I need advice. Here is the history. My husband has 4 kids from a previous marriage. They all live with us. We share a 4 year old daughter. The older kids are 22, 20, 17, and 15. All girls with one boy (20). Before we get started let me tell that my husband WILL NOT kick out the boy, so that's not an option. (I would like him to go but I digress).
We have set up the chores for the household like this. The two oldest kids pay a small rent ($50 for the 22 year old since she's going to school and helps out, $150 for the boy since he just works and is disrespectful and doesn't help out). The older two also have to wash their own dishes and then they swap weeks where they do the pet chores and trash, then they have a week off. The other two girls (17 and 15) swap weeks on dishes and then have a week off. They get an allowance that is going towards cell phones.
Here is my irritation. Regardless of what the rules are for the boy he always has to push it by not doing something. For instance, last night he cooked some hamburger and made himself taco's. This morning the meat was still in the pan on the stove and none of his dishes were washed. He did wash 1 pan before 8 this morning but the rest was unwashed and, in my opinion, left for the sister who is on dishes this week.
Now, I don't talk with the boy because it's never pleasant and I would kick him out for being a disrespectful jerk. He has lived with us for 8 years and has burnt that bridge with me about a year ago. Maybe someday (when he moves out) we can work on rebuilding that bridge but it won't happen while he lives here and keeps doing things like above.
Since I don't talk to him, I usually have to talk to my husband about these things and get him to deal with it. I try not to tell him these things first thing in the morning, but I know he's going to be leaving soon to go to work and then it won't get done. So I waited until he had been up for about an hour or so and then mentioned that he needed to wash his dishes from the night before. He told me a while later that he would like for nothing negative to be mentioned on the weekends because he feels it ruins his weekend.
So, if I can't talk to the boy (because I will want him gone and Hubby doesn't want him gone), and I can't talk to my husband about it. Then what else can be done? Do we let the kids work it out amongst themselves?
Thanks...
PS - FYI I have tried many many many many many MANY times to connect with this kid. I have given him more chances than I feel he deserved with the things he has said and done. Please don't try to tell me that he doesn't do his dishes because I don't talk to him because he didn't do his dishes even when things were "good". This has more to do with him trying to get away with stuff and being lazy about household chores than anything else.
Sorry for the rant but I don't want people blaming this on me when he's an adult and is more than capable of pulling his weight.
Thanks again for any advice.
I don't want negative things on the weekends EITHER. So its okay for MY weekend to be ruined, and for me to suffer, but not okay for you? How are we going to work that? What's the solution?
Wow. I wouldn't want to live in a house where the *mother* doesn't talk to me, even though it's also with my dad.
Why not put some real effort into connecting with this kid on some (ANY) level?
I'm shocked that no O. else sees that....
.
Two words - family counseling.
Wow, I'm surprised he was up before 8 on a weekend! I guess you could start putting the dirty dishes he doesn't clean in his room to pile up. Maybe he might get the hint when his room starts stinking like rotten food!
Well since he is wasting food and adding to the workload increase his rent. Seems easy, so then dad says well we have looked over what your waste and added junk have cost and it equals say $50. Eventually it will either be too expensive to continue the behavior or his rent hits a point where it is cheaper for him to decide to move out.
Win win!
I can understand allowing the 22 yr old to live with you while in college and willing to help out with some rent and chores but what's the logic for the 20 year old? I'd say he's worn out his welcome and exactly how long does your husband expect you to tolerate his son's disrespect in your own house? He should have put an end to that the minute it started. You're not doing the boy any favors by creating this "unreal" reality and buffering him from the harsh realities of real life. Do the parenting thing and go over budgeting and give him 3 months to save up then move to an apartment. He can be a slob in his own space.
You need to start talking to the boy, that is the solution. Your husband should not have to be a go between. And if the boy is disrespectful you need to lay it out to your hubby that this is your home too, not just his, and if the boy can not be respectful he will move out. If the dishes things is a common occurrence, do not have the girl wash them, just set them to the side and keep at him about doing it.
say the word with me
boycott
if everyone gets together and refuses to clean up after this mental reject, then he might actually learn to do for himself
but, as long as the rules of clean up after yourself apply to everyone but him, he is going to act like the rules apply to everyone but himself.
have everyone put names on the dishes, their own names, that is , with everyone washing their own dishes, that way, when dinner time rolls around, and slacker boy has no clean dishes of his own, that is just too bad. it will prompt him to clean his own dishes, one way or the other, a bad case of food poisoning will teach even the laziest child to wash their own dishes.
K. h.
had to stop reading. the TWENTY YEAR OLD "BOY" is a grown man and freeloading off you and husband. it will ruin your marriage, if it hasn't already. your husband and i (if it was me) would be having SERIOUS discussions about this. you are both allowing these grown children to sponge off you and for that young man to have that attitude towards you (his caretakers since he refuses to take care of himself as a MAN of twenty years old) he needs to find another roof to live under. period. absolutely ridiculous that your husband is allowing this. quite honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. your husband needs to get some cohones and stop allowing his grown children to treat him and YOU that way. what a completely spineless jerk. he's not acting like a man, and he's not raising his son to be one, either.
sorry. that just really hit a nerve for me for some reason. i apologize for male bashing! but...guess i can't take it back. it's how i feel. don't let them keep treating you this way.
It is not about "blaming", it is about responsibility. Yes, your adult son should be responsible enough to do his chores without being told. Yes, your husband should be responsible enough to see they are not done and address the issue without you having to tell him. You should be responsible enough to have an adult conversation with your son.
I get that he is not "your" son but rather your step-son but as I have said before and firmly believe...when you become serious or marry someone with kids, you have to accept and treat them as your own or you have no business being involved with their bio-parent. By continuing to make his father be the only one who can address him, you have encouraged his lack of respect for you. Although the situation may not be your fault, by not even talking to him you have shown him immature behavior and a lack of respect from someone who is supposed to a parental figure. Even if he is not showing you the respect you deserve, you have to be the true adult.
By having to "tattle" on him to his father, your husband is feeling like "oh boy, what did my son do now?" and "why do I have to address this everytime?". Your son most likely feels like "I can get away with this because she's not going to do anything and dad is not going to enforce much". Men and women see things differently and behave accordingly so while you see the dishes being a big deal, the guys do not. Your son may also feel like, I pay more rent than my sister I should be able to skip some chores sometimes.
I strongly suggest that you talk to your husband first and then the two of you talk to your son. Going forward, don't put your husband in the middle.
I've got to say, he will ALWAYS be their father but not necessarily always your husband. If someone were to put me in the middle and make me choose...kids win every time.
Charge him for everything you do that he is supposed to do. Or if his sister washes his mess, have him give her money b/c she did his job.
What a terrible situation. A house divided will not stand! I hope you and your husband will find a good solution for all, very soon.
Um, raise his rent. Tell him sine he refuses to contribute to the household chores, and everyone else has to pick up his slack, that the additional rent will cover "maid" service in the common areas of the house. Then split the addition between the girls if they are the ones cleaning up his messes.
Actually, letting the kids work it out for themselves may be the way to go. If the girls get tired of cleaning up after him, they will say something to him, their Dad, or both.
When we were in our late teens, my father remarried. When my stepmother had an "issue" with us, instead of coming to us, she would complain to my father. He would then tell us "Do X", "Don't do X", "Why are you doing X". Sometimes X was something we had always done, or something that, pre-remarriage was not a big deal. As a result of this, we began having relationship issues with our father . After asking our father what was going on, he explained that our Stepmom was the one taking issue with these things. We told him, fine, but tell her to come directly to us. We valued our relationship with our father and were tired of the strain she was putting on it.
Long way around the bushes to say - maybe your Hubby doesn't like to be caught in the middle between you and his son. (From what my father said, it was a horrible place to be.) Hence, his comments about your "ruining" his weekend. There could also be a little "head in the sand" thing going on with him.
Be all that as it may, I do believe that any able bodied 20 something child still living at home should respect the rules of the house. Seeing that your stepson does not, and he is not moving out any time soon, you have to find alternate ways to cope with this. So, raise the rent to cover the "maid" service or let his sisters get sick of cleaning up after him and they will deal with it. Practice a little "head in sand" of your own. Dad may get sick of a messy kitchen, finally, and deal with it himself.
Good Luck
God Bless
In the long run, ultimately, all the kids will move out, and it will be you and your hubby. You don't want this creating problems that will affect your marriage.
tell him to not give you anythng negative to say. Ok so maybe something else that could have been addressed later but his dishes are his responsibility. You want the weekend to start off nice for everyone and him doing his part will help that. It is not only for you, but for his sisters and his father as well. And mention to him on Monday ;0)
short answer; I would increase his rent and divide it up among the sister's who do the chores. There is much more going on than your 20 year old step-son not doing his chores. I sense the tension has been there for years and probably stem from your blended family. So unless you have your husband on board and demand he respect you completely there isn't much to resolve other than if it gets worse YOUR only option will be to move out yourself. However, I too digress. Good luck.
i agree with jen and also if the girls start leaving things for him to do on his week tell him oh well, you do it to them and they didn;t like it so know he gets a little karma!
i don't agree with the boycott from my moms experience. she lived with my younger sister and her husband (who is in his 40's) she is just 31. anyways, my mom stayed with me sometimes while my husband works nights, and she would clean the house before she would leave, etc. she would come home to animal poo smeared on the floor because they wouldn't let the dogs out, dishes in the sink from 3 days ago (she would deliberately sometimes leave them so she would know), the floors wouldn't be swept, the garbage not taken out.
my point is, some people are PIGS. they just are. it doesn't matter what you do, or how you go about it. nothing will work. don't talk to your husband, or if you feel the need, tell him that he can do the dishes his son won't do. i would let the girls deal with the son. if they get tired of doing his dishes, then they can say something. that way your not the redheaded stepmama. :)
My now 30 yr old stepson moved out when he was 16 because I made him do chores while his dad was at work. They talked and my husband said he would come home if he did not have to take orders from me! EXCUSE ME!! DIdn't happen-he moved in with Grandma and never moved back to live with us. A year later, we started talking again and now he comes over every weekend with his kids to visit! We married when he was 7 and I took him everywhere and treated him no differently. He just got to that point that most kids get to as a teen and thought others would go his way!
From the sound of things, it looks like your stepson hit this point a few years ago but his dad allowed him to continue to disrespect you and it has just gotten worse.
Unless you want him there for another 10 yrs or longer, it's time to make him move out on his own. Because it is coming between you and your husband!!!
Another similar post today was about kids and someone suggested contacting Alanon-not just for alcoholics but people in a co-dependent relationship. And make sure your husband goes and listens to them!!
Pray the situation works out well for all involved.
