2 Year Old Becoming Aggressive

i'd definitely try the ignoring. like you said, part of it is wanting attention, especially with a new baby coming - make sure and explain to him (over and over if necessary) his new role as big brother and how much fun he's going to have playing with his new sibling. ignoring him when he acts out will get to him more quickly than any kind of discipline, especially at this point in his life. the other part of it, the frustration, will also be helped if you ignore the bad behavior and continue to encourage the good. help him learn other ways to express his frustration (hitting a pillow instead, for example) and try to be supportive and understanding. just my two cents. good luck!

Although this can be typical for this age, it needs to be stopped. It sounds like he has some frustration and strong feelings built up and isn't sure how to handle it. Toddlers can get frustrated by many things at this age. They can understand language much better than they can speak it so that can be frustrating when they don't have the words. They typically want more independence now and don't know how to get it which can frustrate them. He may be sensing some changes going on. Either way, your job as his parent is to help him express his feelings in an appropriate way.

To help with this, when he hits, firmly and simply tell him that hitting hurts. Tell him to use his words when he is angry and give him an example of what he can say: "I'm angry" "I don't like that" etc. He needs to know it's ok to have strong feelings, but there are acceptable ways of handling them. It helps to focus on what he CAN do when he is angry rather than what he CAN'T. If he knows he can't hit but doesn't have an alternate, acceptable behavior, he is likely to continue to hit.

I work with toddlers and we generally read lots of books about feelings. Help him label different kinds of feelings by making happy, sad, angry, silly, and funny faces when he is in a good mood. Helping him put words to his feelings can help them be less confusing and overwhelming to him. You can also practice using "soft touches" or "gentle touches." Help him learn that if he wants your attention, he can get it by using his words or with "soft touches."

Trying to discover what it is that he is trying to tell you he needs when he hits can also help. Does he need more independence? Like having more choices throughout the day--"Do you want to wear the red shirt or the yellow one?" "Do you want carrots or beans with dinner tonight?" This can give him a manageable amount of limited control. Do you think he needs more consistency with rules and limits? Maybe try to look for a pattern of what is happening when he hits or right before. This can help you figure out what he needs.

A lot of the responses suggested time outs. Time out was originally meant to give the adult and child some time to cool of and settle down, NOT as a punishment. Time out alone does not teach an alternative, acceptable behavior.

Hope this helps! C.

You may try this. When you see the devilish look come to his face, immediately tell him NO and to wipe that look off his face. Then if he still hits, try taking away his favorite toys. What worked well with my little girl was when she hit she would be removed from the room and put on her bed with no toys or anything she could get her hands on to play with. And I did not go by age on the minutes. It started out as 5 minutes unless she started screaming then it would increase by 5 minutes everytime she hit or screamed at us. The last time this happened she sat on her bed for an entire hour. She hasn't hit since. Good Luck.

Time outs don't work for every child. What I do is swat my son (just one with my hand to get his attention), b/c sometimes he is just so wound up in his own world that he does not hear me counting. Other wise I count him to 3 then I either sit him down while telling him what he did did wrong or remove him from the source of his defiance.

God Bless!

Well to say the least he's a typical two year old. I myself have four boys so I know a little of what you are going through. You can try the ignoring method don't let him hit you, block it of course, but maybe if all he is looking for is attention and he's not getting any by doing that he might stop. I'm not sure of his maturity level but I would talk to my sons when we were going to have another child on a regular basis let them feel when he baby would kick and explain what it was and that they were going to be a big brother. I would ask if they would like to help with the baby when we get home from the hospital. Children understand alot more than we give them credit for.

I would recommend a swat on the hand, tells the two year old that hitting hurts. He can't really know what all the fuss is about if he never understands the correlation between hitting and pain. So, if he hits you with his hand or a toy in his hand, swat his hand and say, "that hurts". Keep consistant, and he will soon learn that he can't just bully everyone around. I have a four year old boy that still hits daily and throws toys when he is mad, and part of this, I think is because we weren't very consistant with him at 2, thinking it was the lack of ability to communicate, therefore excusing it. And, I kind of spoiled him. So, that is my .02 with having gone through the 2s 6 times now.

i don't oppose spanking either. i'm not sure that would work for this. i have a really hard time handling being hit. i might sit on his little butt! obviously not all my weight, but if i were holding him down and in a very kind voice explain i will not tolerate being hit. the purpose of a spanking is to immediately stop a behavior. i know that's what you want, doesn't seem like it would work for this instance, but it could

Hi R.,
I have to agree with Roxanna. "This too shall pass" with consistent positive reinforcement. Aggression begets aggression. You hitting/spanking--whatever term you want to use, will just produce an increased result in the same behavior in what you are trying to decrease. I have proof in my own son--my husband and I tried everything and finally after nothing worked we tried the last resolve and that was pushed by friends and family to "spanking"--I am completely against spanking, but we were desperate, well needless to say--it did exactly what I studied and "preached" against, as a former "child and youth/parent liasion--before motherhood". "Aggression begets aggression". We tried it for a month and I was the "spankor" because my husband knew I would be more gentler than he--it just made life more miserable for me, my son, and my husband. So, please do not even go there. Do take Roxanna's advice--Do read "Love and Logic" Do tons of positive reinforcement, do not react to his negative attention seeking. You have a few months left before baby. Make baby--his baby--make baby a special part of his life and remember when baby comes, to make a special time every day to be just time for you and big brother. Same for Daddy, every Sat. or Sun, have A Daddy and big-brother time.
Good Luck, and God Speed---He will mature--He will return to his loveing self--Remember to keep loving tones with him, as well. "LOVE Begets LOVE".
M. N.

Hi R. -

While I didn't have a "hitter" when my son was younger (he is 9 now) he had major issues with angry outbursts where he would tear things up, throw things, slam doors, call you angry things, scream, etc. Anyway, it was miserable. I tried everything! Or, so I thought! What I didn't realize was part of the issue (or the majority of the issue) was my husband and I's REACTION! Reaction is huge in factoring in to how our children behave. Kids do what pays! There is something he is getting from this behavior. My guess is that it is attention! And to a child attention is attention! You need to come up with a catch phrase for hitting and follow through with it each time! The follow through is very important (think consistency). Say to him, "(Insert name here), I am sorry you are mad or upset but hitting hurts people, and hitting is NOT ok. When you are calm and not hitting we will talk about it." Or say something to that affect and put him in a safe area away from you/ his toys/etc. and WALK AWAY FROM HIM. DO NOT respond any more in any way.

Mistakes I made with my son were to try to "talk" him out of negative behavior or yell at him/get angry right back. Remember, you want to model what you want from him in return...so if you are super mad and yelling that is most likely what you will get from him. Teach him words to express when he is frustrated - "Mommy I am feeling very angry." And watch for what tends to set him off. Then you can hopefully address that before it gets to the hitting point. Two year olds are impulsive and he is acting on impulse. This is pretty normal. You just have to reinforce what you want from him. Catch the moments where he is playing appropriately and praise him..."wow, you sure are playing nice, I really like to see you treating your (toys, friend, mommy,etc.) so nice."

The main thing he needs to learn is that hitting is not ok and he will not be allowed to do it. When he does if there swift action/consequence that follows he will get the hint and will get better about expressing himself in a more healthy way when he is upset.

Lastly, I highly recommend you read Love & Logic (or if no time for reading get the audio versions from your library). A lot of teachers, daycares, and parents swear by it. I used it and it made a wave of difference in my son when virtually nothing else was working! And remember, "this too shall pass." Hang in there!

Roxanna

If he's getting frustrated could be that he's getting tired- especially if he's recently gone to 1 nap from 2. is he getting to bed early enough- my son was ready every night by 7:30 when he was that age.
AND its probably also him discoving new identity and finding his boundries.. part of learning he's an idividual. and yes, if he gets a big reation, then he will hit for attention..
Keep up with the time outs in a designated spot. when he hits calmly state "that hurts, we don't hit," and put him calmly in his time out spot. and when he's out of time out.. give him some loving positive attention! or read him a story book, with him snubbling close, so he can get some physical attention and quiet time! my son is also a 'touch' person, so I have to give him positive 'touches"- hugs and pats on the back, so he doesn't try to get them in a negative manner. He's 11 now and loves to read, and will just come get/ give a hug when he needs one now.
Good luck!!!

Our son, who is now 6, used to have this problem, even up to school age. It seemed like nothing worked. It is a long process and you have to be consistant. When he hit me when I was holding him I would say NO firmly and immediatly put him down. When I was not holding him I would stop playing with him and walk away just saying, "no hitting,that hurts mommy(or daddy)". Sometimes it seemed like he would do it just to get a reaction from me. You really shouldn't make a big deal about it but be VERY consistant and eventually(seems like forever) it will stop.

Hello R.,
As a working mom you certainly have your hands full. It is possible that your little 2 year old might be feeling upset/angry or he misses you since you are working. He may be latching out for attention. He may be sensing the new baby that might compete for his attention that is already given to him. Sometimes family support systems can help in these situations. Other times moms and other family members might need coummunity help, like Early Head Start, Day Care facilities, or even support,help, and training, from Missouri First Steps.
Kind regards,
A. Roberts

Hi, R.. I have a 13 month old and am planning ahead for just such a situation. My husband and I have discussed many times how we would handle unwanted aggressive behavior. We've come up with some simple rules that I'd like to pass on. First, support each others decision as a team while within earshot of the child. If you disagree on a plan of action, discuss this outside of hearing range or after bedtime. Second, be consistant. I believe you are correct in that the aggression is caused by the need for attention, especially since you have number 2 coming along. Your first child seems to want to know that he is not being left out. Make sure you make a point before and after the birth of number 2 to spend quality time with your son, time meant especially for him. Do not take away that quality time as a punishment for aggressive behavior. The punishment does not fit the crime. On that note, make sure the punishment DOES fit the crime. In my opinion, you are correct that a spanking does not help avert the aggressive behavior. In fact, it may be a negative reward. Try to find some other way. Time out in a corner where he can't see what's going on or talk to anyone else is a good idea. Because he's only two with a short attention span, make sure you don't leave him there for too long. After the time out, make a point to sit down with him immediately and discuss why he had to go to time out. Make sure he tells you, and not the other way around. This helps him relate the fact that he did something wrong when he has to explain it to you. When mine starts heading that way we'll see if it works. Anway, these are my thoughts. Let me know if you have any suggestions on your end for me. I'm interested to know.

I have a 4 year old that had problems with this and I just made him go to time out. About a month ago I went to a head start meeting and they talked about ways to redirect children who seem to be a little agressive...or perhaps just having a mean moment. They talked about having them stop and use both sides of their brain. By making yourself into a pretzel by crossing your feet, putting your tonge on the roof of their mouth, then you hold your hands and twist um a certain way so they are up against your chest. There is a bunch of different things they have. I am sure you could call them and pick up a flyer. The Head Start on Main Street in Warrenton would be very happy to assist you.

Hi, R.. I am a child care provider and a lot of my children are transitioning from 2 to 3 years. The behavior you are seeing is so common for 2 year olds, and some even display that behavior around 3 years of age. I do recommend trying other things besides spanking, because as you said, it only reinforces using hitting to get a desired result. Something that works well for me with 2 year olds is a negative consequence immediately following the hitting. If a toy is involved, they don't get to play with it for a while. If a person is hit, I recommend firmly saying "We don't hit" and putting them in a chair where they have to sit for 2 minutes QUIETLY before they can get up. Use a timer, so they can see and hear what 2 minutes feels like. The most important thing is to stay calm and use the same discipline each time or they will continue to test you. I have found once they know you are serious and they are not seeing you react, the behavior lessons. As far as the new baby coming, keep the same rules as before, don't feel guilty because the time spent with the new one will inevitably lesson your time with your son. He will adjust and be fine. Having a new baby in the house is tiring enough for a mom, you don't need added guilt too. He will probably show some hostility, but include him in as much as you can prior to and when the baby comes. Good Luck and hOpe this info helps. K.

I was in the same situation at the same age. We did a lot of timeouts. I agree about the spanking for this situation. ust be consistant. My son wtill has small bouts of it. Let him get involved with the baby and the planning. After his timeout, do some activity with him. Read, play a game etc. Something calming where he gets your attention. This seemed to help our guy. Also make sure he appologizes to the person he hit - a real apology. And talk to him about why it is wrong and how he would feel if someone hit him. He might be too young to grasp this concept, but it will built the path.