My 9 Year Old Son in the Spectrum for Some Reason Yells at Me at Bus Stop

Help him work on transitions. Generally when my son lost his temper with me it was a bad transition, wasn't ready, forgot something, realized something. I really don't think these kids realize how loud they become when they are frustrated with themselves. It looks odd to others and really he needs to learn how to transition well because life is full of them.

Everyone knew my son has autism. I saw no upside in hiding it from anyone. When people know you have a challenge they like to help. It is a lot nicer than judging because they don't know better.

Anyone rolling their eyes at anyone...? Oh lord, lets stop behaving like teenagers.

Julie S is right in suggesting that two-part advice: work with your son AND try to build community by being helpful in offering information about your son. Most people I know will adjust their expectations if they know 1. hey, there's a bigger issue going on and 2. "we're really working on it".

Letting people know what's going on can help a lot. It gives them tools to help them understand the situation and have compassion instead of judgment.

It's not always easy, but you are going to have to develop a very thick skin.

My son is 8, and this used to upset me so much! I have gradually been able to remind myself that people will make judgements based on ignorance that are completely unfair. But I am not going to let that stop me from being the best mom that I can to my son. I am very open about his diagnosis. I have been very fortunate in finding many people in our school and church who do understand and encourage him and support us, and this honestly helps me to pay a lot less attention to those who don't understand and who aren't supportive.

Some people don't realize your son is on the spectrum. Some people might know this but honestly have no idea what that means or have very incorrect ideas of what that means. Some people honestly will think that you are wrong (about his diagnosis) or that you are just using it as an excuse. You have to train yourself to not care about that. You have to just block those people out and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and to heck with anyone who doesn't realize that.

My MIL (bless her heart) is very ignorant. She has no idea what it means that our son is on the Autism Spectrum. We try to explain things to her, and I think she's learning. She says ignorant things to us, and for the most part we just brush it off. She doesn't understand what Autism is, so it really prevents her from understanding some of the things our son does. I can only do so much, so I just try to let it go. She's learning.

There's only so much you can do, but the most important thing you can do is love your son! Surround yourself with people that do understand and do support you, and love your son with every fiber of your being!

Hi M.M.,

In my experience, the judgment and competition start at conception and never seems to wane with some moms. I'm sorry you're having this experience. I would posit that perhaps the bus stop is overwhelming and anxiety provoking for him causing him to be more reactive than usual.

Having said that, I will add that on the spectrum or not, it is important for him to learn that, no matter how he's feeling, he must treat you with respect and yelling is unacceptable. My suggestion is that you figure out a singular way to calm him and redirect him and use it every time he has engages in that sort of behavior. Spectrum kids often have proprioception issues as well. My suggestion would be to get down to his level, take his arms or hands in yours and gently, with a calm voice, remind him that he's not allowed to yell at you. Turn him away from everyone else so he can focus on your direct gaze and keep telling him the expectation over and over. Don't get mad at him. He's responding to something and you are the safe place to direct his feelings.

Lastly, IGNORE the other moms. Their opinion is completely irrelevant. They have never walked a block much less a mile in your shoes and need to keep their judgment to themselves, or maybe let go of it completely and focus on their kids instead.

S.

He's high functioning so he should understand this. Before you leave house, tell him where you are going and what your expectations are of him. We are going to the bus. I expect you to stand (with or without friends) or with you. Or sit on bench if there is one etc. Tell him if he yells at you there will be consequences. Just be prepared to follow thru with what you said i.e, no video comes etc. He will get it. Fix this early on.

Some kids (on the spectrum or not) sometimes have trouble with transitions. Maybe the stress/adjustment of leaving home and getting on the bus is hard for him, so he acts out. Maybe there's something going on during the bus ride that is unpleasant and stressful for him, so he yells at the only people he knows will love him no matter what - you and your husband.

Don't let the eye rolling bother you - if they're doing it, they're being pretty immature. If your son isn't within earshot, you can consider ("consider" - important) commenting that "Sometimes kids on the spectrum have outburst or frustration when it comes to transitions. We're working on it." But if they are judgmental, it could wind up with them broadcasting to everyone including the other kids that your child is on the spectrum. So it's a judgment call for you.

The other thing is to learn to handle these moments quietly and directly with your son, without regard to the other parents. You can say, "I know it's hard to switch from home to bus and from bus to school, but we don't yell or have a temper tantrum when we're frustrated." If you don't have services to help you with him, see what's available in the school or find someone privately to help you work with him.

It's not necessarily helpful - and it could be considered very rude - for the one neighbor to share with you this gossip about you. So decide if you value all these people enough to include them in your confidences. You cannot let them run your life or think less of yourself though.

I agree with those who have said to talk to the mothers, but I really do believe it is in your best interest to tell them that your son is on the spectrum. Tell them that you are grateful that he is high functioning, but it is a work in progress with his attitude with his parents and you would appreciate it if they could at least try not to be so hurtful.

You do need to understand that there are parents who don't discipline their kids and are bad parents. People don't like that. You should know also that there are parents who try their best to discipline and deal with their kids, but their kids are very difficult. Those parents care and try, but still struggle. Those parents who have easy children will never understand what it's like to have difficult temperments to deal with day in and day out. And this is neurotypical kids I'm talking about. So you are NOT the only parent that goes through this...

The ladies here are absolutely right in telling you that you need to work on transitions with him. Seek out your doctor to get some help.

With a child on the spectrum, you will always have to deal with judgmental people. But more than that, your SON will have to deal with judgmental people, for the rest of his life. I know a young man who I see every week who is very smart, very talented, handsome. BUT when he gets upset, misses social cues, something happens that he doesn't expect, and many other "triggers", he blows up. It's ugly! I can't count the times I have had to take him aside and lovingly talk to him about his behavior. And I have to go tell other people that he is autistic because he has hurt them by blowing up at them. Everyone knows how smart and talented he is, but sometimes even knowing he is on the spectrum, he isn't very well liked by people who aren't close to him. Thankfully he has a girlfriend now who really has worked hard to help him keep calm, but she can't help him while he is at work. I have met his parents, and they are wonderful people, calm and patient and loving. They have done their best. He has been living on his own for 4 years, and this is the best that they could have ever hoped for.

And this is YOUR end goal as a parent as well, working towards him being able to take care of himself one day. Getting your son to learn to transition better is your most important immediate goal, over the issue with those moms. But if they are nice ladies, they will be more understanding if they know he's on the spectrum. If they continue rolling their eyes, knowing it, then you don't want to have anything to do with them anyway.

they are the bad moms for not knowing you and what you go thru. shake it off and rol your eyes back. they are ignorant move on.

Tell neighbors to p... off. Then check for intermittent explosive disorder. It follows with broad spectrum autism alot. It is just about one of the worst, most embarrassing disorder. If not treated properly the consequences for his and your families lives.

If I saw another mom, or a group of moms roll their eyes at me after my child had a instance of bad behavior, I would be really hurt. I say, call them out on it. After the kids board the bus, or in another private moment with the rude mom or moms, quietly and respectfully tell them that you noticed their eye rolls after your sons yelling and it was hurtful to you. That's all I would say. I wouldn't bring up autism or anything because you should not have to explain. I would wait to see you they react. They really should apologize to you. All kids have moments of saying horrible things when their emotional minds take over. The kids of those moms aren't perfect angels and they aren't any better parents than you. If they respond by throwing out more criticism or snide comments to defend themselves, I would seriously limit my presence and my child's presence around them. But know that underneath whatever reaction you get, your point probably will sink in enough (even if they can't admit it) they may likely think twice before acting so judgmental

First - I wouldn't care if he is on the spectrum or not. He doesn't get to yell at anyone. We have one rule: don't shame your mother. Before you head to the bus stop each morning, remind him that if he yells at you or is rude, he will pay the consequence - and it has to hurt -- take away computer, TV, whatever his favorite thing is. Just because he is on the spectrum doesn't give him a pass to be a brat.

As for the other mothers - you obviously aren't friends so they don't know you or your family. Ignore them or call them on it. You choose.

I would have the hubby take him to the bus stop. I would tell him, every morning before you go to the bus stop, that he is expected to act like....and give him a list of 2 or 3 things.

Such as not yelling at you, treating others like he wants to be treated, etc....

Then tell him what his consequence will be if he does it. If he does it you need an immediate consequence such as he can't ride the bus, you will drive him. Or you go back home until he can speak nicely to you or about you.

Where we are, kids on the spectrum ride the special needs bus - even those who are high functioning.
No one rolls eyes when kids get on or off - usually just their parents or family members are there as they are dropped off/picked up from their driveways.
A crowd of people and other kids coming/going would be very distracting.
I think maybe you need to talk to someone about coming up with a coping technique for when things don't go well.
As for eye rolling, who cares what they think?
You don't have to explain anything to anyone.

My son is also on the spectrum. Disrespect is NOT an autism thing, it's a human thing. He needs to learn the rules. He also may help with learning how to express his upset/frustration, etc.

You don't yell at people. That is a social rule that ALL people need to follow. Is he allowed to be upset? Yes. Is he allowed to be a jerk? No. He may be more sensitive to some things, and the things that he's sensitive to may be unexpected. But that doesn't give him permission to be a jerk.

See if you can find out WHY he's upset at the bus stop. Is it the morning routine? Are kids mean to him? Does he need more sleep? Visit www.autistikids.com - there might be some useful info on there that can help you AND help him manage his stress/upset.

Ignore the other parents. Their kids are not perfect either.