My Husband Is an Alcaholic,

Need more info. Does he acknowledge the drinking is a problem? Is it daily? Does it interfere with his work/parenting etc? Go to Al Anon for now.

I would say you have to get over it. however if he is an alcholic.. he needs to seek treatment. AA or something.

I suggest that you have a larger problem than your husband kissing another woman if he's an alcoholic. I wonder if you're focusing on the kiss so that you don't have to think of the difficulties caused by being married to an alcoholic.

I also suggest that in the grand scheme of life, a single kiss while drunk has no meaning. He didn't have an affair. Does he have a relationship with her at all? I do not think that a single kiss even while sober would have any sort of importance. What matters is your relationship with him as a whole.

L.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

getting drunk and kissing another W. does NOT make your husband an alcoholic.

You need to make the decision. No one else can make it for you.
How did you find out about the kiss?
Was it someone he knows, works with, etc.?
Why would you let ONE KISS get in the way of a marriage? Stuff happens. You gonna bail when the tough times hit?

You don't say how long you have been married.
You don't say how many kids you have together.
You don't say if this is the first time he has gotten stupid drunk or if it's a common thing.

If he is an alcoholic - is he willing to admit it? Is he willing to get help? If not? then yeah...I might leave. However, MY marriage vows said "in sickness and in health"....my first marriage ended after repeated adultery on his part....

You sound young. And sounds like you have the "happily ever after" dreams in your head. Life is hard. You will have good times and bad times. You will have times that SUCK and make you feel like you are going to break...you will have times that are sooo awe-inspiring that you can't see walking down the road of life with anyone else....

You need to give your marriage a chance before you walk away. This means counseling. Forgiveness...none of us are perfect. IF he is an alcoholic (everyone's definition of an alcoholic is different...mine is - a person who CANNOT go ONE DAY without a drink. Who HAS to have a drink to "feel right" and NEEDS that drink...will lie, cheat and steal to get that drink....) and won't admit it and becomes violent and irresponsible? Then yeah...consider leaving...there is much to consider...I'm not in your shoes. I don't know what you are looking for - perfection - or what....I can say that marriage is NOT easy...it's HARD WORK!!!

If he's truly sorry for it, I'd let it ride this time, but would definitely make sure I was with him if he's going to be drinking in the future with others.
Drunk people do stupid stuff sometimes, I do believe everyone gets ONE chance at stupid tho.
If he's not going to quit drinking and is going to continue to do things without you with him.... You probably need to leave him now -- things will only escalate.

Do What YOU feel you need to do to be Happy! No advice anyone can give you will help you Heal yourself.“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

Interesting first question..

Interesting 1st question.... a bit of red flags here for me but I'll bite...

The main issue is if he is truly an alcoholic. Getting plastered and kissing someone does not mean you are an alcoholic. If you are plastered daily, then he may be an alcoholic.

Figure out your priorities but I'd be more concerned with him being alcoholic than kissing someone when he probably does not even remember it due to his level of intoxication.

Note to be rude but it would be a lot easier to decipher what you are saying if you used complete words instead of abbreviations or whatever it is you call what you used.

Kissing another woman does not make you an alcoholic, it makes you a cheater.

L.

(I also advice that when you get back to school next week you work on your spelling! . Really. Drunk. Another. Can't. Want. Marriage. Phew!)

The fact that he's an alcoholic would bother me a whole lot more than him kissing someone while he's plastered.

Is this the straw that breaks the camel's back? In other words, are you so fed up with his alcoholism that this is just another one of his assaults on your senses and marriage? Like waking up passed out in his vomit, parking the car in the front yard, or going to work still drunk in the morning?

You should be looking at this as a total package instead of as a kiss. That's my advice.

Perhaps what you ought to do is tell him that either he goes to AA meetings or you two will end up separated.

Good luck,
Dawn

If your not sure you wont stay in the marriage. Suggestion is to ask yourself do you want too? How much have you invested in it, kids? is he violent? If you cant handle that he kissed another woman while drunk. You def wont be able to handle anything else he does, like drive, hit and what ever else his drunken state allows him to do. Time to give an ultimatum. Get help or get out.

I agree that the big issue here is his alcoholism, and the kiss is secondary.

I do have to say, from personal experience, that I believe that even while drunk, you are very much aware of your actions.

As a young woman, I'd say around 19 or 20, my girlfriend and I went to Tijuana to drink and dance the night away. I was so incredibly plastered when we crossed the boarder to head home. There were a couple guys my friend knew that approached us while in line waiting to cross. After we crossed, my friend called her mother to pick us up and the guys kept us company while we waited for our ride.

I remember the guy talking to me was flirting with me. He had picked me up and sat me on a ledge and started trying to kiss me. He wedged himself between my legs and was being very aggressive. I started laughing at him and telling him no! He wasn't listening to me. I started calling for my friend who had walked a lil ways down talking to his friend. I continued to tell him no. He still was pushing himself on me. So I grabbed his shirt and began ripping it, then I grabbed him by the nipples and started twisting as hard as I could. I just kept laughing and telling him that I said no! As he started asking me to stop and saying ouch and calling my friend over, her mother pulled up. He moved out of the way and I jumped down and ran to the car.

Even though I was out of my mind drunk, I knew that I did not want to kiss that guy and I did not let him take advantage just because I was drunk.

My point is that I believe your husband was very much aware of what he did when he kissed that woman.

I also agree that you should go to alanon and seek counseling of some sort.

Best of luck to you.

If he's actually an alcoholic, as in, he is drunk all the time, every day, you have bigger problems than your husband kissing another woman. If he got really drunk a few months ago, but isn't drunk and drinking all the time, then he's not an alcoholic, he's just a bad husband. If he's an alcoholic, you should have been finding it unbearable to be in this marriage before the kiss. Alcoholics aren't people who get drunk once in a while or are binge drinkers, they have alcohol in their system ALL THE TIME. It's a health problem, an addiction for which he needs treatment. Kissing another woman would be a minor issue in the big picture.

I truly believe that sometimes we do totally stupid stuff when we're under the influence of some substance. IF he has been a faithful husband otherwise there may be nothing to forgive, it was just one of those things.

It will be hard but if he is truly an alcoholic and not just a normal person who drinks sometimes then there are much deeper issues. I know several people who are alcoholics and many more who aren't that are drinkers. I am not even a social drinker but my daughter swears that I am an alcoholic...I was listed on all my friends insurance as a secondary driver because I hardly ever drank. She just decided that I was one and started telling everyone. I have been drunk 2 times in my life but she decided I was one. That's all I'm saying, if he is truly an alcoholic then he needs to decide to take steps to get treatment. If he's technically not one but you can't live with him ever drinking any kind of alcoholic drink then you may have to follow another path.

My friend grew up in an alcoholic home. Her parents had been very wealthy at one point, she grew up with a Governess and Nanny's. She can remember Clark Gable eating at her home at many dinner parties. Her parents drinking took everything from them. She cannot stand the smell of liquor. He husband is an occasional drinker. He will have a mixed drink at a cocktail hour at an event or something like that. He is not technically an alcoholic but she has laid down the law and decided that he cannot have any alcohol at all. So it is a stressor in their marriage. She is willing to give up everything to make the point that she will not tolerate any alcohol whatsoever. I do believe that she will end up divorced due to this. She is unwilling to waver in this dictate.

If you are contemplating the same stance you need to understand that if he wants to drink in social settings then this may be the deciding factor in your marriage.

Again, if he is truly an alcoholic then he needs to seek treatment before you make any decisions. When a person is under the influence of anything that is mind altering they are not able to make rational decisions. It's the cold bone sober decisions that are the ones that they are responsible for. Not even taking that next drink is a choice. They are an addict and until they get the treatment and are able to make the right choices they are in a battle each moment and are going to fail often. Treatment will help them become strong and able to stop that impulse that has control over them.

Sorry to say, but I'd hit the road. I don't agree with some mom's who believe you can get "so drunk" and not realize what you are doing. Just because they choose not to admit to it-They know. Also if he is a true alcoholic by definition-he probably wasn't drunk in that sense anyways. (Lies)
So if you are having reservations about staying in a marriage where alcohol and cheating are prime issues-I'd say YOU should visit a therapist. No good will come out of staying with such a person. Trying to "fix him" won't work. Have enough pride to leave so that your kids don't have to accept such a life as the norm. There are programs available for single moms who can help should you need it. You deserve to get out there and find a better man. Good luck.

Do you know how many people, let alone alcoholics, use alcohol as an excuse to kiss people that they're not married to? He didn't kiss her because he was drunk. He kissed her because he wanted to kiss her. That's problem number one. How do you want to deal with that? I wouldn't deal with it very well, I can tell you that much.

If you know that your husband is an alcoholic and it's a problem in your marriage that he refuses to acknowledge or refuses to address and change, then you have to decide for yourself what you're willing to tolerate. Of course he thinks you're the problem. You're telling him that he can't drink any more. That also means you're taking away his excuse for poor behavior. That's a problem too. It means you're forcing him to take accountability and become present in his life and marriage. That's all a problem because YOU are the one bringing it to his attention.

Right now, as long as he knows you're staying, he has nothing to lose if he keeps on drinking and doesn't change anything. He has no motivation at all to stop drinking or attend marriage counseling or AA.

So you go to AA and counseling on your own. Tell him he can go with you. He has to figure out that he has a lot to lose.

I was married to a man who did the same thing, but we lasted 9 years and had two great boys and I would do it all over again because of of my boys! That's a hard one because for me I couldn't stay any longer. I didn't want my kids to think that that was normal and the way to treat women by staying out all night etc. and not coming home. Somehow if you stay he needs to face the facts that he has a problem or it will always be the same for you. He may never quit or give up the booze and if you stay it will be your lot in life. Good luck with this cause it is a hard choice to make especially when you have kids. Mine were better off without.

P.S. I have been remarried for 20 years and its been great!