My Brother's Child Endangers My Children....

This sounds like an "in the moment" kind of problem/solution situation.

I wouldn't prepare a speach or even set the situation up for a talk with your brother. I'd just take care of it in the moment.

But there are some things to consider before you approach the play time. The cousin may have trouble with over stimulation around other children, noise, activity... There are some activities you can introduce to the situation that have a focusing and calming effect.

Bring a bag of balloons. Most families avoid balloons because of the danger to babies, but if you supervise the activity and clean up, things should be safe. Have the kids blow up balloons and then sit on them to pop them by sitting on them. This activity provides focus in two ways. It takes focus to blow up the balloon and it requires a lot of energy to do it. Popping the balloon meets their physical needs to be rambunctious and jump about, but it takes the focus off of wresting each other. Just the blowing alone, can be calming and theraputic.... it may even calm them down.

The balloons is just an example of handling the situation "in the moment" and it doesn't require a big speach or parenting lessons. You'll just come across as a fun and nice Auntie, all of the kids will feel included, and your actions will demonstrate what you want - your actions will set the tone for the environment without having to say anything challenging.

It just really sounds to me like the little guy is struggling to socialize and calm himself down during play time. It may be a self regualtion issue also. Other calming activities are things like play dough... make some home made playdough and bring it over to the following play date.... Soon enough the kids will begin to expect a focused, calm, supervised, play time from you (the adult). Too much open activity might be too stressful for a kid that struggles with self regulation.

Let me know what you think.

Personal experience of late: Just the other day my son was playing with his good friend who has Asperger's (a mild form of Autism). The friend started punching him in the head. Rather than punishing the friend (who may never totally "get it") we switched gears and decided to take a walk to the park. That put all of that punching energy into the boys feet and wore him out. We walked up to the neighborhood park, met some puppies on the way, and the boys climbed and jumped. Our friends need for "joint impact" was met by jumping off of the slide at the park rather than punching my son in the head.

Look to the innocent... maybe the timeouts or even harsher punishment isn't the key here... maybe not the attitude, tone, or environment, anyone wants to spend time in. Kids do what the do to try to meet their needs and cry for help.

YM

If it were me...I would not over step that boundry. Unless I was asked for my opinion. I don't think that unwelcomed advice on raising your children is ever productive. Instead first try having something constructive for the kids to do. A project or a low engery game to play. And make sure that there is plenty of space for them. I have two boys 4 and 18 months. I also have a brother who is just a few months younger than my 4 year old (I know strange). He used to be very rough and 'mean' when they played. He just didn't know how to interact with other kids, he was used to being the only kid. My son would usually end up crying. I noticed though that they rarely fought when they played outside together. There was enough room for each to do their own thing. If you forsee catastrophy I would quickly split them up. Ask your nephew to help with something in a different room. That way he is getting positive attention instead of negative attention.

I think that in most cases people in general are set in their ways on how they chose to disipline their children. I don't think that it's worth it if it ends up being a 'thing' between you and your brother.

This is a tough one. Family is very important, and so is the safety of our children. If I were you I would talk to your brother alone about it. Don't make a big scene about it, just let him know that this is not acceptable. Just ask him to switch shoes with you and see what his response it. Maybe you can suggest that he tell his son if he doesn't behave that he wont get to play with his cousins. Not sure if that would work or not...but I'd give it a shot. Just approach him in a nice way and tell him that you love spending time with him but that his son is beginning to be a big problem. I think he will get the hint (hopefully!) Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

I suggest that instead of telling them what to do that you tell them what you will expect and say that when the kids are playing too roughly it has to stop immediately or else they'll just have to go home because you want to keep the kids safe. And/or you are teaching your children to how to be safe and when you nephew doesn't follow the rules of the house he has to be stopped or leave.

You could write down the rules that you expect your children to follow etc.

I would also say that "hysterics" are not accepted in front of your children. They'll pick up bad habits and then say the parents and child must go to a different room until he's calmed down or I think it would be alright to ask them to leave.

This will be tough to do and they may not accept it and either ignore it and be upset and not visit at all. Or they could turn it into a drama that you then have to deal with.

What is important to remember is that this is your house and you expect such and such from your children and any other children in the house. Also emphasizing safety and consistency for your children. Kids do pick up the bad habits of other children.

You could say time outs in the house are handled this way (to include not reacting to their bid for pity)and you expect the same thing from other parents and children while they are in your house.

By focusing on what you do and expect for you and your family you are not telling them how to parent. This is a more positive way to approach it and has the possibility of avoiding defensiveness.

Another thought that might work but I don't know your brother is to limit vists to a short period of time. Whatever time that has the possibility of keeping the kids calm. And then focus on the kids activities that are calm. Perhaps you will have to be the one who enforces the rules at first. Hopefully, as your brother sees how you do it, he'll pick it up.

Another way that I've seen this handled is to separate the kids. Put them in separate rooms to play.

Good luck. This is a difficult situation but an important one to stope for you and your children.

The next time a situation like that occurs I would tell your brother that you are going to have to stop getting your children together for visits. Let him know that you would like to preserve/continue the relationship between the two of you, but let him know that you think it is best for the time being that the children not play together. If you continue exposing your children to this situation and one of them is seriously injured it will be your fault as much as it is his.

I wouldn't allow him to play with your children until he is under control. I wouldn't beat around the bush about why, it is simple, you need to protect your children and if he isn't going to play nice then he doesn't need to be playing with them. He may have his feelings hurt but maybe that will be enough to get him to change.

You need to protect your children.