Am I Not Doing Something Right?! Please HELP!!!

Dr. Sears has some good discipline advice, scroll down to the "Bothersome Behavior" part for specific issues:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Hi Mommy, my boys are two years apart as well, I also have a daughter, 3 years younger than the younger boy. My oldest had the World's Worst Case of the 5 Year Old Nasties! While the younger boy was (and still is) the Can Do Kid.

Like yours, he had NO problems at school or while in the care of anyone but me. In fact his K teacher was SHOCKED at our conference when she was telling me what a wonderful boy he was, and I was telling her what a freaking nightmare our home life had become because of his 'over-reaction' to every little thing.

Hated to do it, but FINALLY asked our pediatritian for a referral to a child psychologist. Very humbling to know that I ALONE cannot figure out what's best for my own child, you know?

I told him we were going to visit a lady who knows a LOT about little boys, and maybe she could help us be happier.

Which she did. Only took two visits for her to show me exactly where I was going wrong with this kid. Well not that I was WRONG so much as shedding light of various different possibilities that I had not thought of, sigh.

Anyway, newly armed with information about my own son from a total stranger, we completely cleared up all the issues we were having. In hindsight, it MAY have been a phase which might of ended anyway, but it was a TREMENDOUS relief to have the perception that I had help.

Said 5 year old nightmare is now a freshman at an engineering college on merit scholarships, and between then and now, that Evil Child never reared it's ugly head again, so insightful was the guidance I got from the Child Psychologist.

So there's MY story! Maybe it's time for you to bring in the pros too?

:)

He sounds like he just might be really strong-willed and trying to test limits and get his way with the tantrums. Give him choices wherever possible - "Do you want to sit in the cart or hold onto the side?" If he can't behave at the store, he goes in time-out in the car, and next time will have to stay home. I would let him know that if he decides to pitch a fit at home, or starts whining, he will need to do it alone in his room - don't be his audience. Any other behaviors (hitting, etc.) earn him a 5 minute time-out IMMEDIATELY - set the timer and if he gives you a hard time or tries to leave, re-set the timer and start over. No exceptions. The fact that he's good for preschool tells me that he knows the difference, and maybe he knows you will love him no matter what - or the teacher just handles him differently, so you can also try talking to her. You will need to be very firm and clear about your expectations, as in "If you decide to break a toy, you will lose one of yours." Sometimes having a "soft" approach, like saying, "I really wish you would not break your brother's toys, okay?" really does not get the message across.

I recently read "Setting Limits in Your Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. Robert MacKenzie and I found it very helpful. I especially like that he does NOT advocate spanking and even states that spanking will only make things worse in kids like this. The best approach is just be calm, matter-of-fact, and in control. He describes strong-willed kids as needing to do "research", as in testing you over and over to see what it takes for you to give in and see how serious you really are - or sometimes just to see how worked up they can get you because now they are the ones in control instead of the other way around. "Aggressive researchers" sometimes can only learn the hard way - telling them what will happen is not enough, you must follow through right away and stick with it. And this is their inherent personality - you have done nothing wrong, some kids are naturally more laid-back and compliant, even in the same family, so different temperments require different approaches. I would highly recommend reading it through and seeing how it might apply to you, your son, and your situation.

Have you heard of Love and Logic....I would explore this parenting technique if nothing else to help take some of the frustration from you....I know when my sister's daughter is being whining my niece is given the option of staying in the same room as her M. or going to her room if she insist of whining..that kind of thing. It puts the behavior back on the child and they end up choosing what happens based on their behavior. If she stops whining then she gets to stay and participate in whatever is going on. If she decides to continue whining she goes to her room (whether voluntary or involuntary). He must be getting some kind of payoff if he continues to do this....so just make sure you're not being inconsistent in whatever you are trying and also make sure he is getting some time with you and his dad, as it may be a jealousy thing with having to share you with a sibling. Good Luck!

Is he transitioning out of naps? Is he getting enough sleep? My 4 year old is awful when she's tired, but otherwise fine. We are getting a lot more whining and fussing since she's only napping once or twice a week now.
3 and 4 are pretty close in age, and the older one is probably jealous, and also frustrated that he's always "the bad kid." I would try making sure he's getting enough one-on-one parental attention, like the other moms mentioned. I would also try strict limit-setting and letting them choose their behavior. But you have to follow through, and you have to do it every time. If the consequence is one that you really don't want or can't deal with, like if you are line at the grocery store and you know damn well you aren't leaving, don't put that as a consequence.
Does he ever play well with his brother? Does he ever show him love? If the answer is no, then you may have an extreme case of sibling rivalry and you might have to approach it from that perspective. Remember, they are close in age, and the younger one was born when the older one needed you a lot, and he probably feels he didn't get the attention he really needed because you had to take care of the baby when he was really a little toddler.
Try thinking of them as twins with equal needs and treating them like that and see if that helps. If you do that for a few months, and it isn't working, then I'd start thinking about family therapy.

Two thoughts come to me as I read your descriptions. First, it is possible that whatever means of discipline you've employed so far is poorly matched to your son's particular personality, and he's reached the limits of what he can endure. That's got to be just plain baffling, since his brother doesn't have the same difficulties. But rather than just experimentally adding or subtracting methods of punishment and control, I strongly suggest you read one or more of the books targeted toward "difficult" or "spriited" children, and come up with a game plan you can follow with more confidence.

Three parenting books that have brought new calm and happiness to many families I know are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish (my favorite parenting book ever); Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Kurcinka; and Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD. I'm just reading this now, and it's a gem, especially for parents who may have had a very strict and rule-bound upbringing themselves. You can catch kids with honey, even if vinegar has no appeal for them.

Because the distressing behavior happens almost exclusively at home, I also wonder about another possibility:

Chemical sensitivities are becoming common in children, and can have a tremendous impact on their physical and mental processes. I have suffered from this myself for 20+ years, and experienced mental and emotional effects that are difficult for me as an adult. I have watched children in group testing situations go from calm and polite to raging, weeping, or intractable only minutes after some dilute chemical was squirted under their tongues.

Modern homes contain a shocking list of chemicals that can overload a child: anything perfumed, like toiletries, detergent and fabric softeners, most household cleaning products, auto exhaust, new plastics…. There are also colors and preservatives in many foods that have recently been proven to make susceptible kids more hyper. Is it at all possible your son is being exposed to some product in your home that he doesn't encounter in those other environments?

It may be worth checking out. You can try sealing all suspicious products in plastic bags and using free and clear detergent, baking soda or vinegar for most cleaning for the next 2-3 weeks, and watch for any improvements. If reintroducing the products back into the home then results in worse behavior, you'll have a possible solution to work on.

I know this sounds like a lot of change, but it's really not that hard to try. Most of the household products and toiletries commonly used are really not needed, and they are expensive. We believe we need them because the advertising is so compelling. But I've used very little for cleaning in my home besides baking soda, white vinegar, borax, hydrogen peroxide, and scent-free detergent for over 20 years. My house always smells clean and pleasant – and visitors often remark that the atmosphere is "calming." I think their bodies are noticing the lack of toxins in the air.

Wishing you all well.

You have some great answers down below. We also have a strong willed son (who is 7 now). Your post sounds so familiar...all I can say is be firm but kind and don't let him get his way all the time. We found that our son is definitely getting much more mature and easier to deal with in this last year. It has taken a lot of work on our part and has been exhausting. Just keep reminding him what the consequences will be for acting badly and then always follow through. It is amazing to me how all of a sudden our son will now shrug and say, ok, when we ask him to do something or when he cannot get his way. Anyway, hang in there. Your son will mature!

Hi! Poor thing - you need to schedule a massage or something for yourself so you can de-stress!

All personalities are different, no matter whether we raise our children the same or not.

You are definitely not the only one who has a child who behaves like this!
I see this behavior every day when I'm out in public, or at work, when parents drop off their children. The children act out until M. leaves the center, then they are fine.

And he acts out for you and dad because he can. He knows that you will love him no matter what. Other people, not so much. If he acts up for them, they might not like him anymore. So he feels safe doing it with you and dad. Yeah, I know. It sucks. : ) But it's actually a good thing. Secondly, he acts out with you because your response so far has allowed it and it will continue until you change your response.

I highly recommend the book, "Stress Free Parenting in 12 Steps" by Christiane Kutik.

Basically, you need to set the expectations for your son(s). Use the technique with both of them. First, get down to your son's level, and make eye contact. Then, use his name, and tell him what you expect. If he complies and does it - super! But don't thank him for doing it. That leads him to believe he has a choice. He doesn't. Children should not be given choices until they are about 7 years old. (I can hear all the gasps now from all those mothers out there who have bought into the idea that we should be giving two year olds choices!) But that's what I said - young children should not be given choices. They are not ready for it yet.

Children need the parent to BE THE PARENT and set the expectations. They need structure/rhythm in their day/life.

So, here's an example of what I would do.

Your older son hits his brother. First, attend to the little one, making sure he is okay. This will show your son that his attention getting behavior gave the attention to the wrong child (in his eyes). Then, kneel down to your son's level, and make eye contact, showing him that you are fully present in that moment with him. Calmly but firmly say, "Joe, hitting is not allowed. I expect you to treat your brother with kindness and respect. If you hit your brother, you will not be allowed to play with him or his toys."

Then, move on. Let him see that you expect his compliance, and are not going to spend anymore time on that situation.

If he hits him again, to see what you'll do, give him your full attention again, look him in the eye, and say, again, calmly and firmly, "Joe, hitting is not allowed. You hit your brother again, so you will now spend time in your room. You are not allowed to play with your brother or his toys." Then remove him from the playroom. If he comes out of his room, which he probably will, at first, because he needs to test this new mommy thing, simply walk him back, and repeat the whole thing - kneeling down, eye contact, using his name, stating expectations.

This will probably take several attempts for him to realize that you are serious, you are not changing what you are doing, and you expect compliance. But you have to keep it up. Remain committed and consistent.

When he starts whining because he doesn't want to sit in the cart - kneel down, look him in the eye, and say, "Joe, whining is not allowed. I expect you to use your big boy voice to tell me why you're upset." Hopefully he will tell you he doesn't WANT to sit in the cart. Then you say, "I understand that you don't want to sit. But the rule in the store is that you must sit in the cart. If you don't we will need to leave the store." Be prepared to leave the store, if he doesn't do it. ALWAYS follow through. Always be consistent. Never, ever, ever make empty threats.

If he DOES sit down (don't expect it the first time this happens) simply move on, saying, "Now, can you help me find ______?" This shows him you expected his compliance, and have moved on. Again, don't thank him for listening. That tells him he had a choice not to.

It may take a week or two of this new technique to kick in, but it REALLY works well, as long as you follow it every single time. And, speaking from experience, I can tell you that it is SO nice to be able to state your expectations and have your children follow them.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there! Let us know what happens.
Blessings, J.

Maybe some one on one time with you and dad. You take one, dad takes one and then do some reverse time. Since you know he can be well behaved with other folks, he has the ability. Maybe he's just needing more YOU or DAD.

Blessings.....

It sounds like he likes the reaction he gets with the tantrums. he knows to behave with others, so he chooses to behave or misbehave. dont really know what to advice specifically to help you, but Dr' Phill's site could help.

To me it sounds like there are 2 dynamics going on here. He has control of the situation by using the tantrums and negative reinforcement doesn't work for him. What is most important to remember is that why he is doing this is because he is really seeking more love and affection but doesn't know how to express that need. Instead he is gaining a reaction, negative or positive, from you and that is good enough for now, otherwise he would have stopped this tactic and tried another. In other words, it's working for him. So, time to gain back control and focus on the positive. (I have a feeling positive reinforcement means a whole lot more to him than negative.) In other words, no matter how many time outs, spankings, taking things away you try, this type of behavior modification won't work with him. (My son was the same way.) First because he is old enough to understand things, sit down at home with him and describe the expected behavior you want him to have in the store for example. Remind him later, right before entering the store of the expected behaviors and also remind him of the reward you will give him when he does this. Don't say anything about the negative ways he used to act. Just state rather matter of factly, now that you are big boy when we go into the store I expect you to... (then give him the list of things you would expect but keep it to 3 things.) Then also tell him what great thing he will earn if he does this! (Positive reinforcement) The reward doesn't have to be a store bought thing especially when all he really wants is more love and affection. It could be an activity that you know he likes but you rarely have time for (going to a park), or it could be an activity that you do often (like reading a book together), but he might get the added bonus of getting to do it with just you while you find someone to watch your younger child. If he forgets to sit quietly in the cart for example, just gently remind him, this is one of those things a big boy should do is sit quietly in the cart and if I have to remind you one more time, you will not receive your prize. If he still proceeds to throw the tantrum, the best thing to do is remove your selves from the situation. For my son, when he threw a tantrum in the store, no matter how full my cart was, we left. We left the cart sitting there. I apologized to the clerk and picked him up and walked out. I didn't say a thing to him. I just picked him up and began walking out. He quickly quieted down and then asked, well, what about my prize? I very quietly said you weren't sitting quietly like a big boy would, so we will try another day. He started begging and pleading, and even said "Well, what about the rest of the stuff?" I said, no, it was all staying there and we will go back and get it another day. Guess what? The next time I walked in that store, I had an angel in the cart! I also read the book the Five Love Languages and realized one of my son's love language is quality time. So, I started doing more things with him and focused on exclusively him which gave him that feeling of being more loved and accepted. One of the things that he gets a joy doing together is cleaning the house, but only if we are doing it together and making it fun along the way. We have the radio playing and when we are all done, we plop down on the living room floor and have dinner together or play a game. I get things done and he gets more love and affection by spending that "quality" time together. Focus on the positive and find out what love language your family likes and that will help immensely.

Speaking of which, my organization is bringing the author of the Five Love Languages in to Dayton on May 21 at the Schuster Center. For more information go to www.TrustMarriage.com or to buy tickets.

I hope this helps!

No advice about the aggressive behavior toward the little brother, but I just answered another question about the tantrums. My 4 1/2 y.o. used to have terrible tantrums and even now still cries a lot more than most children. So you are not the only one who has a child like this, but I would say that it's not really typical of children his age. My son definitely cries more than his 1-y.o. sister. And, same thing as you, his teachers tell me he is perfect at school. But honestly, I say, thank goodness for small favors. I'd rather he be good in public and difficult in private. At least it tells me that he does know how to behave in a socially acceptable way. Of course, the downside is that you don't have outside help dealing with the problem behavior.

What we do is a lot of talking when he's not tantrumming. I have an idea what sort of things will trigger his tantrums, so we talk about what are acceptable alternatives when he's upset, what will happen if he does have a tantrum (timeout, leave wherever we are, confiscation of toys/privileges), etc. We also have a star chart, and he gets a sticker whenever we have a tantrum-free playdate. When he was much younger, we used to just let him cry and ignore him. This was on the advice of a behavioral therapist. Now we make him go to his room if he's going to cry so at least we don't have to hear it.

Other good books are "Taming the Spirited Child" and "The Explosive Child." Good luck. This is by far our biggest issue with our son, and it's been so tough. It's exhausting, embarrassing, worrisome, and frustrating. I completely sympathize with you.

There are many books out there on raising strong willed and spirited children. Check them out. You will get some great advice and most of all know that you are NOT the only one.