My sister supposedly went to school for accounting (that's what she claims) although her adult kids tell me she's never gone to anything beyond high school. I believe them. Over the years she has worked for many companies, lasting anywhere from 3-5 years each. Her first job she had after graduating she was caught on camera pocketing money from the drawer. The manager viewed the tapes after he became suspicious and got filed a complaint but didn't press charges. She was told by the manager if she willingly left no charges would be filed. The only reason I know this is a friend worked for the county told my x husband and I that what happened at the gas station. We lived in a very small town where every one knew everybody.
Now years later I have reason to believe she's still doing it but as an accountant in a small privately owned office I'm sure it would be easy for her to move numbers around so she could slip cash a little to herself here and there. I'm sure accountants make ok money but when you have a new house to pay for, new car, insurance plus all other bills where else would the money come from? She's been married six times, yes that is correct, not a typo and only 42 years old. None of these men have been millionaires either.
Next month she is taking my parents and all their sisters/brothers on an all expense paid cruise.
I've brought up my concerns about this with my parents and an aunt that I really trusted. Either they don't believe me, I've never lied to them or anyone, it's not the type of person I was brought up as. Or they just don't care. I would be wondering in the back of my mind where is this money coming from if I were in there place. I don't feel I could take something that was illegally obtained.
EDIT: This cruise was for 12 people she paid for including herself and I just found out she's going on another one in March. I would also like to add that her adult kids have nothing to do with her and she almost killed one of her x husband by driving over him at a high speed. He ducked and got burned under her truck but she did cause a lot of damage to the house. This was done in front of the kids at the time. too.
I agree with others who have pointed out that you "know" nothing!
You 'suspect.'
I have my suspicions about lots of people but until their character affects me? I mind my own beeswax.
I suggest you do the same.
Unless this is directly affecting you (as in, she's stealing from you) I agree with everyone who says to just walk away from this one.
She's a mess. You don't have to be. YOU can choose to keep yourself in the clear, not go on the cruise, and let family do what they are going to do.
Maybe your relatives know and they really don't care. Will rubbing their noses in it prove anything or endear you to them?
Not to be rude, but sometimes sh*t happens. If your family is running around with their blinders on because they don't want to see it, then they will likely have some consequences to deal with later on. Maybe they'll find out and be embarrassed; maybe she'll worm her way into their personal accounts? Personally, what you describe would raise a red flag for me, but they don't want to see it.... so there you have it. Take care of yourself going forward and cover your own butt.
Hey Mama, I would try and disconnect emotionally from this situation. I know it is hard to do when someone jerky is getting away with something, but I think you deserve to not carry the heavy weight of all the negative yuck this situation brings. This is on your parents to sort out, so I would just step back and focus on something more generative. If your sister is a thief, I would not waste your energy on ratting her out.
It sounds to me like you and your sister don't get along and you really have no relationship. SO what is the point with you trying to prove something wrong on her to the family?
What do you have to gain by all this hearsay? How is this beneficial to you.
You know if you do not have concrete proof of her being a theif and you keep hashing this with family, at some point she may take you to court for slander, (even if she is a theif) and WIN.
I pick up a bit of jealousy over the paid in full trip. Are you not invited?
Bottom line, you need to keep your nose out of it and if she is the way you believe her to be, why waste all this negative energy? Do something positive for yourself and you will be healthier emotionally in the long run.
She made her bed now she can lie in it and if the time comes when she is caught or screws up it is HER problem.
What would be the desired result of proving your sisters theft to your family? Do you want her ostracized? Do you want her punished? Do you want to come off looking like the "good sister"? What is your end goal in this endeavor? I can understand going through life and its hard knocks, doing things all the right way and being rewarded so stingily for your efforts, however... life isn't fair. You think your sister is stealing and lying her way through life and being rewarded and praised for it, and that makes you angry. You want to take her success away from her because she didn't gain it through the proper channels. This is not a healthy way to live. Focus on your own life and successes and stop stewing over your sisters.
It's not your job to be your sisters keeper. My own sister makes many shitty life decisions, things I would never do at all, and she also always seems to come off as this totally put together perfect person. Stop feeling resentful and jealous. It won't do you or anyone else any good. If you do manage to expose your sister for the lying cheat you believe her to be... you'll only come off looking like a jealous, resentful, spiteful "mean-girl" sister.
It's not worth it. Let life deal with your sister and you handle your own business. You can take the high road yourself though, and refuse any gifts or trips she may offer you, since you seem so sure they are ill gotten, but it's not your place to police your sister to the rest of your family. You can only control yourself, not the actions of others. You can influence people by example, but you can't force them to your level of morality by tattling on them.
You are opening up Pandora's Box within your family.
Do you know what you are doing here?
Do you realize what you are doing here?
What are you trying to accomplish?
Are you trying to prove that you are better than your sister? I am sorry. But your words are ugly. I am sorry. You sound like a very bitter woman. You are making very strong accusations, that if wrong, cannot be taken back. Step away from the situation. If she is embezzling, it will come out. Do you want to the catalyst for that revelation? I am not sure what your sister did to make you hate her so. It is a very sad situation indeed.
I see that Wild One told you to hire a P.I., while I typically like what she advises, on this, I feel she could not be more wrong. Hiring a P.I. to prove your sister is bad, is only going to make YOU look bad, petty and here is where I agree, jealous.
Take a step back and think long and hard before you say anything else bad about your sister. You will force the family to take sides and you might not like what they choose.
As for the cruise that has you bent out of shape? If you are not invited, you are not obtaining anything illegally. Yes, it is most likely expensive. Is it your business on how she is paying for it? No.
Think long and hard to the consequences of your actions.
I would be willing to bet that when caught (if guilty) your family will get mad at, and lash out at YOU. Why? Because you showed them that you were smart enough to see through it all, making them look less than smart. People don't like to be proven wrong. I would stay quiet and let time show her real colors, then you cant be focused on as the stool pigeon that 'gave her up' in place of them blaming the wrong-doer.
You have done what you can to get them to see and they don't want to. Stay out of it, stay away from her. You don't want to cause her attention to land on you, and your family will see you as the bad guy. Sometimes people only learn through natural consequences.
If you DO have proof for the company she is working with, give them a head's up. They deserve to know. I don't know if you could do this anonymously...
Unless your sister is stealing from you or other members of her family it's really none of your business.
If she is stealing from work she WILL get caught, and then SHE will suffer the consequences.
Though it sounds like you're making a pretty big assumption based on your feelings for her past mistakes and lifestyle choices, without a single lick of evidence.
If the offer doesn't extend to you, then you are not taking anything illegally obtained. You can always decline her gifts. At this point, you only have the suspicion, though I must say that an all expense paid trip for 12 is pretty big, unless it's all on credit. And that may be where she's getting it. You don't know.
I will say that I've been told in the past to look for things like a guy on an entry level salary running around in a nice new car all of a sudden. It could be an inheritance or it could be something else. So I don't think you're far fetched. I just think that not being a part of the company, and not knowing more details about how she is paying for it, it's hard to say there's anything to report.
ETA: You also really, really want to prove something to your family. If you can't prove it to a company or law enforcement, you won't prove it to family, either. I'd not focus on the court of family opinion. It is not always right. Friend of mine used to work for her BIL and some bad stuff went down. The family treated Friend like garbage, but in the end, the court said she was right. All along I told her not to look for apologies from the family and I was correct. They never did apologize when the verdict came down proving her innocence. Some things you will never "win".
seriously, I would NOT want you in my family. Just because your sister made an error in judgment....YEARS AGO.....doesn't mean she's still doing it.
Shame on you for trying to implicate your sister in a crime, without a shred of proof.
Darlin', you are burning yourself with this issue....with your family. Yes, you are entitled to your suspicions....& that's all they are. Find the facts, find the proof.....& then we can talk again. (sigh)
Whether or not your sister is a thief is not your responsibility. I suggest that you stay out of it. It is not your job to convince your family of anything.
Yes, it's frustrating. But it's the company's job to monitor their own employees and it's your family's responsibility to manage their own affairs. Take care of yourself and let them take care of themselves.
Your only responsibility is your relationship with your family. Pointing the finger at your sister only harms your relationship with them and fixes nothing.
You don't mention whether or not you're included in the cruise. If so and you don't want to benefit from ill gotten gains, then don't go. Or accept that you have no proof and for the sake of family harmony go and have a good time. What your sister and your family does or doesn't do is not your business.
Wow - don't even know where to start with this one! You could send an annonymous note to your sister's boss - but if there's no evidence then you'll sully your sister's name for no reason. But you may be right about this if she's taking so many people on a cruise. I suggest you ask your sister directly. Say - wow that is so cool that you're doing so well at work to be able to afford this. Ask if her company has any other job openings since you'd love to work at such a high paying company. Or tell her your friend wants to apply to the company - who should she send her resume to?
Yikes. It may be that there's just nothing you can do about it until her boss catches up to her.
Sounds like you don't care much for your sister. You are two completely different people. I get that and it's okay.
BUT for you to arbitrarily start accusing your sister of embezzlement is a bit much. It doesn't sound like you really know what's going on in her life. Maybe she is embezzling; maybe not.
I bet that your other family members also wonder where the money is coming from, but recognize that it's really none of their business. I suggest that it is none of your business either. If you had a scintila of proof or evidence that would be one thing, but you have nothing but your own feelings to go off of, which really isn't anything.
As long as you don't benefit from what you perceive to be her ill-gotten gains, then you are okay.
She might be getting and running up credit card debt to pay for these things. Unless you have more, you should just mind your own business and let her mind hers.
She's not stealing from you or your family. Sorry, but this is her boss's problem, not yours. Drop it like a log and walk away. It doesn't matter how she lives, what she does, it's not your problem. Don't even waste your time with trying to prove it. You have suspicions, no proof. You are not legally bound to report anything because you have not seen anything. Don't go around looking for proof. Ignore her and let it go if you don't like her. If her own kids don't want to have anything to do with her, you certainly should not either.
One thing in life I've learned is what comes around goes around. No one is immune from the laws of the universe and if she is embezzling money she'll get hers one way or another.
I would distance myself from her and not say another word to anyone about your suspicions. You have no proof or even evidence besides her past and her spending. You could easily be wrong and if you are that makes you seem really petty. Take the high road and have faith that the truth will prevail.
I don't think that you need to try to prove it to anyone. Just make sure that you are nowhere around when she gets caught.
Why have you not talked to her about it?
From this entry it sounds like you have tons of bad blood between you and your sister. It sounds like some major sibling rivalry. What she has done in her past may or may not be an indication of what she will or will not do today. You don't know her level of income or her expenses or how she saves or really what she is doing. Without evidence you are only making yourself look bad in the eyes of your family.
Even if she is the worst thief ever, she is your parents child and they will always love her just like they love you too.
My recommendation is that you don't say another negative word about your sister to your family and just love them and love her too. She isn't all bad even though she may be disappointing to you.
If she turns out to be the next Bernie Madoff, she will need family even more than she does now. Since her own adult children want nothing to do with her all she seems to have left is her parents and this aunt.
Your opening asked how you can prove your sister is a thief to your family and my answer to that is what is done in the dark will come to the light but your family aka her parents may always have a soft spot for her because if she is doing all this stealing something is truly wrong and missing in her life and that is tremendously sad, especially since no one is seeming to want to help her through her pain.
For yourself let it go. All the parties involved are grown and you must let this go for your own peace of mind. It will be what it will be. Be prepared to deal with your parents disappointment without being smug and saying I told you so if it comes to that. Also be prepared to mend this bad blood between you and your sister. Life is far too short.
Are you serious with this?
All you have in way of 'proof' in stating that she is a thief is something she did when she was a teenager (after she graduated?) since you claim she hasn't gone to college, then that means after she graduated HS, correct?
So she did something stupid when she was 18-19 years old.
She is now 42 and yet you are still labeling her a thief... b/c she is paying for your parents to go on a cruise? Some 23-24 years later?!?!
Are there other instances of her getting in trouble for theft that you are not mentioning here? If not, then I say you have WAY over-stepped your boundries and you need to give it a rest. You made your suspicions known to your parents and your aunt, there is nothing else for you to do here.
What exactly does that fact that she has been married 6x have to do with anything?
You sound obnoxious and VERY jealous! What business is it of yours where she got the money to pay for the cruise? She is doing something nice for your parents...were you not invited? Is that what the problem is?
It is none of your business where your sister gets the money to pay for her "new house, new car, insurance plus all other bills"...again, you sound jealous with this statement...
She has a job...could her salary be paying for her bills? Paychecks usually help all the rest of us pay for our bills, why would this be any different for your sister?
I am going to go out on a limb here and *assume* you do not have a very good relationship with your sister. If this is the case, that is fine but you shouldn't be actively looking for stuff to stir up trouble, especially when it doesn't affect you in ANY WAY!
If she is truly embezzeling money, the truth will come out in due course. Just step back, keep your mouth shut, keep your valuables and purse locked away when she visits, and let the chips fall where they may.
What I don't understand is why you feel responsible for this. You aren't. Focus on your own life, your own morals, and your own family. God will judge your sister even if she is NEVER judged in this life. She will have to answer for her sins.
Why do you need to "prove it" to your family. The truth will come out in it's own time. If your sister is old enough, she will suffer her own consequences. If the family is in denial, at some point if this is all true, they will become victims and the truth will speak for itself.
Know what you know, let them know and leave it at that. In fact, confront your SISTER and find out why you think she is doing so and try to help her stop doing it. She obviously needs some assistance. Don't make her a public figure, try to help her.
You got a to of replies and sorry to say that some were on the negative side. I can totally sympathize with you. I can even honestly say I can relate to what's going on too. I rarely come on here anymore mainly to ask a question and then I may answer some too after posting. I am going through the something similar with my own brother. I won't get into details but I know how you're feeling. It hurts. People have said here they think you're just jealous etc etc but for what I went through with my brother I would say you're far from being jealous just from the info you have given us. There is a lot of embezzling going on in the corporate world these days. Sad but true. Be strong, she will mess up one day and they will see her true personality. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
Z., it's a matter of time. Messing with the books is going to get her caught. If the business has her bonded, they won't have to pay out of pocket for her thievery. The insurance company will. AND they will have the police on her tail, big time.
The problem I see is that if you wanted to do anything about this, like leave an anonymous tip to her employer, she will now know where it came from because you went to people in the family and told them your suspicions. I think you made a mistake with this. It's one thing to TELL when people wrong YOU. It's another thing to have suppositions about money like you do.
If I were you, I'd leave it alone. The business may be audited, and it will then come to light. The owner of the business may try to get a loan, and the assets he thought were there won't be, and they will go looking for the problem and will find it. If you are wrong, then she has a trust fund that you don't know anything about.
Stay out of the way of her, her car, and her money. I think it's really best.
Dawn
Wow, I'm surprised at the number of responses telling you to mind your own business.
I have personally known several people to have funds stolen from them. My soon to be BIL, had over a million dollars embezzled from his business by his 20 year + secretary.
I have a cousin who stole over a million dollars from his parents for drugs and sold off priceless art under neath their noses.
I have a sociopathic sister who is a thief, but she has elaborate stories as to how she got the money. And guess what, the family just puts up with her.
I have a local friend, who just hired a new human resources gal. On the day she was hired, the sheriffs showed up and arrested her as they had been tracking her for awhile. Turns out she was great at interviewing and once hired she would set up a fake individual on the pay roll and pay this fake person electronically. Of course, she had created a bank account for too. Very creative criminal, eh?
When there are such nice financial benefits to her family, I can guarantee no one is going to delve too far into how she came up with the money. It appalls me how so man people turn a blind eye to such people. I don't get it, but I have experienced it so many times in my own life.
All you can do is keep a huge distance between yourself and your sister. Her time of reckoning will come. I supposed you can clearly ask her and others how the heck she pays for such nice cruises for all on an accountant's salary? Maybe she has a fantastic huge client who gave her the cruises? You might not ever know, but it doesn't hurt to ask, and it will never hurt to keep yourself apart from her web of deceit.
Why is this bothering you?
I think the biggest problem is that people don't believe you, which is VERY common when dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Which is what your sister sounds like she has. I can completely relate to the frustration you must feel when you try to point out what is happening, and if someone has not actually encountered a narcissist, they have no idea how bad/ destructive/ horrible they can be. Almost the worst thing about them is how everyone around them is either snowed in, or they seem crazy for mentioning it. A psychologist said Lance Armstrong was like that, and I don't really care one way or another about his controversy, but to illustrate to people who have never met a person like this, how far it can go, in terms of the lies and how much they can trick people. The main thing I want to point out is 'you are not crazy, this person wants people to think you are.'
You may not be able to prove it to anyone, especially if they do not wish to see it. Here's what you can do - make sure that she never handles your money or even knows anything about your finances. Do not have any business dealings with her, ever. Otherwise, it really is outside of your control, and letting it eat at you only hurts you. Take as many deep breaths as it takes and let it go.
The one legitimate concern you may have - is she handling money or taxes for others in the family? That is the one situation in which it would be appropriate for you to say something. It sounds like you already have. Unfortunately, just because you say it doesn't mean others will heed it. The evidence is already in front of them, because, indeed, even high-end accountants would have to stretch to be able to afford to pay for a cruise for a dozen people. (Do your parents and your aunt realize how much a cruise costs? They may not know.) IF there is potential for her to be putting the rest of the family at financial risk, say your piece one more time. Frame it as being concerned for the financial welfare of your family members. Then be done - what happens next is in their hands, not yours.
It sounds like you live in the kind of place where avoiding your sister would be difficult. Since you neither enjoy her nor approve of her, do your best to be cordial, see her when you must, and otherwise, put her out of your mind. Vent in private to your best girlfriend or spouse, then cease talking or thinking about your sister more than necessary.
In a situation in which others are behaving badly, the one person whose behavior and attitude you control is you.
Hi Z.-
How frustrating!!! I guess you have to look at what you are willing to give up here. If you say something to the company and the authorities, you don't have proof and it might look like you are the bad person. If you do have proof or they investigate and find proof, she will be fired and delt with, but your family will probably blame you because sadly that's just the way life is. Are you willing to deal with the family fall out based on a strong suspision?
I'm not sure what I'd do but I think I would bide my time. She's going to get caught eventually and just make sure you are as far away as possible.
Good luck, I feel for you...!!
