Hi...I've seen people vent family politics on here and chuckled...my turn.
My father-in-law is remaired. We spend most holidays with ALL of us present- including my mother-in-law and his new wife. My husband's family is large and everyone gets along. Some of the family members aren't crazy about the "new wife" but I don't have any issues with her. My mother-in-law and my father-in-law's wife get along just fine...it's really not a big deal for us to all be together.
My father-in-law and his wife live in Florida during the winter months - usually November to April. When we had our daughter baptised (almost 2 years ago) I of course, invited them. The invite went to their Chicago address b/c I thought their mail was forwarded. Because my father-in-law comes back to Chicago at least once a month while his wife stays there, he gets the mail. When he got the invite he apparently chose to not tell his wife...he came to the baptism without her. She doesn't come back to Chicago for some holidays/events so I didn't think much of it.
Fast forward to present day. We have another child to be baptised. At my father-in-law's 75th birthday party IN FRONT OF A LARGE GROUP (many of her family members heard this and they don't know the real story so my husband and I look like we're really mean!) of family members his new wife asked if I could have the baptism after they returned to Chicago because she was "really upset they didn't get invited" to my daughter's baptism. I was shocked she thought they didn't get invited and knew what he had done so I let it go. I wasn't going to make a scene at his party. Since then she has made several comments about how they didn't get invited. I actually looked back at photos to make sure he was there and checked with family - he was there and he's not fessing up to her that he left her behind. I don't know why he did this and I'm stunned he's letting my husband and I look like the bad guys.
My husband has asked me to keep the peace and not make waves. I don't want to start problems but am getting tired of hearing that we didn't invite them...why on earth would I not invite my daughter's grandfather and his wife to her baptism???I think I'm also sensitive b/c most of my family is deceased - all family holidays and events are with my husband's family. I love them and am greatful for them but don't think my husband gets how it feels to have "the other family side" issues.
Should I keep my mouth shut or say something?
I would tell her. If you don't want to deal with the fall-out, you could send a photo of her husband at the first baptism anonymously. But, I think the direct approach is best.
Being me, I probably would have blurted out that they were invited and he showed up alone when the wife asked me. Since she is making so many comments now, I think I would have to choose to tell her the truth. If your father in law gets upset, you can say that you weren't aware that it was a secret he was there. Then you cannot be rightfully blamed for letting the cat out of the bag. I understand the delicacy of peoples feelings, but then it would be over with, and she can no longer make comments about it to you anymore. This should be father in laws problem, not yours. Put it back where it belongs!! Good luck
A little old-fashioned, friendly blackmail seems in order here. Either you or your husband need to pull your father-in-law aside (holding one of the photos from the baptism) and say, "We have proof you were there. Now, make this go away or we'll start asking relatives in LOUD voices if they remember you being at the event. This could get awkward. I'm not sure (new wife) would like to hear about this from us."
That leaves his new wife out of it and you're not starting any visible wars. It's up to him how he works it out, but my guess would be that he drops the subject completely.
What a strange thing for your father-in-law to have done! I think that the rule is when you have an issue with your husband's family, it's his job to be the spokesperson. Likewise, if he had issue with your family, you would speak to them on both of your behalf. It's hard if your husband doesn't want you to "make waves", but honestly, he's the one who should bring this up. There must be some reason why your father-in-law didn't tell his wife about the baptism and that's between them. However, it's not fair for him to put you in the position of looking inconsiderate in his wife's eyes if that is not the case. I think that's exactly what your husband should say to his father: "Whatever the reason, please be honest with your wife about our first child's baptism. It's put N. in an uncomfortable position and it's making your wife think unfairly of her. We intend to invite you both to this baptism and we would appreciate it if you would share the invitation with her this time." I don't think there needs to be any further discussion, but if there is, it's up to your husband.
In response to what other moms have said, I would not be the one to bring this up - hopefully your husband will understand that this is important to you and will step up. Also, I would not engage in "blackmail" or bring up the photos. You don't want to play dirty, which brings you to his level. You just want him to be honest and be done with it. It's not about you "telling" on him, it's about him being honest with her, right?
Good luck. Hurt feelings between family members can be so sticky, especially when it's a misunderstanding you have no control over. At least this time, make sure the invitation goes right to her ;)
You could just show her the pics and let her see her hubby in the pics..lol.. if it were me (cuz I cant hold back) I would pull her aside and tell her that yes they were invited and you were hurt when she didnt show up. :0) and then show her the pics of her hubby there..
In the end the truth will out. This is always the case in my experience, so you might as well tell your truth. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of course it would have been easier if it had been resolved immediately. If dad-in-law gets in trouble, his problem not yours. And your husband should support you in this and maybe even take the helm, since it's his family. If his family gets along so great why is he so worried?
I'm surprised how many people are saying you should talk to her or your father-in-law about this directly. The bottom line is only your husband could or should address this, and only with your father-in-law, not with his wife. If your husband doesn't want to or doesn't think it's a good idea, then you both should just let it go. Most likely, the father-in-law came alone thinking it wouldn't be a big deal to his wife, then figured out he was wrong about that, and now doesn't want to fess up. Do you really want to get into the middle of that marital decision? The rest of the family knows the score, so it's not like you have to swallow your pride or be embarassed thinking they all disapprove. Not long after your second child's baptism, the wife will quit with the comments, and you'll be happy you left it alone.
Why don't you show his wife the pictures of the last baptism and gently explain to her that they were invited to the last one and will be invited to this one. It is up to your FIL to explain his actions, not you. Be sure to let your husband know your plans in advance so he can also be prepared for any backlash. Your FIL is in the wrong in my opinion and should be called out. It is their issue, not yours.
Well, to perpetuate and untruth is dishonest and destructive.(especially when it involves hurt feelings). Adults are accoutable for their actions. This man is letting blame be placed on YOU, by withholding information. Obviously, integrity is not his strong point. I also think that anyone who would encourage you to condone a lie and hurtful actions is also misguided. Letting someone believe lies and remain hurt is NOT keeping the peace. When this comes up again, you should be mostly honest. I would say, "Oh but (whatever her name is)the invitation was sent to BOTH of you." I always would include you. If she asks why you did not mention this in the beginning, tell her you felt caught in the middle and were initially unsure how to respond. I say "mostly" honest, because there is no need to get into the part about your husband condoning his father's bad behavior. As far as someone asking you to schedule a Baptism around their personal schedule, I think this is a little presumptuous.
You should do it when convenient for your immediate family.
You will never find a date that works for ALL the people you might invite. If this is a priority for her then she can come back from FL for the event.
Hi N.,
Maybe you can just say to her, "I'm sorry you didn't get the invitation for my daughter's baptism. I sent it to your Chicago address assuming your mail would be forwarded to Florida. I'll make sure and send the next invitation to both your Chgo & Florida addresses to insure that you receive it." Does she have an e-mail address? Maybe you can e-mail it to her too. Cover all your bases.
It's hard to keep track of people with seasonal addresses.
Ugh! Totally ackward and I don't blame you for feeling badly about it. I think it would be a really nice touch at your son's baptism to pull out your daughter's baptism photos as a reminder of that glorious occasion. :-)
I am with Katie B, I would just get her involved in this baptism if at all possible. I would not be the one to spill the beans about the invite to the last one. Especially since your husband has asked you not to make a big deal about it. He knows how his father is, sounds like he likes a little drama. Let your FIL be the one to fess up. If you are the bearer of the bad news, they may turn on you. Soon the "new wife" will stop asking about the first baptism and have fond memories of the second.
i suggest that you talk to your father-in-law about this putting you in an awkward position. he should be able to think of a way out. maybe he can confess that he misplaced the invite - though this may be a problem if they have discussed the fact that they weren't invited. Or maybe he might have to fess up or somehow deal with it. But I would talk to him and see what he thinks.
I sort of understand the request for you not to make waves, but I can totally understand your desire to set the record straight. I think you can smooth things over with FIL's wife without spilling the truth though -- writing a nice note to express regret that she wasn't at the first baptism, and to ensure her that you want her to be present at the next one. Get her involved a little to make her feel included, perhaps by finding the perfect party location or suggesting a good bakery, etc...
