My Son Gives Up...how Do I Help?

Hi N.,

My daughter was exactly like that at that age (she is now 9). She started around 3 or 4!!!!! In her case it's TOTALLY because she is a perfectionist and I'd LOVE to tell you I don't have any idea where she gets that from :-)

What worked for us (and may not work for everyone) is I started giving her "practice goals". At first they were just ridiculous - so for the sign language I'd say "this is really hard and I would say you should have 15 practice tries before you give up". Sometimes after I would see if it was difficult for her on the first try or if it was something I knew she might struggle with I would say "I don't expect you to get this anywhere close for 10 tries" or whatever. It worked wonders almost immediately because it gave her #1 the OK to fail and #2 the motivation to try again to get it right. For her, it also meant she wouldn't "disappoint me" and it totally took the pressure off.

After a while (and by "a while" I mean a year or so) of me giving her the "practice goals" she just sort of got the hang of it and naturally does it. if I asked her pick up her toys or whatever task, she would go do it and then she would come and get me to have a "preliminary look".
Also around 5 or 6 we transitioned to where I would ask her how many times she thought she would need to "practice" after we set task or whatever. Sometimes she still needs help managing it, but for the most part it has been a WONDERFUL fix.

Let me also say that this gave her a PERFECT set up when she started writing at school to learn how to write rough drafts, happens about 2nd grade or so and most kids struggle with at first because they don't want to revise their work when they are young. But when she wanted to practice writing I would give her 3 sheets of paper and say "I don't expect any of these to be what you finally turn in - when you have practiced on these 3, then come and get the "good" paper for your final draft". Her teacher actually said to me she is one of the best at 'brainstorming' and 'rough draft revision' because she tells the other kids "that's where you get to make all your mistakes so you get it right in the end".

PS - I also did this when she started to do 'activities' because she wanted to quit right away if she wasn't as good as the other kids. So, same thing - you need to do this session of gymnastics (10 lessons or whatever the term is for the activity) as "practice".

GOOD LUCK!

Maybe he's a perfectionist? My son often doesn't like to try something that he doesn't think he can do. He doesn't like to fail.

We try to do things together and we also talk about when WE fail and that it's no big deal. I also try to feed his mind with comments like "you worked and worked and you figured it out", "you kept at it until you got it", "you thought about it and now you have an idea' or "you kept trying and now you have it!". I think parents comments become a person's self-talk and I would like these things to fill his head.

If you do think your child is a perfectionist, there probably are some great books & searching places like amazon can put you on the right track. I'm not sure if this is a good fit for you, but "Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and Happiness" by Tamar E. Chansky is a great book.

I think this is pretty common for his age. My four year old does this a lot to. She also says she can't do something when I know she can. (Does it other times on her own free will) I think with my daughter she just gets in these moods, if I am in a hurry I admit I tend to just do it for her. If not, then I keep working with her until she does them.
Overall I think your doing a great job, I also love to read books on subject areas that I think my daughter needs help in. The books really do help a lot. Also like someone said, my daughter is in preschool and that has helped too.
So I suggest keep doing what your doing. I think they just know how to play their parents and games.

Is he hearing this from someone, this behavior can be taught. If it is your hubby show him the effects on what he is saying to your son. I would gently encourage your son and have your hubby help. I think people don't realize the effects what they do good and bad do to their kids.

Having said that your son is young and hopefully this is just a phase.

You are doing a great job of encouraging him! Cudo's to you mom! Just hang in and keep working with him. Make as much as possible into a game for him! Learning is FUN. Pre-school will help a lot also! My niece/daughter was and still is very shy, but she started shining through in preschool; and is doing so much better now in Kindergarden! There are many Gov. programs that will help you get your son into at least a 3-4 hour day school. I found Head-Start to be excellent; and as I stated there are several programs offered through state, county, ; and even city, programs to get him started! Good Luck and keep up your great job as a parent to your son! May God always Guide & Bless you & your family!!!
A Blessed mom
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

With privileges come responsibility. I told my kids, "If you're not big enough to dress yourself, your not big enough to pick out your clothes........ Sometimes they tend to use excuses for what they don't feel like doing at the moment.

Our son is almost exactly the same age - 4 in June.

I've found he's gotten lazy on some things lately and doesn't want to try as hard as he did a year ago on the same thing (birthday, etc). I think part of it is a phase as they increase their awareness in their surroundings, etc. I think the other part is based on their natural personalities.

There was a question by another mom in the past few weeks about her son always being such a pessimist and how to change it - for some of us, that's just our personalities and is very hard to change.

When I was 19 I started teaching gymnastics. What I quickly learned is how hard it is to teach someone something that doesn't come naturally to them when it does to you.

I had a lot of students who had no real future in gymnastics, but my job was to make them enjoy it and get as much out of it as possible. So, we really celebrated even the smallest of accomplishments.

The other night, our son poured a full cup of water into the dog's bowl without spilling - he got a big high 5 and a "I'm really proud of how well you did that".

We all prefer to receive positive affirmation, but as parents we can tend to focus too much on behavioral correction vs. encouragement - it sounds like you're really doing a good job so far.

I'd only advise to keep doing what you're doing - keep seeking what he really does well and how he best can be encouraged to work on the things that aren't as natural.

Good luck!

Hi N.,

I hear your frustration loud and clear. Rest assured there are ways to help your son. For starters, I'm a big fan of positive feedback, so I suggest that you pay very close attention to the things your son does independently and well, and then complement him on it with a bit of fuss. Tell him how proud you are of him and his choice to try. This is important. Too often we adults put emphasis on the result instead of the effort or journey.
Teach your son about choices and the consequences of each. Abraham Lincoln said "whether you think you can or can't, you are right". This type of teaching takes time so you will have to be patient. As I said, consequences are important lessons for kids. Show him the benefits of trying something new. If he has a favorite sport team or athlete, show him how that person only succeeded after trying. Role models are good motivators.
Make sure he is not being manipulative to get extra attention when he says he cannot do something.
Lastly, share lots of examples of things you thought you couldn't do but then you could. Examlples help kids to process ideas.
Since I'm an advoacate of emotional intellligence skills in kids, I'd ask you to help him articulate what he is feeling inside when he says "no". Fear can stifle so many people but when the fear is addressed with reality or a plan of action, results can take place.

I really cant help you here I would say talk to his pedi and see what they say!

But I wanted to tell you y'all are in my prayers!
Take Care and God Bless!!

I believe you need to ask your husband to help out with this problem. This sounds like your son is hearing and watching your husband giving up too many times. Have a talk with your husband to watch what he says and how he acts around his son. Maybe your husband needs some help of seeing a counselor to help deal with his problem and it should help your son at the same time.

My son was like this around 6 or 7 and he still does it sometimes. It can be so frustrating. When he did this when younger, I tried just using positive feedback and sometimes forcing him to continue--like homework or chores. Even though positive feedback is great, it did not work more than half the time. I started pretending that I could not do something. Sometimes I would pretend to get really upset that I could not do it. Things like getting the key into the lock or opening a window (unlocked) or even one time I pretended I could not open the door. He was more than happy to show that he could do something I could not. It eventually lessened but did take a little time. If your husband gives up on things because they get hard, your son will pick up on that and figure that it is okay so you may want to give him little projects to do that range in time and difficulty so he can see that there are rewards.

I'm in agreement with several of the other moms - that your son may be picking up this behavior from your hubby!
So many of the moms have given such good advice, especially the mom who suggested the "practice runs"! My only suggestion is a great Veggie-Tales DVD called "Dave and the Giant Pickle". It teaches that little guys can do big things. This DVD (and many of the other Veggie-Tales DVDs) have done great wonders for quite a few young children that I know. It might be worth the small price to try it.
K.

If your son is the oldest or an only child this is common. They are comparing themselves to adults. Once they see how their peers do things, they realize they can do more things. Right now you are setting his example and it's easy for you and difficult for him.

My 8-year old gives up easy as well. If she can't do it in one or two tries she doesn't want to do it anymore. The other clincher is she won't listen to the directions and thinks she can do it by herself and then when she can't she gets mad. So we're always walking a fine line.

I've found that I have several approaches and they all work depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I'm the cheerleader for her and I just keep encouraging. Sometimes I'm the Coach and when she's pouting and refusing to try I tell her firmly to knock it off and we "don't give up" so "get out there and do it." And she does.

No matter what approach, the cheerleader or the firm coach, she gets all happy when she can do it and then we celebrate with lots of high fives, hugs and smiles.

I figure the worst thing I can do is let her give up, because then she'll NEVER do whatever it is. Someday she'll realize that not giving up is the way to go. Until then I'm going to help her have lots of wins by not letting her surrender to herself.