Hi everyone,
My MIL she has always felt, in all matters, that her opinion is the correct one; she will never apologize if she's wrong; if she is doubtful about anything she won't say it, instead she will just go with what she thinks and act like she knows it all. That's the background. She thinks her ways of raising a child is excellent so she usually comments that I am overreacting, or too this or that, or that she has a lot of experience being a mother.
My 7-year old son doesn't like when she watches him at night. About once a week I have an evening music performance class. Not for credit but I enjoy it. I am gone 1 1/2 to 2 hours. The time is late enough that I can put him to bed, which he strongly requested, because he doesn't like her style, the way she reads the story, the way she says go to bed. This is all from him. My opinions of her NEVER make their way into his ears.
Anyway last week he called her like 5 times after I left, because of a scary story he read at school and he couldn't stop thinking about it. He had never mentioned it to me cause he didn't think it would keep him awake. By the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time, he told me, she got impatient and said "go to sleep!" in a tone that wasn't nice or loving, the way he imitated it. He is highly articulate and told me she isn't patient with him when he can't go to sleep, and she isn't a good babysitter for nighttime. He said that she said I was going to be angry if I found out he was awake. Why would she say that? He said he would rather have a more patient person (even our good neighbor). He is begging for me not to go to this class if she has to watch him.
I'm wondering what others would do. Try one more time and if my son isn't happy, find another sitter? Or keep doing it with MIL and he stays miserable. Another thing... father passed away one year ago.... my son is understandably attached to me. But he is ok with certain other babysitters, just not MIL.
Thanks SO much for your opinions! I ended up talking to both of them separately. First my son, that he should not be calling her so many times, that of course someone might become a little impatient after maybe the 3rd time, to please help mommy and go to sleep because it will feel that I return home so much faster if he is asleep. Then, I talked to MIL, that if she can be more comforting to him, and gave her some ideas... and to not say I will be angry. I told her if she can't abide by the things I need then I just won't need the babysitting any longer and will cancel the class.
She babysat yesterday and it went very smoothly. Yay! I so appreciate all of your responses.
then, get another sitter. Not everyone can handle my son and if my son said something like that to me then they are out. No biggie, no drama, just find someone else.
At what point do you tell your son that this is his grandmother and he just needs to respect her and go to sleep? Honestly, by the fifth time, it really is time to go to bed, and maybe he wasn't listening to her if she wasn't firm in her tone. If he is suggesting that he would rather have someone else, and you go with that, you are potentially alienating yourself from a great resource and relationship with your mother in law, and sending the message that your 7 year old calls the shots. I'm sorry for your and your son's great loss. There is a fine line between being sensitive to a child's feelings, and training him that whatever he's feeling should be what controls the people around him. I'd sit your son down and help him understand that grandmother has her own style, even if its not like yours, and that we need to respect her. Its good you can get out for some time on your own. Hope it works out.
He's got to learn that not all family members are your favorites. She's not abusing him but she's not a sweet, sugary grandmother either (she might have just been having a bad day that night she was impatient with him, give her a break). When she puts him to bed she obviously means business, and that's just the way it is at Grandma's house. She is probably treating him the same way she did her son... Sorry about your loss of him.
How do you feel about it?
When you are there visiting do you notice anything bad about the way she treats your son?
Is she babysitting because SHE wants to or is she babysitting because she thinks she has to? I think there is more going on here than meets the eye.
Because confrontation was almost impossible for me when I was a young mom, if I had had a relative with whom my child was so uncomfortable, I would promptly get another sitter and not tell the relative why. Now that I have more experience, I might talk to the relative first if I knew she wanted to be with my son, and explain that my child is extremely uncomfortable with _______ dynamic, and ask her if she'd be willing to change her approach.
However, if your MIL is irritated at your son, it doesn't sound like her heart would break if she wasn't your babysitter of choice, so I'd still be inclined to find another sitter. Knowing my child was being tenderly cared for would be worth the extra bucks to me.
I don't know what the whole situation is with your MIL, but I'll bet she's quite aware you don't hold her opinions in high esteem. Just a question: do you think there's any possibility that she's a bit put out at you for being annoyed with her BUT are willing to use her for free babysitting, and might perhaps be passively-aggressively taking this out on your son? Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.
It sounds like your relationship with her could be improved, and there's a wonderful communication technique to help achieve that, if you're interested. My husband and I have both learned it, and found it to be extremely productive in challenging relationships. For descriptions of the process, and sources of books and other resources, google Non-Violent Communication. Good, transformative stuff!
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I would try someone new if you have someone available, no reason for him to be unduly unhappy.
I had wonderful grandmothers, but when it came down to business, they didn't mess around.
I'm wondering, since you have your son in bed by the time she arrives, apparently at his request, that she thinks it's your rule that he be in bed and go to sleep. That might explain why she would say you would be angry if you came home and he was still up. I'm just taking a guess here. You put him to bed and as far as she knows that's where you want him while you're gone.
The other thing is that you are only gone 90 minutes to two hours.
He doesn't like the way she reads to him, he doesn't like her style or the way she goes to bed. He would prefer someone more patient.
At 7 years old, he has a pretty good list of what he wants from a person in order to allow you to do something you want one night a week.
I mean no disrespect, but are you sure your feelings for your mother in law aren't all too clear to your very articulate son and that perhaps you aren't overcompensating because of the loss of his father? I AM sorry for your loss by the way. Like I said, I mean no offense.
It seems like you made the choice to get him to bed earlier to avoid him not liking her "style" and therefore she isn't patient with him not going to sleep since you are the one who put him to bed and she thinks she's doing what you want.
It could be a miscommunication of some kind. Maybe she thinks he's just goofing off and trying to stay up later than you want him to.
It doesn't sound to me like she's being abusive to him in any way. She is his grandmother. He can't take being in bed for two hours while she's there? It sounds like something more is going on and he hasn't said anything that should make him miserable enough to ask you not to go to your class if she has to watch him. If he wants someone to play with him while you're gone, then by all means, you need to make that clear to whoever you have watch him. He may not be having a hard time not sleeping because of grandma, he may be having a hard time going to sleep because you are gone and he would actually rather you be home. But, you're only talking a couple hours once a week.
No one will ever do things exactly the way you do it. The hugs won't be the same. The inflection in the voice during a story won't be the same.
I was lucky and came from a huge loving family, but like Grandma T said, they all weren't the sugary sweet types. They were a little more strict and a little more no nonsense, but we never doubted they loved us. If we had dared say, "Aunt Martha rushes through stories when she reads and we don't like it", our parents would say, "Well....that's Aunt Martha. But she had you out feeding the baby cows and getting eggs from the chickens all day didn't she?."
I think it's okay for kids to learn that people do things differently and not always the way they want it or expect it.
You can find someone else to watch your son and he can have even less contact with his grandmother, or, you can make your expectations more clear. NOT your son's expectations. He's 7. He isn't the boss. She needs to know if it's okay for him to be up when you get home or if he's supposed to be in bed (where you put him) and go to sleep.
Don't forget you are all grieving a loss and you need to communicate and cut each other some slack. You and your mother in law being on more solid ground will be better for your son in the long run. Try to be united in your relationship so that he can have the best of both worlds....two strong and loving women in his life.
Best wishes.
This reminds me of one of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary, when Ramona comes to realize that her babysitter, Mrs. Kemp, doesn't seem to like babysitting her very much.
If it were me, and my son made this request, I would just take it at face value and find a sitter he likes. Sometimes this would mean missing out on my night out, but I also think this is part of parenting-- kids get sick, sitters cancel, etc.
Peg also pointed out that perhaps there are dynamic issues between your MIL and yourself. It might be worth asking her what would be fun for her to do with your son, and when, and leave their time together at that. If your son's situation improves with a sitter, then you know it was likely her way of being with him; if it doesn't, perhaps there's something else going on. Either way, asking her to change her way of being with him mightn't be helpful for your relationship with her, and she might feel like he's tattling on her and become even difficult in her relationship with him.
This is one time when you can control the amount of flack you and your son might have to take, and can make a decision which would shield him from the unpleasant fallout of a confrontation. Something to consider. Good luck!
it sounds like he is a good little boy and very aware of how people treat. it sounds like he has been through a lot and deserves more than an angry grand parent at night. I would find someone else.
My husband has been deployed 12 of the last 18 months. My daughters stress over this always manifests itself with sleeping problems. I'm pretty firm with other rules, but when it comes to the night wakings and not sleeping alone, I give in. Sometimes our children need a little more love and attention and understanding when it comes to the loss or absence of a parent. Their little minds don't understand but they manifest it anyways. your little boy deserves someone watching him that understands a little better. Good luck and I am so very sorry for yours and your sons loss.
"...she said that I was going to be angry if I found out he was awake. Why would she say that?"
Because it's probably true in MOST cases. If my 7 year old called me 5 times AFTER I had put him to bed due to a scary story that I had already talked to him 4 times about, I would be mad! And grandma knows it!
After 5 phone calls, I don't think that "Go to sleep!" in an aggrivated or impatient tone is a far stretch!
It sounds like she is just taking control of the situation and your 7 year old just doesn't like it.
She's not hurting him by making him go to bed, let her do what you need her to do, watch your son and handle the situations. Let him learn that he needs to deal with it (bedtime).
Your son sounds wonderfully articulate and intelligent.
Congratulations.
I don't think you should inflict this particular grandma on him any more.
Your question of "Why would she say that?" you answered yourself
in your first paragraph. Her statement was not about you but about herself.
Since you're gone only a couple of hours,
I wonder if there's a high school or college student in your neighborhood that you would trust to stay with your son for this period.
You mentioned a neighbor. Sounds like a plan to me.
Visits w/MIL only with you there as his protector/guardian.
I understand how your son fells... i was done like that when i was a small child (Im only 22) and it will eventualy make him scared of her and think she is like that all the time. Do u have a close friend that could watch him while your gone? If so i would suggest getting someone else before this shatters their relationship before its too late sweetie.
Good luck and may GOD bless
Maybe give him Melatonin its a natural sleep helper sold near vitamins. Also you can't make someone feel comfortable with someone.
However I have 3 kids and when they keep calling me or start giggling after I put them to bed I also become inpatient. I want them in bed QUIET. Your mother in law did put your son to bed. Maybe next time she could sit with him if she would listen to you. If not someone else to sit that both you and your son are comfortable with.
Hi Carly,
Let your Mother in Law babysit him. It gives you a break and will show your son just a wonderful mother he has!
Get a different sitter or lay the law down on the MIL as to how you want her to treat your son.
Keep in mind, she lost her son so she will probably want to treat your son as a surrogate. This might explain her behavior. Tell her to knock it off or she will be replaced.
Nanc
C.,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you must be going through and your poor son, my heart goes out to him, I know what it was like for me to loose my father and I was 12 at the time. For me it took a few years before I finally accepted he had not just gone away for a while so again I can't imagine what he is going through at 7 years old.
I'm going to go with my gut, something else happened with your MIL that is upsetting to your son. If I were you I would tell her you are going to use someone else and that you feel it would be best if you took a break from her. Also remember he is your son not hers and that you make the rules not her. No matter what you are his mother to make good or bad choices about your son just like she did with hers and I would tell her that too. Remember to stand strong with her. One other thought, what about your family or friends, can you turn to them? If so that would help you if for nothing else moral support.
Hugs,
T.
Would you tolerate this from a babysitter? Minimize your contact with her being alone with him if you feel it is not right. Remember it is up to you to protect him. When my son was 2 my MIL tried to take his blankie away and would not listen to reason. Then I realized I could not let her babysit unless I was desperate.
