My Almost 5 Yo Son Always Prefers His Dad over Me

Stop letting him have his way all the time. If dad isn't available or you need him to come with you then you pick him up and leave. You don't argue, you con't sit and beg, you don't do anything except pick his hiney up and go.

The tantrum will eventually stop. He sounds like he has won way too many times.

you must must must must not put a little boy in charge of your adult emotions.
he is not mature or experienced enough for this responsibility. he's a little boy. you need to be his mom, his parent, his role model, the calm strong center of his world that can always be relied upon.
he won't thank you for this. he won't recognize it until he's grown up. he's just a little boy. he's 5. he's living in the moment, and all kids go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other, sometimes ridiculously. parents must not develop hurt feelings and attribute adult motivations to little boys.
there is no 'refuse' to eat or go to bed without daddy. both you and your husband need to be firm about the house rules, and yeah, it's important for your husband too to be calm and strong and loving and firm about the rules too. your dh, just like you, needs to neither encourage nor 'enjoy' this temporary situation.
your son needs adults in his life. you and your husband both need to step up and be the adults. if you cede your happiness and well-being to a very small boy (and lose all authority when the grandparents are around- how does that happen?) then you really do need to take a deep breath, pull up those big girl panties, and find your voice. not to nag. not to guilt-trip. not to whine. but to be the emotional and psychological head of your household.
khairete
S.

You may not like what I'm about to say, but I do no favors by candy-coating this...

Suz T. is right, and very to the point. What you are doing, piling your emotional needs on your child (and others, from past posts) is unhealthy for both you and your son.

First, and I'm not saying this to be mean, but to be honest-- your son should not be your *entire world*. Where does that leave your husband? Where does that leave *you*? It seems like you are cultivating a dysfunctional, codependent relationship. "I do all these things for you and you don't want me and that makes me unhappy." Guess what? This is parenting. We do stuff for our kids ALL the freaking time and maybe half the time they are aware of it, and a small percent of the time they are actually and vocally grateful. Why? Because, if we are doing our job, our kids feel secure that we will love and provide for them and keep them safe. It is our job and not something we should expect affection and thanks in return for. Emotionally mature adults understand this and know that parenting is about creating a (hopefully wonderful) adult over a long period of time, not about having a child to love them back.

Love and affection happens when there is respect. At four and five and six, your son is seeking independence and some context for his social identity. He's strongly identifying with Daddy, which is NORMAL. He wants to do with/like Dad because Daddy is his role model.What you are interpreting as targeted rejection is likely more about this development. I would strongly recommend reading up on child development and the social and emotional development of children.

Getting into a power struggle with both your husband and your child only frustrates everyone. If I were in your shoes, I'd check with my husband when "I want daddy" works for him and when it doesn't. Your husband likes that his son wants to wait and do things with him. Who doesn't like being considered? I'm not saying the two of you don't need to be on the same page, but really-- does it have to be YOUR page, the one you dictated?

No one's perfect. When I find myself in conflict with my son and husband, I can usually, in a moment of soul-searching, figure out that this is about MY unmet needs and then can sort of find some objectivity. I would encourage you to also try to take a more objective stance.

I would also strongly suggest counseling for you and maybe your family. It seems that you feel the actions are meant to cause you direct pain. The people in your life are behaving in a quite usual manner, considering the circumstances. Your responses are rather insular-- they don't take into account the goodness or healthy motivations of the others. You are missing a whole part of the picture. Your son needs a strong mom growing up,not a mom who is emotionally devastated by normal child development.

And yes, if your in-laws are around and they are always helping to pay the bills, they are not going to see you as a capable, fully-formed adult. They see you as a dependent and may feel they can over-ride you and treat you as such. It would be good for you and your husband to figure out how you can be financially independent of them-- for everyone's sake.

I think you need to stand up for yourself. If the grands (are they DH's parents or yours) are interfering, call them on it. "No, I said no TV right now. I mean it." and unplug it.

Or "We need to do x, and Daddy isn't able to come with us today. Please put your shoes on."

Be firm but fair. My guess is that your son is smart and prefers whoever gives in vs whoever makes him do things like take a bath and drink his milk. Am I right?

As for your DH, I'd have a frank conversation with him that it's not cute or funny and he needs to be understanding of his WIFE.

The flip side is that while I adore my DD, she is not "my whole world" so if you are (as others have suggested) hinging your confidence or self worth on your mercurial 5 yr old, please don't. Do encourage him to have relationships with both parents, but not at the expense of you over his father or vice versa. He is a child, not a car.

Kids go back and forth between parents switching who is their favorite.
Our son always wanted me and not Dad, and then they became best buddies doing everything together, and then he'll switch back to wanting me doing things with him.
He's 16 now and enjoys doing things with both of us.

When our son was about 3 he pushed Dad away from me and told Dad
"My Mommy! Get your own Mommy!".
It was a shock that he was so angry/jealous that I was paying attention to Dad and not him.

They needed time alone together - looking at fire trucks, getting our son his first tool belt, becoming Daddys Little Helper - doing Guy Stuff!- and they get along great now!
It helps if the favored parent doesn't allow the favoritism to get out of hand.
When I was the favorite and child was always picking me, I'd tell him he's hurting Dad's feelings and I love Dad and I don't want Dad's feeling hurt.
Dad did the same for me when he was the favorite.
So I think your husband could help you out by sticking up for you and by not showing approval for when your son is disrespecting you.
You and son need some alone/fun time together too.

Grandparents are a separate issue.
If you lose all authority with your son when they are around then I wouldn't have them around much.
They raised their kid(s) and had their say when doing it.
It's your turn now and they should respect that.

Job one is ensuring that if your son, for instance, "refuses" to go somewhere because daddy isn't going--well, son has to go, period, daddy or not. Scoop him up and ignore the fuss. Daddy, if present and not going, should be the one telling son that son has to go. Be sure that you don't let son "refuse" things that simply must be done just to avoid a fuss over his wanting daddy.

Once you're sure you're not letting this phase rule the roost: Realize that this is indeed a normal phase for many kids. First, get some good books on child development -- books that talk about the "ages and stages" children go through. Good-quality books will help you understand how your son's mind is working at this point in his life, and understanding that could help you feel less hurt; you need some reassurance that this is NOT personal towards you, though of course it feels that way. One good series of books is by Louise Bates Ames and you can get books about kids by age. Look at the book for kids of four as well as the "your five year old" book--children don't follow stages precisely so your son might be covered by both these books.

Second, your husband needs to read the same things you read and you and he need a serious sit-down talk when your child is not around. You need to express to him that while you know logically that your son is not intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, you do feel it when your son prefers daddy over you, and your husband's "enjoying" it makes you feel worse. Don't blame or accuse; instead use statements like "When you do X, I feel Y." Your husband should not be egging your child on, if that is what you mean by his enjoying this attention from your son. If your husband is somehow actively encouraging your son to prefer him, or if your husband mocks your feelings when you indicate it's not nice, for instance, to run from mommy -- then your husband needs to stop, now. I truly hope he's not doing those things.

Third, do you tend to be the parent who says "no" a lot, and who enforces things like taking a nap, leaving a playdate when son doesn't want to go, eating vegetables -- while your husband doesn't really do those things but is all about "Let's go have fun"? If that is your dynamic, you and dad need to mix it up a lot more. I've seen a lot of families where it's "enforcer mom, fun dad" too much of the time and young kids start to expect "no" from mom every time and fun from dad all the time. If you are the disciplinarian but dad never is, and if you take son to the park down the street but dad takes him to the amusement park all day Saturday....it's time to re-examine that dynamic. Maybe that's not the case with you but I've seen it with friends and it took some conscious change to end it.

Agree with the moms below.

To me you sound quite insecure. I am guessing your son is picking up on this.

Recently when clearing out some old kid stuff, I came across a note my oldest son had written and hidden in his drawer. It said "I hate mom!!". I had encouraged my kids to write down their emotions to get them out - and this just struck me as funny, so I kept it. It was probably because I made him eat his beans or something, or said no to watching a show.

Guess what? If you're a good mom, your son will be pissed off at you, resent you, etc. They're not always going to like you or be your friend. If you take it all personally .. you're in for a whack of pain.

If he doesn't respect you and instead turns to his dad or his grandparents to look for guidance or security - that should be a sign to you mom to get your emotions in check. Kids pick up when we doubt ourselves.

Get together with your husband on this and parent together. Try to do this yourselves as much as possible without the grandparents being so involved. Sounds like there is a boundary issue there - sometimes when we accept financial help or our expectations are a bit childish, it confuses kids.

Good luck :)

Kids go through different phases. As hard it may be on you, I think you need to deal with your feelings separate from your child and your husband. It sounds like he knows how you feel, but in all honesty, I think you may be feeling a little extra sensitive about it. Your child may be identifying with Dad more at this stage in his life and that is totally normal and ok. If you make it an issue, it will be an issue. I'd do your best to manage these feelings on your own. Being a parent kicks up all sorts of feelings in us and we have to deal with them on our own. That's part of life.

This is so normal, you can't take it personally. A small child does not have full ability to empathize so he has no idea that his actions are hurting you, nor should he at this point. Let him favor his dad, it is okay. Throughout my son's lives there have been times they favored me, and times they favored my husband. My oldest has almost always favored my husband, they just connect in a way we don't. The same is true for my younger and myself. It does not mean in any way that my oldest loves me less, or that my younger son loves dad less, they just simply click with one or the other of us better right now.

My daughter is 5 and she goes back and forth with who the favorite parent is. When Dad is chopped liver I will say things like, no, you can't treat Daddy like that. You don't say those things. Daddy is the best! When she doesn't want me and if she is being mean my husband says, Well, that is not kind and I love Mommy. Be nice to Mommy. Stuff like that. There was a period of time where she would cry and insist that I put her to bed or give her bath or read to her. That has passed. One thing I would do is every now and then I would be walking the dog at bathtime so dad had to do it. Or I would have my class or a meeting about one evening every week...so dad had to put her to bed. When he had to do it and I was not there things always went fine. One time I did a retreat over a weekend which gave my husband and kids a lot of fun time together. They were always fine without me. Anyway, don't take it personally. He loves you. It's just a phase kids go through. I remember my son going through this at about this age. Dad was the best. But he is 11 now and he adores his mom...he is always giving me hugs and he confides in me with his problems.

So let me see if I am following, your mom won't support your family monetarily like his parents will, god forbid you support your own family, and that is causing a drift. Now your son doesn't like you as much as you feel he should and that is causing a drift.

Is anything your fault?

Kids tend to prefer one parent over another. Parents are not responsible to support you when you are too lazy to do it yourself. You really need to stop thinking everyone is required to do as you please.

After reading some of the responses I have to point out two things, one, Suz is spot on. I also want to add that kids gravitate to structure. Sure if you are going to the mall they go for the fun time parent but day to day their preference is the parents who has clear boundaries, clear rules, it makes them feel safe. Usually this is the mom because we tend to be very protective of our young. If your son doesn't want to go places with you it is a very real possibility that you do not make him feel safe. That he feels he can't count on you.

Don't it tear you apart. You need to learn how to deal with this, because this is just the very beginning. Kids favor parents in stages. You might be the favored one sooner than you think. However, you have to not let this hurt your feelings or make you feel better about yourself if he does favor you at some point. Kids can read feelings pretty well. He doesn't need to know his normal growing phases are causing you so much angst.

Just wait until he is a teenager and you're on a roller coaster ride with him through this (possibly) turbulent time. You need to toughen up mama, because this parenting stuff isn't easy. Be thankful he has a good dad and know that it will be your turn soon. But don't base your life and feelings on it.

Our #1 responsibility as parents is to raise our children to be self sufficient, independent, capable adults. Emotionally, financially, and in all other ways. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I just don't see your child ending up that way when neither of his parents can manage it for themselves yet.

You and dad both need to work on yourselves. Cut the cord from grandparents, learn how to be successful adults - learn about child development, what kids need. Raise him to do better than the two of you have. And that starts by doing better, yourselves. This just seems like a big train wreck to me, sorry :(

Dad needs to STEP UP and be a MAN for your little boy. As in a firm, loving example of how men should act.

Grown MEN do not bow to the demands of a five-year-old to sleep with them. Grown men CAN sleep with their kids if they want occasionally, but the grown men need to be in charge of where the kids sleep. Or do you mean he only wants his dad to PUT him to bed, like story time? That's fine. Let them do that.

Grown men teach their sons to RESPECT their moms. That means sometimes saying, "No, son, go with mom, and no fits." and "Son, eat your food, and listen to your mom." or "Son, your mom invited you. You're going with your mom."

The fact that your husband is milking this is not good, and hopefully not permanent. And don't get me started on in-laws. Urgh. Sounds like you've got a manchild for a husband who takes his orders form his parents and his child.

Marriage counseling may be in order here and I don't often recommend it.

It's YOUR job to stick up for yourself if no one else will. "Son, you're coming with me" How does he refuse? A tantrum? Your husband steps in and sides with the child? Tantrums need to not be allowed at 5. You need to toughen up a bit. And dad needs to quit it. In private (not in front of child) you need to enforce rules with your husband not to contradict you, and not to let your son lead so much.

Your child is doing what he's getting away with from both your husband and you. Do NOT get emotionally "hurt" and become a victim. THAT will drive all the men in your home far far away fast and they'll never take you seriously.

Get some professional guidance on how to enforce your boundaries in your home and have an equal say in raising your child. I feel for you, good luck!!

You are the parent and he is the child. What you say goes and he HAS to learn to obey. You know more than he does in life as you are older. You set what happens in your little family no one else.

Kids go through phases of which parent they want to be with. Others have pointed this out for you. Don't get all upset with panties in a bunch about who he loves. Work on you and what you want in life. You are the parent and not the friend/buddy. You are teaching him how to be independent and responsible citizen of the world and you have 18 years to do that. When he is 21 or so you can become friends. Grandparents need to be put in check on how you want things done and if they can't do it, then find someone else that will. Boundaries need to be established and they need to be strong. What momma says, goes end of story.

Find other things to do in your life so that your child can be your life but your life is not your child. There are so many other things to do in life than to be hung up over a child who will grow and move on. He is not responsible for your happiness only you are not any other family member just you.

Do find parenting classes for both of you and take them and learn from them. Also learn how to live within your means of what you make and not be dependent upon someone else for money. We try to teach people how to fish and not to hand out a fish a day.

Time to stand on your own two feet and not come begging every month for handouts. Sorry to be so blunt but you previous posts talk about finances so it is time to learn how to deal with them as well.

the other S.