My daughter and the girl on the corner are both 8 years old. When we moved in to our home 4 years ago, they became fast friends. The mom was then a stay-at-home mom to 5 kids, and asked if she could watch my boys for extra income. My sister wanted to find another job, so we took her up on her offer. It quickly became her asking for more $ and my boys were miserable. So we got my sister to come back and fired the neighbor. She was beyond upset. Three months later she called the cops on my husband for hugging her - I think she lost her mind, truly.
Fast forward to this year. The girls are not getting along. On the bus they speak nasty to each other and I have finally gotten the school to seperate them. They were both at an after-school even yesterday and M (neighbor girl) started hitting my daughter. My daughter said she told her to stop and when she didn't she hit her back. They both stopped then. After that, M grabbed my daughters are and did a twist pinch, leaving a bruise on her. I was LIVID.
I knocked on the mom's door and told her I would like to get both sides of the story, but that I was done dealing with these issues all the same. She told me she would talk to her daughter (who was not home) and text me. I never heard from her. I also found out M was at the other neighbors house where my kids went to play for a bit. And you guess it, my daughter played with her!!
How do I make her STOP spending time with the girl? The friendship is not good and I don't want them around each other - but if my daughter won't listen to me, I have no idea how to fix it.
Let me add that I have stayed out of it for a long time, but leaving a bruise is what prompted me to bring M's parents attention to the issue. I did tell them back in January when I had their seats changed on the bus also, but I wasn't complaining then, just informing.
Thoughts?
Just wanted to add in case it was missed, I stayed out of their ups and downs for 3 years, but now based on the fact that they are being nasty verbally and now M has left a bruise on my daughter, I don't want it to continue.
We did not talk bad about the parents or family in front my kids. They still do not know the reason we don't associate with them, other than we don't.
So I'm torn on how to make them stop hanging out because it always ends poorly.
Thanks mamas!! What I meant by the statement "if my daughter won't listen to me, I have no idea how to fix it" is when they are at school and I am not there to ensure she doesn't...still, at 8 she knows better than to not listen. So yesterday they got off the bus giggling and playing. M apologize for pinching her and told her mom she thought the hitting was just playing and that my daughter was laughing. So I'm not sure what exactly went on. Is it just girls being girls and it went a little too far? Not sure...
My son has a friendship with a boy that was very similar. I asked the guidance counseler for help at the school they both attend. My son went to a couple of sessions alone, as well as the other boy did the same. Then she had the boys do 2 sessions together. Each session was about controlling our emotions and how to deal with being "mad" and such. It really has helped them and we have not had any problems since.
Good luck!
You write, "If my daughter won't listen to me, I have no idea how to fix it."
That's giving up on your responsibility, to be honest. You have kept out of their little spats and that was wise so far -- "Work it out yourselves" is usually the way to go -- but it sounds beyond that now. Whether your daughter won't listen and doesn't want to be kept away from M does not matter; you control your child's time and where she goes and what she does. She doesn't control it.
You have already had them separated on the bus and at school. You can't control extracurricular events at school other than by being present yourself, so if your child goes, you go the next time to ensure that M doesn't lay hands on your daughter again. (I'm assuming that since your daughter told you what happened at the other event where she was bruised, you weren't there so she was relating it to you.)
Find other things for your child to be doing to get her out of M's orbit. Get her other outlets and activities, whether it's Girl Scouts or an after-school club or something at the local library or a sport or dance or art, whatever; doing other things and finding other friends outside the neighborhood will make M seem so much less interesting. If your child is going to a third kid's house to play, call the parents who will be present and ask them if M will be there and find something else your daughter must do if M's going to be around; then invite that third child over to your house another time for a one on one play date.
This will blow over but meanwhile give your girl tools for dealing better with M when they do encounter each other, and they will. M. got just what she wanted when your little girl hit back -- that's the attention M is seeking, so role-play similar situations with your daughter so she will react differently next time, preferably walking away and getting near adults so M won't pursue her.
I wouldn't interfere so much and let the kids work it out. Maybe your daughter has heard all the negative things being said about the other lady and her family and is torn between the two sides. I know kids who have been given the 'indian burn' as it was called back in my day, and it left a mark and hurt but we worked it out. If there was real physical danger that's a different story. Let the girls work it out without the neighbor having your kids in her home or her daughter at your home.
Stay out of it. This is typical little girl stuff. One minute they hate each other, the next they are BFFs. You can't stop or change it; it's in their nature. (Well, I guess you could move.)
Hi, Mom:
The two girls need to learn how to get along and resolve the conflict.
Does the school they go to have Restorative Practices involved in any way?
IIRP has a whole school change program that helps schools deal with conflict.
www.iirp.edu.
You need help from the school to give these girls the opportunity to resolve their conflict and repair the harm that has happened to your daughter.
A different point of view.
Good luck.
D.
I would have taken a photo of your daughter's bruised arm.
Documentation too.
Your daughter is 8. She is old enough, to have you discuss this with her and all the ramifications of it.
Of that girl's behavior and of the Mom and how they are inappropriate.
But also, you cannot control, who is at the other neighbor's house to play with. It is their house.
It is about time, that you sit your daughter down, and be honest with her.
About the situation.
With my kids... I am always honest about social situations and the why's and how comes. I EXPLAIN to them. Not all adults/parents are appropriate or proper. I tell them that. It is not "bad mouthing" another it is telling them the truth about life/social situations and explaining to them... about WHY given the circumstances. AND what is wrong and right and about Bullying.
My kids are thus, able to DISCERN friends/social situations and other adults.... very well. And I always discuss WITH them, about why I may not associate with certain people/adults etc. It is a life lesson, for them.
Teach your child skills... in how to deal with icky people.
I have a neighbor a few doors down that threatened me when I explained why I didn't want their son playing with my daughter. (Both 8 as well.)
Now the parents send the boy down to my house to ask if he can play with my older three (14, 13 and 12). I tell him no and he says "I'm going to tell my mom and dad!" and inevitably I get one or both coming down trying to intimidate me. As soon as this boy knocks on our door, and I send him away, I tell the kids to get their shoes on...because we suddenly have to run out.
Just be careful how you deal with this. If you can keep them apart (which shouldn't be hard to do) then be prepared to deal with the mother...who seems like a loon!
If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same thing I've done with mine. Tell DD that if the girl is out playing, she can only play in the backyard. If she's at a friend's house and the girl shows up, then she needs to just say "it's time for me to go home!" and leave. And tell her that if you find out she's playing with her, she's going in time out.
i really applaud you for leaving it to the girls to work out to the extent you have. so many people would have rushed in to micromanage, and i think this is great lesson in relationships with nasty mean people.
that being said, when it progresses to physical violence 'my daughter won't listen to me' doesn't cut it any more. if M's parents won't address the issue that their daughter is hitting and bruising another child, then you have to, and since you have no authority over their child, you need to assert it with yours. and that means zero contact, period.
khairete
S.
This isn't about you or the other girls family. If you really havn't spoken about your issues with the other Mom in front of your kids then this is about the two girls, period.
Unless it is a bullying situation with one child holding all the power then they need to figure this out on their own. If your daughter asks for your help go for it but otherwise I'd stay out of it.
Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do. I have an 8 yo girl that is going through some similar issues, and it seems that this is the age where they start to go back and forth trying to find where they fit and who they fit in with. They are also figuring out the right and wrong ways of behaving (and unfortunately girls don't always realize it is a mean catty way). My girl is very sensitive and wants to be liked so much that she will allow herself to be dominated by the strong personalities like the M you describe. One day she will be complaining bitterly about a girl and the girl will leave nasty messages and the teacher is begging them to stay away from each other and the next day they are giggling and loving each other. She told me once that she was afraid not to be friends with her so she goes along with her as much as possible. Last year it was the same issue but a different girl. Since your daughter and M are in the same neighborhood and share the same friends, I don't think you can separate them or expect that they will avoid contact. What you can do is tell them both that physical violance and threats will not be tolerated and will be reported to the school and it would get them both in trouble.
