Help Planning a Light, Simple, Heartfelt Memorial

My father passed in May after a long illness. We had a memorial service and what I appreciated the most was seeing all of his friends and former colleagues and hearing their memories of him. It was interesting to see my dad through their eyes. Seeing all the people gathered and hearing all of their kind stories reminded me of the way my father was before the illness and showed me how admired he was. That was the best remembrance I could hope for. Good-luck.

When my parents passed away, for each of them we had a quiet 'service' in my sister's living room. We did have a minister read some passages and a couple of favorite poems that held meaning for them. And we told stories. Whatever memories sprang into mind. We laughed and cried and celebrated their lives. A cousin who was there remarked that it was exactly what she wanted some day. As do I. Simple. Celebrating life. Remembering. Honoring. Loving. - You'll find what's just right for you. Feel your way into it.

the balloon idea is beautiful, but it will endanger birds of prey (they attack the balloons and get tangled in the mylar.) how about everyone sharing memories about him, then writing them down, burning them, and putting the ashes in with your stepdad's? or mixing them with good soil and planting them under a memory tree, thus allowing the earth to slowly transform these memories into a new and beautiful form? the main thing is to have everyone come together to share memories, laughter and tears, bring it to some sort of ritual climax (burning, burying, releasing) and then grounding with a meal.
i love the clean simplicity of what you're doing here. my condolences, and sincere hopes that it goes well and is meaningful for you all.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry for your loss.
At my stepfathers service we had a guy that did a dove release and it was so beautiful! I'll bet a local funeral director can get you information for someone in your area that can do it. You could have everyone stand & share their memories, then do the dove release. We had music with the release "You Lift Me Up" by Josh Groban.
Also, there are companies that make jewelry (necklaces) that hold a tiny bit of cremated remains. Your mom and/or some of his family might like that as a way to keep him close.

I like the balloon idea. You should look at what was something that your stepdad was really passionate about??

My Father in law passed away about 2 years ago. He was a race car announcer and loved nothing more than to be at the races. A few months before he passed away, His beloved dog Passed.
Both the dog & my FIL ended up being cremated.

A little while after his death the local race track had a Memorial Race in his honor. During which my hubby & his father's closest friends Spread his ashes on the infield of the race track. It was really beautiful.
Oh and they thought it was fitting to also spread his dog's ashes there so they could be together.
Even though it wasn't technically allowed...

I really like the ballon idea, we did something similar when my FIL passed away but on ocean with boats. With the ballons every one can write a note and attach to send to him. As far as the ashes go my MIL kept a little of my FIL. At costco.com they have earns and they also have mini ones to keep. She kept a mini one filled with a little of his ashes so she still has part of him. Honestly I say she plan what she wants and if his family feels they need something bigger then they can plan it. Everyone has to have closure their own way. After the ballon thing you can always just have who ever wants over to the house for sandwhiches and stuff, or make a picnic out of the ballon release. Hope thi helps and so sorry for you and your families loss, love and ((HUGS))

I am sorry for your loss, and at the same time happy for you that your mother is healing. I can appreciate the idea of simplicity and closure. There are so many things that are symbolic of closure. Your mama wanting to drive into the hills leads me to think something out doors will be nice.
I like the thought of doing something symbolic of going back to nature. How about releasing doves? If there is water somewhere (river, beach, etc) how about tossing floating flowers or something and watching them float away? i also like the idea of going somewhere and planting seeds or a tree. I was at a memorial once where we planted seeds near a forest area, everyone said a goodbye as they put their seed in the ground, as the flowers grew it was a peaceful reminder and sight of the new beginnings that can come from great loss.
Most importantly do what ever feels right to each individual. If people wanna talk, let them talk, if they don't want to they don't have to. Closure and grief is definitely and individual process.
May whatever your family chooses bring you peace and healing in this painful time.

Something nice would be releasing a pair of doves in his memory or even butterflies which are a sign of peace. Do it in your backyard or at a nice park, have her say a few words or someone else say a few word, share a nice poem or a scripture from the Bible. That's it. The balloons thing isn't really environmentally safe and at least the butterflies or birds would be a nice touch

I am so sorry for your loss. How tragic for all of you. I hope your moms recovery goes well.

Did they have a special place in town that they liked to visit? Maybe a park, or pond? You could all go and release just a small amount of the ashes at the end of a gathering with all of you there. Place them in a small container.

Maybe say a few words. Then like Sarah says, let whoever wants to say anything say it, share it sing it. You could also hire a student musician to attend and play an acoustical guitar as people arrive and leave.

The balloon release is done all of of the time by Hospice for grieving children. It is done where each child says or thinks of their loved one and then releases their balloon (rubber) . It is a visual for them to see it fly.

At one of the memorials for my stepmom's daughter they released a "dove" (actually a white homing pigeon) . There is a company here in town that rents them. You will receive it in a box on the day of the memorial.. They all said her full name opened the box and the dove flew up and back to its home.. It was very touching..

Just make the memorial what YOUR mother wants and needs. Others will understand.

Youd could create a memory book...

Have each family member or frind produce their own memory page, and send it to you or your mother. Then take the pages to a copier and have them color copied, laminated, and bound so that each person would have their own copy of it. Your mother can make her own opening and closing page, and put some memories in between the other pages to fill it in. And she doesn't have to move around, she can do most of it from at a table.

Once the book is ready, have everyone get together in a park or mountain, and you can go through the book together and share your memories of him, ending the "ceremony" with a candle lighting or balloon release.

I am also sorry for the loss of a loved one and for the hard times your mother will face with all the first's without him. My husband passed away after a long and courageous fight with cancer, I don't know what I would done if it had been sudden. I am a minority it seems but we release balloons in his memory with the grandchildren each time we go to the cemetary.
If you release the askes at a future time please check with your mortician about the current laws. We were told that we could not bury him in calif. w/o notifing the state, and had to sign a paper saying we would not release his ashes with out such notification. So keep this in your mind for future information. We have been to several services that were held at a golf course, model airplane field, off a battleship that was being restored, all with a simple lunch and the sharing of pictures. We asked for written or oral memories of my husband and we made a copy for his mother and myself. If he was so thrilled by his hobbies there must be a historical building of that hobby near you ask and they may let you meet there for free and view the trains etc, or if he was a member of a club check with them and see if they can help. This is a hard thing and a painful one but it really does help to have closeure and a way of sending your thoughts heavens ward and hopes that your mother and grandmother will be given peace. It is great that you are helping with this. I know that this will be hard but you might find out what his mother needs to see done and find a compromise between the two. Please tell your grandmother and mother for me, that the thing that got me thru it all was a statue I got from Precious Moments: that is called NO TEARS, it reminds me that there are no tears in heaven only rejoicing for the one who has come back home. The tears are for this side for all we miss and have lost and years to spend w/o our loved one. But as we cry here there is family that is welcoming his back into the family circle in heaven. I hope that you will all be xtra tender with one another.

Is there a nice place that your step-dad really enjoyed visiting? Perhaps go there and just enjoy the scenery, and visit as a family. Talk about the things you remember about him. If it's your 'thing' sing some songs... or whatever will help you remember and honor his memory.

I am very sorry for your loss. My Dad died on August 4th and we had his memorial service on August 20th (he was also cremated). While our service was in a catholic church, we had a reception following for which my husband made a digital slide show which people really enjoyed. I made a large photo board and received many comments on how nice it was to see those photos. On one of the tables we had 2 flower arrangements in coffee mugs that he used which had special meaning to him (one had old british racing cars - his hobby, and one was from a big award he won). We also had some model cars and trains on the table. Just some things that meant something to him and represented him. My 4 year old daughter put her Thomas train there and her "My Grandpa is Great" book.
While releasing helium balloons may look beautiful, they are a major problem for wildlife, particularly aquatic wildlife. Having a picnic at a beautiful park location and asking people to bring a favorite photo and a written memory to put in a scrapbook would be a wonderful keepsake for your Mom. You could even do something digitally with the scrapbook so that a CD could be shared with others.
Good luck,
C.

After my mom died and was cremated, we held a memorial service at our home for family and a few neighbors. Mother had moved to CA from WA so she didn't know many people other than the family and close neighbors. We also had a service on the ship that the Neptune Society had that took us to the ocean out of San Francisco where her and our dad's ashes were scattered.
At both services/celebrations of their lives, we had songs poetry and memories both planned and and spontaneous by those gathered. There was a printed (copied on printer) program with pictures and in the house a lot of old photos of her (their ) lives..It was very special and even the young children participated..Afterwards we had a nice lunch which was prepared by family members.

Blessings on your family. No balloons though..Ashes can be kept or buried or scattered.

N. J

You have my condolences. My Dad died about three weeks ago. We are burying his ashes (you can bury an urn anywhere) on his property, we will have an small gathering (he requested no service) of immediate family, and create a grave site with flowers and a headstone and everything. I was thinking you could do that anywhere. You could have memorials all around an urn anywhere. On the mantle, on a table, wherever she will keep the ashes till she is ready, if ever, to let them go. some people keep urns in their home forever (well, you know what I mean). You can still make it semi-formal if you want to with the getting dressed up, sitting for a speach or what have you. Well, good luck. I'll be thinking about you.

Ask each person to email you photos of your stepdad and to write down a fond memory of him. The writings can be assembled into a packet that can be handed out to everyone at the memorial and you can put together a slideshow of your stepdad to commemorate his life. Make copies and give a CD to each person who attends. Have the memorial at a spot that was special to him (outdoors or indoors). Keep weather conditions in mind when planning this. I love the helium balloons idea...wonderful way to end it.

I am so sorry for the tragedy that your family has experienced. It is important that people be allowed to celebrate his life and the closing of his life. When my father passed I was unable to be at his service. Instead, I asked friends who had known him while we were growing up to gather together and plant a tree in my yard as a memory of him.This is a wonderful reminder of him each time I look out my window and especially in the spring when it blooms. Each person invited was in advance to share a memory of him, or read a poem or special writing that celebrated life's journey. One friend sang a song. While I felt very comfortable leading this ceremony, there are officiants in each community who can be called upon for a nominal fee to assist if she would rather delegate.

I also had bird seed available for people to scatter as a metaphor for the scattering of his ashes that was being done in another state. After the ceremony, I served lunch and people continued to celebrate life and share stories. I also had a book people could write in to express their thoughts. This has become a personal treasure.

I am not a fan of balloons being released as there are doves, butterflies, ladybugs, etc. that can be released that are less detrimental to the environment. Released balloons litter the environment after their air is gone, and pose a great hazard to animals and birds that may become entangled in the string or eat the rubber.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You have received many good suggestions. We attended a memorial service last year where butterflies were released, rather than balloons. Each person in attendance was given a small, triangular envelope with a live butterfly enclosed and at a designated time, we all opened the envelopes and the butterflies flew out. I like the idea of gathering someplace that was somehow meaningful to your stepdad and having anyone who would like to say a few words, whether you release anything or not. Hugs.