think someone else wouldn't approve of how you handle it. It's actually Ok to let her do stuff herself. With my first child I was inclined to fight him because of all those parenting books that said never let him "get his way". A few weeks of that and you'll be pretty much beat, believe me. So instead (for example) we would actually undo things just so he could re-do them himself (when he asked, that is). This was aggravating and time consuming, for sure, but it gave him a real sense of confidence that he still enjoys today.
Sorry I am going so long but have been through this with two very strong willed boys and I'm still learning every day.
When she is really misbehaving, try this - bring her to her room or a quiet place and just sit with her and hug her. You don't even have to say anything. You'll be amazed at how good you both feel. It's between you and her, so don't let anyone tell you (even if it's just in your head) what's right or wrong about how you decide to raise you daughter.
Good luck!!!
She is beginning to assert her independence is all. Stay calm and don't overreact to her poor behavior. She is learning that she isn't in charge of her world - even though she CAN be in charge of SOME things (at your discretion). This is the age where it is usually best to give her choices when it is feasible to do so. Ask her to choose whether she will wear the blue shirt or the red shirt, for example. Let her pick whether to put on the left shoe or the right one first. Ask her if she wants help doing "____" instead of automatically doing something to help her. When she gets some "say" in what goes on, she will probably cut back on some of the "no!" shouting, but don't expect her to totally stop it. This is part of why they call it the "terrible 2s" after all.
:)
Letting her feel like she has choices can go a long way toward getting cooperation from her instead of defiance. Hang in there mom!
Hi,
A very excellent book is "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey.
It assumes -
(1) you cannot force good behavior (your child's or anyone's)
(2)you should not accept poor behavior (to maintain your integrity)
(3) you can find a middle path between aggressive & passive discipline - what the author calls "loving guidance"
This book is really awesome; I have not read the entire thing yet, but it's absolutely wonderful. Every page seems to have some revelation. It has helped me so much while allowing me to be respectful to my child.
There's no spanking, no time-outs, no rude behavior toward children... after all, they will only model what you have modeled to them.
Sounds like she's pretty normal to me - she's just trying to find out who she is and what power she has. Even though she seems like she wants to control everything, she also is really trying to find out what her boundries are. And she needs boundries from you - it makes them secure to find out where the boundries are and that there are some. Now is the time to be diligent - it will make the next coming years much more enjoyable. Remember, you said that she doesn't seem to be that bothered about it afterwards - she was just checking to see if the boundries were still there and once she is confident that they still are, she's fine...Try to encourage behavior you like by rewarding it. Notice the good things she does and compliment her on those. And rest assured, she's right on schedule...
Has there been a change in her diet- sounds as if she is missing nutrients and this makes bad behavior- there is a connection between behavior and diet- and you may well be seeing that- check with WestonPrice Foundation- they are amazing.
best,k
It's called hormonal imbalance. We all go through this...wait til puberty sets in...then pregnancy...then menopause...
Have her hormones checked and get her on some good vitamin or herbal remedy. They don't call it "terrible two's" for nothing, dear.
Get your daughter situated and then treat yourself to a pedicure...you deserve it...
My daughter turned 2 in August and it's the same thing....just hang in there!
G.,
Here are my little tid bits of advice. First, I would say this is normal, some refer this as the terrible two's. My understanding of the situation is they want to be independent but lack all the skill for it, ie putting on clothes, or tying the shoes. Also they can not always verbalize emotions, what the problem is, what they want or need. They also hear the word NO alot at this age. My advice is keep up the time out when needed but also look at other thing that you can take away or lose privilages for. For mine it was taking away the blanket for a hour, as she got older she loses tv time. You have to find what make her tick. For mine it went back in forth when it seem like taking the blanket didn't work than back to time outs. Also make sure you are not talking to her in time out. Have a designated spot and a timer, set her there if she moves put her back with out talking to her(it is hard).
If the out burst are in public immeditely remove her to either the bathroom or go to the car. This can be hard I only had to do this twice (to the car) and all I would have to do is remind them and they would stop.
She also might love school but they can pick up some bad habits from there too. I was amazed at what mine would come home and do after seeing at school. So some of this could be behavior she has seen at school. This again is normal you just have to be firm about what is exceptable.
Another advice I was given along the way, was to make sure she does have some choices or things she can do. It can be as easy as which shirt(you pick the one she can wear) she gets to wear or does she want milk or juice. Only give her two options anymore and they can't decide or makes it more difficult.
Last thing, for an example she is getting mad because she wants to play with a toy that needs to be picked up. Help her voice her problem in a calm manner. "I know you are mad and want to play more but it is time to pick up for dinner(bedtime..whatever) but you can play with this again tomorrow after school(or when she will be able to play with it again)." This worked better than I expected with both my children. They seem to know I knew what they felt and got an idea when they could have fun again with it.
Take what you need and leave the rest, hope at least one thing will help you out
"Easy to love, difficult to Discipline" Get it now and read it quickly. Its normal, but you can control a lot of it the way you deal with them. Start by eliminating any negative words from your speech. We all go through it. Always remember, first six months of the year is worse. The back six give you a break. Until the next year with all new problems. Hang in there.
Nobody likes being told what to do. When you tell her what to do, do you say, "No" Or do you say, for example, "Honey, please don't hit the dog, usual gentle hands instead." Meaning, do you use whole sentences and do you offer a positive thing she can do after you tell her what not to do?
Next, two is an age where they are in a limbo between being very dependent and becoming independent. There's a lot of growth. Do some of the power struggles come from stuff like her wanting to do things herself, etc? Also around that age they still don't have all the words to express what they are feeling. I think then they get overwhelmed and start the yelling and the "no" ing.
could she be not getting enough sleep because of pre-school? could they be feeding her something with too much sugar or with food dyes (which are known to cause behavior issues)?
Hi G.,
May I first recommend the book "to train up a child" by Debi Pearl. It is an awesome book that helped me train my son and daughter (almost 3 and 1 1/2) You need to 1. be consistent
2. calmly and lovingly set rules and stick to them.
So for example, when your child says No to you, you calmly say, "we don't say no to mommy" and give a little spanking (just enough to show you mean what you say). No yelling and no warnings. The FIRST time your child disobeys you you need to repeat what is expected of her and give a spanking to reinforce your words. Then move on to happy playing. This also allows your child to know that the action she did caused the spanking and not that YOU are mad at her. Always talk calmly and lovingly and follow through with your words. You will notice a HUGE change almost immediately.
Normal!!!!!! Hang in there, keep up the dicipline when needed, and know that in a year or so she will mellow down again. LOL This is all a part of normal development.
