My Teenager Is Getting Confused, I'm Scared for Him

F.,

Some ideas for your son. Do you know any of your local police? If not just call the local office and see if they have any programs to show the kids what happens when they do wrong. Also, when my son is ready to get his license we are going to take a day and sit in the back of a court room so he can see what happens to people when they make mistakes driving. You might be able to do this for juvinial court to scare him. You might be to young but I remember watching the special on TV when I was about 13 called Scard Straight. It did more than that for me. I vowed that I would never let myself be in that situation that night. Maybe you can track that video down.

Above all else remind him that you are his mom and you love him unconditionally. But you hope that he can understand that for every action there is a reaction, and accountability.

As for your hsuband, been there done that and bought the t-shirt. I was and still am the tough parent. He is coming around now becasue he saw how it helped our oldest out and how responsible she is. All I can recommend there is remind him that your sons action do reflect back on him. Does he want to be a friend and watch his son go down the wrong path or be a paerent and help him to grow to be the man he should be.

Your son is watching you set goals with school and work to improve yourself. You are making a difference in his life.

I did make my kids read a couple of books. If they did not read them than I read them at the dinner table once a week or so. Try reading "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen this book was written in the 1800's and still has great wisdom today. I also have a book called "The Book Of Virtues" great morale stories. Stop by the library for both of these. Finally they have to also read "The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. These are great books for everyone.

Remember knowledge is power. God said, " My people parish for lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6

You are a good Mom trust what you are doing. YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS!!!!

Finally the famous last words we have all heard. IF YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFF OF A CLIFF WOULD YOU FOLLOW THEM? Thank to my Mom for having to constantly remind me of this.

J.

Your twelve year old may be of some help here. He can be your eyes and ears when you're not around, and you could even assign your 15 year old to be with him at home at certain times. You are the mother, be tough. He will thank you some day, I promise.

Make sure he knows you love him. Love on him as much as possible (I mean platonic, of course). Give him praise for anything he does right, and if you can't think of something, complement his posture or breathing. "You sure sit up straight", or "You breathe nice and deep." My favorite saying comes from the Doctrine and Covenants: "Reprove at times with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Spirit, showing forth after an increase of love." Perhaps if your husband sees this he will realize that you really do have your son's best interests at heart. Don't be shocked at your son's behavior. Be sure to be someone he can come talk to things about - that you will be fair and not unreasonable.

What about getting him involved in a mentoring program? He could be set up with a young, cool, responsible male role model that could help him talk through some of those tough decisions...some things he might not want to talk to his parents about....some things that the mentor may have gone through recently himself (being a younger adult). Kids look at mentors a lot differently than they look at their parents or other family members. Often churches or community groups have mentoring programs.

Hi F.,
I know that it can be hard to raise kids without the support of your husband. I raised my kids as a single mom, but had a lot of contact with the native community. It meant a lot of driving to get to pow wows and gatherings, but I felt that by having my daughter and son around tribal parents and elders that it gave them valuable advice and information that wasn't just from "Mom". They also were encouraged to take pride in their heritage and develop who they really are in relation to that heritage. I found that elders are great for that. It also gives everyone a break from the same struggles and lets different views help you out.
I have found that being in the city all of the time causes confusion in adults, so you can only expect it to be even more confusing for our kids. My kids learned traditions, art, stories, and dances at gatherings. It gave them a foundation on which to build who they are and a sense of pride from which to launch their futures.
My son is a business owner and is noted for being honest and hard-working, but he is also known for speaking his mind. My daughter is a mother of 3, has her own business that let's her work from home. They were both champion dancers and were recognized for their skills in making regalia and art items. My grandaughter has danced since before she could walk and has recently asked to be able to go to pow wows and dance jingle. Her younger brother wants to be a fancy dancer. So we are making new regalias to be able to take them to gatherings around Salt Lake.
A word for your husband and you. I have lived all over the country and have seen a lot in my time, I'm not ancient, but I have noticed certain actions usually carry similar results for very different people. You and your husband need to get away together and become a team again. He needs to be on your side and you need to be on his. Your son is just like most kids, in that he will try to divide you so that it weakens your power as parents. It is to your advantage for you and your husband to present a united front to your kids. It also gives your kids a sense of security and lessens their confusion when they know that they can count on a certain response coming from both of you. Talk to your husband without the kids being around and when neither of you are upset. Ask him why he is acting this way. Get him to express his reasons for his actions. (You may find that it's meant to avoid arguments and dramatics - guys want peace at home in most cases and will do whatever they can to get it). Once you guys have touched base on that, come to an agreement on how to handle things when they come up. It may be as simple as your husband having simple statements that reinforce your decision and shows the kids that you are acting together. "Did you ask your mother?, What did your mom say?, Let me discuss it with your mom and I'll let you know." That get's him out of the line of fire, and unites you two as a parenting team. Make rules that work for you in your lives : curfews, homework, weekend plans, checking in, jobs - in and out of the house. Whatever it takes to make it work for your family. Have family meetings to help everyone work together.
***Remember, we are given kids for only a short time to help them learn how to live in our changing world. They are our future and our best chance to make the world a better place.

Perhaps you can get him involved with a Youth Group or YMCA- that can have a postive imput on a teenagers life. Guide him in the direction of his interests is always smart. It is never to early to get him thinking about his future and what he wants to do with his life so he has a goal. Or better yet - maybe he could get a job? You are the parent though and it is more important to have respect between child and Parent (regardless of their age) than it is to be their buddy. Teenagers need guidance and it needs to come from home.

Hope that helps!
Caroel

I know you don't want him to go down the wrong path, but you just might have to let him. The deal is that we as parents teach our children, and then we have to let go and let them choose, as gut wrentching as it may be. And please don't feel guilty for being the "mean" one...you're a parent first and foremost. He has enough friends, mentors, etc., he needs a mom. Keep in mind also that he's pushing boundaries to see where you'll crack so he knows where his "freedom" is. You are doing an incredible thing, and a great job at that. Put the kids first as much as possible, even when you think you can't. I would also advise finding him (or encouraging him to find) friends that are his own age. You're doing great. Don't let go.

I have a seventeen year old son, I know what your going through, I talked to my son about everything drugs, sex nothing was off limits. I sat the limits, he told me where he was going, who he was going with, what they would be doing and he knew that at anytime I might show up, I gave him his freedom but to a limit. If he wanted to do something else or the plans changed he had to call an let me know. This gave him a way out, if it was something he didn't want to do or something he didn't feel right about, he could use me as the bad guy. Get him into youth groups at a church, sports. Let him know that you will always love him no-matter what and that as long as he tells you the truth, that you will stand with him against the outside world 100% no matter what, but let him know that doesn't mean he won't be in trouble with you. Trust him and let him know that you trust him, until he does something, then let him know that if he wants your trust back, he has to earn it. Be tough, be strong its hard and follow your heart. Remember only you carried him under your heart for nine months.

Hi F.,

I can't say that I know what you are going through, yet. My kids are all still very young. But, I recently watched an episode of Oprah in which Bill Cosby was on. It made me realize that our youth are having a hard time in the world today with making "good" decisions and becoming hard working adults. He wrote a book called, "Come on People". I woudl recommend reading that. He states as parents, we have to be involved, noisy and aware of what are children are doing. Mean or not, he will thank you one day for it. Stay strond and good luck.