My MIL Is Judgmental

I thought being judgemental was a prerequisite to becoming a MIL?

Seriously, judgemental folks just don't believe that they are judgemental...they just feel that they speak the truth. You are not going to convince her otherwise.

Sometimes the best thing to do is change the subject and drink another glass of wine.

Sounds like a lot of older people. I don't thing they realize they are doing this. My MIL is this way, and so is her son! When we talk, sedately about her, I sometimes mention this aspect. I notice he'll try not to make any negative comments for a while, and if he stars, I'll change the subject.
Yes, she will end up alone (she's more than halfway there). But maybe it is better if her own son discusses it with her, just so you don't get branded as the villain.

Try a thousand-mile-stare and a neutral "hmm." My mom is a negative nellie, too. I seriously doubt that my challenging her is going to change her feelings about anything, but if I'm in a debating kind of mood, I'll politely disagree. I mean, you're allowed to have your own opinion, right? I have had some success with the following:
"I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but...[insert your opinion]"
"Just for the sake of argument, you could look at it this way [insert your opinion]"
Sometimes I ask my mom questions to get her to think about something a little differently. Like if she's talking about someone who is in debt up to their eyeballs, I'll say "Do you think she likes to be in debt? I wonder why she does that? What have you done to prevent going down the same road?" Etc etc. People generally love to talk about themselves and if you have to spend time with her anyway, you might as well make it entertaining.

Mine is the same way. I once suggested that maybe, just perhaps, her perception of a situation was mistaken, that the person who sent a letter sharing a trip was not trying to brag, make her feel bad, or anything else.

Nothing.

People like this are just stuck. They are very insecure and need to keep all those other people down, perhaps to justify their rejection of her complaining self. Save yourself the trouble, try to steer the conversation to her favorite things as much as you can( I know that healthy cooking or sewing, gardening can buy us some 'pleasant' talk time). Don't waste your breath trying to make her see things differently-- she will when she's ready, if she ever is. Otherwise, just do what you need to do to stay sane during those time. Having kids around really helps!

I also agree with Sara G: the neutral 'hmmm' is a lifesaver. It's a great acknowledgement that she is speaking, nothing more. It gives the speaker validation for being without validating what they say. Her other pat phrases that she suggested are great, just so long as you know you might get an argument directed at YOU.

Wine is great too! (Tracy's cracking me up today.)

My MIL and FIL are the same way. I nod and smile when visiting and try to give them as little ammo as possible. I'm sure they talk about us when we aren't there too. Too bad I can't share more, but it's dangerous around people like that. I always find it amusing when I hear her side of the story and then the person she is complaining about. Wow, talk about skewed perspective! It's sad when people can't just enjoy others and have to criticize their every move.

Your mother-in-law sounds a lot like my mom.

It is not likely that she will change her behavior even if you say something, although you might meet the more shocking things that come out of her mouth with, "I'm uncomfortable talking about X's personal life. Can we talk about something else?" More likely, she will take whatever you say about her behavior as unfair criticism, and them YOU will be the topic of her negative judgment du jour. Don't set yourself up.

To manage your relationship with her, perhaps it would be helpful to make sure that if you're together, you're doing something active. Go out to a movie. Go to a sporting event. Ask her to teach you to do something she's good at. Cook together. Take a lesson of some kind together, such as dancing or crafting. This gives your personal interactions focus, and hopefully gives her something to talk about besides other people. In my dealings with my mother, this strategy has been very helpful. It allows me to spend time with her that is actually comfortable instead of cringe-worthy.

And never, never share personal information with her, or information about your husband, more than necessary. She doesn't need fuel for the fire. The same kind of talk you hear about others from her, you can bet they hear about you. Don't give her ammunition.

I wouldn't share your opinion of her or anyone else, but simply say "Mom, if you don't have anything nice to say, I'd appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself. I don't like to hear things said about other people when they aren't present to defend themself."

I know exactly what you are talking about. You could try saying, "I'm not comfortable discussing this without _______ (insert person's name) here to defend themselves." or simply, "I'm not comfortable discussing this."

You could even draw on your own experience and say that you don't want to fall back into gossip. It's so easy to get sucked in! I told that to a friend of mine and she said, "I want to stop too!" and we kept each other accountable to say only kind things about others.

You will know what to do. So sorry you are in this situation!

I think that if many people stopped talking negatively about others, they wouldn't have anything to talk about at all.

And that's pretty sad, because it's such a habit they don't even know they're doing it.

But until your MIL herself asks, "Do you think I'm too negative about people?" there isn't much you can say or do. If you tell her how you feel before then, she probably won't understand, she'll take offense, and the problem will escalate. Probably.

I tend to keep my mouth shut and my face neutral, as if I am listening out of courtesy alone and do not wish to contribute to the conversation. The reason I do that is because I am listening out of courtesy alone and do not wish to contribute to the conversation. If it's possible to change the subject, I try to do it. If I can say, "Excuse me, I need to turn down the heat under the peas," I'll do it.

Here's the harder part: you have to be civil (and gracious, if possible) without bitterness. If you stew about this, you're hurting yourself. Change your focus (off her) as soon as you can. Mentally, throw her comments out with the trash as soon as you can. Even better, find a way to laugh it off when she has gone home.

What you said about your husbands mother and father sort of puts you in the same category. (i.e. "he doesn't want to be around her and that's why he lives in another state).....If you want to sever ties, tell her what's on your mind about her. If you want to keep the peace and still want to say something....just say something nice. For example: "I really like Aunt so an so, too bad she's having problems".

"Do you have a mother-in-law who is judgmental?"

Yes, yes I do.

"Is it ok to tell her how I feel when she talks about these people or just keep my mouth shut?"

I once said to mine, teasingly, "Gee, Ma, I really hope you don't talk that way about me behind MY back!"

Quick as a whip she said, "I don't need to. You're one of my daughters now. I tell you to your face."

My MOTHER is just like that. In fact, I rarely talk to her anymore and when I do it is only cursory stuff. I have found that if I confide in her with anything, it comes back to slap me in the face because she can't keep ANYTHING to herself. And she's not above lying either. To me, if you aren't going to tell the truth, why say anything at all?

I have kept my mouth shut and just don't go around her very much. She's almost 80 - she's not going to change.

I think Cheryl B and I have the same mom. I swear My mom has NEVER anything good to say about anyone.

I totally hear you Mary, it is so emotionally draining to be around someone like this. I don't talk to my mom that much anymore, I start getting really stressed and agitated when I'm around her it's so sad.

Oh and you bet she talks about me behind my back with my sister.

In your case I do not know how good it will do to tell your MIL off, I don't think she is going to change. I'm so sorry you have to endure such a close family member being so toxic.

I find this happens as people age. Seems common. They are lacking filters.

My MIL was like that also and had no friends and no one in the extended family really liked her. My ex-husband thought she walked on water so he never saw it. Our kids however now see it. My daughter has been speaking to some of her dad's cousins on facebook and really learned how much they did not like her grandmother. I was really eye opening for her.

Unfortunately my Mom was the same way. She was always so nice to people to their face and tore everyone down behind their back, except for her 'sainted' family. The only family mom Mom ever belonged to was the family she grew up in, as an adult I learned she would have choosen them over me, I guess I was not family.

I learned my best response was to simply say, "Well they have always been nice to me, so I like them". It was like a mantra.

I think you let it go on too long, so if you say something now, she'll turn on YOU and talk bad about you to the family. If I were you, I'd just ignore it and "go to your happy place". Let her notice that you are very distracted and then change the subject.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell her anything personal about you and your husband at all, and I'd ask your husband to keep your family business private too. She knows too much about everybody's business and she spreads that knowledge all around. Surely your husband knows this...?

It's a hard line to walk, I'm sure...

Dawn

You have some good suggestions so far. I wouldn't outright tell her, keep it more subtle, per some of the recommendations below. You won't likely change her, and it will just make things unpleasant.

I know this type well! But it's not my MIL.

Have fun!