my nephew is almost 4 (turns 4 new yers eve) he acts out yells at everyone and he likes to hit. his parents are split up so he's never in one set place. my sister has him about 50 % of the time, but even when he's with her she doesn't pay much attention to him. i understand she is under alot of stress with our father having stage 4 cancer but he's almost 4 and she hasn't started him on potty training. i'm trying to potty train him but with a baby of my own needing so much attention it's hard i feel like my nephew is mine because i'm always taking care of him. my question is how to i et him potty trained and to stop talking back to me?
Hi, Lan:
I would suggest that you try to see about getting a Family Group Conference (FGC) started.
Contact: Sandy George: ____@____.com
and get help.
International Institute for Restorative Practices
www.iirp.org
Thanks for caring. D.
Potty training is the least of this poor kid's problems.
His parents are separated, his mother neglects him, and you're worried about potty training? He's acting up because he's neglected.
If your nephew has a loser mother, the best thing you can do for your nephew is love, love, love him up, and try to be the mother your stupid sister is not. It will be hard for you with a new baby of your own, but that's what I'd do, and you can do it.
Poor little boy. He needs a mother.
(Oh, no, wait, my eyes have just been opened by an answer from Melanie D. above. Actually, she's right, you need to hit this poor boy. His life doesn't suck enough.)
Wow Landonsmama,
How wonderful that your nephew has you. He is in a world of pain with everything going on around him and he is probably acting it out. I would imagine the different homes offer him different structures and this is always confusing for little ones. Be the supportive person you are. Ask him what he feels and let him know you are there for him. Help him verbalize more, even if this is hard for him. Let him know he is not alone and normalize every way you can (I feel sad when...... or I have been angry when....and here is how I deal with it). Good luck. S. A. K., MFT
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Chino-CA/S.-A-K.-Marriage-a...
Do you think he's ready to train? Is he interested in the toilet and can he tell you when he has to go?
Use Pull ups to start and have him practice pulling them down. You can try taking him into the bathroom or to the potty chair (he's probably big for a potty chair though) every hour or so and have him sit for a few minutes.
I'm sorry you're going through the Stage 4 cancer with your dad, but, excuse me for asking--why is this YOUR problem? Imo, she sounds like a neglectful mother. I know she may be helping care for your dad but why would she NOT pay attention to her own child? Does she expect him to potty train himself?
I agree with Paige and would focus on love. Give him connection, approval & self-worth as well as a safe place to vent out all his emotions. What a life!
He is very lucky to have such a great aunt! Think of how it would be in his place and give him what you would like to have if you were in his place. Is your sister open to improving her parenting? It would be its own reward.
First and foremost he sounds like he yells and hits because he is not getting attention. It is not good to yell back at him. All this is learned behavior and probably what your sister or his dad does with him. I understand she is stressed but her child should come first. I would let him run around without underware while at home. Get him a training potty if he is afraid of the big potty. Buy him big boy underware of whatever charecter he likes. You will need to ask him frequently if he needs to go or not. The reason for the no underware is when they have to go and have nothing to go in they will go on the potty. My son is potty trained and just turned three on the 19th of this month. He has been totally potty trained for over a month. Bribery is also good in this situation. Be paitient and loving with him and don't yell,it seems like he has a lot of stress in his life already at four years old. He is lucky to have an Aunt who loves him and cares about him.
Does he want to go potty? I didn't train my son until he was 3. I deciede one weekend I was going to put 100% effort into it and if he wet his pants all day all weekend, so what, he was going to go on the potty. Well, needless to say, he was a big boy. I put him in big boy underwear with the cool characters and said you don't want to pee on "BUZ LIGHT YEAR"? He went on the potty, and there after, he said when he had to go... pretty easy. He still had a couple accidents. My son doesn't like to be praised at all, so I couldn't make a big deal about him going or he wouldn't. I learned that 3 months prior to doing this. He also likes to race so we would race to the bathroom...
I remember with my daughter my mom helped a lot, but every hour I would put her on the potty if she had to go or not. We would just sit there for awhile if she went or not, said good job. My middle son always was trying to be like his big sister, so potty training him was easy. Except at night, he is a heavy sleeper and had accidents a lot.
As for talking back, well, you have to be consistent. Tell him in a stern voice how serious you are and how he will be getting in trouble. I believe in spanking, so I would pop his little behind. My sister doesn't, and her kids are brats, however, they know I will and they don't act up with me. They might start to push my buttons but they know how far, kids are very smart and will try to push boundaries. Don't let them step over the boundaries are they will continuing to do so.
Talk with your sister. Remind her how important being a parent is, with your dad having cancer and life is so precious, not to forget about the beautiful son she has. As a child grows so do the problems, nip this one in the butt before it gets out of hand, there are more to come...I assure you
Right on, Page W!
First I want to say that I admire you for caring enough about your nephew to care for him and to want what is best for him, especially when you are having issues of your own. I realize that it is your father also who has cancer and that you are caring for a baby of your own.
Next, my thoughts on your nephew. This little guy is only 3 1/2 and his entire world has been totally turned upside down. There are way more important things to focus on than potty training at this time. He needs to know that there are people who will care for him, care about him, be there for him. Right now he isn't seeing that. He needs someone who will listen to him and take him seriously. He needs to feel heard and to know that he is important in this world. That is why he is talking back and hitting. He is scared and doesn't know what else to do.
If you are going to be a major person in his life, then very patiently help him learn ways of expressing himself It will take patience and time. Don't expect to tell him one or two times and expect it to stick. We all have our weak areas. There are things about each of us that we need to change and yet we still fail in those areas (much to our disappointment). So, even once he sees that there is a better way to express himself, he will still have a hard time being consistent with it. It takes time to unlearn our old ways.
But, the very first thing you need to do is to listen to him in a way that he knows you are listening, but also understanding him. If you feel irritation with him, or feel that he is an intrusion in your life, he will pick up on that.
And now my thoughts on your sister. His mother also needs counseling to help her through her depression and dealing with life after the break-up. If she is not able to potty train right now, I certainly would not worry about that. Maybe both the she and the child need to take a break from additional stresses of things like potty training. She does, however, need to give him her never-ending love and full attention. He is certainly craving both and this will cause him to act out in order to obtain some semlbance of love and attention. Everyone wants to feel loved!
Please keep us posted.
K.
