Need Some Opinions - Green Cove Springs,FL

To break the cycle of the convesations you could be direct and say something like - you're right, you weren't always the best mom (basically agree with her). Then go on to say that you know she did the best she could, and love her and wouldn't wish for another Mom now. We all learn as we go and do the best we can. Now it's time to move forward. Don't harp on it or feed her guilt. Just acknowledge the truth and forgive her and move on. If she wants to talk it out you can, but I wouldn't get into excuse making, just process, forgive and let go... move forward with now.

"I know that you did the best with what you knew at the time. We all learn more, and hopefully, like you have, continue to improve"
And maybe-"You have shown me how to learn and grow"
best, k

That sounds very much like my life, my mom. If my mom started a sentence like that, I would probably just not say anything. Or maybe you could say something like, "Well, that's in the past now."

I had some simular issues growing up. it's sounds like your mom is fishing for you to say you forgive her, not that she was a good mom, she knows she wasn't, I had a lot of bitterness towards my mom and then i became a mom and discovered it's not an easy job, but I had a lot more resourses that what she had in er day. I was a good mom, I didn't almost everything the opposite of how she did, but to really forgive her I told my self this "Mom did the best she could with what she knew and what she had and it wasn't much" my healing came from that and makeing all the things that were wrong in my child hood right in my kids. Just forgive her, I'm almost sure that is what she is looking for. J.

I'm a big fan of brutal honesty.

I would be honest with her. Say no you weren't, but now you are great. It is okay or should be for you to be honest with your mother esp when she knows that she wasn't a very good one from the get go.

"Mom, nobody's perfect and we all do the best we can. Now, I gotta go grocery shopping, can I pick anything up for you?"

you are getting good responses, I agree with letting her know that she wasn't, but lets move on to who you are today. "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that's why it's called the present"...

Sounds like your mother is feeling guilty and looking for some forgiveness from you. Have you ever thought about being really honest with her when she brings it up again and tell her exactly what you remember about your younger years? You might tell her your memories and then follow it up with "I'm sure you did the best you could". Then it's not like you're finger-pointing, but you're also not giving her a false answer. It might hurt her, but I always feel that honesty is the best policy. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I would try to blow off the conversation when she brings it up - you shouldn't tell her what she wants to hear, because it's not true. Good luck.

It depends. Are there unspoken things you hold back? Do you wish to put everything on the table and discuss them with her? If I were you, i would be honest. In fact, I am honest. No good things can come from sweeping things under the carpet. My mom was a clueless mom. She loved us but taking care of us wasn't her thing. She just wasn't into kids. She was happier when away from us (at work), and dealt with us when around. I don't think she appreciated motherhood. I thought I would understand her after I became a mother. I didn't. I still don't. I did change when i had my kids. My life changed completely, and it was and still is a struggle at times, but I cherish my kids more than the air that lets me be alive. There are times when my mom tries to tell me how tom take care of a sick child or what I should do. I always stop her, kindly, but still, I always say: how come you didn't do this when we were sick? It was always dad by our bedside. It was always him hurting when we were sick. It was always him standing up for us, or making sure we ate, and homework was done. It was always him raising us to the moon after getting report cards. It was never her. She was not abusive or anything of the sort, she was just not into motherhood. So when I remind her of her past as a mother, she says you're right. No hard feelings but there is no way I will make anyone feel better about things that were not true. We have a great relationship because we know where we stand and how we got here. So, for you, if you're strong, and if you truly believe your feelings, I would tell her "No you weren't. But that is the past.' What is wrong with acknowledging the truth? It is not like she will feel she was a great mother. You can't change the past. She can't change the past. I remember your post a while back. It struck a chord with me. It also wouldn't be fair to your sister. Her childhood is responsible for her adulthood. Mom was supposed to not allow that to happen. Yet she did.

I guess it depends on her purpose in saying these things. If she truly wants to have a conversation about what kind of mom she was, and she is trying to sincerely apologize, then maybe you could sit down and have that conversation. But it sounds more like she is trying to manipulate you to get you to validate her as a mother so she doesn't have to feel guilty about anything, and so she can get a self-esteem boost from you (and her self-esteem should not have to constantly come from you). If it was my mother (and believe me, your mother and mine sound a lot alike), I would tell her that I don't want to focus on the past and I just want to focus on my present relationship with her. I think sometimes it gets to a point where the more you rehash the past, the more hurt feelings come up, so it's better to focus on today; because, after all, you can't change the past.

My mom does this every time she comes to my house- she starts apologizing for my childhood for this and for that, For years I let her have her time and listened and told her it was okay yadda yadda yadda. Now 20 years later I look her straight in the face and say "Mom my childhood is over nobody has a perfect childhood you just grow up and move on- can we do that please"
Usually works

Interesting question because while my childhood was okay, I grew up with a mother who loved me and my sister very much but perhaps the unhappiness in her marriage was what constantly prompted her to tell me (as I was growing up) that one day she was going to disappear and never come back. My mother always seemed to make it a point that the house we all lived in was her house and I was merely a guest. I learned to become very independent from my mother and when I became a teenager it became apparent that she resented the independence that I demonstrated . I had a job at 16 so I had learned to be financially independent and responsible and at 20 I was married and finally out of the house.

My mother and I had numerous "falling outs", one when I was 18, another about 10 years ago. We've never truly recovered from the first one. It's not because I never forgave her. I have...but it changed our relationship, changed my trust in her (I don't trust her), and changed how I relate to her. I am married, coming up on 19 years, I have a Christ centered life, a happy marriage, three children and pregnant with the 4th and even after all of this, my mother still treats me like I'm 12. Sometimes I feel deep down that she is envious of the life I have, one which she never had with my biological father or my step father, whom she is still married to. I know my mother loves me, as I do love her but I also believe that our mothers tend to "forget" or maybe block out the stuff they did wrong. If you were to ask my mother, she would say she was a loving mother (she was for the most part) but the insecurity she instilled in me for constantly telling me she would disappear someday, I am willing to bet she would have no recollection of it. My advice to you is tell your mother exactly how you feel. Don't sugar coat it, tell her what you remember about your childhood and how it affected you growing up, and how it molded you into the person you are today. I have done this with my mother. I don't think she believed a word I was saying because after all, she either forgot or blocked it out. Interesting you say that your sister is much like your mother. My sister and I are very different but my sister has a much lower self esteem and tends to "act" like my mother in certain areas. Yes, I agree with you that our childhood molds us into the person we are today so like your mother, my mother did not have a good childhood. She brought her childhood into her own life instead of rejecting it, she did to me and my sister what her parents very well had done to her, and so the pattern repeats itself. I believe it is my faith in God that has protected me from making the mistakes with my children that my mother made with me...or perhaps it is because I just knew I never wanted to be "like my mother."

Mom, you tried the best with what you had at the time. And I would not be the mother that I am today if it weren't for you.
This can be tough. She is aware of her mistakes and negative actions and seeks forgiveness....almost like a second chance to redeem herself. As awful as it was, it could have been way worse. You could have been homeless, hungry, beaten on or abused in other ways, neglected without health care or good walking shoes, etc. You grew up to be a fine woman I'm sure and a better mom because of it. As negative as it was, there is always a flip side to the situation. Pick at that. :) Or ask her, what would you have done differently? And see what is on her mind.

Lots of great responses. I've had a few conversations like this with my mom. I'm sure I'll have them with my kids. We all worry about how well we're doing our jobs as mothers and wonder what we're going to say/do that our kids will carry with them into their adult life. As for you & your mom, what kind of relationship do you have? Do you have a true friendship/adult relationship or do you really still relate only on the mother/daughter level? From your post it sounds like possibly the former & if so I say have the conversation. Tell her exactly what you told us. Hopefully it will bring some peace to both of your hearts. If it is the latter (just mom/daughter) I say a pat answer might be better unless you really have things you need to say. Without a true understanding of one another & where each other are coming from, a conversation won't make much difference. I hope that whatever you decide you will forgive your past. My DH struggles with the disappointment of parents who were less than ideal and it causes him so much pain. I would give anything for people not to have to suffer that. Good luck with which ever way you decide to go.

It really sounds like your mom was suffering from depression when she was trying to raise you....

Like others have said, be honest. Acknowledge that no, she wasn't the best mom. But she has come a long way since then. And there is no going back and fixing the past--you can only go forward. And put the emphasis on the fact that you and she have worked to make a good relationship now, and that you have forgiven her (if you have) for the past (forgiving does not mean forgetting--there is no way of forgetting).

If you want to nip this in the bud or end the conversation before it starts, just tell her she did the best she could. It's diplomatic and you don't have to place blame or listen to her rehash your childhood.

Well, starting like that isn't asking you a question, so you can just say, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, like you are waiting for her to get to the point. You can look at her and tilt your head with a pleasant, open expression, like you are waiting for her to finish her thought. This is pretending like that is a normal lead-in to something else and you are having a normal conversation, and that way you avoid it entirely.
If you feel you really have to say something, how about something noncommital like, well, you were trying. Or, you did your best at the time. Or, well, I turned out all right in the end.
Have you sat down and talked with her about how you feel? Maybe one or two counseling sessions just to get the basics out? It sounds like you are both basically fine people, so this is a matter of figuring out the relationship you want to have as adults and how to put the past in its proper place and perspective given the changes that have happened.
If not, perhaps a session or two for yourself just to resolve your feelings. You don't sound like one of those people where my reaction is, my God, get to a therapist ASAP, but I think that some guided discussion might be helpful for you and your mom to develop the kind of relationship as adults that you would both want. Good luck.

I might say something like "you did the best that you could do with what you were equipped with" or something to that effect. Not really lying, not letting her off the hook - but acknowledging that maybe that's just the best she could do at the time. Maybe she can be a better grandmother.....

I wouldn't be completely honest with her only because she seems to have your childhood years weighing heavily on her mind, which is why she's bringing it up from time to time. She obviously regrets the way she acted at times, and as a much more mature adult realizes she might have considered doing things differently. She is probably looking for reassurance and validation. I understand that you cannot completely give her that, and that makes sense. But she is your mom, and her feelings should be spared somewhat. There are a lot of things I'd like to say to my mom, but I don't out of respect and so to not hurt her feelings. Where I don't feel you should be totally honest, I don't think you should lie either. Considering that she did love you and you did have some good times, and considering how she's probably feeling about the past, it would be nice to say something like this when she says she didn't think she was a good mom: "There are always difficult times we remember in the past, but we got through them as a family. You did the best you could, and you raised me to be a good person. No one is perfect, but we always loved each other." It's all true, it's not fake and it won't make her feel bad. I had great parents growing up, but I too remember not so fun moments. And I've learned from those things, and I hope to be a good parent because of it. Good luck to you!

Mom, you did the best you could. That's the answer. It is always the truth.

Your post sounds so familiar to me in many ways! You don't need to pacify her & tell her white lies to stroke her ego - she knows very well how she was as a mom. It's hard to say "Well, you did your best" when you know better, but you can maybe say "Well, we can do what we can now to work on our relationship". There's no "starting over" in families - there's too much shared baggage that gets in the way. Everyone just has to decide to act her age and make the best of the present & future, and try not to let past hurts get in the way (unless, of course, those past hurts are really more damaging emotionally - then keep your distance). You can talk with her 1:1 & explain that you're both adults, you've got your own lives to live, but when you do spend time together you expect a certain level of mutually respectful behavior - like talking to your child & telling her to be a big girl, you might have to do that with your mom. She may just have a lot of stuff she needs to get off her chest to make her feel better, & maybe she's testing the waters with you to see how much she's comfortable sharing & how much she is able to determine you can handle. Just remember to have regular talks with your girlfriends, too, because moms can just be stressful! :)

I deal with this and I always ask myself, 'What good would it do to tell her?" There's no point in going into how my mom hurt me--it's not like she can do better next time, you know? I've forgiven her, so I need to let it go. Mostly, I let comments like that pass unnoticed, or change the subject or whatever. But if you have to say something, you've gotten some great suggestions, "I know you love me" or "You've shown me how to grow" or whatever you feel.

"Let's sort this out in therapy where it will be safe"

Tell her what you wrote above; however some people just don't get it. I have a mother who has the martyr complex. . . I did this and I did that and if so and so had to do what I did, they couldn't. My mother has her own preconceived of who can handle what and when. My mother said horrible things to me in the past but she will never remember it.
I gave her two beautiful grandchildren and she can barely be with them for two minutes. She has to run off and go shopping. My mother was diagnosed with adult ADD but she also had jealousy issues. My grandmother favored my Uncle over her.

Any how, she may not even remember what you told her. Mine never does.
I have learned that I try very hard not to be like my mother with my kids.

My mother does have good qualities but a lot of these women had children very young and got married young. My mother doesn't like today as she's one of those, get married before you have sex people. She judges people who don't wait. All you mother needs to know is that you love her.

Wow your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Only it was my grandfather telling me she never grew up.

My mom had a rough life, including having kids young with an unsupportive husband, and honestly I think she suffered from clinical depression when I was younger. I tell myself she did the best she could under the circumstances and in spite of not being able to count on her to be the adult I tell myself I'm a stronger person because of it.

When my mom tries to bring up the past (in a negative way), I just change the subject.

IMHO, it's manipulative (and not how you start an honest discussion) when an adult asks you a question and expects you to answer a certain way.

It almost sounds like she's trying to put you in the position again of being the adult to her child by replying with praise about how good a mom she was.

The question is, why? It sounds like she's made some progress with her mental health issues (anger, depression, narcissism?, etc.), so why does she want to return to the scene of the crime?

And so, you could answer her question honestly, or turn it around and ask her some questions back to see if it starts a dialog: "gee mom, what was going on back then when you were having such a hard time?", or "gee, what makes you want to talk about that now?".

By turning it around and asking some questions, you're actually doing what she wants anyway, which is to make this a discussion about her.

Regardless, I agree with you about not wanting to give her the response she's looking for if you don't feel it's an honest answer.

Good luck!

When she says, I know I wasn't a very good mother"... acknowledge what she is saying (& that she has changed)... Say, "No, but you are now & we can't change the past". This also lets you be honest that it hurt but validates the changes.

You could also say, "Mom- you had a rough life & have changed. Mine wasn't perfect, but I had 3 choices: to make it an excuse for everything bad that happens, to repeat it, or to learn from it... I have chosen to learn from it"

It STILL isn't your job to be the only adult in the conversation. BUT, you are an adult now- so you can both have an HONEST conversation about the past... she may actually be trying to start that w/ her opening phrase.

Mom, you did the best you could.
My parents weren't the best either. My dad was angry all the time and way too involved in his life to care about his kids. He refused to teach us anything because we might end up smarter than him. Even basics like changing a tire or checking your oil -- figure out by yourself. My Mom just wanted to keep the peace. We lived very isolated from everyone, dad's choice. Friends weren't allowed so little positive imput. My Mom is afraid of animals so no pets. My Mom kept us busy by having us clean, we washed and waxed the car twice a week all summer and washed windows inside and out once a week to keep busy. Lots of yard work -- we had an acre and half yard. My saving grace is I learned to sew, I can make anything from jeans to an evening gown. A very solitary life. I started counseling and went every week for years, even my counselor said my parents didn't understand what kids needed.
I am still more solitary than I like to be but I'm learning. My mom lives with me and that makes things difficult. But I really try to let her know she did the best she could.
Just remember, she loved you and did her best probably better than her parents. And you are trying to do better with your kids than she did with you, it's all we can do. We learn from their mistakes and hope we don't repeat them.