My 5 Year Old Son Is Misbehaving. We Are Going Thru Some Family Changes:

poor little guy. what a lot of huge, bewildering, terrifying life changes. it would be weird if he DIDN'T act out.

your boundaries for good behavior need to stay consistent, for a host of reasons but germane to this question, so that he has a foundation. with everything in his life in such uncontrollable (from his standpoint) flux, he needs to know where the absolutes are.

the main one is that mommy isn't going to leave him. the others, some of which will involve consequences for bad behavior, are important but less so than the first.

the first thing i think when i see a parent complain that their child won't listen is 'is that child feeling as if he's being heard?'

that's not about sitting down and forcing him to 'express his feelings'. it's an ongoing daily dialogue that involves you constantly re-opening the door he keeps slamming shut.

so if he breaks something, it's probably necessary to remove his stuff, or remove him from the area where the breakable stuff is, because that's a natural consequence. but it's also necessary to understand that this is a metaphor for the rage and fear over the broken reality of his life that he had thought was reliable and constant. so this isn't a case where i'd banish him from my presence. this is a small person who needs an awful lot of patience and reassurance that his world is still safe so long as mommy's in it.

that's not something you can explain to a bereft 5 year old. it has to be demonstrated over time.
khairete
S.

I think you need to keep in mind that most of his behavior is not that unusual for a 5 year old. It's your job to learn to listen and learn betters ways to deal with his emotions, but it's equally important for you to remember that this is a normal phase.

It obviously doesn't help that there's been so much change in his life. That is going to intensify everything and definitely keep his emotions more at the surface.

What he needs from you is a sense of security. There's been so much change that he needs to be reassured that you will always be there and that he isn't going to have to change bedrooms any time soon. He needs a sense of routine and normalcy.

The best thing you can do to correct the negative behaviors is to remain calm, patient and consistent. Certain behaviors cannot be tolerated, but you need to respond in a very calm way.

I want you to know that it's very easy for me to say "stay calm," "be consistent," but it's so much harder to put that into practice. Just the other day, my 8 year old was having a rough day, and there were a couple of times that day when I got really upset with him. It didn't help. The next day went much better, and the couple of times he needed redirection I stayed calm. Huge difference! We're only human, but I know from experience that the calmer I am, the better he will respond. I still get upset sometimes and don't trust that he will respond to me being calm. It always blows up in my face (lol). Calmness always wins the day.

I'm sure he's feeling a lot of upheaval with the change in living arrangements, and he's also missing 2 men in his life. I'm sure he is worried about being abandoned - it's totally normal for kids who don't understand entirely why adults just "disappear." I'm sure his father leaving is having a bigger effect than anything, especially because there's a new child involved. It's normal that your son would feel "replaced" and of course he's worried that you will leave him as well. It's not logical, and while reassurance is important, sometimes it just takes time to get into the stability and new routine. You can consider some work with a children's therapist and some techniques to use. Consistency is going to be really important even though what you are doing is feeling kind of inconsistent to him right now. Maintain what you can (bedtime routines, wake-up times, breakfast choices and so on) especially with your parents in the mix. Sometimes them "helping" can be a new variable that confuses a child. Reassure him of your love and permanence. Also, go to the children's library and ask the librarian for recommendations of books to read to him.

He probably feels a bit abandon. The best thing you can do is spend as much quality time as possible with him, but be firm and consistent with discipline and expectations. When my grandchildren came to live with me, they all acted out. In my mind, they were testing me to see if I would abandon them also. Consistency is key.

Given the circumstances - it's totally normal.
While living with your parents is temporary - you will move out again eventually - you need to do what you can to build some stability into your sons life.
That means - you work to build a life for yourself and your son - avoid anything that will bring further instability - and take a long (several years) break from boyfriends/fiances.
Be patient - but be consistent.
He wants to know you love him in spite of any acting up on his part.
He's got some abandonment issues - so don't make him feel abandoned.

Give him time and understanding, these are some really big changes that he has no control over, and all the people leaving his life more then likely have left him feeling insecure about all his relationships, including with you. If he he pushes you will you leave as well? We of course know the answer is no, but he doesn't know that and so he will test and see if he can really count on you to be there no matter what. Have you considered therapy for him to help him deal with all these huge changes?

Your son has been through a lot. I don't think you should blame his behavior on ADHD. Your son has just had two different men move out of his life, and that is traumatic for a little boy. Your son needs lots of love and attention. Choose your battles. For probably most things it doesn't really matter if he doesn't listen, he is dealing with his loss and trauma.

Mirror your son's emotions. If you think he is sad or angry about something, then say that to him. "You must be sad that your dad moved away." Or whatever.

Don't punish him for this. He needs to be supported through this transition. And don't bring another man into his life until you are sure that you are going to marry him.