How to Get MIL to Stop Making Comments Gracefully?

MyMIL use to make a lot of comment to me about my baby boy ... I use to get so upset that I would just want to explode.... My husband was very supportive of me and we both realized he has a much longer relationship with her... no matter what he says she will still love him. He ended up having a discussion with his mom that was very upfront that set up boundaries with her and letting her know what was okay and wasn't and she was a little caught off guard and offended at first but she did realize they were are children and has gotten on board. It's been about a year and we have a completely different relationship now. I hope all goes well I know it's a hard place to be!

Hi C.,

I would do whatever you have to do to get a non related baby sitter for the three hours a day--given the economy and the unique hours (ie, many people could do those hours on top of a regular daily job), you may have very good luck finding one reasonably. Your mother in law has proven herself to be ignorant of normal development and unprovokedly hurtful and spiteful with her comments about you to strangers. You have to give serious thought, if she's saying things about your daughter to you and things about you to strangers, what she's saying to your daughter. A 15 month absorbs soooo much, and to have her get the message that her looks and weight are flawed and that her mother is flawed is absolutely not ok. The fact that she doesn't let the child sleep is not ok--have you considered that she does it because she knows that means the child will nap as soon as you get home and you'll have less time with her? She seems just spiteful enough to do that. I think you also need to address with your husband that its not just about ignoring her--she's doing real harm to your child on a number of levels.
If you really can't afford a sitter (and, again, I would give up whatever was necessary at this point to afford it), I would schedule a consultation with your pediatrician and have her explain to your MIL about the harm she's doing to your child and what she can do better.
Good luck with it all.

Dear C.,
As with all the responses thus far, my heart goes out to you. I have a grandmother who did that to my mother but she was such a Bree Hodge (Desp. Houswives) that there were no grounds to argue- and she was so passive aggressive about it. My father never stuck up for my mother. What it boiled down to was some mom's never let thier sons go- and are angry because there is another woman in his life taking what they see as their territory. Women like this do NOT hear the wife, they do not hear hints and they are certainly NOT going to change until their lovely sons tell them "treat my wife my way or else" (which also applies to all the other areas)
I do not know if you are Christains or Jewish, but if you are bible or Torah based - even Muslim which recognizes the Torah or Old Testament as well, then my advice may help- otherwise, you can try to tweak it and make it work for you.
A husband is called to protect his wife- and he is called to leave his mother and father to become one with his wife. That means ONE with this wife- not one with his wife and mom....lol (trying to keep this a little lighter-you are handling it with great care and I appreciate that). A very wise friend said that in essence he is to "cover" you. Think about that image as a woman, no matter how woman's lib we are- we want to know our mate will cover us in our moments of weakness or insecurity. I like to imagine the old movies where a man takes his coat to hold over a woman's head to get through the rain- or pops up an umbrella for her to share with him. This is a desire of all human kind- to know our mate has our back. Right now- he is NOT covering you. If you used traditional vows- he promised to cherish you as well and it does not sound as though you feel cherished. You sound as though you are an island in this. I am not saying all marriages are meant to be like mine- and I know new babies can make the connection a little frazzled- but maybe now is the time to work on the hubby and wife connection. Show him you are vulnerable and need him. You did not make the baby alone, you chose this man and his mom comes with, but he chose you OVER her when he married you. BTW- this is not even close to going against honoring a father and mother- it is exactly in line with it. My point is that he is becoming a part of the problem by not being part of the solution.
I agree with the fact that your precious daughter is at very high risk right now. Even at this age, she is picking up on the emotional roller coaster you 3 adults are riding. She is picking up on all the subtle emotions you all do not even realize you are conveying. I understand that money can be an issue- many people rely on family to make ends meet once they have baby come along when it comes to work and childcare. Only you know what can and cannot be changed- but I would encourage you to look at your options very closely- even the toughest ones (like quitting and learning to scale back or taking a different job that has hours to work with hubbies but may pay less) and read up on the articles out there with all the great suggestions people are coming up with for childcare options with our current economy (I LOVE the babysitting Co-op idea!!!) Do not shoot down an idea- instead find ways to tweak it- work every one possible. My personal experience in watching other moms go through similar is it is a lot less expensive than you think to quit and go one income, one car, etc than you may think once you realllly calculate all the expenses that come with working (childcare, gas, insurance and upkeep on car 2, work wardrobe, easy meals, etc).
Your attitude is a good one- in that you are not standing there yelling and screaming at her- and you seeking advice is wise. Now take all the advice with a grain of salt, take the parts of each that you need and fix this- I know you can. Good luck C..
The other risk that someone else mentioned was my very first thought- please your daughter is at very high risk for an eating disorder if she begins to understand what Gma is saying about her. Those early comments make a HUGE difference later. Take it from an eating disorder survivor.

This sounds like the last person on earth that should be in your life, MIL or not.

Oh C., Had you not wrote the word 'gracefully' i would have been able to give you advice :)
I feel for you, and had the same thing from my MIL, and same comments from husband. Though her comments were mainly "your kids don't need that...,' or "your kids are so spoiled,' it went on and on. and she said those things as sweet as she could, so if i went off the wall i'd be the crazy one. I had tried getting my husband to say something but he kept blaming her age. I finally had enough. I sent her an email and told her my kids needed a grandma and if she harbored ill feeling towards my kids, I was going to stop having anything to do with her. Her comments were 'i will never change.' that was a few months ago. I have not initiated any contact with her, and while i get email forwards from her, we have nothing to do with each other. I gotta tell you my hubby played it dumb when he finally realized we were not talking to each other. He felt bad he had not said anything and had put me in position to break off any contact. He may feel bad, but i surely don't. Life has been much better without her snippy comments.
so, my advice to you, not a graceful one I admit, is tell her to back off.
good luck

If there is any way you can just get a qualified babysitter and have her take care of your child instead, I would do that. This woman sounds like she is not going to change anytime soon, and her criticism of your beautiful and healthy baby concerns me. Since she is doing a favor by helping out she is going to feel that she can put her own two cents in and do things her way. A paid sitter would follow your instructions, would be properly trained, and not have all the family baggage attached. Good luck.

Either ignore your MIL, find a new babysitter or shorten your hours so you dont need a baby sitter.

C.
I think you need to find someone else to watch your daughter! MY Mom had a wopper of a MIL and she went through absolute hell with her! My Dad didn't get involved either and would tell her to ignore her also.
I would get on your husband big time and tell him he has "x" amount of time to talk to his mother and straighten her out or else you will, and he is not going to like what you say to her!! Your husband is avoiding the situation and thinks it will all go away if you just ignore her.

I wouldn't have anyone watching my child that makes comments about the child's appearance. At 15 months, she does understand a lot that is told to her. I have a 16 month old, so I know exactly what your daughter can understand at this time. You have no idea what she is saying to your daughter when you are not there and if she is to watch her longterm, you may then have a child that will have issues with her appearance very early in life.

Why not have her go with you to the pediatrician next time and have the Dr tell her that your baby is perfect!
Your MIL is just a "B" and she is looking to knock you down in any way that she can, Sounds like your husband is a Momma's boy and Mamma is mad that you took her son away from her. So what better way for her to soothe her own soul than to knock you down every chance that she gets? And the absolute best way to eat at you is to knock your child down!
THIS IS HER GRANDCHILD FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!! ANY GRANDPARENT THAT TALKS BADLY ABOUT THE MOST PRECIOUS BEING IN THEIR LIVES (THE CHILD OF THEIR CHILD) IS EVIL AND NEEDS TO BE MADE TO STAY AWAY!!!)
TACTFUL???? YOU ARE TOO NICE.
LET HER HAVE IT, OR YOU WILL LIVE A LIFE OF HELL LIKE MY MOM DID!!!
Good luck to you!!
P.

i would take my camera and take pictures of her house and print them. then hand them to her when your son is not around. when she asks what they are for, tell her that you intend to carry a set with you and a set of your home, and the next time someone tells you of her loving comments of your housekeeping skills, you intend to share with them what a wonderful house keeper she is and how sppreiciative of her compliments you are.

Then I would tell her that since it is obviously very stressful for her to care for a small child, you want to make her job easier and you will either do all the care for your child or find someone to come in when you need them. You realize that it is difficult to dress a moving object.
Be so sweet when you are telling her, full of compassion and tenderness. after all in her senior years life is supposted to be much easier on her. of course you could invest in cloth diapers and tell her you can't afford the disposables anymore. this way she will not be able to put them on backwards. LOL. then save the disposables for your personal use when she is not around. lol.

as for her schedual, unless you find someone to come in between when your husband leaves and you get home, you are kinda stuck. is she the one doing all the care for your little one while you are away? you might have to find a sitter to replace her. you might find more peace. i know financially it can make a difference, but how much is your peace of mind worth. maybe there is a local teenager that you know that loves your daughter that would be willing to sit for you for a reasonable fee.

You are looking for praise that you are doing a great job.
You are looking for praise for your daughter that she is wonderful just the way she is.
Did it ever occur to you that your MIL is looking for praise for helping you with your child?

Whoever is telling you she goes 'down to the post office' and tells people she has to teach you how to clean...is just gossiping. Tell them "You know my MIL!"

You are getting your MIL up at 6am she probably figures as long as she is up the baby can be up with her and she can take care of her. A lot of babies wake up at that time anyway and then nap at 10 am.

I really do think it has more to do with you than what you are actually saying. If you can't change you schedule...and can't find another person willing to be up at 6am watching YOUR child...then try to figure out a better way to deal with this...you are 36 for crying out loud! Not a teenager. Communication is the key. Maybe your daughter does have
'chubby legs' Both my kids did! It's called genetics! I loved them.

All I'll say is this time passes too quickly...make the best of it...that doesn't mean just take it! Work it out so you can have a better relationship. You'll be amazed at what a little love and praise will do.

I don't think you should have to tolerate anyone speaking to you or about you with such disrespect. If she is not gracious why should you be. I would tell your husband you are giving him one more opportunity to straighten out his mom and if he doesn't then you will. I think the comments about your housekeeping to others really got to me the most that is crossing the line. Sometimes moms and mother in laws assume their way was the best way and as long as it is not harmful and said tastefully then no harm no foul but she sounds just cruel. If your husband does not step up to the plate then you just say to her that if she doesn't like the way you do things in your home then she is free to go. And I would just tell my husband to visit his mom at her house. She needs to be stopped. Once you give someone that much freedom to say what they want and hurt someones feelings they will just keep going until someone stops them. Just tell hubby its easy for him to ignore because I am sure he is numb to it. After all he did live with this women but if the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel? Put you foot down you deserve to be respected in your own home. Good luck!!

Pay for a babysitter.

Hi,

This is perhaps another point of view, but from the way you describe your MIL, it makes me curious how old she is. Is she suffering from the beginning signs of dementia? In those cases, people sometimes have their personalities change to be more bitter - perhaps because they recognize (though won't admit to anyone else) that they can't do the things they used to (like putting on diapers right and keeping their home clean.)

This doesn't excuse her behavior, but maybe it helps explain it.

Good luck,
M.

C., I am sorry that you have a MIL like that. I have read some things people have said here, but here are couple of my ideas: 1)You can say when it comes down to diapers, "oh, I have to change it around, THERE'S a mistake, without saying "you" so you're NOT pointing a finger at her; oh, no, please don't say she's fat, she at a good weight and if she argues or says she knows it all, you can say nicely, "no, that is my child and I know exactly what she is or not and I know what she needs and don't need. Thank you anyways." Then you can pick up your child and go elsewhere in the house. Make sure that your daugher isn't sensing anger or frustration because she then will act it out.
2) Don't have her watch her anymore and if she questions you why she can't watch her, be totally honest. Honesty IS the BEST policy. "You keep saying she's fat and you're insulting her and it bothers me and I know my child and what she needs and negatively is not what she needs." Leave it as that.
You may want to talk with your husband but if your husband doesn't support you on that then you need to lovingly say that she is hurting you and HIS and your child. You can say can you talk to her or do I need to?
I pray that God will give you WISDOM what to do because that child is a very important person and a beautiful and wonderful Gift from God and you don't want your MIL ruin her. That little child knows more than we think they do.

is there anyway to get child care or a sitter? i would not tolerate that behaviour she is better off not being around the baby unless you are visiting as a family..

I am not tactful when it comes to someone messing with my kids or making me feel small.

Get a different sitter and tell her straight out how you feel. If you ignore her and sugarcoat your feelings, she's going to continue. The fact that your husband is not sticking up for you tells me she has always been like this and he's tired of fighting her.

Grow some Kahunas and take your life and house back.

Nanc

You may not be able to make her stop except for one way. Hire a sitter for the few hours you need, it shouldn't be too expensive. Then tell her you won't "need to bother her" anymore. Do this for your own self-esteen and that of your daughter. This is the only way I can see to make her stop unless your husband is willing to stand up to his mother. I with you the best of luck. (My husband DID stand up to his mother and it worked like a charm, but not all men are willing or able to do so).

Unfortunately hints don't seem like they will be effective with your MIL. First it seems she thinks she is the elder and has authority and so long as your husband reinforces her behavior by ignoring her overstepping she will likely continue her behavior. You need your husband to lay it out with his mother that you are the mother now and make the schedule and she needs to adhere to it no matter what her opinion is. Your husband has to empower you and take your side in this which I am sure he does not want to have to do. It unlikely she will change unless she is forced to see that she is a helper to you and you run the show, not her. She may have raised children but this is your child, period. A child's schedule is too important for them at this age and sleep is so important. As for the negative comments, I would tell her that your daughter hears these comments and as she starts to understand them it will impact her self image. She needs to mind what she says.

I don't know if it is an option to get alternative help but this is MIL so it is not as if the issue would go away entirely if you got different daycare. It seems this needs to be nipped in the bud now for the sake of all relationships involved.

Hope this helps. This issue is a lot easier to give advice than it probably will be to resolve but ultimately she feels it is ok to undermine you and that is not ok. Something needs to be done about it.

Dear C.,
I agree with the other women who say get another sitter if you can afford it. However, what struck me most about your post was your MIL's comments on your daughter's weight: Does she not realize that many adolescent girls have eating disorders because someone gave them a hang-up about their weight early on in life?
Finally, it's best when dealing with difficult people (like your MIL) to realize that their behavior is usually coming from a place of pain. Just think of how many people your MIL has alienated over the years, how she's damaged her relationships, and how she probably isn't very content with herself, and maybe your anger at her will change to compassion!
Good luck!

Hi C.,
I don't think you'll be able to get your MIL to change. It sounds like she feels that she must be in control, or that maybe she resents having to take care of your baby. Did you ask her to do this, or did she volunteer? I can't imagine what sane person would wake a one year old up at 6:00 a.m., thinking she's been sleeping too long. It sounds like she's either mentally unstable, or is trying to usurp your authority and must insist on doing things a different way than you.
Really your choices are to accept it, or to find paid childcare or to find employment with different hours, and just not use her babysitting services anymore.

Either you hire a babysitter or just smile. Unfortunately, that is the way it is.

Some of the best advice I got about childcare is that the best childcare is the care you pay for! I know it sounds strange, but when you pay someone to care for your child they are far more likely to do things how YOU want them-

If you can afford a babysitter for the couple of hours, then do so. Right now you are somewhat indebted to her b/c she is helping you out. Take that factor out and you only have to see her when you want to!

If you can't afford child care, then have a frank conversation with your husband about how upset you are. This is HIS mother and he needs to speak with her. If he won't, then you need to tell her that while you appreciate her helping you out her comments are hurtful and untrue. Do NOT justify anything that you have chosen to do with your child or your home. Be prepared for some retaliation on her part, including no longer watching your child.

Stay calm and do not say anything offensive. Focus on how YOU feel about the comments. Keeping the focus on your feelings will give her less to argue about. Good luck.

Hard situation, but I think a lot of us go through it. When people make comments to me about how to do something or make a negative remark about one of my daugthers I just come back with a remark right then and there to shut them up. You don't have to be mean, but you just have to be direct. Don't be afraid to tell the MIL "No." When someone says my daughter looks chubby I just tell them to not use those words around either of my girls, that I want them raised with positive words. I think if you and your husband can be consistent with your MIL and telling her "no" or standing up to her comments then she will eventually stop. You might stand the risk of her not helping out anymore, but I think at the end of the day she wouldn't stop watching her grandchild because of this. Good Luck! Be Strong!

Since you both work.. what about looking for someone else to take care of the baby. I wouldn't want her taking care of my child... because sooner or later your child will hear what she says.. and that wouldn't be good. the other thing you can say is hay, if your not happy with everything.. than thank you very much... but we can find someone else. Tell her thank you taking care of the baby but you don't like how she talks about you and your baby. You prefer that she doesn't treat you like that and you don't llike the things she says about the baby. After all she is a baby.. and so what if her legs are chunky.. baby fat.. is just that... baby fat. Tell her you don't like be treating badly and you won't stand for it in your house. Make your husband stand by when you talk to her. Go find another person to watch the baby. Maybe an older person in the area.. could use a few extra dollars.. it seems like it's only a few hours... good luck.. get rid of her..

ok, 1st before I begin I have to mention I am having extream issues w/ my in-laws so if I sound harsh I am sorry.

Now let me begin by saying you are the Mom now not her and it is how you raise her that turns her to whom she will become, and this tug of war between you and MIL she is watching and thinking this is the way to treat people. I would have a conversation with your hubby that this is not fair to your little princess, and some of the comments MIL is making will cause an eating disorder in the future teen years and this is not what you want for your baby. Society is crewl enough family should love unconditionally. After talking w/ hubby, then the 2 of you as a united front have a pow wow with MIL that this is the schedule/behavior we believe she should be subject to and if she does not comply I would hire someone who will. Also take a marker and write front and back in large letters on the diapers, mark how tight the straps should be at and get the docotr to write a little award you can even print it up and have the Doctor sign it so you could hang it in her room, something like Congrats on being in the healthy weight percentile or something like that. This way she will look at as hush up.

As far as the comments you know the truth and that is all that can be said. You cannot prevent her talking in public and from what I can see she complains too much and they all prob. hear this and ignore her anyways. I know it still hurts, My MIL talks bad about me to family and now none of them invite my or my hubby or kids to family functions. I feel like whatever their loss.

This is a very hurtful possition to be in. Just remember it is not you or anything you have done, it is her. Protect your baby and what you want for her future now while you can.

Good luck and if you need to vent please do not hesitate to contact me.

Hugs to you and your hubby, you are great parents and are doing a great job, remember that!!!

You need to get that woman out of your house, not just make her stop saying the things she says. Try to find a college student or an unrelated grandma to come into your home for those 3 hours a day. It doesn't make any sense why your MIL would act the way she does, but your life with be much less stressful if she is only around on your terms. There is no changing her mindset, just get her out of your home.

Oh, C., I really feel for you. Clearly this woman has some issues and it is of course very upsetting because she is family and you need her in your life. She sounds somewhat ignorant and is really disrespectful of you and your family. I am not sure that she would agree though. She probably thinks that she is helping. You need to have a talk with her IMMEDIATELY. It may be better if your husband does it alone. I am not sure of the dynamics of the family. It either has to be your husband alone or the two of you with her. She may feel ganged up on or that you are picking on her that way though. Confront her with the facts and how you are feeling. I know if will be hard to not tell her exactly what you think of her but that will make her defensive. Keep it really non-judgemental and you might even say that the doctor told you certain things. That way its not a power struggle. Good luck!!!!!!

You are not going to like my advice, and it may not be possible for financial reasons, but you need to get someone else to look after your daughter. Your MIL sounds slightly mentally instable and is not a good influence for your child to be around. Try talking to her directly, sure, but I imagine it is not going to help. Look into daycare.

The comments that most angers me is the comments about your daughter's weight. If this goes on it could have a negative effect on body image and thus health.

If it was me I would explain that to my husband, then deal with her, even if I have make watch after school special on anorexia.

Hi C., Wow that is a problem. I know I could not ignore this. Can you change your hours? Most likely not. I think I would tell her I do not appreciate her comments. If your husband thinks you should not say anything tell him to speak to her or you will find someone else to cover the time. Why would she wake the baby up? Would she have liked this done to her child? Something is amiss here and needs to be addressed. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi C.,

Its sounds to me that your problem will not go away if you dont make some drastic changes in your life. Someone like her will never change. She sounds resentful and angry. Maybe she doesnt want to be there? Talking to her wont work, your best option i'm sorry to say is to either stay home with your daughter for a while or find someone else. Your daughter is young now so she doesnt undersand much but very soon she will be at the age where she will start being aware of everyone and everything and you dont want someone like your MIL to be an influence on her personality and behavior. I'm sure your job is important but I would hate to wake up one morning to find my child become someone I didnt intend him to be. By then it will be to late.

Good Luck.

WOW is all I really have to say!!! I thought my MIL was bad! THis is a tough one. It really sounds like your daughter should not be around her and her negative attitude/comments. Who knows how she talks to her when you are not around. It would be horrible if she was saying all those negative things directly TO her. It's bad enough she has the nerve to say them around her. I don't know how you havent exploded yet. I had some problems with my MIL when my kids were first born. She was very inappropriate about things and it got to the point where I HAD to say something. I had hoped my husband would have but...you know how that goes :)
Eventually I prepared myself for her and would tell myself I HAD to say something for my kids sake. When she would comment on things like weight or their feeding shcedule I would say things like "Well the doctor is really pleased with their weight and said they are exactly where they should be. I must be doing something right." Or "As long as the dr. says they are healthy thats all I care about." I also struggled with her following their schedule and told her flat out that if she couldnt help me keep their schedules in tact that it wouldnt work out with her watching them. FOr me (especially with twins) their schedule was very important. It is so hard and such an awkward position to be in, but your daughter is your priority, not your MIL. In my own experience once I started to speak up, so did my husband. Possibly b/c I had held it in for so long that I wasnt always nice about it! Either way he was eventually on the same page as me. Maybe you can make a joke about the comments she has been making at the post office. What if you said somehting like "Oh rumor has it you've been commenting on how i clean my house. Imagine if they saw your house./ How do you suggest I clean better? Stack things in a corner like you do??" For me sarcasm or making a joke but getting my point across is what works best with my MIL. I dont know if this will work with yours but they are just a few suggestions. I REALLY wish you lots of luck. If it doesnt work out with her and she doesnt cooperate then you should probably consider getting someone to come in for those few hours. I would really be afriad of how she was behaving with my daughter. Maybe you should show your husband some of these responses and he will see the reason for concern and speak to her himself?!?! Your daughter may event thank you!!! Good luck

I know you already got a lot of comments, but I thought I'd share my two-cents.

Most people do not know that they are doing what they are doing, or realize what they are saying. You need to open up communication with your MIL, either you or your hubby needs to be upfront with her about the rules with your child. Those can be 1) do NOT wake the baby 2) Do not call her fat or any other names. Then show her the correct way to put on the diapers, tell her don't appreciate how she speaks of you to others, and that you DO appreciate the fact that she comes to spend time with your child, and you are just making these comments/suggestions because you want to make sure you're all on the same page. Show her that you care -- give her a gift certificate somewhere, or something that shows your appreciation. MIL's are not expected to watch your child, it is a privilege.

I have my own issues with my MIL, but I know she is trying to do her best, and she usually does a damn good job. There are times where I want say something, but haven't (like when it is said that she's getting fat, or she eats too much), or tried to say them tactfully (and failed). Just keep communication open. And don't try to get defensive, that just creates a vicious circle (and hasn't worked for me yet!). Of course, I know easier said than done sometimes, just do your best. And know you only have your child's best interest at hand.

Hello,
I really feel for you. It's unfortunate that you have to experience such negative behaviors from your MIL. Childcare is extremely expensive and I understand what you may be going through, especially if you and your husband do not have to pay your MIL, but the only thing that I recommend is that you: 1) tell her how you feel, but let your husband know beforehand, or 2) find another childcare provider. I see you and your husband's work hours overlap, but something needs to be done. You shouldn't have to take the verbal nor should your child.

J.

Your MIL doesn't respect you; did she have issues with you before the baby? Your husband is wrong; you can't ignore her comments and it's time for him to man up and intervene. His mother may or may not listen to him, but she'll be a lot less defensive if it comes from him. Regardless of who speaks to her, her comments have got to be stopped now. If she has no qualms about airing out your alleged dirty laundry in public at the post office, what's to stop her from turning your daughter against you as she grows old enough to understand? How will your daughter feel when she hears her grandmother say she's fat?

Can you find/afford an alternate childcare arrangement? Your MIL won't be happy, but having shown no regard for your feelings you're entitled to not worry about showing no regard for hers. Your daughter's well-being is most important, and if she's clearly not doing well under your MIL's care then it's time to make some changes.

Wow, reading your entry made me think of my situation!! I recently had to work a full day (I have been home so far) so my mother and my mother in law split the day taking care of my 4 month old son. My mother took the morning (7:30a-1P) and my m-i-l took the afternoon (1p-4:30p). When I got home, there were a bunch of things that I noticed that I would have done differently, but didn't notice them until the MIL had left. So, I sent an email to both of them, listing the few things that I would like done differently so that it wouldn't leave me with more work upon my return home. I didn't itemize the list into who did what - it was just a list. WELL, this was fine for my mother, she understood everything. My MIL on the other hand, flew off the handle and was completely offended and pissed off that I would be so selfish to have sent an email like that. She basically sent me back an email saying that I made a big mistake sending that email after all she has done for us and that if I ever need help watching my son I'm "on my own!!!"

So, the moral of the story is, depending upon your relationship with your MIL (before this incident mine was VERY good), I would take it one item at a time. If you don't want to come out and say that she is screwing up the sleep schedule, mention how tired you are from having to wake up with her at night. Try to sneak into the conversation that you'd like your MIL to try putting her down for naps earlier - SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP! If she naps more during the day, she is more likely to sleep better at night. And if she is put down for the night earlier, she will stay asleep later in the morning. I always try to approach any explanation of change with a book I read or what the pediatrician said. Sometimes, that helps and then it doesn't sound like it is coming from you.

I hope this helps!! Good luck, and know that you're not alone!!

Hi, C..

It sounds like you have your hands full. Ignoring your MIL only makes you boil inside. I have been dealing with it for 13 years and the last three have been especially challenging now that my daughter is in the picture. I learned quite a bit from the director who ran the new moms group that I joined shortly after my daughter was born.

I believe in "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all." Remember that you are you daughter's parent and your MIL has already raised her children. Don't feel funny about reminding your MIL that your the parent now. You can tell her that she needs to respect your wishes, the schedule that you have set for the baby, and the rules within your family unit.

I would not worry about what she says to others. If a person knows you, they tend to discount what others may say, especially when they realize the person saying it is your MIL.

Once you make your needs clear, you will feel better and your MIL will get over it.

Good luck.

S. D

When it comes to child care you get what you pay for. In your case the care is free and terrible. Your MIL definately has issues that have more to do with you than your daughter; she's using your daughter as a method of getting you upset and your MIL definately knows it's getting to you.

Find a nice day care person who can watch your lovely daughter while you and your hubby are gone and let his mom go back to just being grandma. I think everyone will be much happier.

I have had many problems like the below with my MIL and to be honest it has been a large part of my marriage being destroyed. I would try to talk to her yourself, if that does not work then have your husband talk to her - then if that does not work you may want to try to find another sitter so you do not have to see her everyday and you can raise your daughter the way you want to raise her.

Don't let it get so bad that you can't fix it!

Hi C.,

I am sorry you have to be in this situation. The immediate concern I would have is the one expressed by many if not all the others who responded to you already, and that is the quality of care your daughter is receiving from your mother-in-law. Have you let your mother-in-law know exactly what you want done and how? If she balks have you let her know that she is free to disagree but that you are the mother and therefore she needs to abide by what you say?

If you have tried that and it has not worked, then the suggestion others have raised sounds like one you might want to consider: see what other child care options are available. It sounds like it would only be a few hours, and most decent caregivers will abide by your wishes and not make such hurtful comments.

With regard to the comments, one thing I have learned is that we cannot "make" other people change. Have you let your mother-in-law know that you find those comments hurtful and asked her to stop? I realize your husband may be uncomfortable confronting your mother-in-law. At the same time, you have a right to decide that you will not be subjected to hurtful comments. If you do set that boundary, what are you willing to do to defend it? In other words, what will you do when she makes those comments again? Can you ask her to leave if she persists? I suspect after somewhere between one and three such occurrences she will start to get the message that if she wants to see her son and granddaughter she needs to re-think her comments---or she will have chosen to live with the consequences. If you feel that is too harsh can you think of something you can do, short of asking her to leave that helps you protect yourself from such comments?

I wish you luck!

J.

C-
You are in a rough situation. You have to be very careful how you approach MIL--she is babysitting for you so you can go to work and if you cant afford to hire someone, you are stuck with her. Also, your husband wont stand up to her, so you must do it. But you must do it in a way as to not upset her "ego". I would sit with her one day-and have a heart to heart talk, again, keeping in mind that she is HELPING you.
Ask her why she feels the baby is fat, when you were told by the doctor that she is not. Tell her kindly that these things make you feel bad and that you try to keep the house clean (not be defensive) but the baby comes first and you are tired from working all night. Most importantly, make sure you tell her you appreciate her help but in addition, you and her need to work together for the good of the baby.
Getting defensive or accusatory will only lead to animosity and make things worse. This may be hard to do, but I would give it a try....remember your goal always.
I hope this helps you put this situation in perspective.
Don't let anger or your ego get in front of you-it never works out well.
R. P (New York)

Hello C.,

I feel your pain... THERE IS NO GRACEFUL WAY TO TELL A RUDE PERSON OFF... trust me...

Is there anyway you can put your daughter in daycare? I don't know what area that you live, but there might be daycare providers that have the set-up right in their home, and most open at 6am. However I have found that there are some that open 24 hrs a day. Seek information on-line. Think about the benefits of having your beautiful daughter interact with other children and being away from that negative influence of a grandmother she has.

Yea, I think it is a waste of time talking to your spouse about his mother (that is his mother, and she can do no wrong) I went throught it, know what I'm talking about...

Think about how you would feel knowing that your child is taken care of, and you can rest (how do you rest during the day?) One more suggestion, NOT giving the MIL any respect when she talks about your home; Hire a housekeeper for One (1) days work (let her/them) do a top to bottom cleaning, and you can maintain it from there. I have done this before. They de-clutter/organize, etc...

Your biggest chore right now is finding affordable child care. If you find a private daycare in a providers home (if it is too expensive) I don't know what kind of work you do, but you can BARTER services for the fee. Example, One of my girlfriends is a Hairdresser, She provide FREE haircare to the provider in exchange for child care of her son. I wish you luck, and please keep in touch with me and let me know if I can suggest anything else for you. Start this project right away, so you can FIRE the grandmother... You know something, don't give her the satisifaction of letting her know how angry her rude-a*xx comments are, it won't change that behavior, because she does not think she has issues (proof of that is her own house is a mess!!!)

I just saw Sittercity.com (10%off) for all Mamasource members, and Miracle Maids, etc) on the perks page.

Kindest Regards, C.

I would be very hesitant to leave my precious wee one with such an unstable person. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and protect his family. You have to do what you have to do for yourself and your baby. Until someone stands up to them... bullies will be bullies. Good luck and God bless.
D. N.

Hi C., I feel for you and can definitely relate to it. Been there and after a few years I figured it out (finally accepted) the fact that there is no changing or telling MIL or FIL about her/his behavior (that is for me both MIL and FIL). Husband will not side with you nor his mom/parents because he is in between a rock and a hard place. I can only share with you what I figured out and what I did to make my life and my family (husband and child)'s life better and more enjoyable while still have MIL & FIL involved in our lives.

- lots of self control since you cannot control your MIL (&/or FIL in my case). My FIL was actually worse than my MIL. He would make me feel dumb and useless.
- ignore her comments about you to you and to others as much as possible - walk away, look away, or look at her & nod & think of something else instead. In one ear, out the other (which my kids are really good at now). She may be saying those things about you because she is jealous of you and upset with you for taking her son away from her and/or she wants to feel needed/wanted but at the expense of others (that's you). So there may be some insecurity of herself on her side.
- give yourself credit and pamper yourself for doing a great job and being a great mommy and wife = take a little ME time to do something relaxing or fun with your girlfriends to destress.
- find a babysitter (MIL or someone else you trust) and spend some quality time with your hubby and let him know you are trying your best & don't want to upset his mom, but you need some private support from him (his acknowledgement & appreciation away from MIL so he does not have to choose between his mom and you).
- compliment your MIL whenever you can authentically though so it will come out sincerely. She may just also need some more acknowledgement from others too. For example, "Wow, you look really nice today. This color goes very well for you." Or "you look different and very nice today, do you have a new hairdo?" I think you get the idea.
- When she does something for the baby, just watch subtlely on the side and then go back and fix it without her seeing you do it. Sometimes a white lie here & there and compliment her on something she did decent works too as they will pay more attention to do it even better next time.
- Put comments as questions instead or put it such that it is on you such as "Thanks for helping me with the baby. Oh, look, I did not know there is a snap here." when she missed a snap button on the shirt/jacket, etc.

Bottom line is that you can only affect the things that are in your control so how you react to the situation is all under your control.

Good luck.