Funeral Services - When Is Too Young?

I think it would be ok to take her w/you to the funeral. I remember going to funerals when I was a little girl around the same age. My parents talked w/me & explained to me before about it. I was ok & I went up to the casket to say good bye. I think leave it up to her to go up to the casket or not. But I don't think she is too young to go to a funeral. She is old enough to understand now.

My son is 6 yrs old & if someone was to pass away that he knew, I would take him to their funeral. He is already well aware of people die & their spirits go up to heaven. We always talk about it because I have an older brother who died when I was in 4th grade. So he is always asking about his "Uncle Rene."

I pray the best for you & family.

My dear uncle passed away this past August. Our children were four and three at the time. I took my kids and all of my cousins brought their children as well. It was a celebration of his life, how he lived, the impact he made. It was a bittersweet time. My children did not know my uncle very well, but they now talk about him all the time. They learned sooooo much about him at the funeral.

I say, take your daughter. Talk to her about dying. It is a part of life. Whatever your beliefs are, share those with her. Let her know that people will be crying and sad, but that they are only sad that they can't see her again, but that she lived a long, happy life and now she is heaven(as long as that is what you believe) My kids saved the bulletin and everything from the service. My son wrote my uncle's name all over it and when our cat recently passed they talked about how our cat was now with my uncle.

This is just my opinion. My kids have not shown any signs of being afraid of death or dying or asking if they will die soon. Keep the lines of communication open and I think you should be fine. I, however, am not big on the open casket thing, so as everyone is filing through to see her, just simply take your daughter for a "walk" outside while the others say their good-byes. If you want to see your MIL, then you and your husband can take turns. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you have a safe trip! Blessings!

Hi, J. -
My condolences on the loss of your mother in law. I think a six year old is old enough to have a conversation with, and perhaps let her decide. At six, she was old enough to know her grandmother, and may want to be with everyone to say goodbye. Explain to her what will be happening, that everyone will be feeling very sad because they loved Grandma so much and will miss her. My experience with open caskets has always been that they are placed in such a way that you have a choice as to whether you approach or not. Perhaps you could avoid that, plus if you do a graveside service, I would certainly steer clear of allowing her to see a casket being lowered into the ground. What a difficult decision to have to make. Take care.

I would take your 6 year old, it's good for them to be there and see where 'Grandma' is going and it will give her a chance to ask questions...I am an open mom and try to talk to my kids about things, rather than hide them. I took my 4 yr. old son to a good friend's baby's funeral becuase I wanted him to know....

But do what you feel is right. I remember a funeral I went to when I was her age for a family member, I dont think it was traumatic at all...

J.,
My sympathy to you and your family. This is a difficult time for children. Loss of a grandparent is hard.
I would strongly recommend taking you step daughter with you to her grandmother's funeral. The family connections and the opportunity to hear of memories and love for her grandmother are an improtant part of growing up.
My son was six when his father died. I was told he was too yong to understand and should be left with a baby sitter. I listened to my son and to my mother's heart and took him to a private family viewing. He also stayed by my side during the service and at the gravesite. By including him, we were able to bond in our grief and I could help him understand.
As confirmation of my choice, some months after myt husbands death, my sister-in-law told me that whe wished they had followed my example and taken their children. She confided that they were having a very difficult time understanding what had happened to a loved uncle.
There are also excellent children's books to help your step daughter with the grieving process.
Grief is not a one day process. it will take months, so be patient with her, your husband, and yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother-in-law passed away when my daughter was 6 years old also and we allowed her to attend the funeral here in town but did not take her with us to the bural which was out of town. The year following was a very difficult year with her and we assumed it was because of Grandma but ended up in counceling with her and found that she was unable to put closure to the event because she was unsure where grandma had ended up. We took her to the bural site and was able to show her where Grandma was and she completely turned around. So my opinion is to take her so that she can say goodbye and put closure to the relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I would take her. First of all, you don't have to take her up to the casket even if it is an open casket. My sister didn't want to have that be her last memory of my grandma, so she simply didn't go up to the casket at the viewing. I took my 3-year-old to my grandma's funeral and my dad took him up to the casket to see her (I don't think I would have done that, but he did it before I realized) and it fortunately didn't seem to faze him at all. But it may have a greater impact on a 6-year-old. I checked out a children's library book about death and read it and discussed it with my son, and you may want to do that with your daughter to prepare her. I feel like it is important to be upfront and honestly answer difficult questions about death and sex with our children, but of course keep it simplified to their level. The book I read had wonderful advice for the parents, like don't say grandma is going to sleep for a long time or is going away for awhile because that may confuse children or make them scared to go to sleep, etc.

I went to my grandmothers funeral and waqe at age 17, and to me seeing her with all that makeup and her face had no plump to it, i took one look and said that isnt my grandma. I prefer to remember her the way she was. That being said, i think at the age of 6 that is too young to bring her, only because I'm afraid she wont understand why people WANT to look at her after she is gone, its really sad. Depending on how much she loves this grandma or how close they were, it might really make her sad to see her like that. It is hard for children to understand passing when it actually happens to them. I think if it is a closed casket then you could take her because it might give her closure and she could see how much all the people there loved her, so it might make it a little easier to accept. Plus if she will have a headstone you could tell her she can visit grandma and bring her flowers. But for the open casket, i would refrain from taking her.

J.,
I was taken to my great uncles funeral when I was 3 years old and I was raised going to funerals and taught that they had gone to heaven to be with Jeasus. When my daughter was 14 months old I took her to her grandmother's funeral and she doesn't remember it.The night we received friends one of my mother's friends watched her for me. This way she was with us and the family got to see her. But when she was 6 years old I took her to our next door neighgors funeral. My daughter was very close to Susie so it was hard on her but she doesn't have problems going to funeals. We just lost another dear friend and neighbor and she took off from work to go to the funeral and be with the family and she is 22 years old. I think it is how we explain it to our children.
B. Kessing

Hey J.,

I was six when my grandmother passed away. My mother and father took me to the funeral where there was an open casket. I distinctly remember putting a penny in my grandmother's hand and kissing her cheek and telling her good-bye. I think it was a positive experience for me, overall. I think it gave me a closure that was healthy and the opposite of scary. I know that you said if there was an open casket, you'd keep your daughter with a caregiver. But, I'd ask you to reconsider because your daughter might actually feel left out of the process. She's your daughter and you know her best, but I just wanted to relate to you the positive experience I had to give you another point of view. I hope your journey to Oregon is safe, that your husband finds comfort in the company of family and friends, and that your daughter finds closure in the way you decide best for her.

A.

I would definitely keep the family together and take her with you. Also, six year olds are naturally curious and ofttimes need closure. Grandma recently died and our six-year-old granddaughter was curious about the body. She asked if that was her, then said that she had a big nose. I picked her up so that she could see the face full on, like she remembered, and then she recognized her. Also, when touching her hand, she realized that it didn't feel like grandma anymore, so she had closure about her not being in the body anymore. That, like a glove, the person that grandma was had taken off her body and moved on to the next life. It was good. Anyway, good luck!

Hi J., my kids dads grandma passed away last march. My son was 5 at the time, my daughter 8. She was in the hospital, was in her 80's, had strokes, etc. My ex, unbeknownst to me, took the kids to see her at the hospital. Needless to say, she did not look well and that is the last picture the kids have of her. My son to this day thinks that everyone that goes to the hospital dies. In fact, he said when his wife has his baby, he's going to drop her off at the front and pick her up when she's done! My daughter on the other hand knows "great" is in heaven and hasn't thought twice about it. I definately would not want the kids to be there if its an open casket, that is a memory they will never forget. Otherwise I think it's just a personal decision you have to make. My kids did not go the funeral and I don't think they missed anything. Whatever you decide...good luck to you and I'm sorry for your loss!

you are right about the family (extended too) being all together. She should not go to the actual funeral (babysitter or someone even just sitting in the car with her to the service) but it is good for her to be on this trip, without her even knowing what is relly going on. What you come away with from these type of events is the togetherness, meeting new/old relatives, and memories of the weekend. It takes time to really understand what will be happening and the meanings behind it. in years to come, even if it is not completely explained to her she will remember grandma's furneral weekend by the people and the food...and make her own memories, not just the ones you tell her about.
The funural service itself is not the important part of this memory to a 6 year old, it just confuses a child to see the ultra high emotions of the grownups. Copies of the speeches can be given to her when she is older.