Discipline for 3 Yr Old Son

I HIGHLY recommend the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelson. I have learned so much from them. I feel like I am a significantly better mom now that I have added her tools to my tool belt. Good luck!

Stop saying no and don't all the time. That is negative attention, and he is getting too much of it. It's hard to believe, but kids who desire attention will happily take negative attention. Focus on the positive behaviors.

Hi J.,

I strongly recommend "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I thought my son was pretty easy going because time outs and imposing consequences worked well -- for awhile. A year or so ago, I took a workshop based on this book because my son was starting to act up a lot more with my husband and me. Turns out that all our hard work, while effective in the short term (a couple of years) backfired, as we had raised a child who knew how to make threats -- "I'm going to find a new family, and I'm never coming back!" He actually went down the stairs and out the door at age 4.5. We give him lots of love and attention and clear boundaries. We thought we had it down! But nope! This book gives practical, easy-to-follow advice and also provides example exercises so that you can practice. There is no nagging, etc. An example of a tool that worked for us immediately is granting wishes. When our son had to miss an activity he enjoys because he had a birthday party to attend (and he reaaally wanted to go to the birthday party), he started getting really upset and asking why we weren't allowing him to go to his activity. Before this book, I would have explained that you can't be two places at one time and that he had chosen the party. Then he would have probably started complaining about something that had happened a week earlier and was totally unrelated, and I would have said something like, "If you continue to yell, you won't be allowed to go the either the activity or the party!" Instead, I took a few minutes to hold him and say, in a voice that sounded like I really meant it (in the past my voice sounded too matter-of-fact for him to get that I did understand how he felt), "Isn't it frustrating when two things you really want to do happen at the same time?" and "I can tell how sad you are to miss your activity!" I did that for longer than I felt I needed to because kids need that stuff for longer than we do. Then I said to my son, "I wish I could add ten hours to the day so that we had time to do everything we want to do. Wouldn't that be great?" And suddenly, instead of railing against me and the fates, my son was saying, "Ya, that would be great." And so I would continue with, "And I wish I could invent a way to be two places at once -- or maybe even three so that I could take a nap at the same time!" and my son started to laugh. And that was that. There are many techniques that do not deny your child's feelings but also provide alternatives to traditional punishment, such as giving choices. Instead of, "If I catch you running in the store again, I'll [insert consequence)," (example taken from the workbook) try, "Emily, no running. Here are your choices: you can walk or you can sit in the cart. You decide." There are many excellent techniques with clear examples. I saw an immediate improvement in my relationship with my son. The book is appropriate for parents of any age child. IMO, these authors' approach neither overinduldges the child nor negates the child's feelings. The approach also allows kids to understand that, for example, the reason why you don't run in the grocery store is that it disturbs others so that, down the road, the motivation for good behavior is how it affects others, not to simply avoid punishment. I hope this helps!

Sorry, but I would not concur with Pinar. I am a Social Worker who works with children birth to adulthood. I have attended many trainings on attachment. Time outs and negative responses often can increase the acting out. Time outs make kids feel alienated and alone.

It is helpful to :
1. give positive reinforcement for what your child does something right (You are probably already doing this- do it more).
2. think about whether what you are correcting him for is really a concern for his safety or someone else's (often we correct kids for things that are creative - like painting, coloring, drawing or playing with water/crayons, etc. in the wrong place- offer them another canvas or help them clean it up and calmly explain how it might be unsafe or damaging)
3. When he does something that is harmful to someone, stop and explain calmly why it is not safe. It is possible you might have to help him stop if he won't. (Remember that won't stop is sometimes "can't stop". The child's brain is still developing & it is hard to stop a behavior when a child becomes really focused on it.) Help him begin another activity or gently hold him until he can play safely.
4.Work with your child to use a magic eraser to clean the crayon off the wall and gently explain why this is not the place to draw. Offer some paper & realize they might do it again. It's all part of learning. He/she will learn that it is easier to write on paper they are given then to clean up walls.

Remember to remain gentle and loving with him. A child's "misbehavior" does not have to result in frustration for the parent. Sometimes looking at the situation from an alternate viewpoint is all it takes to avoid this. Kids learn from behaviors that are often misinterpreted as deliberate such as spilling liquids, writing on walls, demanding to do some things for themselves.
There is no need to get angry with the child because he has "misbehaved". This is how kids learn & test limits is part of learning.
The bottom line most of the authoritarian style that we have been taught in society & the educational system doesn't work. It is often conterproductive. Children can learn to center themselves and to obey limits through positive supportive means. This will help the child more in the long run. They will make better choices when no one's watching because they are learning rather than just responding to fear of consequences. Remember learning doesn't happen overnight. Just like it took months to learn the alphabet it takes just as long to learn new behaviors. Lastly, I think when children are willful, independent, headstrong, and/or rebellious their parents are often doing something right. The goal is not to break their will it is to help them channel it. Then they can help make a difference in our world.

Check out: Centerforvictory.com, beyondconsequences.com, attachment.org (not just for Reactive Attachment Disorder kids- can work for all kids)

R., LCSW & mom of 4 independent & strong willed girls (age 2 to 21) + 2 step children

Greetings J.: As the mother of 5 and the Grandmother of several , the foster mother of several and having run a day care I believe I have seen it all, and believe me from all the trips to the Er over the years I have had my share of adventurous and exciteable children. If their was an example of children that were not bad but just gotta do, try, and see for themselves I have raised them. I am the oldest of 10. My father just had to snap his fingers and we all dummied up. I didn't know the power of snapping until I also did it with all of our children. It is a clear signal tht is non verbal in communication.
I truely believe that the greatest job I have ever had is as a parent. I don't think that just talking does much good becaue they really want to know their boundries and what the concret limits are. Children need to understand and respect the adults in their lives and not be the leader but follow great examples. I so appreciate how my sweet daughter in law and son handle their children (who take so much after the father who climbed every curtain and mountain just to see what was at the top). They are firm and set limits yet don't use a lot of words their children hate time outs so they are effective.
I have learned to also use another method that workd wonders with my Grandchildren. I will whisper in their ears or just talk softly about how much I love and appreciate them but how I won't accept their unacceptable behavior. I will remind them of their role in the family and what the standards are for Nana's house. It calms the savage beast and it soothes the child because they have to stop- and listen so they can hear me. I have been told that I am not very smart and the childen from all the generations have all tried but I can only count to three. After 3 they won' tlike the result. I have a stairway and if they aren't to bad they sit towards the bottom the more they are in trouble they get moved to the top were they can see out a window and enjoy the view but they are not apart of what others are doing. I have seldom had to swat a child and don't believe it is the same as spanking a child(which I don't appreciate). But be firm and be consistant. Even whenI have a new foster child I would sometimes just sit and let them know they might have to help me rewrite some of the boundries but I was clear what they were. The day care children will all tell you they might get away with one thing at their house but can't do that with Nana. In fact one little one just to show me that they could get away with tantrums with a parent and ruin a perfectly nice event started right up and continued for several minuets then all I did was snap my fingers and start counting and they stopped. Mom and Dad were so surprized! Good luck in the great adventure of parenthood it will be a ride like no other. Nana G

J.-

I have one strong-willed child who is 5 (5 children total). I am currently reading Dr. James Dobson's "The Strong-Willed Child" and he speaks right into this situation. Your child needs you to be the strong authority, he is testing you and finding out if you are strong enough and persistent enough to lead him. Read the book, it really opened my eyes to this personality type. It is NOT about breaking the will or crushing the spirit, but about strong leadership which that child needs. It helps me appreciate my daughter more and change my behavior towards her to lead her, not struggle against her. I feel like the No-no parent all the time, but this book is definately helping.

Good luck to you!
D.

Buy and read Have a different Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman.
Buy it at Barnes & Noble of from Dr. Leman's website.

AMAZING book! Changed my life, which changed school life too.

http://www.drleman.com/store/images/uploads/New_Kid.jpg

I have not cajoled, demanded, threatened, argued, been annoyed, etc. in weeks.

Big idea... there are rights and privileges in a family. Things like going to the park to play, a play dates, using the playroom, piggy back rides, trip ice cream store, gymnastics, doing homework at a friend's house, etc. are PRIVILEGES. Parents are in charge of PRIVILEGES. When the basics in life are met, privileges happen.

Example: My daughter wanted a piggy back ride up to her room. She knows she is suppose to clear her plate from the table after dinner. She didn't. She headed over to do that and I turned to finish putting away the left-overs. I thought she had cleared her plate, so when she came for a piggy back ride I let her climb up. When I saw the dishes still on the table, I had her get down and said something like, " Clearing your plate each meal is your responsibility. I'm sorry I can't give you a ride when you are not being responsible to the family." I head up stairs. She quickly cleared her plate adn started yell, "I cleared my plate. I cleared my plate." When she made it upstairs, still yelling, I came out of the restroom and said something like, "I'm happy you cleared your plate, but you should not have had to be reminded. You know that expectation." That's it. The next morning, after breakfast that plate was in the sink. Same for the next dinner.

But the next day she forgot again at breakfast. I didn't yell or even say a word. At dinner, I set all the clean places, not hers. When dinner was called, everyone filed in. She saw her dirty dishes, picked them up, and headed to the counter. I asked her to scrap them and put them in the dishwasher. She did. Then she picked up her plate and silverware from the counter, filled her plate, and joined the family. She hasn't forgotten to clear her plate again.

This child understands the expectations and is following them. The consequences matter to her. Homework isn't done. I don't argue. I lock the playroom door. There is a discussion about responsibilities of being 7 and one is doing homework.
Homework gets done now with no arguments, cajoling, supporting, etc.

Basically it's a supply and demand type system. I control the how big the supply is and she is in charge of her demands. She meets the family expectations, and supplies will be rolled out appropriately or not. She has missed a few gymnastics classes because of inappropriate choices. Miss three and I cancel the class. She me you are meeting the expectations and I sign her up again. Last time the day had to change because her spot was filled. Lesson learned.

Stephanie

Toddlers are so challenging! Positive discipline works best. Check out this article: http://www.mo-river.net/Community/positive_discipline.htm
"...The most important thing to remember about discipline is that it is a form of teaching, and good teaching is based not on punishment, but on guidance. When you use the positive discipline techniques outlined above, you will be guiding your child toward developing the kind of behavior that others will enjoy, which leads to a happier child and a more peaceful family...."

Oooh boy...hot topic..so much to consider.
His language abilities, listening skills, style of learning..Will he respond better to visual cues and reminders? If so, all that talk, counting, etc...mute point. I am familiar with all of the suggested books and theories. We have worked with behaviorists and developmental pros and guess what...timing, maturity and attachment is essential.

Technically sound concepts are great..however, the cheeky kiddos, often bright, need a bit more, not easy for pregnant and tired mom. Just know that magic 1,2,3,, ..Love and logic, Friday's new kid, expectations, all solid, may need to be tweaked according to your situation. Also, as he matures, speaking reason and rational will take you farther than most realize. I speak from the vantage point of trying those when I was in your situation. It was not until our Developmental..key word, Pediatrician..witnessed me using a "technique" in front of her to prod an appopriate behavior..and she said, STOP, give him the darn crackers, had my son leave the room with his dad..asked me about the technique and shared this book (see below) and the importance of attachment. I, who had been a natural mother, thought I was attached. I nursed my baby, wore him, co slept.he was easy, compliant, quiet and then things shifted during age 3 and I thought I needed to help him and I listened to OTHERS who instilled fear of a reckless child if I did not so I tried this, tried that..and my child, would outwit the wit..I had a realization in that doctor's office and realized that those behavior techniques were coming between my child and I and that was impacting his behavior more than anything. Often the most disruptive, oppositional children also have a desire to please. These children become celebrity for their behavior and it is a dangerous label. Look at our adolescents who are depressed..I realized that before I started to try various behavior modifications at age 3, Just a short year before, we were close and connected, now were in a struggle and we were both sad and we would soon become mad if we did not have the positive intervention from our pediatrician. It took time but we repaired it. He and I are closer than ever and we even have worked with a professional behaviorist, but our relationship is intact and I can tell you, that will carry us through the years..There is trust and everything starts with trust. By the way, that doctor, 3 years later, has gone to his schools, called me at home and emails me without hesitation. She is world renown in her field at the UC MIND institute and more than anything, reminded me without trying, of why I became a mother, to be close to my children.

I share this because most parents will never have the benefit of a Developmental Pediatrician unless their child has an exceptional need, whether a giftedness or disability, in our case, we have both. My son is NOT on the ASD spectrum per current DSM -3, has been referred to as a genius by the President of the American Pediatric Psychiatry Association, is not medicated but has two things that make life challenging..an extraordinary brain and an immature neurological system...which impacts maturity, sensory (dealing with many people, noise, transitions, stations in school..fatigue,.decision making).. and that impacts behavior..I share this for mom's of boys for two reasons..1/20 have a neurological something or another...most of our children are suffering from a deficit in outside time and an overload of paper and pencils...and the more we push our babies to be elementary school in their maturity, the more they push back...the more we react out of fear, the longer the struggles will live in our home. I have been there.

All of us, however, have access to sage advice based on sound research. Daniel Seiger also wrote, the Developing Brain. It is very sophisticated and it illustrates how the young brain literally sprouts neurons or how they are short circuited by excessive, what damage is done by trauma or their perception of trauma and how it actually makes an imprint for future problems solving needs. It may hit some people in the gut as memories may stir.

EDIT, I do Like for Faber and Nelson's books and concepts and I have also had to parent uniquely to each child's temperament. Not different rules but they are different people and have individual needs. My son need's quiet and alone time to regroup and restore from crowds. My daughter needs to tinker around the house...son needs more reminders and explanation as he asks a lot of questions, daughter needs more redirection.

Lastly, Attachment with your young along with your new baby is in my humble opinion, the most important cornerstone of your relationship. You can have a positive behavior plan in your home, boundaries, limits and consequence but it cannot trump attachment! This opinion still supports early modeling and not leaving children to develop into truants and defiant punks as some fear but I encourage everyone to first read Parenting From The Inside Out , less technical but also written by Seiger before trying anything else. It is a critical reminder of the importance of how children's brains develop. how they are imprinted by experience, voice tones, pitch, etc for life and the critical nature of REPAIR. Children need to repair behavior in order to make change. That can be shaped..it takes time.

Hi J.!

I remember feeling like all that I ever said was "NO" or "don't do that". I think what really helped was ME trying to say NO without actually saying it :O)

Like, when he asks if he can have another cookie, I would say "Of course you can! You simply need to eat your lunch first, then you can have TWO cookies!!!" This way I never said NO, but I still demanded the responsibility first.

My new "attitude" was to always say yes. It was a "trick" that seemed to work in my home with both of my boys.

Today they are 6 & 12 and I still use it, but for other reasons, example; Computer time, swimming, TV, etc...

I hope that gives you an idea of how to handle these very difficult times :O)

~N. :O)

I recently started reading 1-2-3 Magic. Can't remember the author's name. It explains a simple way to do time-outs. But, you have to be consistent and keep your cool when using the method. I haven't started using it yet b/c I want to finish the book yet, but I am eager to try. You might want to check out the book; it's good reading. Best of luck to you!

I read your responses, and had to give a shout out for Jane Nelson, and positive discipline. It is NOT permissive, and relies strongly upon PARENTING, not changing your child's behavior, so much as yours. I have a strongwilled, creative and intelligent 4 year old, and I feel your pain. 3 is something else! Good Luck, and remember, your child will be 4 soon!
D.

Your son sounds just like mine. No great words of advice but I wanted to recommend a book called No, David! You will see that you are not alone in this and may actually find some humor and a surprise and sweet ending.

The biggest issue I have with my 3.8 year old and my 2.5 year old is that they get really physical with each other and the little guy ultimately ends up crying. Hopefully by the time your little guy is walking and moving about, your big guy will be old enough to be a little more sensitive.

nothing works for us either...

You sound just like me several months ago! I have a 3 yr old boy, and a 6 mo. old baby boy. For many months prior to giving birth, my 3 yr old tested me every step of the way. He is a darling, smart, energetic boy who suddenly was disobeying me and seemed to be having fun with it. He was throwing a lot of tantrums and with me being so pregnant I really had little patience and thought I was going to lose my mind! If you have been talking to your older son about #2 quite a bit to prepare him, as I did, it could be making him a little anxious. I felt that my son knew change was coming and that he didn't like it. All you can do is keep giving him lots of love, and telling him the ways in which his life will change for the better once his sibling arrives.

Over the last several months we've gone though a lot of adjustments, my older son is still a little jealous but has grown very fond of his little brother. As for the behavior, I realized that our time-outs now work because I am more consistent. When I was pregnant I was too tired to deal with making it stick a lot of the time. But now, the same behaviors will always receive time outs, I will always make him stay for the 3 minutes and they have become so much more effective. I, like you was tired of saying STOP and DON'T and getting super frustrated. I needed to remind myself to say "How about we do this instead?", etc.

I wish you the best of luck! He is going through a typical 3 yr old stage and has a new sibling coming and is going through a lot. He is going to turn out just fine, just give him some clear guidelines he can count on!

You and Page are right: don't say "No" and "don't" all the time. "No" and "don't" are best saved for serious situations, such as where he tries to run into the street, or hits another child, or is playing with scissors or matches or something else that's dangerous.

At 3 the best way to "discipline" is to just distract him. He is not old enough to understand an explanation of why he shouldn't do something, so don't waste time on it. If you see him starting to do something he shouldn't, or get into something he shouldn't, just swoop down on him, and take him by the shoulders and physically turn him away from what he's about to do, and start talking excitedly about something else:"Oh, let's do this---let's go over here, and take a look at this, and you tell mama about this or that..." Or you can grab him up, swing him around, and tease him a little about him getting into something he shouldn't, and then immediately launch into another idea altogether: "Hey! That's not what we want to do here! Let's go outside and play with ...[whatever]!" Sometimes it's as easy as just interrupting him, for example, if he's starting to whine or cry, with "Oh goodness look at this! Here's your funny little stuffed dog!! We haven't seen him for a while! What does he say?"

"Distracting" doesn't always work, but it works enough to significantly reduce the number of "Nos" and "don'ts" you have to use. The less often you have to use "no," the more powerful it becomes when you do need to use it.

Hi J.,
I didn't have time to read all of the other responses, but here are a few things my husband and I try to follow.
1) We find that speaking in soft, but serious, tones gets his attention more effectively than yelling. It's an observation we took from public speaking, but works well with children. If they get yelled at, they can get wrapped up in shame. But if they hear you speak with them calmly but seriously, often they'll take it to heart.
2) This is something I learned in a special education workshop, but just really resonated with me, for my very typical but also very energetic and independent two-year-old. The instructor said parents and teachers spend the majority of the time saying don't and no, but this often leaves kids in a vacuum ("ok, I can't run in the house, but what can I do?"). So the idea is to tell the child in positive language what you want them to do, and to be as specific as possible. Instead of saying "Don't stand on the chair" you can say "Please sit with your tush on the chair and your feet on the ground." Sometimes, of course, you have to say "Don't run in the street!" or "Don't touch, it's hot" because it is a safety issue. But trying to re-think the way you speak so that it is more positive and understandable helps children learn, rather than admonishing.
Good luck!

I have found that ignoring the negative behavior (unless it's dangerous) is very helpful. I don't like it when my LO throws a fit in front of me etc. so when that's going on I send her to her room... I tell her "If you are going to scream (throw a fit, behave badly, hit, etc.) then you can do it in your room... you need to stay there until you are done and ready to be a good girl and play nice". Then if she tries to get out I keep putting her back in there until she realizes that she is going to have to stop.... sometimes I put her in her crib until she stops (haven't gotten her a toddler bed yet... she doesn't climb out yet). This seems to work.

The most important thing is for your yes to be yes and your no to be no. I see a child whine and whine and the parent said no. But as the child gets on thier nerves they give in and the child gets his/her way. I have two kids like that now in my care. One wakes up at night and the Dad gets up and watches t.v. with him and he feeds the child what he wants. The other child has been asked to leave three child cares due to his behavior problems. He is geting better as I don't give in. Our program is freedom within limits. I try to say yes as much as I can and no as little as I can. Like if it is late afternoon, they can not paint. This child is getting better. So I suggest tht you ignore what you can, pick your battles on what is the most important thing you want him to do, give lots of love like you are doing and praise, and you will have to go and take him by the hand and do things with him that you want to do. Kids do alot of testing of limits. Follow through and don't give up.
F.

Hi J.,

The saying should be "terrible threes", not twos....
One thing I found that worked is to ignore the negative behavior IF it's just to get attention and the behavior is not destructive or unsafe. Then praise all of the good behavior. "Good job playing quietly" "helping mommy" "Mommy is so proud of you for _____" And making sure you stick to a schedule and your son is not hungry or tired should help. Good luck to you - the three's were the hardest. Congrats on the new one on the way.
J.