Mother In-law Disrespectful to Me and My Parenting

Write her a letter. Tell her that you want her to be an active and involved grandparent. Get your kids to describe what their ideal grandparent would be. Describe in the letter the boundaries you are setting AND the consequences of her overstepping. Be detailed and specific. Describe scenarios that will limit her contact and influence in your children's lives. My father wanted to be ugly to me about piercing my daughter's ears as a baby. I simply told him " when I was small it was YOUr choice, but this is MY baby and it's MY choice". He never brought it up again. Be emphatic and don't back down. My child, MY choice. My child, MY choice...

Hi S.,
I know it seems logical to you to want to try to talk to her and explain everything but it really sounds like it wouldn't really bring about change.
Yes--I agree with a lot of the pp'ers that your husband should address the situation in a perfect world, he would--but this isn't a perfect world.
My best advice to you is do NOT let her get under your skin. Don't waste your energy. Ignore, avoid and ignore some more. Do not put your husband in the uncomfortable position of choosing between you or her. Let HIM call her, visit her etc. You don't have to do that. In those situations where you MUST be near her, just avoid her and ignore what she says. My MIL gets quiet pretty quick when I just don't answer her! Good luck!

It sounds like you've tried talking to her, and it doesn't work. I don't agree that your husband will be able to make much of a difference. I would just ignore her words and behavior, and reduce contact with her if necessary. If she wants to change and improve her relationship with you, it will have to come from her. You really have no control over this. Just distance yourself.

It all needs to come from your husband, not you. And seriously, do you think this is going to change because he convinces her to change? It hasn't worked before, right? So what magic words can you use to get her to see the light? She will never change (probably) so you just have to work on your attitude toward her, and your contact with her. (I had a MIL who was a little bit like this, and trust me, there is nothing you can do to change people. You have to change the way you look at things. And you have to limit your contact with people like this and realize that there is nothing you can do to fix it. Especially if you think there are mental issues. Then it's even more hopeless.) My suggestion is to take a deep breath and realize this is what you're stuck with and try to find humor in the situation and realize there are worse things that could be happening in your life.

Her son needs to talk to her - not you. That's the only way it will ever get solved. My father-in-law was pretty critical when my daughter was a baby - only he'd make little comments under his breath or to someone else - making sure I could hear him.

It finally brought me to tears and my husband said something to him the next time it happened. He made it clear it needed to stop. And, it did. But it's up to him to stop his family, just as it would be up to you if it was your family.

Good luck. I feel for/with you!
C.

S.,
I have had the MIL from hell for over 20 years. I tried so hard to make friends with her for over 10 years and finally realized it was never going to happen. Now that she is older she treats everyone that way she always treated me. I don't know if it is a mental disorder or if she is just mean.
So, please figure out how to limit contact with her. If not it will be damaging not only to you, but your children also. Don't feel guilty.
If you husband chooses to try to make her understand, it may help but I doubt it. My husband didn't at first. But later when he did, it didn't make any difference. At this point he goes to visit most of the time by himself.
One thing I am thankful for is that she has definitely taught me how not to be a MIL. I will be a much better one for it.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

It's simple human nature to defend oneself and "spin" the details to show how you are right when somebody tells you you're wrong. Your MIL does it, and so do I, and so do you. NOBODY can respond to being told what they "need" to do. And it prevents any of us from seeing the situation from another point of view.

So, if you REALLY want to be able to communicate with your MIL (and I'm not saying it's necessarily realistic to "want to talk to her about everything"), there is a great communication technique you can learn called Non-Violent Communication, or NVC. You can google these terms for more complete explanations and tips, but here's one application of the basic process that might fit your situation:

1. Listen respectfully to a criticism from your MIL (a challenge, but possible), and observe/summarize what you believe she said. Use non-judgemental language. "I hear you suggesting that because I do X instead of Y when my child does Q, you are worried that I could be harming this grandson that you love so much. Am I hearing you correctly?" Be prepared to adjust your statement until you are saying something you can both agree upon.

That step alone could surprise your MIL: she will feel the unexpected satisfaction of your attentive listening; she'll have her care for her grandson acknowledged, she'll see adult-to-adult communication modeled in a way that has perhaps never occurred to her as possible; in short, you will be meeting some of her emotional needs. She may even feel some sympathy for you as the well-meaning recipient of a harsh or narrow judgement.

2. Make an observation, and report your genuine feelings about it. Make sure you state feelings ("I feel mad, sad, glad when…") and not concepts (I feel you don't respect me when…"). Feelings just are, and are hard to argue with. Concepts are often a point of argument. The concepts come in a later step, stated as needs. First, get real about your feelings. Example: "I have noticed that you could be speaking to small child with that tone of voice. When I hear that, I feel furious, frustrated, and confused."

3. Tell what needs of yours are going unmet, such as: "You know, MIL, just like you, I need to be heard. Just like you, I have a longing for respect and consideration. I need to have my wisdom supported, not attacked. I want to learn how to strengthen the family connections that are becoming frayed. I want my children to experience a well-connected extended family.

4. Make a request that is within your MIL's reach. This might include: "I hope you will help me figure out how we can achieve that. It must surely be possible that there is more than one solution to a child-rearing problem, and so I want you to give me space to deal with my children the way that seems best to me. Here's a parenting book I've found useful. Will you read it too? Maybe we can find some common ground to build on."

My best to you, S.. You sound like a caring and conscientious mom. I hope you find a solution that works for this very common problem. NVC has helped me with interpersonal problems with my family.

I agree with others that hubby needs to step up to the plate for you, himself and your children because that is his family, which comes first. Probably the best thing you can do is be very succinct with her and not get into any arguments, just tell her like it is. If she doesn't like it or talks back, simply end the visit then and there. Keep doing this and maybe she will get the point. Let her know you and your husband are in charge of your children and she can only be a part of that if she respects you. If not, the visits will continue to be short or nonexistent until she can learn to bite her lip. If she truly wants to be a part of her grandchildren's lives, she should be willing to make some changes. If not, and your husband has done his part, then you have to decide how much you can take and how much you want to expose your kids to and base whatever visits you do allow on that.

I agree with Marcy's response. My ex is bi-polar and is the same way. The best thing you can do is to distance yourself and stop feeling guilty by trying to "fix" things. Forget it and move on. More than likely, she probably isn't intuitive enough to realize that she has a problem. Some bi-polars (I've learned) love chaos and making everyone around them miserable--they get a "high" from this. She probably believes that the problem is everyone else, but not her. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay away from her and surround yourself with positive people.

Best wishes,

M.

Yes, my mom is the same exact way. Your husband is right, it's who she is, and the absolute easiest thing to do is ignore, ignore, ignore. When she starts up on something negative (which is all the time, right?!), smile shrug and change the subject. Every single time. If your MIL is like my mom she will never, ever change and engaging her winds her up rather than cools her off. If she persists, ask her to leave. She will always be an attention seeker.

There have even been times where I've escorted my mom out of the house when she gets particularly bad about "My life is so bad because.... or You're such a bad mom because.... or your husband is a terrible person because.... " She just get so ugly in some of those rants!

Sorry you have to deal with this. It's not easy. The 5 step kids always engaged my mom and tried arguing, reasoning, talking etc. It's just their personality to engage her and argue or at least "address" everything she says. Big mistake. They never just ignored her and kept the conversation light. To this day the relationship is awful: they think she's deranged, and she believes they all hate her. Just remember it's her issue and nothing to do with you. GL!

I would first of all not assume that anyone who works your nerves has a mental issue or is bipolar. I was diagnosed in 1993 & believe me was in a very severe stage, but have since been married for almost 17 yrs & have two girls ages 6 & 12. Oh, and i also suffered thru the death of my mother 3 weeks prior to giving birth to my first child. I'm not trying to bite your head off, but coming from my side your request was kind of offensive.

My relationship w/my mother-in-law wasn't the greatest all the time, but we have both worked at it & she has learned to accept things. If she wants to see her son and grandchildren, there is a certain boundary you don't cross. Is your husband an only child or the only boy in the family. In my case my husband was the only son and they had him on such a pedestal. The only way things worked out for us was for my husband to put things out in the open and very clear that I am him choice and that's the bottom line. Today I don't know what i'd do w/out my mother-in-law. She has been such a blessing. She has never tried to replace my mother, but she is always there when i need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Last year my husband was diagnosed w/cancer and I think at that moment we both realized how the other was feeling. She has been my rock through this all and honestly if someone told me years ago that things would be this way, i'd say they were crazy.
Maybe one way of trying to deal w/ur mother-in-law would be to put all of the assumptions to the side, if she is suffering from any type of anything, try to get your husband to help her w/it. To just dismiss something as "the way they are" isn't really too acceptable these days. We choose how be behave and although we cannot change that part of people, we can always learn to change the way we react to them. Good luck and again i wasn't trying to be harsh.