My Husband and My Son

Sink or swim. It sounds like a easy excuse to avoid doing work. It's very common among fathers. Force him to get over it by taking an overnight trip alone or with girlfriends. Plan carefully and set him up for success. Chances are he'll love it and it will set father and son up for a closer relationship in the long term. Plus, you need a break.

If he is in a situation where he has to do it he probably will. If he is a good eater and does not choke then start with the feeding. Let him do it. After he does it let him know how much you appreciate his helping out.

Here is a wise little bit of advise you can keep up your sleeve for years to come...It has taken me 18 years of marriage to learn that if you want a hubby to help out more or to jump on that "honey do" list... all that is needed is for you to start praising him for what he already does. Sounds simple, right. But just be sure that it is genuine praise and that you never clue him in on your new found marriage secret! :) Example: If I want my husband to install the new base floor molding that was sitting in the garage for eight months, I started telling him how great those doors look that he installed a few months back and how grateful that I was that we could save money by him doing the work...not to mention how "professional the job looks" ;-) If I want my husband to help out in kitchen and make a meal or two, I ask him if I pick up a chicken from the grocer, would he mind roasting it in the oven "because the last time you cooked chicken it was to die for".... If I wanted my hubby to feed the kids, I might say... "you know, I noticed that when you give [baby] his bottle he watches you with such big eyes... boy, does that baby love his daddy... you should see the faces he makes when you give him solid food! Just earlier today while you were at work, he had me rolling with his funny little faces when he was garbling down that food... oh, it was such a treat to laugh with him." If I wanted him to bath the kids, I may tell him what a huge help it was for him to change that diaper and jammies. Thanks for freeing up that time for me. ... well anyways, you get the idea... let him know how great he is for doing what he does... he will then start to look for those areas where he can do more for you. Encourage him, praise him etc... and yes it is a mild form of manipulation but it's loving and it works and it's not nagging and it's not giving the message that what he does do isn't enough, because if he feels like he's not doing something enough he won't even think about doing more. Hope that helps! If after a couple of weeks he doesn't offer to pick up in the areas you want, preface your request with a compliment and gratitude then ask the request.

Oh, J.....you poor thing! Congratulations on the new baby and kuddos to you for continuing school. I have to agree with the others...you need to praise your husband for the little things he does with the baby, and sit him down and tell him, you need help! I think about when we were first married, I had to actually treat my husband like one of my children, now! LOL! They need encouragement just like little ones. As for how he treats the baby...my husband has a little pink pillow that he would sit down, place the pillow in his lap and let me place our first child on the pillow....that is how he would hold her. Never getting up and walking around, just holding the pillow on his lap! Or he would let me place her on the floor or in the carrier. That's the only way he would be with her. He did change a diaper, but mom was right there next to him, handing the items over and then picking her up. It was a little sad. I was active duty at the time, and remember the many, many sleepless nights! With my second...I was knocked out for her birth and the moment they walked out with her, they placed her in dad's arms....needless to say, they have a great bond and he was always there doing things for her because I had the 3 year old still.

Let your husband know by doing more with the baby it will increase the bond between them. My husband is closer to the second and third than the first because of this. He actually held our son first, he was in the hospital with many problems and dad was the only one around when the nurses offered. It's normal for men to feel this way, after all, we were scared to do it too, just knew we had no choice....dads have a choice when mom's around. Hand the spoon to him and say, I have to study....he'll thank you in a year...maybe not now, but later he will!! Good luck and hang in there!

LOL, how convenient for him that all he has to say is "I'm too nervous" and then it's all handled for him. =0) I see this with so many of my friends. The daddy has figured out just what to say so that mommy will handle it. They're pretty smart like that. However, you can't continue to do it all. I remember a conversation I had with my hubby when I was pregnant with our first baby. We had some friends who had a 6mth old, so watching them was like a window into the future. Thier relationship was like that...she did it all. I sat my hubby down and told him that wasn't going to be acceptable with me. He was going to feed the baby, bathe the baby, change diapers, change clothes, prepare baby food from start to finish, prepare baby cereal with the formula, etc, etc, etc. Everything I would do, he would do also. Here was my concern....I'm a worrier. I always have been. What if I died in a car crash when my baby was an infant, what if I broke my legs & was bed ridden for months??? What if something happened to me where I wasn't able to solely care for my infant and Daddy was left to do it? So, now we have a 5yr old and an almost 3yr old and my husband has always been just as great at EVERYTHING as me. Granted....he didn't do it all the way I did, but he had his own ways that worked just as good. =0) My kids are just as comfy with Daddy as with me and I think that's why. To this day.....every night.....my husband gives them their bath while I clean up dinner. I love being in the other room and listening to them act silly and crazy together. It's pretty cool. =0) This is just my theory that I used in my life. You just need to tell him how important it is that he forms that bond with his child. You never know what's gonna happen...

HI J.,

Is he really that "bad" at it or is he just scared? They have parenting classes at ACS on post if it's a matter of not knowing what to do. My husband was more concerned about cleaning our daughter, but was very comfortable with our son - they have the same "parts", so to speak. Assure him that as long as he doesn't drop him on his head, he'll be just fine. No one is born a perfect parent. We all have to learn. Most girls learn as big sisters or babysitters, but the men lag behind. My only advice would be that if you put him in charge of your son DO NOT correct him in any way. Let him do it his way, even if you don't necessarily think it is best. It will only undermine his confidence if you tell him he's not doing it right. For you, you didn't mention where you are stationed. Ft. Bragg CYS has free child care certain days of the month (nights and weekends). This would give you a chance for some much needed rest. You don't have to do everything yourself. A rested mom is a happy mom. Good luck! L.

Go away for a couple of days.

Hey J.,

I am sure that there is some justification to his feelings, but he is copping out on you.

Hand him the baby, have instructions on the table for him, pick up your keys & walk out the door. Go take a 4 hour nap at a friends house.

That is a last resort tactic... but it works.

Sit him down, look him in the face and start the conversation with, I need you to listen to what I am going to say. It is very important to me that you hear me.

Then tell him, I am very very tired & really need your help with the baby. I need for you to be responsible for him for (pick a time frame) on these days (one day/every day/whatever)

Then ask him what his fears are. Listen to him & dont judge.

Then offer things he can do with the baby. He can start out easy like putting the baby in the stroller. Or feed him dinner.

It is imperative that you get yourself together. It is your husbands responsibility to help raise your child.

Hang in there sweetie, dont be afraid to tell him what you really need. He is your partner, after all.

P

Give him lots of enouragement and dont' berate him if baby has dirt behind his ears or food all over the place.
Does he at least hold the baby? If he has never been around newborns it is quite daunting even if it is your own baby. Maybe give him the spoon when you are feeding him and let him try a couple times and you give dad and baby lots of kudos.

J., I am a 40 year old mother of three. When I was a much youger mommy, that business with him being afraid would have been OK...but I have learned a LOT. You need to gently place your sweet baby in his arms and tell your husband where everything is,make a list of what needs done when and put it on the fridge...then take off..go get a manicure, if you're broke,go to the library..just go. Hide in the bushes and observe if you're totally sure he cannot function. Stay away at least a couple of hours while the baby will be awake. I ASSURE you he CAN do it, it is like"submersion therapy", if he faces his fear,he will get over it!! I live in Ohio but my sister lives in Spring lake too, she's a nurse and has raised four of them, and a couple daddies,too...she'd tell you the same thing. Just do it :). Also, remember to praise him when you return...even if the diaper is on backwards, and socks don't match...it doesn't matter in the long run, and the baby will never know. (I'm with Gail)

Ask your husband sweetly and kindly (sadly, this is where I'd balk! I'm the hands on the hips, cocked head, demanding type) if he's really nervous about helping feed, etc; or does he just really not want to help you out with these 'women's responsibilities'.

If he assures you that he's really nervous, try to get him to describe what his fears are (what might happen, etc). Maybe you can get to the bottom of it. Maybe he's had an experience with a baby or saw something happen to one that traumatized him -- and he might not even remember it, as our minds often shut out things that bother us, sometimes (I believe that everyone has a tiny touch of PTSD).

Encourage him that every baby who's ever lived has had to be fed and bathed, and it's not always by an experienced mother -- yet they survive!

If he's afraid of the baby getting strangled or choked, teach him that quickly pulling the baby's arm straight up helps immensely in such a case. (You can even raise your own arm straight up if you're slightly choked/strangled and it works!)

God bless! I hope he learns (gently) how fulfilling it is to help the little ones (and the wifey)!

sounds like your husband has you right where he wants you! tell him to get his butt out of bed and take care of your son... he knows the number for 911 im sure!

J.,
I sounds like a cop-out to me, but you know your husband best, so it is possible his concerns are valid. Take an entire day to go out by yourself and do something for YOU. Leave your son with him for the entire day. It's time that he figures all of this out for himself, and doing it will be the best teacher. And its valuable QT that he can spend with his son. As he gets older, he will be looking to him more and more for guidance. Good luck!

I disagree with Wendy. I think men are intimidated about not doing as good a job as mom. They won't do the same job, but they can get the job done! I say to write down a vague schedule (naptime, lunchtime and put out food, etc.) and then give your husband and child a kiss and leave! Tell him the time you will be back and wish him luck! He will do fine and will build confidence. He's either 1.) playing you that he's afraid to get out of doing work, or 2.) really does have no confidence. Once I gave birth to my baby in a grueling 3 hour delivery, I realized how tough babies actually are!!! Remind him of that! Assuming he's not an abuser, both your husband and baby will be fine! It will give them a chance to bond, which my husband told me didn't happen for him until our kids turned around 6 months old.
You may come home to an unhappy baby (and really that's OK, as long as he's safe)and a frazzled husband, but your husband will give you more credit AND realize he's not going to hurt your baby! Over time, your child will become more flexible as he sees how Daddy does things versus how Mommy does things!
Good luck!!!!!

Just sit him down and have him practice while you are right there. My husband was the same way but he was willing try as long as I was there until he got comfortable. Just show him how to feed, how to hold, etc and let him know how tired you are and that he must help you. It is natural for him to be scared. My daughter is 3 1/2 and my husband still does not know how to fix her hair or bathe her. He will do it but he is uncomfortable b/c it is not his field of expertise. :o) But he will do it so just make your husband comfortable.

Hey J.!

Congrats on a healthy baby! Just read a couple other responses, but just tell him how you feel and remember to not be too critical. :)

Us women do that a lot! My hubby rarely helped out in the begining (with anything) and I now know that it is b/c he feels like every time he does, I tell him how he did it wrong. A couple weeks ago, I was getting frustrated about something and finally just said to him, "You know what, I don't care how you do it, as long as you are just doing it!" He about fell over and gave me the biggist hug. He was happier, I laughed, moods were good. Lesson learned... on my part! :)

When thinking about my parents, my mom always complains about my dad not helping, then one time I was home and he said, "I'm not giong to load the dishwasher b/c she always comes back and redoes it 'her way'."

May God send blessings your way,
Amanda