My MIL, the Boa Constrictor

You're going to have to speak up and tell her "no" when she's about to do something that you don't want her to do. She can't read your mind. It will be awkward, and she'll get angry. But you're going to have to do this eventually, so just get it over with. Good luck!

p.s. This was also my mother. I was so shocked when she announced that she was coming out for the birth of the first baby, and not prepared for polite excuses, that I told her "no", that my husband and I wanted this special time alone with the baby. It was the second time I'd ever stood up to her. She was very put off. Later, I had to make it clear that she was not going to babysit my child alone (she was a child-abuser). You will get braver as you practice standing up to her.

I feel for you. I went through the same thing --only it was own mother. Try to look at it from her point of view. Here is this beautiful amazing child who she loves and adores (who cam blame her for that?). If you can, try to talk to her about how much you appreciate her love and interest and that you would like her help (grandma's love that)...and give her some things to do to help ..like make er son's favorite dinner, do the baby's laundry or better yet, let her watch the baby so you and your husband can have a date night. If that doesn't work then ask your husband to talk to her.
It's not easy, but try to remember that although she drives you nuts, she loves your sweet baby and will do what it takes to be a good grandma to your kids.

Holy cow - my heart goes out to you! I have had similar issues with my MIL. Before baby she was wonderful and caring (for me as well as my husband), but when my little girl was born everything changed in the relationship. My husband and I made a deal early on, one that has worked very well for us: I talk to my parents about issues, and he talks to his parents. We spent too much time traveling with our newborn while I was trying to work part-time (with her at the office). I came out of all of this with an unhealthy paranoia about how much time I give to our baby. Not to say that you have this problem, but it definitely made my situation more difficult. My in-laws were continually giving us advice, mostly without knowing it. I'm guessing you're in a similar situation and it's the first grandchild on that side of the fam? Anyway, after never changing diapers, not helping with cleaning, and a few very off-color comments (once my baby was crying during family meal, her dinner was already put off by a half hour, so my MIL goes to pick her up and I say something about having what she needed and MIL says "oh, mommy just thinks she is the ONLY one!" - in front of the whole fam. Nice.) Shortly after that, my husband wrote his parents a long letter or email (can't remember which) about how difficult this has been for us, and how little we feel supported in learning to be parents for the first time. It's not easy to learn this huge job with EVERYONE watching and having some all-important opinion! The letter/email didn't solve all our issues, but it did open up some lines of communication. We found out that the times when they take her, they're trying to help (in an admittedly selfish way). The next big conversation on the horizon is the "that's not helping, but this would...", because baby #2 is on the way. I'm not going to lie - all this kind of sucks. Relationships (all of them) before my little miracle were so easy. From what I understand, having grandkids is another life-changing event. I don't know that new grandmothers know where to be. Same with being a mom, trying to figure out your style and accepting the fact that people might think you're a jerk or overprotective, or needy, or whatever. I'm having a tough time with this too - so I guess just know that you're not alone!!

She sounds like a needy, self-absorbed woman who needs serious boundaries! I think you need to talk to her directly if your husband will not. It is not her baby, and you did not have the baby to give her a grandchild. I think you should tell your husband how you feel about the upcoming visit and lay down some rules before she comes out here. If she does not respect your wishes, she will be less welcome (i.e. fewer visits, shorter visits). Tell her that you want her to have a relationship with your daughter, but she needs to honor your lifestyle/choices, etc. Good Luck!

Hi C.,
I have been married for 10 years to a man who has the exact mother! Except mine always hints at us getting a divorce from the moment we said "I DO" it has been a nightmare to say the least. My oldest son was born in 1999. We were married in January, moved in June, had the baby in July (she was there for all 3 wonderful occasions expecting me to clean up after her) She stayed through part of August, came back for my birthday in October, Thanksgiving in November, Christmas in December, AND our anniversary in January!!! Okay, she stayed a week each time OR MORE, and literally drove me to calling a divorce lawyer so I could get rid of her.
Well, Nothing works!!! You have to Look them Straight in the eye, and tell them exactly how you feel. Remind them of how they felt when they were first married and had their first child. (we have 4 children now, she wasn't any different with the rest of them, each time I had to remind her)....
What I said was this, " XXX, You raised your children, this is mine, I want to make the mistakes, I want to be there for XXX the way you were for your children. I love having you here and being a part of XX's life, but please understand that this is my child and I want it done my way, if it is wrong, that is okay, because "I" made the mistakes. How about you help me (now I say with doing D's homework or could you make a salad with H or could you help T do this while I nurse or do whatever,but with your first one its a bit trickier) So perhaps ask her if she could go out and do the grocery shopping for you (make sure you have a list or they won't get what you want, and be SPECIFIC on that list... my mil came home with a 2 gallon jar of pickles and 10 paper plates when I had a c-section with my 4th... not very helpful- I did though ask for paper plates, pickles, lol) They mean well, but you need to start now by putting your foot down, you will both appreciate the relationship more later down the line, Feelings will get bruised on her part a little bit, but it is your child. I know this is easier said than done, and your husband is NOT going to do it for you, belive me. You will have to sit down and let her know what is bothering you about what she is doing so think it through before you do.

Let me know if you need any help.
M.

I would have loved for anyone to hold my babies so I could have break. She probably will never do what you want her to, that's what in-laws do. Nurture the relationship between her and the grandbaby, that is so special. I'm sorry but this is just not bad at all. I remember day's when i thought my arms would be numb from carrying the baby and my sink was piling up with dishes, to have an extra set of arms would be awesome.

Trust me, I know where you are coming from! Have you ever been on Babycenter? They have a wonderful board there called "Dealing With the In-Laws". The women there are really great at helping you with any problem you might have. They really have great info!