My Son and I Are in a Wedding and I'll Have a Newborn Too! Help Please...

I'd have to honestly decline if it were me. My best friend is important but my baby (esp if breastfeed and bottles should be introduced for a bit anyway.) is more important.

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I'd have to honestly decline if it were me. My best friend is important but my baby (esp if breastfeed and bottles shouldn't be introduced for a bit anyway.) is more important.

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Make it as easy on yourself as you can. Hopefully, your friend is a good enough person to understand that a postpartum woman with a newborn is not going to be able to participate as fully as someone without any kids. It may be her day, but surely she doesn't intend for you to do the impossible (or the truly, truly, truly inconvenient). Unless you really want to go, skip the rehearsal dinner. Go for the big event, and have your husband and sister (or another guest who you know and trust) close by to help out when needed. A real friend will understand and will not make a big deal out of it.

Although I'm all for making brides feel super special, this does not mean driving yourself crazy or stressing out your kids. After all - a mom with a new baby deserves special treatment, too!

I was in a very similar position...I used to do wedding flowers for a living, and I still do the occasional event. One of my former professors, who is also a friend, asked me to do his wedding flowers. The date was 1 month after my due date, so I accepted. WELL, little Mr. Colton decided to arrive nearly 2 weeks late. So he was 12 DAYS OLD the day of the wedding.
My advice is to make this as easy on yourself as humanly possible. Accept any and all help from family. Plan on having baby with you, and plan on not being physically recovered from giving birth. Given those two things, be very realistic about what you can and cannot do. I would not even consider the rehearsal dinner. You may also not be up for standing during the ceremony. I would even consider bowing out as a bridesmaid (assuming that is your role), or modifying your participation. Maybe wear the dress, walk down the aisle, but have a seat placed for you up front or reserved in the front row. If it is outside, be sure you have lots of water.
You sound like me...wanting to make sure everything is perfect for the bride and groom. But just this once, you must be "selfish" enough to put you and your new baby first. If you need to be there just for the ceremony and then head home or to the hotel, then do that.
Also keep in mind that everyone will want to get their hands on your baby, and decide how you want to handle that before you get there. Maybe a front carrier or sling would help?? You could even get one to match the wedding colors :)

Boy that is a tough one. Does your friend, who is the bride, have children of her own? If she does, she might have a better understanding of what it takes to manage a breastfeed newborn, sleep schedules of both children etc. If she does not have children, she isn't going to understand the complexity of your situation or have the insight to look beyond the hoopla of her special day.

To me, it sounds like a nightmare and a recipe for disaster. Sorry to be blunt but I don't think I could swing it. I would have to put some limits on the extent of my involvement.

I don't have any particular suggestions other than to give you "permission" to set those limits.

Good luck!

I was in a similar situation. My friend had her wedding when my newborn would be about 2 months old. This was my 4th child. I was also planning to nurse. I definitely could not sleep over the night before the wedding because I obviously had to be with my newborn. My husband had to get the kids ready the day of the wedding..since I had to be at my best friend's hotel getting makeup/hair done at 6am. We lived about an hour away from the hotel. I also had to pack my nursing supplies(pump, bottles etc). Since I was her Matron of Honor..I felt like I had "obligations". The Maid of Honor, my other best friend helped out a lot with the bride and myself. We had a shuttle that took us to the church, take pictures, and back to the reception area. That was a very exhausting day. I would say..if you can go to the hotel the night before...with your sister while you attend the rehearsal dinner that would help....husband can meet you there? Whatever you have to do to make it a little easier on you and the kids. Good luck! I will never forget that day. Beautiful event...but exhausting one.

You need to do what's best for you and your children!!! They need you more than this friend ever will. Put them first, then do what you can for your friend. It's very kind of you to be willing to be in a wedding a month after giving birth. Don't feel guilty about not being able to do it all - do what you can and give yourself a lot of grace!

Unless you can have a care provider with you for the two days, so you can take part in all the activities expected of a bridesmaid, I would opt out of the wedding.

As far as a two year old ring bearer or flower girl, cute but but very unpredictable. So he NEEDS to be at the rehearsal and he needs practice. Even kids 5 or 6 are unpredictable.

From all you have going on, you will do well just being able to attend the wedding as a guest and looking after your kids.

Blessings.....

I dont want to sound like I think its simple, but I had a thought how you might be able to pull this off..You can take the kids, and go so you can attend the rehearsal. 1 1/2 hours drive isnt too bad with kids. Stop if you need to feed them, but I bet they ride well for that far. Your son will need the chance to learn his part. Sister is taking care of the baby in the hotel room or where the wedding is so you are handy to nurse as needed. Your husband should have a friend drive him there after the teaching engagement he has. Pay the friend $30 for gas. Now you, kids and dad are all there and sister can help out. The wedding will go fine, you will be happy to take part, and then you and dad take the kids and come home when its over with. Will that work? If you cant get a friend to drive dad, then he should rent a car and drive himself. It just might cost more and then it leaves you to drive home alone unless he can drop the car at the town where the wedding is. It saves you the 3 hour round trip in one day at least. Its neat to be included in the wedding and your son will be so cute in a little mini tux. Baby will be fine with Auntie, and you can all eat CAKE!

I say you sit down and talk this out with the bride. I'm assuming you're close since you're in the wedding, so if she's a friend she'll understand that this is difficult for you. Think ahead of time of what you are able to do for her for the wedding (can't attend the rehearsal, but will get hair done with the girls on the day of the wedding, will be there for the ceremony and pictures but otherwise you need to be with your family, etc - only you will know what you can commit to). Explain that you understand this is her special day and you don't want to let her down, so you want to be upfront that you're realizing you may not be available like the rest of the wedding party. Explain what you can and cannot do and then say that with these restrictions you'll understand if she'd rather you attend as just a guest. Leave it up to her, and that way if she wants you in the wedding you're both very clear on what is expected of you so that should help you to make plans. I'd say it sounds like a good idea to bring someone to watch the newborn the day of the wedding, and have her stay near you so that you can still nurse (other than during the actual ceremony) whenever the baby needs to. There are usually a lot of places that bridesmaids are asked to be, but very little for them to do once there - lots of hurry up and wait, so you should still be able to care for your kids pretty well.

I didn't read all of the other posts, but many of them sounded so negative I felt compelled to respond. First, regarding all of the bridal party activities - showers, luncheons, salon appts, etc. You do not have to attend all of this. For example, just because others are getting their hair done, doesn't mean that you need to do the same. You can do it on your own. I have been in many weddings, and never has every single bridesmaid attended every single thing.

Second, it shouldn't be too hard with the newborn other than having to nurse in the dress. Your sister can bring you the baby right before the ceremony so you can nurse him (her?) and then you can nurse him again right after the ceremony. I have had friends do this. There usually is a room where the bride/bridesmaids are waiting so it is not difficult. If the reception is at a hotel, you can stay there an easily pop up to your room to nurse. If the reception is somewhere else, then there probably is a quiet place where you can go to nurse.

Regarding the rehearsal, if it is too much then I would probably skip it. My best friend had to skip mine and while it was a bit of a disappointment, that is the way things go. I was more happy that she was able to arrange her schedule to be at the wedding.

It sounds like you really are trying to do the best you can to attend as much as you can. That is wonderful. It is ok that you have to skip a few things.

I would not have been able to leave my one month old with grandma because she refused to take a bottle and we struggled so severly with nursing and milk supply. Thats not an uncommon problem you may encounter. Just make sure you have someone with you not only at the wedding but also for any drives as well. Someone will need to soothe the baby while driving. If your baby takes a bottle, and its only the evening you are going to the dinner, I say you are fine to leave baby for a few hours, but not overnight. Not that it will tramatize your baby, but I don't think you will be able to feel okay with it. What ever you do, don't try to drive with both your children by yourself. Its too much. I also think its too much to leave baby overnight this young. You will be on pins and needles. It won't be worth it.

You could possibly back out of the wedding. It's not too late. You would save yourself a BIG headache!!! However, if you do keep your commitment, make sure you go to the rehearsal!!! The 2 yo will definitely need the practice. Good luck...this would be a hard situation to be in!

I know this is tough. I had a bridesmaid in a similar situation at my wedding (her son was less than 3 weeks old when I got married 6 hours away from where she lived). I offered for her to step out of the wedding because I knew it would be hard (even though I didn't have any children at the time). She was an extremely good friend and she refused to not be there with me at my wedding. I am extremely grateful to her for that. However, she did not make it difficult for me. I would have preferred that she step out of the wedding rather than not participate other than to stand up during the ceremony. Your friend may be more gracious, but you have to remember this is her only wedding, ever, hopefully.

If you don't think that you can fully participate, you should reconsider stepping down and how committed you are to being part of your friend's wedidng day. The rehearsal is a definite must for the bridesmaid and the ring bearer. Your son will probably freak out at all of the people staring at him during the wedding and he definitely will if he hasn't even had a chance to understand what it is he is supposed to be doing and to practice it with a smaller crowd.

I now have 2 children and I had a somewhat similar experience at my brother's wedding. Neither of my children were a month old, but close. Anyway, I paid for a hotel room for all nights for my in-laws where we could have adjoining rooms. They travelled 2 and a half hours to be there to help with my children so that I could participate and enjoy the wedding with my husband. No one can care for a child like their mother, but grandma comes pretty close. I am sure that your sister will do a fabulous job as well, but you have to make sure she can be there so that you can participate in the wedding activities without stressing out the bride and groom.

Book a room(s) now. I am assuming that you know where the wedding is going to be so that you can find a hotel room even if it isn't in the block. Chances are if you don't want a standard 2 queen size bed room it won't be in the block anyway. If you do want a room in the block later, you can cancel the room you book if one in the block is available. Make sure you have a refrigerator if you are planning on pumping. Also, practice pumping in your bridesmaid dress. Most bridesmaid dresses are not made for easy access like nursing clothes. Also, my friend that was in my wedding 3 weeks after giving birth couldn't zip her dress up the night before the rehearsal, even though she bought a dress 2 sizes bigger than she measured when she was almost 3 months pregnant. Her mother and mother-in-law (who were on-board and invited to the wedding so that they could help out with the baby) had to do some amazing seamstress work to get the dress to fit her.

Long story short, make sure you have help, as much as you can find, especially if your husband is not on board to help out.

Good Luck,
D.

As for not receiving any information about the final plans, I would think that since the wedding is still 3 months or so off that those plans might not be finalized yet. I'd ask again in a few weeks and then if you still don't get the information tell her you are going to make alternative reservations on XXX date.

Good grief, about everything else...3 months is plenty of time for people to ask for a couple of personal days off. Hubby included.

I think leaving the baby at the hotel with the grandmother would be ideal. Take her with you on the trip, get her her own room so you and hubby can have plenty of room for all those extra's that will be there too (wedding apparrel, baby stuff, flowers). Surely she can come along and keep the baby there during the ceremony. If you need to nurse during the reception you can make a quick trip to the room and take care of it. Find out where the wedding is being held and reserve your own rooms very close to where the reception is being held. That way if your son gets cranky or tired he can go to grandma too.

If grandma is truly too valuable to her company to take a day then by all means take a friend or hire a babysitter to go with you. Maybe a young woman from your neighborhood that is trustworthy. A teenager might be able to handle a baby and your son if needed too but I'd still take a friend of my own or an older adult who can handle any emergency. You and your friend could go have a fun lunch and maybe some do some shopping. I wouldn't think a friend would require payment, just time together and having some fun.

My BFF and I do a couple of roads trips together each year. She will often stay in the hotel room and nap while I take the kids to the pool or shopping, even to visit my family. She will take the kids to the pool or out to eat at McDonalds while my hubby and I have a quiet dinner at a nicer place. There are 7 of us, 2 of mine, 2 of hers, her, and my hubby and me.

It works due to us having understanding of what is expected.

I would approach who ever you ask to go with you like this:

We will leave here around Noon and arrive there about 2pm Thursday. The rehearsal dinner is 20 minutes away, and at 6:30pm. We need to start getting ready by 5 so we can shower and dress. You can do what ever you want until 4:45. Please be at our room by then so you can take the kids by 5. We plan on being back by 10 pm and after that we won't need you to babysit until 3pm on Friday. That evening is going to be long and we can't say for sure when we'll be back. Please call us if you need anything.

Just an example of what it might be like. The guest you take could also be someone you trust to drive your vehicle so if they wanted to go somewhere they could while they have free time on Friday. Of course my friend and I do stuff like the splash parks, skateboard parks, BMX races, water parks, all kinds of activities together when we travel but it's not for something like this.

Still planning something fun for the whole group could be fun too. Since the wedding is so late you could all spend Friday night too and then have some big activity on Saturday then a leisurely drive home by dark.

I would see if there is a trusted and currently unemployed friend or relative who can come with you for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, and help with the newborn so that you can help your little ringbearer, and attend to your bridesmaid duties, with frequent nursing breaks. When you're nursing, your assistant can mind the 2 year old, and then when your husband arrives, he can take over, and the assistant can just have some time to relax at the hotel, lounge at the pool, etc.

I totally agree with you about not staying over with the bride on Thursday night - she has no idea how complicated it is! You should definitely get a room at the hotel. If you know other guests that are coming to this wedding, perhaps one or more of them would be willing to be your baby-minders! I know I would totally love doing that for a friend at a wedding...sometimes weddings can get a little boring, and having a sweet baby or toddler to keep an eye on would be just the ticket! You have until October to work this out.

Especially for your 2-year-old, you should really try not to miss the rehearsal dinner. And with a newborn, it's probably better if you don't introduce a bottle so early in the game - the easiest thing, I think, would just be to bring the little one along. Don't stress! You can do this!

Just be open with your friend and tell her why you're feeling a little stressed. Even though she doesn't have kids, she most likely will understand...she must have some friends who have little kids. I think if you do go to the rehearsal dinner, you should bring your sister and stay in a hotel. I had a friend w/ a 3 month old as a bridesmaid, a family member held him during the ceremony and it was fine. I also fully expected her to leave to nurse the baby or do whatever she needed to do, I just wanted her to be standing at my side during the wedding. I'm sure you will have fun and it will all work out!

May I urge you to call the hotel you possibly know about and talk to whoever is organizing the block. A lot of times the brides are overwhelmed and don't think of everything. And this person may not get a room booked but can give you some pretty definite information. I'm not understanding why your husband has four months away and he can't be available to you. It's not like you do this all the time.

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