My Daughter Slapped Another Kid!

I think kids get frustrated, and often take that out in physical ways on other kids. She sounds very normal!! I would add to the advice you've already gotten that I would insist that my child apologize to this boy the next time she sees him. She has to be responsible for her actions, and provoked or unprovoked, she should not have hit him. I tell my kids all the time that they have to be responsible for themselves, regardless of what people around them are doing. I would have some sort of consequence (or motivation) in mind for her to apologize. It's important, and it's humbling, so it's going to be hard, but she still needs to do it, and be sincere about it. This is a GREAT lesson for a 4 year old to learn!

Hello H.-

Did you daughter indicate WHY she hit the child? In my experience, behavior like this is either because they saw it somewhere, (like TV), and thought it was cool/ appropriate OR they didn't know how to respond to a situation & did the first thing that came to her mind.

My suggestion is to find out the reason for the behavior and talk about appropriate responses for next time. Roleplaying helps a lot for this age, so you may want to roleplay to help her understand.

R. Magby

Hugs mama. It's okay. What your daughter did is totally normal. It still requires discipline. You've explained that 'we don't hit people' or 'people are NOT for hitting' etc. She told you she was sorry. I'd suggest you have her apologize to the child and tell her teacher she's sorry as well. That's part of the discipline and part of asking for and receiving forgiveness; a very important lesson you want your child to learn in church. You might want to contact the parent, apologize etc. She probably isn't thinking much of it. Kids get into fights.

Your daughter might have lashed out because she was frustrated and couldn't find the words to explain how she felt quickly enough. Explain to her to use words and explain how she feels. Have her practice that behavior when her brother upsets her as well. She'll learn this in time. 4 is still quite young.

I think you did what was responsible. Keep checking to see if the little boy backs off or comes out "swinging". I think she put him in his place and sometimes that's ok.

H.-
If had been my son that was hit, I know that he probably would have deserved it because he finally irritated the poor kid enough. Frankly, I would chalk it up to her protecting herself. Yes, discuss it with her. Yes, try and find out what happened. Yes, encourage her to tell the teacher first. Yes, encourage her to use her words. But if this is a one time incident, consider it over and don't keep fretting. If it happens again, then deal with it. If the little boy was like mine when he was that age, I guarantee he had it coming.
S.

I would not worry about it because I think you handled it very well. Kids often test the limits, especially in a new environment, like church or school, to see how the adult handles it, or what they can get away with. Hopefully what you've said to her will nip this problem in the bud, but if not, you'll need to increase the consequences.

You're certainly not the first mom to have this happen, and it doesn't mean you haven't trained her well, but it is children's nature to try new things, and then they have to learn what happens as a result.

Best wishes!

A good idea is to roll play a situation in which she gets angry and you help her with some other ways to deal with the situation. Act out several scenarios, and switch sides, her being the angry person, then the "victim." You may also use a teddy bear as the other person.

This gives her alternatives to hitting. Give 3 choices as a solution, making the worst one first. Also, clue in the teacher to what you are doing, and explain that you have told your daughter that if she becomes angry and needs help, she can go to her. Give your daughter a sentence like "im really mad, can you help me?" Then the teacher can redirect her.
example:

you: "Im so mad !! .....what should I do? Slap the other person? Walk away? go to the teacher? PIck another toy?"
her: I dont know.
you: "well, lets think about this what would happen if you hit? Would you get into trouble? (act out scene with bear) How do you feel if someone hits you?" Do the same for the other choices.

This has really helped my son stop hitting. He is 4 as well. It seems silly at first, but kids love to play pretend. It took 2 times to do this, and each time was only 10 minutes each. BIG DIFFERENCE.

First of all What happened to make her want to hit him. What did he do? Usually child dont do things like this unless provoked into it. was he bothering her? You never know with kids today he might have been really bothering her.
If he did nothing than do what you did talk to her about it and hope it does not happen again remember kids will be kids if it happens more and more then you havea problem but as for now I think that it will be ok.

No one want to think that their child is the "mean kid" in the class, especially Sunday School .

I think you can be excused from the "horrified Mom club." Your letter indicates you don't know what happened in the class that may have incited a slap response.

You may want to join the classroom as a helper. Or, periodically hang outside the door and listen to how the class is progressing.

In my personal experience many Sunday Schools do not require the the teacher to be a teaching professional or have experience as a day care provider.

Although, they are well intentioned some of the people who become Sunday school teachers are great and others are not.

Just wanted to add....on the very first day of Kindergarten some girl in my son's class spit in his face because he didn't want to sit with her on the bus...

Kids do these things sometimes...it doesn't make them bad kids!

You handled it perfectly! Like the others have said, I would try to figure out what happened, so you can try to figure out why she did it...then maybe you guys can talk about her feelings so she won't be as inclined to do it again.

Don't worry about it too much! You sound on top of it!

If it not usually your daughter's personality I would think the other child is not innocent in this situation and was probably taunting or teasing her...in any case, even if you can't find out why she hit the other child it might be best to role-play the appropriate response to situations that might make her angry and feel like hitting...and if it happens again find a serious consequence so she thinks twice before repeating it (like maybe taking something favorite away for a day or two) good luck!! It happens to all of us.

Updated

If it not usually your daughter's personality I would think the other child is not innocent in this situation and was probably taunting or teasing her...in any case, even if you can't find out why she hit the other child it might be best to role-play the appropriate response to situations that might make her angry and feel like hitting...and if it happens again find a serious consequence so she thinks twice before repeating it (like maybe taking something favorite away for a day or two) good luck!! It happens to all of us.

Did you ask your daughter what made her slap him? Although we teach our kids not to hit she could have been provoked. That being said since this is not her usual m.o, I wouldn't worry about it. Just reaffirm that hitting never solves anything and if this boy is bothering her to go tell the teacher.

I think you handled it very well. You can talk with her to find out if he was harrassing her etc. I'd just handle each situation as it comes up. I'd just keep my eyes and ears open. Good luck to you!!

there is a reason that she did this, most kids just dont slap someone for no reason at all. not that it makes it okay but you should find out why. I have to be honest the long talk, promise and sorry does not really mean much w/ a 4 year old. what she really needs to do is learn how to handle her feelings, talk it out and ask a grownup for help if the other child is not listening to her. I just love the book: how to talk so your child will listen and how to listen so your child will talk. there is a lot in there about helping children understand their feelings and how to help them. I used to be a parent educator and taught classes on how to help children deal with their feelings and I do suggest if you can find a class in your area to take one. they usually are not $ and the teachers should have alot of suggestions and help for you as handling feelings at any age is difficult. I know it was embarassing, as no one wants their child to hit anyone, but it really is okay that it happened I would be careful not to make her feel totally bad about it as yes it is wrong, but it was a "mistake" and when she learns how to deal with her feelings better and can communicate them better she will really not have this type of "problem" too often. good luck and please do check out that book it is great for any age (even talking to adults!) and lots of different situations: very easy read too.