My in Law's Ashes

I just think you need to wait. Grief is so different for everyone. I like that you'd make a quick decision and be over it. I wish everyone was like that! In the meantime, I'd stick them in a closet somewhere so you aren't reminded of it all the time. Then I'd go amend my will to say I want my ashes XXX within three days past the date of my death! :)

IMO, it's more important TO determine the acceptable disposition, not WHEN they do it.
And yes--the common cardboard packaging might seem irreverent, but the final disposition will determine the appropriate receptacle.

I have two boxes of ashes that have been sitting around the house for years. First they were in the shed, then I brought them into the living room for a while and now they are in a back room. One of these days I will scatter them somewhere. I'm not trying to hold onto them forever, I haven't been able to scatter them for various reasons. But it's not because I don't care.

So no, I don't think it's disrespectful.

It can sometimes take a while for people to feel comfortable with a decision regarding ashes. Years sometimes. And I don't think it's reasonable for you to put a timeline on your BIL's grief process - which includes deciding on a final resting place for the ashes.

I don't see anything disrespectful about having them at your house. If you don't like the boxes they are in, you could go to a store and find something prettier to put them in while your husband and BIL decide. But if you push them and they make a decision they later regret, it could effect your husbands relationship with his brother. So I think you should put the existing boxes into a bigger container that you think is nicer, and then let them take as much time as they need.

My husband has his mother's ashes in our living room. They've been here for 3 years. The plan was that he would scatter them in Colorado in the Rockies. He can't bring himself to actually schedule and make the trip. I'm not pushing him because he has mental health issues that make grief processing, an already messy process, much messier for him. In the spring I'll gently ask him (again) when we're heading to Colorado. In the meantime, I'll give him the space he obviously still needs.

Burial, scattering of ashes, etc. are all actions taken for the emotional comfort of the living, not the dead.
Honestly, I don't see how it can be considered disrespectful to the dead. Disrespect requires that the person being disrespected know of the disrespectful action. The dead don't know what is being done with their remains, so they don't care.

You are of course entitled to your feelings. I however would not see any urgency with this and certainly no disrespect to your in-laws.

My son passed away and on his birthday and Christmas my husband's aunt would go to the cemetery and leave stuffed animals. I know she did this to make herself feel better (and I think she thought it would make me happy because she always told me when she did this) but it actually made me sick to think of him in a coffin, buried in the ground. I wish she would have given those stuffed animals to kids in a children's hospital because he certainly wasn't enjoying them.

Eventually though I came to realize that grief is such an indivdual thing and we all grieve differently. "To each their own."

I don't think you are unreasonable however as much as you loved your in-laws they are not your parents and I think your husband and BIL should do what they see fit when they see fit.

I am sorry for your loss.

I personally don't see a problem with keeping them in the house until a decision is made. My grandfather "rested" in my parents' closet for years until everyone could agree on a final scattering place. No one thought it was disrespectful but then we aren't particularly religious or spiritual. Obviously no one had a problem with mom sitting in a box in the basement for 13 years so I'm guessing there isn't going to be a rush on this and that isn't disrespectful per se but there also isn't really a need to wait that long to make a decision. If after 3 years or so no decision has been made then you can push for one. Until then, just let this one go.

If you have a problem with the cremains being in a box then purchase an urn and have them sit in some 'honorable' place.

The box that the crematorium used is probably secure, but also probably does not feel special or respectful. I'd measure them both, and buy a nice wooden box and set both boxes inside. Then I'd just let your husband and his brother wait until they feel able to deal with this sensitive subject.

You can find pretty boxes at large furniture stores (in the accessories department, where they sell beautiful things to put on a coffee table - for decoration or to hold remote controls, for example). You can also find them at hobby and craft stores like Hobby Lobby, or online.

I understand what you mean about their ashes sitting in something that's utilitarian, not special. When you find a nicer box for the crematorium's boxes (I'd suggest keeping them as they are, not mixing them or transferring them out of the boxes they are already in to something else), simply put it away in a closet, or on a mantel, or on a shelf.

It wouldn't bother me.
I'd probably put both containers in a pretty box (something easy to dust) and sit them on the mantle piece until Hubby decided where to sprinkle them.
If having them in your living room bothers you then find a place for them that's less in your face where you won't have to see them every day - some people would be fine with garage, closet or attic.
Hubby might be having trouble getting around to do it because it's something that means it's final.
He'll do it when he's ready.

I guess I don't see the problem since you said your MIL ashes have been in the basement for 13 years and it wasn't an issue. If it makes you feel better, get them a nice urn in the mean time until it's decided on what's going to happen to them. And really it's just their ashes, their spirits are in a much better place. Good luck.

It would be a priority for me to find a final resting place, but that is a personal preference. When my brother died (as well as with my uncle and grandmother), we waited until after the cremation took place to have the memorial service. After the service, the family goes to the plot and buries them in the box they came in. Then we put up a nice headstone. But like I said, it's more a personal preference for us. We just don't like the idea of the ashes sitting around in a box for a long period of time.

When pete died (3 years ago in april), he wanted to be scattered WITH me at a special place of ours. I did have a lovely box made for them, and had his name carved in it.

When I got the box, I decided instead to keep some mementos and personal effects in the box. His ashes remain in the original box, in his bureau, in his sock drawer! We always had a running joke that he never had any clean socks, as I always 'stole' them (I have big feet!!).

I am in that drawer almost daily. I think they will stay there until my ashes can join his.
I agree to get a decorative box that can hold both sets...and give the brothers the time they need.

Best!

We put my brothers ashes in a nice area at my sisters church, but everyone had agreed to it.

My FIL's ashes are in my MIL's closet with instructions that when she passes we are to scatter both of them together on their property in PA. Don't be upset that your FIL kept the ashes in his office or a closet, I am sure he and his wife had a plan but maybe he forgot to share it with everyone else.

You can either get one urn (to fit both) or two separate urn's, store them in a closet or basement until it is decided of where to put them (it would not be disrespectful to store them). You show respect to the deceased by remembering them and celebrating the life they lived.

It's time your hubby and his brother set a date and decide where the final resting place will be.

i'm kinda with you. on the one hand, the deceased have gone onto whatever the next great adventure is, and i doubt they care. but i do think that respect for the dead is important, and if the ashes are going to be in limbo for a while, i think it would be a lovely gesture to place them in a beautiful receptacle of some sort.

my BIL's ashes are in that sort of limbo. my parents-in-law haven't been able to bear to have them interred yet (they're going to have him placed in their burial plot with them since he didn't have any arrangements made.) for the nonce he's on their living room shelf, in a beautiful box that my husband made specifically to hold his remains.

i don't know what the crematorium put your in-laws in, but i know that both my BIL and my grandmother-in-law were delivered in plastic bags. definitely not an appropriate long-term storage plan.

i think it's very nice that you are putting such consideration into this.

ETA like feline, my dh and i have decided we want to be scattered together, in a particular spot. so whomever goes first will be 'held' until the other joins him or her. but we haven't discussed what to do with the first set- that'll be up to the last one to go.
khairete
S.

I'm a little shocked that your fil didn't express his wishes All my kids know our plans for after we are no longer here. I think its almost unkind of leave it up to them to agree on what happens next.

In your case I'd probably stash the ashes in a closet for now and leave it up to your husband and his brother to figure out.

My mother in law's ashes came in a very nice wooden box. They were in a plastic bag inside the box. It's about the size of a shoe box. You could look in the boxes to see what the funeral home put them in. The container might not be adorable and cute and a pretty piece of decor but it would look nicer than an old box.

ON the OTHER hand, if they just put some ashes in a bag and put the bag in that box then they were disrespectful to those remains. I'd want them in something.

Does everyone realize this is not their entire remains? Just a portion for memories sake? Give some to brother and keep some or just hand them over and be done. Brother isn't dealing well with it all.

I'd probably by some sort of thing at a cemetery and put the remains there with a plaque or stone of some sort.

Is it possible to get a beautiful urn for them? While it may not be their "final" resting place, it would probaby be more "comfortable" then a box.

Sorry for your loss. No one is ever wrong for feeling the way they do. You're entitled to your feelings. If you're bothered by the simple box, find one that you can live with. Ultimately your husband will deal with this when he is ready. But I'm sure he would be ok with you buying a nicer box for them. It shows you care and if it makes you more comfortable, why not?

I had pet ashes for quite a while on my windowsill. That was for a pet. My husband would raise his eyebrows at me, but he respected I wasn't quite ready to put them in the garden. I wouldn't rush your husband. Everyone processes this stuff differently. And really, my feeling is that the scattering or burying of ashes is more to do with the people remaining saying goodbye than it is about the departed. That's just my thoughts anyhow.

I think you really have no horse in this race, let the brothers decide what to do with the ashes. If it seems they will be making an extended stay in your home then consider getting something more decorative to hold them.

I really don't see it as a matter of disrespect. My MIL passed when my husband was only 8. Her wish was to be with her boys so they split her between two boxes and each son has one. We took her remains from the plastic box and put her in a beautiful vase we got in Japan, but my BIL still keep her in the original box from the crematorium. I really don't see it as a big deal either way. The things that made the person who they were are long gone by the time ashes are sent home.

I think it's not unusual for loved ones to really have no idea what to do with the ashes, especially with the second death being so recent. If i were you, I would find a decorative box that both boxes can be put in so that it looks a little more thoughtful than something that's sitting around waiting to be returned to Amazon, kwim? Then your husband and his brother can take their time in figuring out what to do.

FWIW after my husband's mother died, his dad was supposed to scatter the ashes at sea and couldn't do it, so he bought a plot at a cemetery, headstone and all, and buried them there. I think it was almost a year before he decided. It's a tough decision and if the deceased didn't leave explicit instructions, it is something your husband and his brother will want to put some thought, care and time into. It's also very final though, so putting off the decision for a lot of people helps delay the final good-bye. But in the meantime, you can put the boxes in a temporary larger box that gives them a little more respect.

if they want the memory to live on they could donate a tree and have the ashes put in the hole first so that mom and dad become fertilizer for the tree and they will have the lasting tree there for the memory.

For what it's worth, my husband's grandmother's ashes have been in a ZIPLOCK BAG on the shelf of our corner cabinet behind the basket we keep our bills in! We were given some (probably half?) of her ashes since we live near NYC to go sprinkle them someplace up here (she lived up here most her life, then moved to TX when she was probably in her fifties). Needless to say she has kind of been put on the back burner and I didn't think about how weird it was until my mother and I were discussing someone else having ashes just sitting on a shelf. We are going to take care of this soon, but she's been sitting there probably four years or so already.

My husband's grandmother was Catholic, so her ashes were placed in an urn, then the urn was interred in a crypt made for that reason in the cemetery.

It sounds like your husband doesn't much care, but his brother does. Why not hand off the boxes to him? He can settle whatever in his own time and you don't have to think about it anymore.

I'm not sentimental about these things and don't have a religion that dictates how cremains are handled. My will specifies that I'm to be cremated and the ashes should be disposed of by the crematorium. That will eliminate any kind of angst or difficulty others might have had about what to do.