My Three Year Old Daughter Refueses to Go to Pre-school

Hi J. i have a 3 year old son who goes to daycare as a matter of fact this is the 3rd daycare he's been in. The first 2 daycare centers his 2 sisters worked at them and he loved it, but now this 3rd daycare when my husband takes him he holds on to my husband's leg and says he hates the daycare . My husband asked him why does he hate the daycare and his response was the teacher screams at him, of course i was very upset and i called the daycare right away and the director called the teacher into the office and questioned her about this, of course her reply was she does'nt yell at him, she has a strong accent and i said maybe my son is getting mixed signals thinking that she's yelling when in reality it's her strong accent . They have camera's all over the daycare and the director said at any time i can view the camera if i have any doubts about anything. I suggest that you sit down with your daughter and ask her why she does not want to go to preschool/daycare? My son has been in daycare since he was 18 months old some children just have to adjust being away from daddy, mommy and other family members.

I think this is normal three year old behavior. Testing limits, etc. I think you should keep doing what you are doing and stay calm and make it clear school is not optional.

I've not no personal experience with this (my daughter's too young still), so I'm stealing this idea from a TV show I saw - why don't you let her stay home one day, but make it "miserable" for her - no TV or toys (or maybe just a couple), and she can only be in one room, etc. In an few hours, she should be BEGGING to go to school!!

Hi J. - Basically, throwing tantrums like this is typical 3-year-old behavior. They want to feel in control of something. She's latched on to something that works for her - getting Dad to spend an hour with her maybe?

What worked with my son was to let him pick out his clothes the night before. He's also started wanting to take his lunch to school so we pack up a snack in a lunchbox the night before (pretzels or something else sturdy since he really can't eat outside food at school). He's excited to take it to school and he eats it on the way home. He also has one particularly favorite friend at school so I remind him that David is waiting for him to come have breakfast and play.

Basically all of this has only started to work after I stopped spending the time trying to talk him into going. When I could see he was working himself up to a full-blown fit, I would just lay his clothes on the bed and leave and go do something else telling him he could come out when he was ready to stop crying and get dressed. After a while he would come out dressed and ready to go.

Anyway, my son is now four and he still does the I don't want to go to school routine about twice a week. But the tantrums are gone when I tell him he has to go. You have to figure out how to change the equation is her mind from tantrum = attention to tantrum = no attention. More often I have to distract myself in order to be able to wait him out. If I listen to his rantings, I really want to go in and talk it out. This doesn't work.

Good luck!

hi J., another J. here;

my 3 yo son is a lot like this and also has recently had some hostile behavior problems due to jealousy of our 16 month old, and also stress when we moved to a new apt.; but he has radically improved recently with the following changes by me and my husband.

number one, huge amounts of positive reinforcement. 3 yr olds are so bizarre, they talk a lot and seem sane and logical but they are far from it; they really are still babies who don't even know what's going on quite often. yet at other times they are so quick! they need a LOT of TLC and there's no harm in pouring it on. we give huge amounts of hugs, kisses, I Love Yous, You Are My Number One Boy, and constant concrete complimenting on even the smallest details, like, you are sitting so nicely in that chair! what a good job eating your cereal just like a big kid! you had a great bath tonight, good work, etc. His face glows when we do this and it helps him be nice.

number two, DON'T COERCE. my husband discovered that if he wanted my son to do something like get his pajamas on after bath, and my son would run away, it became a game we could not win, the more we insisted the more he ran away. so after one attempt now my husband will just turn his back on him casually, sit on the floor with my sons books and toys, and be kind of loose and open but not obvious. usually after 2 minutes of this my son will come right over, get involved, and transition right into pajamas.

another thing that works in the above scenario is role playing. after one attempt, i will say to my son, "Gee, I wonder if you'd like to pretend to be a big kid. Oh, big kid, would you like to show me how a big kid puts on pajamas?" and he will also come right over. these methods take all the heat off the kid and all the angst out of you.

also, don't invest what she says with power; she doesn't know what she means when she says she doesn't want to go to school, obviously she likes school. she knows that saying it DRIVES YOU CRAZY and gets her a LOT OF ATTENTION FROM< DADDY. that's why she's doing it. she will only stop if you ignore it.

i would reccommend looking up the "1-2-3 Magic" behavior program; it is a book which my husband and i got from a family therapist and we are putting it into practice now with wonderful results. it's all about your own sense of control and getting the child's respect through consistency and calm. you will love it. you do not need a therapist to use it, we just started with therapy for my son and this is where the therapist took us. it's really working and all you need is the book and the comitment.

good luck!
J.