My Husbands Ex

Sorry, I think you're wrong. Can you imagne if some day your daughter marries a man who tells you who you can or can not invite into YOUR home? That's absurd. I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me, but the problem is yours, not theirs, and is therefore yours to deal with, not theirs.

She is the mother of their grandchild. She seems to be the custodial parent of their grandchild. And she was a part of their family for a time. They have every right to a relationship with any person on earth, no matter how it makes anyone else feel.

Like I said, it would bother me, too. I'm not saying your wrong to feel what you do, but you don't have the right, nor does your husband, to tell any adult with whom they can have a relationship.

Honey, I will tell you like this, when it comes to ex's and in-laws it SUCKS! Personally, I believe the only reason the ex is coming around is to create trouble for you and your husband. She's not that concerned with the father being sick, because if she were, she would've been coming around all along. So, put that out of your mind. She's not that concerned. Secondly, be aware of the tactics that mother in-laws use when it comes to daughter in-laws. You must remember that she's just a WOMAN, and you know how we as women can be….very catty. Downright buttholish is a better term, so use what you know being a woman to understand what's going on between them. Don't get angry with your husband about this. You said he let them know how he felt about it. They didn't respect his wishes, so you still be you and do the things that you've always done. Don't allow the ex to change your life in no way, shape, or form. Don't you give her that power, because once you do, she has you, and now your household is in an uproar due to her, and she will love it. Actually, this will be a GREAT time for you and your husband to push the negative people out of your life. Like I said, still be who you are, and do the things you've always done, but as far as what goes on within your household, keep it between you and your husband. Nobody needs to know your business, because believe me, it's being discussed. You can't control others ways, or homes, but you can control yours. You and your husband have that power. So, now you're eyes are being opened to the real mother-in-law. If she acts differently towards you now, they're talking about you, and whatever goes on in your household. Take it as a good thing, because now you know what you're really dealing with. Still go see your father-in-law, but don't allow that nonsense (the ex being around) alter your character. When SHE realizes that it doesn't bother you and your husband, she will leave. Because every time your husband expresses his hatred, or concern about her being there, the mother-in-law tells her. Oh yea, BTW I've been dealing with butthole in-laws for 13 years, so trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I have some stories that will blow your mind away….I hope this helps you, and keep your power girl. You are in control of this, because when the ex goes away, and she will when she sees nothing she's trying is working, guess who the mother-in-law is going to run to??? People never realize that when you treat someone wrong, it comes back to you. So remain you, and watch what happens.

I personally just went through the same situation; however, I was the EX. My Ex MIL was diagnosed last year with terminal cancer and I was crushed. Although her son and I had been divorced for 10 years, I still loved her, she loved her Grandchild and made it clear that no matter what I would ALWAYS be her girl. She was a wonderful woman, always there for me and even embraced my new husband and our child as her own. Luckily, my current husband was wonderful during this situation. He knew that it was not about my EX is was about the love for my MIL. We would ALL go and visit her and there was a time that we all spent the night, EX included at her house. If he had any bad feelings, he never showed it, all he did was support me and my daughter because we were hurting and knew what was to come. In the big scheme of things this is NOT about YOU. This is about your husband losing his Father and his children losing a their Grandparent. The whole family has enough pain in their heart right now without you being jealous about an Ex-Wife. They may love her, your husband divorced her they did not. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but during times like this, save the drama. Just be there for your husband and love him and support him, it is his father after all. No matter how much you hate her, she was a big part of their lives long before you came along, that doesn't just go away especially if their are children involved. My MIL passed away in Feb. and there is not a day that I don't think about her. I am so grateful that I had the chance to see her and be apart of her life up until the end, let your husband have that same peace.

Don't become bitter. She was part of the package when you married your husband. That angry is spewing onto your step-son. Its not fair for him. It should as a harmious situation as possible.
Maybe she is natural a self absorbed person but everyone has some good in them. She likes your in laws. Look for the good in her and let go of the anger towars her.
Getting along is always better than strife.

I know it hurts, but if they want her there, there's nothing you can do about it. Be gracious and let it go. Holding on to anger and resentment hurts you, not her. And, if her motives are to upset you, and she sees it's not working, maybe she will back off. I would quit looking out the window, and, when I wanted to visit them, I would call, and ask if I could come over, or when is a good time to visit ininterrupted. Try to be the gracious one, or she will paint you as the villian.

I know it is hard, but this woman (your husband's ex) was your in-law's daughter for years and is the mother of their grandson. Pancreatic cancer is very serious, and if your FIL is facing a terminal disease then it is his right to spend his time how and with whom he wants. It may be hard, but you need to let this go. Especially if your insistence to your husband is causing problems in an otherwise healthy marriage. She is not a threat to your marriage if your husband is as upset that she is over there as you say, so let it be. Try to enjoy the time you can and be there for your in-laws in this very difficult time. They will appreciate you letting everyone focus on what is important (your father-in-law) rather than petty differences and concern over her visits.

It's their house! How would you like someone to tell you who to allow over and who not to. If your husband can't stand her then why should this be causing problems between you guys. In other words, it seems you have the problem. Just let it go....it is none of your business who they let in or not.

your inlaws have the right to see whom ever they want. its there house. you really need to let it go. they dont need the added burden of trying to keep the peace. i am actually on your parents side. it sounds very childish to me the way your behaving. they are grown adults if they want drama to come over and visit then thats what they can do. they dont seem to be complaining about the amount of time you all are not spending over there are they? if not you might want to revaluate your behavior. good luck. sorry your in this icky situation.

Though I think it is rude that your in-laws do not appreciate your feelings, they are right as far as it is their house and she is visiting them. She is still the mother of one of their grandchildren and maybe they just don't want to be rude to her. I was divorced and went to visit my ex in-laws because even though my ex and I did not stay married, I always adored his parents and I wasn't going over there to see my ex or find out about my ex, but just to show them I still cared and even with a divorce they were still a big part of my life. Don't let her bother you. You are better than that. I always have been very nice to my ex's wife. Why not? I divorced her husband and she now has him which turned out better for us all. I dont' think your ex's think any less of you and like you say, just don't go over when she is there. Live your own life and stop worrying about what they are talking about or doing. I bet if you drop the subject it will all die down. Right now you are telling them what they can or should do and no one likes that. So just go about your own life and stop letting it get to you. She will eventually go away. Good Luck to you.

Hi L.,

This is about your FIL, not you or your husband. I am sure your MIL is not willing to send anyone away who wants to spend what may be their last times with him. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst ones to have. You and your husband should put this behind you and get over there to visit too.

It's good for your marriage that at least you and your husband are on the same page.

Your in-laws are allowed to see her at their discretion. Not much you can do about that. Be the bigger person.

My only concern is your husband not getting to spend more time with his dad right now because he is uncomfortable being over there. He might consider having a heart-to-heart with them (not confrontational; I don't know the tone of the conversation the last time he spoke with them about this) explaining how he really needs more time with his dad, but can't bear that the time he spends with him now is going to be remembered as being emotionally uncomfortable if he goes over there while she is there. He'll end up remembering his ex rather than his dad when he thinks of this time.

If this IS a concern of your husband's, he'll have to be careful in how he approaches them because if they detect an accusatory tone AT ALL, they'll respond defensively and he might end up with even less of this special time with his dad.

They ARE allowed to have a relationship with her, but if she is staying long hours and interfering with their time with their son, then their loyalty to their son should come first.

Same thing everyone else has pretty much said, so I'll add my little piece:
Pancreatic cancer works fast. For those unfamiliar with it, someone is labeled as a survivor if they live for two years after diagnosis--even if they die from it later. Most people are diagnosed with some small number of _months_ left. So, you don't have to go over there when she's there, but you do need to be there with them! You can bet that, if she hasn't had a change of heart (which, even if she has, may be more towards them than towards you), she'll be gone once he is. That's when your mother-in-law is going to need at least as much support as she has now!
Don't put yourself in a position where you're going to regret all the time you missed, and if that means you pass each other at the front door, smile, greet her graciously, and if you're feeling particularly acrimonious, take a tip from Japanese housewives who find out their husbands are cheating--thank her for taking such good care of your in-laws. Just don't make it harder on them yourself. It's not easy; you're not a bad person for feeling the way you do at a time like this! Good luck.

As hard as it is. Always take the high road. It will make you stand out as a person that is gracious and good at heart.

We can only guess why she is there. You have told your MIL how you feel, but it is her home. The ex is the mother of their grandchild. She will always be in your lives. As a gift to your family, let it go.

The lady is a pain and everyone knows that, do not stoop to that level. Quit looking out the window and instead look inside your own home and comfort those that are about to suffer one of the worst losses in their lives. The terrible death of a loved one.

Pancreatic Cancer is supposed to be one of the most painful forms of cancer. Save your energy to help and be of comfort.
I am sending you patience and strength.

Hi L.,

I know this must be a tough situation, but you are just going to have to let it go. If your in-laws are allowing her to be there, that is their business. I know you probably don't want to admit this, but it sounds like you might be dealing with a little jealousy. Jealousy will eat you alive. Do not give her the satisfaction! I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws, but maybe you should work on your relationship with them if it's not great.

As far as her taking you guys to court to have the child support order modified-the judge will allow for that, based on evidence that there is a need to increase the amount. As the custodial parent, she has a right to make sure that your husband is taking care of his responsibility to their child.

Also, you mentioned that she just started coming around since your FIL was diagnosed with cancer, and her actions might be truly heartfelt. This is not your judgement call. But as someone who has had to deal with similar situations, I can tell you that you need to let it go. If you don't you will become bitter and resentful, and it will spill into all areas of your life. And I'm sure that would just make her day. Don't let it happen! I have had to let go and forgive so many hurtful things, and it just about killed me, but it was so worth it! Your children (especially your stepson) need to see that you can have a decent relationship with this woman, It is absolutely crucial. Sorry to go on and on, but I have been in an almost identical situation, and I can tell you that forgiving and letting go is far superior to holding onto your negative feelings. Every day you will have to make a conscious choice to not place value on her actions, and it may take a while, but you can do it. Sometimes you will have to do it minute by minute, but it can be done. Keep your chin up, and a smile on your face : )

K.

Maybe she is there everyday, because she is greedy and thinks that if she plays nice she will get something from them, monetarily, if he should die.
I know its mean... but some people are that way.

her behavior of visiting them EVERY day, has only been, since he has been sick with cancer... maybe she is either really genuinely remorseful and caring... or the opposite. You said she is manipulative... so anything could be her "agenda."
Or maybe she and they, made amends with her in-laws/each other.

But, he is your FIL too, and your Hubby's Dad... you need to spend time with him too. It is important, for your FIL. Though it is hard, because of your Husband's ex. FIL's condition should be the priority... his health and well-being. Not problems or tiffs between family.

I agree with the sister and in laws. It doesn't seem the in laws are trying to hurt your feelings. This is a very hard time on them and they really don't need extra drama/feelings brought into the mix.

You can tell them how it makes you feel but in the end if they say "Whatever happens in their home is nobody's business" they are absolutely right.

And it is true when people are ill the people that were never around show up. Maybe she wan'ts her son to spend more time with his grandpa, or help him understand whats going on.

If you can't suck up your feelings about this situation you and your husband might miss out on some precious time with your FIL.

I agree with your mother in law this is there house and for some reason this lady feels she now needs to be part of this family. I suggest your husband and you both mention to both his parents that you are just next door and can help with anything they need, but will refrain from going over when she is there. Then you and your husband keep yourself busy doing other stuff and do not give it a second thought. If you want to walk in right after yourhusband gets out of work , walk over and say hi to both of them see if they need anything and then just go home. The less you make of it the better it will be for all, who knows this may be enough to keep her from coming over.

Girl, you are preaching to the choir when you tell me this. Bottom line, your in-laws are right. Neither you nor your husband has the right to dictate what goes on in their house, and you'll only make things worse and drive a wedge between them and you the more you fuss about it, especially if she is being pleasant. This might sound harsh, but I am very familiar with pancreatic cancer, and your father-in-law won't be here much longer. Do your part to keep the air around him pleasant. Deal with your frustrations in your house. Do not hold it against your husband, because that is silly; he is not in control of this, and it's not his right or responsibility to "put his foot down". The only thing that you two can control or even have the right to control is how you respond to it. When it comes to my husband's ex, I try to avoid talking to her, but occasionally we will find ourselves breathing the same air. It's not even close to fun, but it is sometimes necessary. Yep, it's difficult when your feelings are strong and you believe that everyone should treat her like you want to treat her. It's not your call, though, and you have to figure out how to separate your feelings from what's going on.

My grandfather passed away from pancreatic cancer about two years ago and I will tell you that people come out of the woodwork for one or two reasons. Either they are looking for their handout that he worked so hard for all his life or they genuinly are looking to spend those last days developing on their relationship with that person in hopes they can hold onto those good memories of the person and allow the person to know that they were loved by them.
I have an uncle that was no where in the picture for years. My mother and myself transported my grandfather back and forth to the doctors and my mother would call him and ask for help and there was always an excuse as to "why" he couldn't help out the family. Finally when they officially diagnosed my grandfather with the pancreatic cancer and he began to get sicker and sicker he up and quit his job and moved in with my grandparents to "care" for his daddy. My grandfather worked himself to the bones but pinched every single penny most of his life when he died he left with over a million dollars to his name. The good part is my grandmother doesn't have to worry about money. The bad part is you can see the dogs standing outside the door with their tongues hanging out just waiting for the handout when they never even paid no attention in the first place until my grandfather was diagnosed-some of the dogs are actually on the inside of the house which makes it even worse. My uncle is paid a salary by my grandparents and he does nothing but sit on the computer all day. My mother goes over there even though she works a full-time job and loads the dishwasher and cleans up. He waits on HIS wife to come home from work to cook dinner. My grandmother who tembles uncontrolably makes his lunch every day. I have a huge problem with that because he is getting paid to play on a computer all day-meanwhile others that already work outside the home are doing most of the grunt work.
This sort of thing can tear a family apart-trust me I have seen and experienced it first hand. My uncle is a drunk and smokes pot and acts like he is a 15 year old and throws tantrums because he never gets a break. It was HIS choice to quit his job and care for my grandparents...now my grandmother since my grandfather has passed. Not anyone elses and he pushed everyone away when he tried to control the situation and refused to give my grandfather morphine because he stated it made him sicker. He gave my grandfather pot in hopes to "heal" him even though my Grandfather in his right mind would have NEVER EVER EVER agreed to doing something like that. My grandfather would lie there groaning in pain -yet he would sit there and rub his arm and refuse to give him pain meds-yet had no problem giving him an illegal drug against my Grandfathers sound mind and will/ Furthermore never discussing with the remainder of the family-he just did it. Even without my grandmother knowing about it until after the fact and when she found out she raised cain about it.
With all of this in mind you don't really know what her intentions are unfortunately but don't deny her of a relationship with her own son's flesh and blood grandfather. You didn't say whether or not she was going over there with the son but perhaps she wants to give to her son as well as her son's grandfather a chance to create memories so that her son will remember him in his adult life. You never know what type of influence a grandfather can have in a grandchild's life. Don't deny them of that. Put your own jealousy and heartache on the backburner and concentrate on being the better person. If it were me I would bake dinner and tramp over there while she was there with a smile on my face. Have you ever heard of the saying you can catch more flys with honey rather than vinegar? I think that is the correct saying-lol! Anyways I am quite sure you catch my point here. You never know what could sprout because you put your own pride and jealousy down and I think that would make your father-in-law the most proud and at ease of leaving this earth knowing that everyone in his family whether they are still together or not are about love rather than hate and trife. Her intentions might be malicious but that is not of your concern-you still show her love because if that is indeed her intentions she will have to feel the wrath of god come down on her.
Sorry to go on and on but this really hits close to home in a way because I have walked down this road as well but in a different way but in the end the anger, resentment, bitterness, jelousy-its all the same and it will tear the family apart into shreds but for yourself you have to let that go. Otherwise this life of your own will be a hard one because that sort of thing will eat you alive. Most importantly you need to pray about the situation because if her intentions are not well intended to your in-laws God sure does have his own way of revealing that to others-lol! However its on HIS time not ours. You know the truth and the truth always prevails in the end.

I kknow its hard to hear and to deal with - however - so far most of what I read is pretty much what I would tell you.
This is not about you or your husband - this is about your in-laws. It is their house and if they are comfortable with her coming by - they that is something you have to deal with. It is not your choice. It is not your house - it is theirs.
If you want to deal with it - then you and your husband need to keep your relationship tight and faith in each other first and foremost. Then you sho everyone that you are dedicated an united as one.
When he gets home allow him to go whwther you are able to go or not.
If you want to be there before then or even before she shows up - then go.
Do not allow HER to have control of your relationships - keep your feelings to yourself - right now your in-laws have enough on their plate - this petiness is not something they need to deal with.

I agree w/the person that said she's trying to create trouble and could she also be possibly be trying to get in his good graces b/c he is ill and she has ulterior motives? It's sad to say but a lot of time, people get greedy when a loved one has a serious illness, especially if they are not blood related. I think it's fishy that all of these years there was an unpleasant relationship w/them and now all of a sudden, they are the best of friends. I would gently talk to your mother in law and SIL and kind of try to put them in your shoes, see how they would feel if they were in your position now. Aside from that, I agree w/Stacey B's advise, start going over there, both him and you...make yourself at home and act like its' your home too, she'll probably start to shorten her visits. She may be intentionally staying over there b/c maybe she's heard that you are getting upset about it. Is she remarried or unhappy in her current relationship? Hopefully her only intention is to spend time w/your FIL and nothing else. If you feel like that's the reason, then you will just have to bear with it. Sorry. Take care and good luck.

Good luck to you.

i agree with kristi, there's nothing you can really do about it since you have already spoken to the in-laws about it. Now if and when your husband gets tired of it, he will tell them. but what can you do. it sounds to me like she's hoping to get a piece of something if you FIL passes!(GOD forbid). As long as she doesn't come to your door just try and let it go. I know it's hard my boyfriends ex's ( he has children by them) are the same way. Calling his mom and sister's and it irks the HELL out of me but what can I do. They just know for their own safety that my house is a HUUUUGGGGGEEE NONO! I don't care if their children are here or not, DON'T COME TO MY DOOR FOR ANYTHING! so just pray on it and say a few serenty now's and hopefully she will take her trifling behind on somewhere. i wish you the best of luck.