My 3 Year Old Daughter Wants to Be a Boy.

Hi G.,
When I was little I resented being a girl also because boys got to do things I wanted to do. My little neice was incensed that she wasn't a boy! I would try to tell her it would be alright and she would be glad someday that she was a girl. She stomped her foot and demanded to know who put her together! Now she is a young mother of three beautiful little girls.
So I say let her be herself.
Victoria

There are all sorts of reasons this could be going on...perhaps she behaves like this to feel closer or better relate to her dad...or because she believes her dad might still be there if she had been a boy. There are all sorts of things that could trigger this. I'd let her dress in neutral clothing: jeans, tshirts, etc. You're buying her clothes, cleaning them, etc, you do have some control. She doesn't need to wear dresses, but she needn't wear boys underwear either (just for example.) Keep things simple, gender neutral and let her choose whatever she wants from those options.
Lots of little girls can be tomboys without believing they are truly trapped in the wrong body. And lots of girls (myself included!) hate wearing girly dresses and things. :)

It is real important, for a child to feel safe and accepted no matter what.
You know that and are trying your best.
But there are societies reactions to that... and other kids. ie: teasing.

In my daughter's grade level, there is a girl, who looks like a boy and dresses like a boy and has boy things such a backpacks etc. But, she has a girl haircut... a chin length bob. If it were not for this hair-cut... she would indeed be mistaken for a "boy" and would look like one. Some kids, including my daughter, have asked her in all innocence (not in teasing or in an attitude way) if she is a "boy" or a "girl." My daughter said she is a "girl" and that her mom painted her room pink.

But personally, I and other's feel, she is a "boy." Those are her interests and how she acts/dresses and plays with. She does not play with girls.

Regardless, as your daughter gets older, there will be teasing.... and who know what else. Therefore, it is PARAMOUNT that any child, have a solid self-esteem and know who they are. Confidence within themselves....
because... gender identity and socialization and social acceptance is real tenuous, and often not nice.

It could be a phase, but as you said, she has been this way for as long as you can remember. So you need to be her support and her soft place to fall.... whenever she needs it, unconditionally. Otherwise, she will have no one... on her side or by her side. And that is a lonely place to be... and it will only cause problems for her as she grows up.
A child no matter what, just needs to be accepted.
And, if you need help in how to deal with this... then maybe some kind of child counseling might help. NOT to "change" your daughter... but just to give you and she the tools needed, to make this all a positive thing... and to help cope with it.
As a parent, I imagine you are facing a lot of things and feelings.

I have known people who are "gay".... but they often have a bad memory of childhood because of parental attitudes toward them and not being accepted. And they deeply resent that and it hurt them. It would anyone.

But as you are going through the different age junctures with her... and as she does get older, it will be hard to know what to do all the time. Just keep close with her and never allow her to shut down or shut you out... otherwise she may not go to you for anything or talk to you about what she is going through, when she needs you most.

Perhaps, ask a counselor on how you can help your daughter the most, as a parent. But the thing you do not want to do... is to be someone that your daughter feels is not on her side. A child needs her Mom... no matter what.

All the best,
Susan

At this age, it may be premature to assume that she is transsexual - you say this is not a phase, but your daughter could just be a tomboy, or have an easier time relating to boys for some reason. You might be surprised that once she sees all of the attention that the new baby girl is getting, she may want to be a girl again. Only time will tell. At this point, I think assuring her that you love her no matter what is a very important step. She needs to know that, although the world may judge her and she may be teased, her home is her safe place.

If you do feel that this is more than being a tomboy or a phase, in a couple of years you may wish to seek some therapy for her. Transsexualism, also known as Gender Identity Disorder, usually does show up in early childhood, and is a recognized disorder by the American Psychiatric Association. I will be honest and say that I know almost nothing about it, but I do know that Transsexuals are not necessarily "gay" as some other people stated in their answers. Their sexual identity has nothing to do with their sexual preferences.

I also know a couple things about our society. Yes, your daughter will probably be teased, but luckily, it is easier for a girl to dress and act like a boy than for a boy to dress and act like a girl, and she may end up being "one of the guys" in school. You might get her involved in sports. Encourage her to remember that manners and some behavior is universal for boys and girls, and to have confidence in herself. I wish you the best of luck.

G.,

It is perfectly normal for children to explore their gender identity at this age. It may have implications for the future, in terms of gender identity or sexual orientation, or it may not. I would recommend meeting with your child's preschool teachers to discuss the situation (and hopefully get them on your and your child's side).

While I'm not a parent of a gender-variant child (not yet, at least), I did do a graduate thesis on the topic. Here is a Website with a list of children's books in which the characters do not conform to gender "norms":

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/d...

I wish you the best of luck, and keep up the good work -- loving and supporting your child no matter what!

R., MSW

Either she'll grow out of this or she won't. The only real risk I can see here is that you try to MAKE her grow out of it, and cause a rift in your relationship.

Also, aside from the "big brother" comment, has she actually said she wants to be a boy, or just that she like the boy stuff (like clothes, and lunchboxes etc.).

My 4 year old son loves to wear dresses and jewelery and will play with the Disney Princesses until the cows come home, but if you actually ask him he'll tell you that no, he is happy to be a boy, he just thinks girls are beautiful. He wants to be a prince so he can marry a princess, he says. Either way, I let him play dress up and rent the movies and put his hair up when he asks (he has dreadlocks). I'd much rather indulge a phase than potentially make him feel badly about who he is.

There's a little boy in his class at school who will only wear ballet-flat style shoes... preferably those with sparkles or bows on them. The little girl two doors down from us always wears boys clothes as well (including trunks to the swimming pool) but, she doesn't want to be a boy, she just says she likes the clothes better.

My advice is to enjoy your little girl exactly as she is.

Like Lola N mentioned, you might be dealing with a transgender child. There's been a lot of attention on this in the media lately (Barbara Walters, Oprah, Dr. Oz) and when you see these kids, they just really seem to know who they are. It's something they are completely serious about and are consistent with. They don't flow back and forth between genders, they know what they want and stick with it. And yes, it really can start that young. Most of the kids I've seen interviewed said they've know for as long as they can remember, even back to being a preschooler. I would definitely seek help from a counselor who is experienced in this issue. You are obviously not alone in this.

i say let her do what she wants to do its not a phase its how she is dont discourage it let her know u love her no matter what if it is a stage shell out grow it ive seen things like this on tv all time on tyra n other talk shows maybe contact one of them

At this point I would probably just go along with what she wants to a certain extent. Let her call herself a boy if she likes and wear and play with "boy" things. You love her no matter what and make sure she knows that as you have been doing. I would also remind her at times that you are the mom though and she can not always have what she wants. For instance, refusing to wear some sweatpants. I would tell her :"This isn't about you being a girl or a boy, these are pants I bought for you and I'm the mom so you're wearing them." Sometimes kids do just like to have a fight about everything, which could be some of the issue. You and dad are so adamant that she is a girl, it naturally gets her attention to insist she is a boy. I agree it seems this could be more than just a phase, but the only way to find out is to just ride it out and see if its more than that. If it is a phase then she will outgrow it when she doesn't get any satisfaction from getting her own way and going against what you guys want =) If its truly a gender identity issue then that will be a tough road for her as people are not all that knowledgeable and acceptable of this---she will really need you and her dad behind her 100% then. I'd probably start researching and seeing if there are some books out there that discuss this sort of thing. Don't worry mom, if you show her unconditional love and support it will work out in the end. Best of luck!

i honestly do not think this is the right place to be asking for advice in this matter. I have done some reading and believe there are some children who are more serious about this than others. I am NOT saying this is your child but i think you need to seek out special help to determine if your child is going through a normal dress up phase or your child really feels that she should be a boy. Some people are born with certain parts but end up developing different ones. Some kids are born with both parts . things arent as easy as looking at their privates sometimes. If this is of the more serious matter there are a TON of support groups and research. This is something you have to really research, understand, and be able to deal with it the best way for your child. Even if it is just a phase, your child is serious and needs to be dealt with the rifght way, not humiliated. I wish you lots of luck and that you will do what is best for your child, which unfortunately isnt always the easiest of choices

I agree with Tiffaney M. I think this may have something to do with the new baby girl coming. I think you are going to have to give up on the dresses for now. It may be a phase, but maybe not. If it isn't, she will probably get teased at school (kids can be cruel sometimes). She needs to know that she can come home and feel safe and not guilty for being who she is.

G., I just so happened to see a show like this on Tyra last week! 1 about a girl and 1 about a boy! And they boy started at very young ages as your little girl! And although it was very hard for their parents to understand, their parents stuck by them because it was to hard to fight with them everyday to fight with them with dressing them, because no matter what outfit they thought they should be wearing they wouldnt wear it! There are specialist out there. I don't believe this is a faze your daughter is going through because a new baby is coming into the picture! Your daughter does need to see a transgender counsler to see what is really going on, because there might be something crossed inside and no something just in their mind. And 1 thing to remember and which is very important, none of this is your fault, so please don't feel this way! And don't put this pressure on yourself. There are plenty of support groups out there especially online! Find one and join one and you would be suprised what kind of answers u get to your questions and it will all start making sense. Good Luck to you and your daughter and don't push her because it will make her push further away from u which u don't want. U want her to trust u and be able to open up to u about the way she is feeling. She needs your support especially as she grows and everyone else is making fun of her. Good Luck to you and your daughter.

barbara walters had a special on transgendered kids, who said, that they had these feelings of being in a wrong body since they can remember about their lives.
if i were you allow her to be what she feels like she is. she will either outgrow it, or she won't. you said my ex's partner. does that mean your ex is gay? if yes, she could be getting confused about it, or wanting to be a boy thinking her daddy will be more around. i don't know. just speculating
when one of my daughters was three all she wore was blue. i really hated the blue color those two years but i never expressed my feelings openly. everything about her was blue. she also had not much hair which wasn't growing much so she looked like a little boy. then she turned five and i cannot stop her being sparkly and pink. i mean she has become such a fashion dive i sometimes miss our blue stage. so it could be just a stage.

You need to relax and let your daughter be herself. My oldest daughter started wearing boys clothes around the age of 5. I let her. She always preferred boy toys to girl toys. She preferred playing with boys to playing with girls. A real tomboy. When she was in grade school, she was almost always mistaken for a boy, which cracked her up. Doesn't help that we named her a gender-neutral name, Dana!

She just turned 12 and is starting to get interested in more girlie stuff. She still prefers her friends to be boys and thinks girls her age are silly, but I never force her to wear dresses or skirts (I never have). I buy her nice dress slacks and tops, and tell her she has to wear those. I try not to buy her anything too girlie or I let her pick the clothes. God forbid we buy her anything pink. :D

Don't force the issue and she might just change on her own. If she doesn't, that's okay too.

i say let her be who she wants to be - try not to let her see you S.-guessing it or being unhappy about her choices. you may have to come to grips with the idea that your daughter will not be like other peoples' daughers. that's okay. start getting used to the idea, she is what she is and trying to make her conform will just make it harder on her. be there when she is having a hard time with it, and give her strength to be who she wants to be. you mention her dad and his partner- it sounds like possibly she has some less traditional role models? if her dad is gay then maybe he can help her be comfortable with her own identity as well. he may have a lot of experience with people's judgement. hang in there mom. she sounds like a wonderful little girl.

What do you mean she eats her school lunch from a boys plate? They have different plates for boys and girls?

Anyway, she sounds like a strong, smart, and determined little girl. You need that to get through this world.
I think we hear so much stuff about so much stuff - we make stuff into stuff it isn't.
She's five. She's testing, exploring, and she's also getting attention around this. And she is in control over this. Kids who feel out of control and that their world is out of control, will find something they can control. Maybe she thinks if she can't be daddy's little girl, she'll be his little boy - she's differentiating herself from the new baby - she's special.
I hope daddy isn't being negative with her about this.
Just let her be herself. Buy neutral clothes. Remember you are the mom - she wears what you provide for her. I know when your a mom, you worry about everything, question everything we do - wonder if we are screwing our kids up for life - but if you think like that you care deeply and your kids are going to be great.

Give it time. My daughter was also similar to this. She only wanted to play with boys, dress like them, act like them. She wanted short hair and to shop in the boys dept. She was even occassionally mistaken for a boy after she got her ears pierced and started developing. She has never cared when clerks called her a boy.
She is now 14, in 8th grade. She has decided to grow her hair, wears pink and crushes on boys. (Although she says she refuses to go to the dance because dresses are required).
This is such a common thing. She will grow out of it, or be a lifelong tomboy, or continue to feel like she does. No matter what, just love her. If she doesn't care if people think she's a boy, neither should you. Let her wear the clothes she wants....it's better than the hoochie clothes some little girls wear. Relax, it will all work out. Let her be herself.

Updated

Give it time. My daughter was also similar to this. She only wanted to play with boys, dress like them, act like them. She wanted short hair and to shop in the boys dept. She was even occassionally mistaken for a boy after she got her ears pierced and started developing. She has never cared when clerks called her a boy.
She is now 14, in 8th grade. She has decided to grow her hair, wears pink and crushes on boys. (Although she says she refuses to go to the dance because dresses are required).
This is such a common thing. She will grow out of it, or be a lifelong tomboy, or continue to feel like she does. No matter what, just love her. If she doesn't care if people think she's a boy, neither should you. Let her wear the clothes she wants....it's better than the hoochie clothes some little girls wear. Relax, it will all work out. Let her be herself.

if you feel that this is more than just a stage or a phase, i would see if she and or you can talk with someone about this who can help. maybe they can help you find out the underlying issue. you can start with a social worker at school or ask the pediatrician if he/she can reccommend someone who can help. best of luck.

I would not make a big deal out of it. My sister did that and now is happily married and is a police officer! So she is working in basically a man's world, but enjoying being a woman!