My Dad Wants to Be a Part of My Life

I would give him a chance. People change, they grow, and we can never have too many people that love us.

No matter what it is up to you.
You just got a TON of stuffed laid on your shoulders.
He has to then, ALLOW you time to digest it all... and decide HOW to proceed.
It is not just an instant 'Hallmark" card family, just because he confessed everything.

Or, is he going through issues/alcoholism or anything, that would 'require' him to 'confess things to people in his past, that he wronged???

I would proceed carefully... because you do not know him nor his motives...

you do not have to decide anything... now.

all the best,
Susan

I suggest taking control of your "relationship". Be honest with him, that you aren't ready to leap into his arms and call him "daddy" just yet, but you are willing to try. Start off easy, as odd as is sounds, think of it like dating. Take your time get to know each other again and maybe coffee once a week. When you're ready maybe full family dinner. It took him time to come to you, it's going to take time for you to come to him.

Good luck.

Give it a chance.......always give love a chance. One day he will be old, grey and then gone and so will your chance to have a relationship with him. Give it a chance now, so you won't have any regrets. Do this for you, not for him.

follow your gut my step son did with meeting his dad after he found him 20 yrs later. all you can do is rely on your gut. there is no right or wrong answer.

Honesty and communcation are #1. He got to air out his closet. Now it's your turn. Not in a "you get me, I'll get you back" sort of way but if you are going to move forward with any type of relationship, you must start fresh and that means you emptying your closet too. I wish you luck.

Give him a chance but don't be naive about it (which it doesn't look like you will be). It sounds like you have a great support system so keep in touch with them to help give you perspective when things get confusing but your dad is still your dad and he has made mistakes like all of us. Give him a chance to prove himself and if he fails, you can move on without any regrets.

Maybe your father confessing like he did, (i.e. your birth was to fix the marriage, but ended up bringing on more stress) is his way of explaining why things were so tough for you during your childhood. He did not outright say "Sorry, I screwed up", but did the most he could right now emotionally. He obviously feels guilty and wants to be a part of your life. I would say give him a chance. Some parents that made major mistakes during a child's life, act like nothing was wrong. I think that's far worse, in my opinion.

Hi MM,

You have just had a huge weight put upon your shoulders. He feels better, but you might be feeling worse.

Sometimes, when we hear "explanations" from people who abused us, or allowed us to be abused, we are left feeling very dissatisfied and even more upset. And it is unfair, that this person who hurt us gets to feel like they have "explained" what had happened, and they feel absolved in some way. Absolved enough for you to make a space in your life and family for them, now that it's all been 'addressed'. For you, however, it can just be upsetting and still leave you without a feeling of resolution, or even stir up more of a can of worms of stuff from way, way back.

You didn't mention this, but did he apologize, or just explain?

Whatever you choose, know this: you don't have to make any decision right away. You can tell him "I need a big chunk of time to think about this. I'll call you in February." This gives you a cushion of time to enjoy the holidays with your family, which you should, and some more to think things over. And if you aren't decided in February, just tell him you need more time and aren't ready yet.

He's waited this long to come forward to you, and you should feel deserving of plenty of time to make room, if you choose to, for him to come into your life.

Sometimes, as Susan suggested, people decide to get their priorities in order either because of addiction/recovery/health issues. Be aware that just because he's getting around to wanting to have a relationship may not mean that he's going to be able to take confrontation from you regarding past incidences.

For what it's worth, I went to therapy with my father a few years ago, before the birth of my son. He was willing to go, but it was hard, and he often complained of feeling cornered by myself and the therapist when confronted on things he really hadn't resolved for himself. I'll say this, though, it was helpful to have a counselor in the room as we talked this stuff out, so he couldn't just say "oh, you're being controlling" or "you are being too sensitive", etc. It was instructive: I learned that while some people are very happy to confess what they feel comfortable sharing, they aren't so open to having us vent our frustrations and problems with those past situations. (ie: "I can criticize me, but I can't take it coming from you.")

Overall, though, you don't have to decide anything right now. Take your time, and keep your expectations realistic, no matter what you choose.

Take good care of yourself: this sort of stuff can feel pretty rough on us.

Best to you,
H.

I'd give it a chance. As long as he's not there to mooch off of you what do you have to lose? I didnt get a tight relationship with my dad until the invention of the internet, now I have a much better relationship with him than I do my mother. I heard their reasons for why I was born and why they divorced... none of it was MY fault, just like none of what happened to you was yours. It's all in the past. You can ruin your future if you live in the past. I'd get to know him while you have the chance. We only get one set of blood parents and it's good to know their history as well..... helps to know your family tree, your own kids will ask questions that you will have answers to now that you will have dad talking about his family and childhood and stuff. Merry Christmas :)

Humm . . . Been there, done that! And it isn't as peachy as people want you the think.

The condensed version is that my father got in touch with me after several years when he heard he was a 'grandfather.' When I set limits he got his boxers in a bunch and didn't want to deal with the limits.
His loss, but I am NOT going to send my kids into the fire pit and hell-storm I lived through.

Sure, give him a VERY GUARDED chance, but I personally don't believe that just because he is you dad he deserves respect. Respect is earned and my father did not earn it.

Your job as a parent is to protect your children first. But you also need to protect yourself. Yes people change, but not that much. He has hurt you before and chances are he will again.

I could tell you a lot more of my story, if you want to hear it. Message me privately and I will explain why I am so guarded and careful with my father.

In good health!

Take some time...no rush...Sit on it for a while, and see how you feel. Don't make a decision either way as you need some time to absorb it all and decide what is best for you and your family...NOT him.

I think it really depends on what those "other things" were and if you can live with them. My parents got divorced when I was 21. I really was hurt because my dad didn't seem to care to have me in his life then. He is a gambler and was living in a trailer, which I was never saw. I only knew where he was by hearsay. He would always send cards on my b-days though.
Now, he just lives with his parents and I wonder what will become of him when they pass away. I was told he said he never wanted to have 5 kids.
Well, it's really tough not to have a lot of support from one of your parents. However, I wouldn't cut him out completely. In my case anyway, I just let him stop by a couple times a year when he wants to. I don't expect more and I don't go out of my way to involve him in things. It's so hard to protect your emotions with a relationship like this. I just take what he is willing to offer, which doesn't seem like much.
I felt I could relate to your story. Anyway, best of luck to you.

I'd probably give it a chance. But I'd talk with a counselor first, and get really clear about what to expect and what to/what not to tolerate.

I would not have been pleased with such an interview, either; I would have thought it rather one-sided and selfish. Why should you be dumped on to make him feel better? Hence the recommendation to consult a professional.

Remember that if you do allow your father to be part of your life, yours is the hand on the latch, so to speak. Know how to keep the door open and how to shut it - even to lock it if necessary.

There comes a point in all our lives where we view our parents as "people" not mythological creatures. This is your point--pushed upon you by the need to unburden himself. Can you accept what your dad has revealed? Does it seem to make things "click"? If so, it might be a good idea to establish a new, more honest relationship. In short, I'd say, give him a chance. He kind of stuck himself out there...maybe there's a good reason--maybe he's ready for an honest father-daughter relationship. Maybe he feels he has been harshly judged because of the past and things you didn't know at the time? Good luck!