My Daughter's Behavior After She Comes Back from Her Dad's

Hi J.,
I would document all. Take it to a judge. Even if you have to take the child to the judge or the clothing that the child has on, after you get her back. Hope this helps. If you want soul custody, fight. I have found out that Ex's blame it all on us but themselves.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you and your daughter is going through. The best advice as a divorced mom myself with two daughters is be sure to document EVERYTHING. Because your daughter is so young it maybe a little hard to learn exactly what is going on when she is with her dad at his house. If this continues I would check into getting supervised visits for awhile. I had to do this with my girls dad, after about 8 months we were able to go to unsupervised. I hated doing that but the childrens "best interest" has to come first. Good luck and keep us posted!

Good Moring J., I think Tina gave you some very great advice. Document everything. If you have support or a good relationship with your EX family you may want to speak with a sister or his mom and maybe one of them can help with supervised visits.
I would be very concerned with the changes with your little doll. Children always can't speak for themselves so we need to be their voice and protect them. You can also call 911 and ask them to do a Care check on your daughter. Let them know your concerns and just want to know she is ok and being taken care of out of your sight. Most Police dept are willingly to help out.
Yes this may cause more problems with the EX but your daughters safety and well being is more important.
Also if you used an attorney for your divorse you might call them and voice your concerns ask for their advice.

Please let us know how you are doing and if things change.
Always
K. B aka nana K of 5 Gr kids

Call family services and have the situation checked out. It does not necessarily mean it will solve anything right away but it will put them on warning and it will make sure it is legitimately documented.

If I truly believed that they leave their baby alone, I would have to report them and let it be looked into. Who's to say they don't leave your 3 year old alone, as well. I don't know which one would be scarier, (unless it was my own child.) I would report any and all concerns, including domestic violence, and let it all be investigated by someone who professionally knows more about this than I do. That might sound extreme, but if it was my child...there is no "too extreme" when it comes to safety.

No matter what else is going on in their house, the way that your daughter has been treated is just plain unacceptable. No child should be left hungry and dirty like you have described. Do not let your ex blame any of that on you! How could it possibly be your fault that she is not taken care of when she is in HIS care. I agree with the others, do not let her go back. And do NOT feel guilty about it. It is better for her to have no dad then a dad that is putting her at risk everytime she see him. She is too young to understand any of it and will be better off without him in her life. Do what is best for your daughter and get the dead beat dad as far away as possible.

ok, the way I am reading this is you have been seperated for a year and this is his second visit with her. Don't encourage him to take her overnight. It's not good for a on and off again relationship. File for full custody, with supervised visits. most of the time friends aren't going to steer you wrong or make up lies. Usually kids act out when they get home but you will need to decide if it is normal or not. Do make sure you document everything and use your motherly instincts. don't hesitate to do whats best for your daughter. If he isn't fighting you for visitation, and it doesn't seem that way since he hasn't taken her but twice. don't send her.

good luck

Document Document Document! If you dont already have a camera Get disposable camera and take pictures as she is comeing home with one of them dropping her off (Your just so excited to see your baby!) That will capture her filthy appearance. Have witnesses~ NOT your realatives maybe friends of the friends you live with that are not your friends~Be around when he drops her off. After he leaves make sure you take an "inventory" of your daughter and write down every strange thing she says.

Or just dont let her go. Wait for him to drag you to court or drag him to court first saying you want supervised vists. But I assume you cant afford that however your a momma you will find a way if you have to.

BEST of LUCK!
M.

What is your first instinct? You are posing this question because you are worried about the safety of your daughter and that should be your first priority. If you are seperated, what legal custody terms have been set up? You need to document the stinky diaper, diaper rash, filthy and hungry and talk to your lawyer. Unfortunately, you can't use hearsay from friends, but they may need to be witnesses if you need to go to court. Also, you may want to seek out a family counselor to talk to your daughter. But, if you feel strongly that she is being mistreated, you have to protect her using legal means if necessary. Good luck. You sound like a wonderful mother who will do the right thing.

Hi, The first thing you need to worry about is your little one I would call srs and let them know what is going on, they can set up a medeation for your daughter to protect her interest in life, she has no voice in what is going on. If they are leaving her kids alone truth is known they are leaving your little one alone too, SRS WILL KEEP IT CONFIDUTAL,about who calls. Dont wait too long I wouldnt care who it makes mad. GOOD LUCK B.

I would take her to your pediatrician and talk to him. My husband's daughter moved in with us when she was 6 years old and she would run out of the room when we would watch movies (rated G) and there would be a simple kiss involved. We finally found out that when she lived with her mother, her bed was in the same room as her mom and whoever she was living with at the time. Lord only knows what that little girl saw. Peiatricians are really good at understanding everything that goes on.

That's a tough situation.

I would recommend documenting everything in case you decide that you need to go to court to change the arrangement permanently or involve SRS.

For what you can do now, be there for your daughter. Shower her with love and understanding. 3 is a tough age as it is difficult for them to express their feelings with words. Try to encourage your daughter to talk to you. My son actually started to believe that he was bad and no one could ever love him. Thank you ex. It look a long time before I was able to convience him and he truely believed that he was a good kid and a well loved kid even if his Dad did not.

This will take time to work out. That is one of the most frustrating part of being a parent.

A little about me:

I'm a 37 year old single mom. I have a son who is just about to turn 13. Went through a similar situation. Additionally, my baby sister also went thorugh a similar situation.

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing! Except my daughter 6.5 years old and what goes on at his house with his girlfriend and her 3 children is horrible! Keep your head up and fight for your children.

I used to have the same problem with my son and his dad. (behavior changes).
Take pictures of her before she goes and then when she comes back. It sounds like you can get help from the Division of Family Services to help you get back on your feet. They even have attorneys who can represent you (if it comes to that).
They will even go investigate (your ex) any reports that are made. (No telling what they may find.) Sounds like his new girlfriend could be doing drugs with being abusive and filthy. (You can report anonymously.)

My ex did that to me, although when the representative came by my house, she could see right away that there were no problems. These people work with these situations on a daily basis and they know what to look for.

Stop letting her spend the weekend for a while. Start making him pick her up and drop her back off on the same day. I know that this may be an inconvenient schedule but it is better for her safety. If you have a problem with just flat out telling him that he can not keep her over night, always make sure you and her have plans and that way you can say she needs to come back at 4pm because...

You should also document everything if you are going to continue to even let her go over there. Write down what she looks like when she leaves home, what she is taking with her, what she looks like when she comes back, what the father's attitude is like when you talk to him.

Maybe contact your minister, a child psychiatrist, or some professional that would be able to help you to help your child because as I said before it is all about her safety.

You know people are very hurtful..and will tell you things that are not as bad as they seem..but when t comes to your child..there is no way you can ignore..this.

maybe you should contact child services and get his visitations stopped until there is an investigation. Don't wait until there has to be an investigation...it is too late then.
L.

If it were me I would not let my daughter see her father until he could care for her better. I understand that a daughter needs to see her father but what would do more damage? Not seeing him or the behavior she is seeing. You said she came home 8 hours early, stinky diaper, diaper rash, very hungry....sounds like she is being neglected when she is there.

You may not be able to do anything about them leaving their child alone but you sure can do something about yours. First of all that IS child endangerment...it should be reported & do it where it won't come back on you, secondly your daughter may be beibg left alone as well, you can stop the child from going for a while & MAYBE this will send a message to her father. Sometimes when another woman & child comes on the scene it tend to pose a problem from time to time. Give your child some space from her father, get her potty trained (this shouldn't be a hard issue) & that way you won't have that problem amymore. What are you doing to get upon your feet? I realize you said you are staying with a friend but how long do you expect that to last you. I don't know what type of work you do & I've picked up a part-time job (my own home based business) by selling Mary Kay, you work your own hours, be your own boss & the money is GRRRRREAT! I work full time but when I need to get something quick...I pick up my MK books & get on the phone & the the next thing you know I got what I needed. It's easy & it might be what you need to help you get back upon your feet, back out on your own & to give you & your daughter what you need. If you'd like to know more about it let me know & I'll be sure to send you some info. Good luck & God Bless!

I completely agree with documenting. My daughters father is "smart" that I have to write down for him everything from, times she eats, wakes up, what she eats and the list goes on. I had just broke her from using her binkie, and she went to see him, all she wanted when she came back was her binkie. You have to let her know that she is with mommy know, and things are going to be ok. Try to have light conversations about why she is scared of the bathroom. I dont know if your situation with him, and if you have court orders, but you as your daughters mommy have to do whats best for her and look at the situation your putting her in. As long as you have everything documented you are protecting your self and most importantly your daughter. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!!! (I learned that the hard way)

Your first responsibility is to your daughter, Is there a custody agreement that requires this type of visitation? If not perhaps you should go back to visitation in your home or at least your presence for shorter periods of time and explain why.

J., your ex and his wife have some serious issues that seem to be effecting your daughter even though she is till very young. Talk with your pediatrian about the behavior on what you jsut wrote here. If you can be more specific even better. If you don't you may have more serious problems in the future. My daughter would come back from a weekend with her father acting out,having trantrums. I had her in therapy for several years. She started visiting her dad from about 2 1/2 and problems started manifesting at 3-4.

A. B

My honest to god advice for you, take pictures and document everything. I know it sounds bad, but it is a must. You may never need it, but if you do, you have it. One day it could come back on you that all of it happen at your house. If they decide to mess with custody you would then have every visit logged by date in a notebook. Beside that date a document of how she came home and what she said. Any marks would be taken with a dated camera. Never though leave the papers and pictures where she will find them in case you never need them, oyu wouldn't want her to grow up hating her Daddy for stuff she found written. It may seem really like drama, but you can take it from someone who has in fact been there, and needed it later. Good luck

From what I have seen happen to a friend of mines daughter I would document everything as well as take pictures. You need to have a camera that has a time stamp on it, like a digital one. Or even a video camera. I would do as one other one said and have the friends of yours friends be over when he is due to bring her home. Also I would not hessitate to drop by or even call when your ex has her. If there is no answer and you have tried for a couple of hours, call the police department and tell them that you are worried that something has happened to your ex because you were supposed to call him at a certain time and he is not answering the phone and your daughter is with him. Because like others have said if they are leaving a baby alone chances are they are leaving your daughter alone as well. In my oppion if they are leaving a baby alone in the house for what ever reason for more than them just being out in the yard doing yard work during nap time and have a baby monitor with them then DFS needs to be called!!! I do not have a problem with using my hot tub on my back pourch when my children 4 years and 18 months are in bed, but the door to the pourch is opened a crack so the the 4 year old knows where I am. It is not like I am at a neighbors or at the gas station. However I live on 20 Acres so going to the neighbor's means my baby monitors do not work because I am too far away. Good luck. Your daughter's safety needs to come first!!! Your gut is most likly right.

J.,
You say that you have been separated for a year, but you don't say why this is only the second time that the father has had your daughter over the weekend.
Is there anything court ordered on visitation???
If there is not, then I would not allow her to go again PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can tell by the smell of a diaper, the look of a diaper if it has been her for a longer than good for her period of time is. Especially if she has a diaper rash after just a day or 2. You need to get a notebook right now and write down exactly what you remember of the situation of her coming home the first time and this last time.
If I had to be truthful with you, I WOULD NOT LET HER GO IF THAT WAS THE CONDITION SHE CAME HOME IN. Her being uncomfortable with you in the bathroom, or scared or whatever it is she is feeling definitely has me concerned about what is going on in the bathroom at their house.
I wouldn't let her go back. If you have court ordered visitation then you need to contact someone NOW!!!!!!!
I've been where you are I had to draw the line with my X when his girlfriend was abusive with my sons. He didn't take me to court or anything, because she left him shortly after, but it would not have mattered to me if he had I still would not have let them go into an abusive situation like that.
If you decide to let her go back, you really need to take pictures of her, and document everything and drop in on them at odd hours of the day and call them, and even have people there when she is to be dropped off. I would definitely call someone DCFS or whatever the child and family services is called in your area. I would want an investigation done.
Keep us posted and I'll keep you both in my prayers.

If I were you, I would get a digital camera with time and date stamp. Every time she comes home from her Dad's take pictures of the condition she comes home in. Especially, take pictures of the diaper rash. Also, start keeping a log of when he gets her, brings her home, and her behaviors when she returns. Then you will have some proof if you decide to pursue legal recourse. If he is not paying his child support, I would not give him visitation. You can always take him back to court, when you have enough evidence to request supervised visits.

I agree spot on with Nacona. The pictures that everyone is referring to are great, provided you are willing to let her go back into that situation. Frankly, if it were me...I wouldn't. I would definitely get Family Services involved and a call placed so they can go out and do and interview and inspection.

You never mention what the custody arrangement is. If you have full custody and you think there is something going on, you are within your rights to pull his visitation. By your child's behaviour something definitely happened...I would seek some kind of professional help for her to talk about it and find out what happened...there are professionals who can do roll playing with dolls and just let the kids be themselves...at that age, they don't lie...it'll come out.

If you trust your friends, go with your instincts. It may be hard to get back on your feet but for the sake of that child, if you don't want her to go back to that situation, you better come up with some alternative game plans and soon.