Daughter Wants 'Boy' Haircut/gender Issues

Hi, BT.

There are so many gentle, around-the-point ways to say it, but here's my bottom-line advice:

It's HAIR. There are much bigger issues to go into battle over. Don't let this be one of them.

Good luck.

I think you've had great perspective so far and you should just continue with it. Why is a very short haircut necessarily a "boy" haircut anyhow? There are some really cute short haircuts for girls. How about a really short pixie cut?

I'd suggest you listen to the story that NPR did about children with gender identity issues. Unfortunately, both the children in the story were boys who wanted to be girls, but you would still find it helpful.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9024...

Oh my stars! I had to run over at look at the calendar, but sure enough it's still 2008! I cannot believe that any commenter here is actually concerned about the sexual orientation of a bright, self-confident SIX-year-old girl, who so far is only unusual in her precocious capacity to make sensible decisions.

Ask yourself this: Why in the world is every toy that isn't pink or purple and fluffy, that doesn't wet itself, that isn't a lame approximation of a kitchen appliance, considered a "boy thing"? Gee, would you rather play with a chemistry set, or dress and undress a plastic baby? Whose adventures make for better reading, pirates or princesses? Would you rather have a rocket ship that flies forty feet into the air, or a sparkly purse? Is it just me, or are these questions no-brainers?

And did someone actually suggest that you should "praise" your daughter for playing with dolls? Or did I dream that? If you never read another comment from me on this site, you can be sure it's because I actually died from the stroke I seem to be having right this minute...

Having said that, BT, I do understand your feelings on the haircut. Year after year, while my daughter's friends dressed up (predictably) as princesses on Halloween, my kid went as a dragon, Buzz Lightyear, a ninja, etc. And yes, there is a part of me that deeply wanted to see her in a fairy costume -- she's a beautiful little girl, and it would have been SO cute! But that's not who she was, or is.

Personally, I think short haircuts can be adorable on little girls. I routinely threaten my daughter with a short haircut -- because even at ten, she isn't very inclined to properly care for her long hair on her own. (We compromised recently, short-ish, and just barely long enought to be pulled into a ponytail). But hair has nothing to do with whether people will "wonder" about whether she's a boy, believe me. My kid had long, ringlet curls, and a big bow on her head every day until she was eight -- but some kids still said they thought she was a boy (the cargo pants? the hightops? the dinosaurs? beats me!).

Also, I don't think having a brother has a thing to do with her inclinations. Our daughter is an only child. And while I never deprived her of "girly" toys, she always preferred sex-nuetral playthings and activities. She also was "extreme" at times, said she wished she were a boy, etc. Like you, I just tried to reiterate that there's no such thing as "boy" toys, etc. I know it isn't so easy to convince a child of this, when their peers, and the world they see send a very different message.

What's important is that you obviously have a smart, self-assured kid. Take a victory lap. And be very thankful that you are arguing about haircuts instead of bikinnis (or some other disturbing trend currently in vogue with the girly-girl set).

My daughter, almost eleven, is hitting puberty now, and at about 5'4", looks much older than she is. I am SO thankful that she is running around dressed like a little surfer girl in "boy" swimshirt and trunks, instead of looking (or wanting to look) like a prosti-tot. Some of the preteens at the pool/beach are outrageous! And infant girls in bikinnis? I'm far from prude, but the sexualization of little girls makes me ill. Don't sweat the haircuts, count your blessings!

I know things like this are difficult, but please let her express herself. She is still the beautiful sweet daughter that you love on the inside, no matter what her external appearance shapes into over the years. And the best gift that you can give her, no matter what she turns into or wants to look like, is to love her and support her and let her make these choices freely. Require of her the important things: live with integrity, work hard in school, be kind and live with compassion. She will always love you and be grateful to you, and I suspect it will be mutual. Warmly, Jenny

I am going through the same thing and am just embracing it. I feel if I send her the message that I do not accept her for who she is being- then she will never have faith in me or herself. It could be a phase or a lifetime choice- but in a world where the whole world is judgmental, I am her mom and I should be the last to judge her. I do have her wear dresses or appropriate things to parties and weddings and she is fine with it. But if she wants to be "herself" all the rest of the time- then I, as her mom, must embrace it. As long as she is safe and healthy and happy. I choose the battles and this won't be one. Of course we all want the best for our kids, thats why we found this site, right!:) but its the summer- I think it's fine. Maybe she will grow out of the phase by school. If not, oh well. At least she feels safe and respected for who she is at home.
I have to give you credit. To have a kid that is so strong in her convictions and does not succumb to peer pressure and is not worried by what others think at the age of 6- that is amazing and should be celebrated! She will likely be the last to be peer pressured by sex or drugs, because it sounds like she sticks to her guns and strong will.
I do not think you are able to guide her to be who she isn't, without making her lash out, or worse, question her inner conscience. I do not think it is suggesting she may turn out gay or whatever- but if she is, the person who needs to accept her is her mom- or she will grow away from you and towards someone who accepts it. (This is the same for other issues, not just "gender" ones, I think.) But mine is sweet, smart, funny, generous, happy, fair, a good friend to her friends, a great character and strong willed. Those are the things I am making sure stay because those are the things that will get her far in life. I don't care what she wears or how she does her hair unless it is a special occasion.)
PS- my nine year old niece did this too for a summer- donated the hair to the pantene hair donation program (since locks of love was found to have unfavorable things going on in that organization

http://www.beautifullengths.com/en_US/index_home.jsp

Hi there,

I was very similar when I was in elementary school to your daughter. I never wanted anything to do with "girl toys" or dresses or anything like that. Boy stuff was always just so much more fun! My mom cut my hair very short when I was about 7 more as a help to her since I always gave her a hard time catching me to brush it, but I loved it. As I got older I grew my hair out & was interested in boys & make-up and all of that naturally at my own pace. Now, I can't speak for your daughter of course, but it didn't affect me in the long run. I'm a happily married hetero woman with kids of my own, etc. etc. so I think for me at least it was just a phase. My advice would be to just let her be who she wants to be whether it makes you a little uncomfortable or not. It's her hair & her happiness after all & we all just want our kids to be happy when it comes right down to it.

i can understand your ambivalence about this. it sounds like you're great, involved, tuned-in parents and have offered her both freedom to express herself, and opportunities to enjoy 'girliness.'
i totally disagree with the pov that allowing kids to be themselves is somehow encouraging 'genderless-ness' or disallowing girls to celebrate their femininity. if indeed she is male gender-biased, having her put on nail polish won't change it. if it's a phase, she'll grow out of it. if it's her tomboy personality, love and revel in it.
i just don't see any real advantages to denying her expression of herself, or trying to impose more girliness on her (not that you have suggested you would do this.)
good luck!
khairete
S.

I have worked with youth for a long time. I have seen girls just like your daughter. I also saw the joy..and relief when they saw their little girls put on their first dress for a special occassion or a prom.

Be patient. Keep accepting her for her. Remind her often how awesome being a girl is. The haircut....I used to be a fanatic about hair...but 8 children later realize it grows back quickly. Maybe you could compromise and go shoulder length - then again she won't be able to pull it back into a ponytail. The positive, it will grow back.
Keep your chin up. You are doing a great job I am sure:-)

And by the way for the gal who commented that she didn't think any of the moms would let their sons wear flowery shirts, grow out their hair or paint their toenails, etc,. I have done those things and still allow them. My 5 year old son has his toenails painted red white and blue right now as I type. My now 15 year old son wanted to grow his hair out. We allowed it. But now he is a clean cut young man. We had to "go" with his strong spirit and not fight against it.

B T

I understand your concern about what your dealing with. It isn't silly at all, your just a loving mother. I just suggest allowing her to get the haircut, it doesn't have to be a crewcut but something gender neutral. Hair does grow back and emotionally it will show your child that you love them unconditionally. I hope this helps

J. Z.
Independent Shaklee Distributor
www.shaklee.net/Z.
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Hi BT,

I don't have experience with a daughter wanting a 'boy' haircut, but my 2 year old daughter's hair is not growing very fast and she is constantly mistaken for a boy. Just yesterday a store clerk offered her 'boy' stickers because she thought my 'little boy' was cute. She was dressed in a pink shirt with flower trimmed capris and Dora sandals and she still thought my daughter was a boy. I've actually tried to dress her in more 'girl' colors with small bows in her hair and people have still mistaken her as a boy. So, with all of that said, people will come to their own conclusions.

It's great that you and your husband encourage your daughter to be herself. Instead of completely discouraging her suggestion, maybe you can de-emphasize the idea of a 'boy' haircut, and refer to her idea as..she wants a new haircut...period. Also, at the risk of having a buzz cut, maybe you can give her 2-3 options to choose between. This way she will get her new haircut and you will have a little peace of mind. Good luck!

I, too, have a 5 1/2 year old daughter who has stated, "I wish I were a boy." but I really truly believe it is just because she enjoys more of the "boy" things in life (trucks, sports, etc). I have tried very hard to not label things "boy" and "girl" to avoid an issue. I was brought up in an environment that things were labeled and whatever my mom thought was "bad" and "good" is what we were supposed to think. I was a tom-boy and loved my trucks and legos and sports and completely understand why she likes this stuff! My daughter will fight to wear "boy" clothes. For Christmas the year she was 3, she received 3 football jerseys and wore them to death. She now will wear "girly" clothes but still loves her "boy" clothes. I just try to let her know when its appropriate to wear "sporty" clothes and when "nicer" clothes are appropriate. I would say, let her get her hair cut, as others have said, it's just hair and will grow back, and pixie cuts are very cute on little girls. And she will know you love her for her and respect her likes and dislikes! Good luck!!!

My daughter, 7, has had short hair since she was 3. Very occasionally she gets mistaken for a boy, but rarely--there's something "girlish" about her face, people say. Anyway, I'm all in favor of short hair for more girls--easier to care for, out of their faces and not stringing down their backs and over their eyes!

As for your daughter,support her. I know the gender issue stuff is being talked about on TV right now, and if that's the case, you'll deal with it later. But for now, if she is healthy in her body, well-adjusted and happy in her mind, and socializes well and healthily with others, she's doing fine, no matter whether she's a tomboy or not. My daughter is quite feminine and does ballet and loves dresses--but she also loves adventure novels typically aimed at boys; she loves to pretend swordplay and Robin Hood and knights; and she eagerly joins in the play when her friends who are boys want to play Legos or trucks or whatever. Let them all be!

I concur with Nina B. I too saw the 20/20 show on transgender kids. Please read about the show on the link she provided. Maybe after reading the kids' and parents' stories you can determine if your daughter shows symptoms for gender identity disorder.

My 6 year old puts the pressure on about eveything she wants to do. Rather put on sandals in the winter, dyeing her hair, having all living creatures live in the house, not going to school,etc. Some things we say yes to and some things we say no. She respects and trusts our decision. You will have enough rebelling in her teen years. So do what you and your husband feel is best. I wonder if she knows what being a boy is really like and what has she heard or seen to make her say those things? I would make sure you and your husband spend a considerable amount of time validating her. Let her know just because she likes to do tom boyish things doesn't mean she can't be a girl. She was loved and chosen to be a girl. When she was in the womb she was wonderfully knit together. I would not dress her in gender neutral clothes but girl's clothes.
Finally, pray. If we can learn to accept the facts of who we are, then we can truly be all we can be. Many women have accomplished many things and also enjoyed the rewards of being a woman.

I four daughters with very short hair They look my sons with their very short hair I transformed my daughters into my sons with their very short hair

It could be just a phase she's going through. But, has she said to you why she wants to a hair style that would make her look more like a boy? I'd ask her that. If she believes her baby brother gets more attention, she might be thinking it's because he's a boy and not because he's a baby. Maybe she sees boys at school being able to do certain things that she cannot. Maybe she identifies strongest with Daddy and wants to look more like him. Maybe she just thinks their activities and toys are cooler. Somewhere, she's getting a message that boys are more special than girls, and I'd look at the signals being sent to her and then I would not further encourage that by giving her that haircut until I understood what was going on with her self-esteem.

Then, Dad and I would work up a strategy for damage control. You might want to start subtly reminding her of how special girls are. And, let her know you and Daddy think she's beautiful with her current style. I would not indulge her desire to look more boy-ish, nor would I make a big deal out of it. I'd gradually steer her toward more feminine activities, like role playing and nail polishing (clear only). I have a daughter and son. My daughter is younger and imitates her big brother a lot. She grunts, runs, and yells like him. But, I worked hard to find preschool girls she could play with who liked playing with dolls and having tea parties. I also do those things with her. Unfortunately, I do not know a lot of people who have daughters her age, but I also find those with older daughters who can guide her and also enjoy those things. She's been in a ballet class. Her aunt and godmother have done her hair and added ribbons, and made a huge deal out of it so she started looking for ribbons. She and I cook together. And, Dad and I do treat her a little differently by making a huge deal out of it when she wears a dress with ribbons, etc. Now, she asks for her "princess" dress when we go to church and other events. She still gets to be a tomboy by going to the park and wearing sweats or shorts. But, there are times when she gets to be the princess she is.

I'm not sure if this is "PC" but there is a rampant desire in our society to encourage this sex-less, genderless or cross-gender atmosphere and I do not agree that men and women are the same. We are created equal, but we are not the same. I do not want to be a man, nor do I want anyone expecting me to act like one. I enjoy being a woman, even with its challenges. I want that for my daughter, to celebrate her femininity and to embrace the uniqueness that she brings to our family and to our society. I always tell her that I am so happy to have my daughter and that she is special as a girl. As she reaches womanhood, she will have a unique role as a wife and mother. If she does not marry and have children, she still has a unique way of contributing to life by breathing life into every environment she graces. That's truly the power of womanhood. We were created to be lifegivers--to nurture whatever we are entrusted with, be it children, programs, or environments. Not only physically, but emotionally and creatively. I believe that God made us that way to breathe life into our environment. That's pretty special and pretty awesome that we as women have that ability. I don't want to take that away from my daughter. Maybe if your daughter can see how special it is to be a girl, she'd be more apt to embrace her femininity.

I saw a Barbara Walters special on this topic and I know that is in reruns because I saw it several times. I think (I have no experience on this matter other than what I saw on TV)that if you keep telling her no then she will eventually be ashamed of her feelings. You have to make this about her and not you. You said you tell her to be herself and not worry about boy/girl and her hair is an expression of herself. You need to do what makes her happy so she will be confident in herself and confident in your trust and feelings towards her. It may help to take her to a psychologist that specializes in this field just to see if has anything to do with having a new brother in the house or if there is an underlying gender issue. The ealier you deal with this the better off she will be. Best of luck to you and your family. I know this can't be easy.

BT,
I think it is great that you and your husband haven't shamed her into being more girl like. I think you want to research the topic of transgender children. Most transgender people knew at a very early age that they were not in the right body. It sounds like she is very much wanting to be a boy because that is how she really feels she should be. Keep an open mind and research the issues for your child's sake. This will be a challenge for everyone to handle but how you and your husband respond will make a big difference in your child's future.
Good Luck

As a mom, hairstylist, and previous therapist, I'd say let your daughter get a shorter cut. Lots of kids go through this and it does not necessarily mean there are gender identity issues. She can get a pixie cut, which to her might mean "boy" cut but actually looks really cute on little girls (so you can be satisfied too). I'd try not to make a big deal out of it. I do understand your concern, but I'm guessing that at some point in her development, she'll start to appreciate more "girly" things ( I didn't until college!).
Good luck!

This may not be the case at all, but perhaps she already knows she is transgender...

Here are a few links I found, the second has a video:
http://www.familypride.org/blog/2007/04/barbara-walters-i...

http://www.afterelton.com/blog/michaeljensen/barbara-walt...

http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/

Hello..

I don't really have good advice because I have boys, no girls. However, I would say to go ahead and let her get her haircut. Pixie cuts are adorable and that way you both kind of win. The only reason I would say to let her do it is because today she is 6 but tomorrow she will be 16 and will be at the age where she is going to start rebelling. If you tell her no she is either going to fight and resent you for telling her no and not compromising or she is going to go behind your back and lie and do what she wants. As a daughter myself, I wish my mother would have listened and compromised with me more because it would have saved a lot of heartache and we'd more than likely have a better relationship today.

Good luck to you, please keep us posted.

I was also a tomboy growing up so I can relate as well. If you have already have had a discussion about gender identity and she is comfortable with a short haircut, you could go to the boy haircut. You have done a great job telling her that you are not ready for the extreme change. You are the adult in the house, and you are the one that also has to interact with her. Now, saying that, the nice thing is that it will grow out. You also could find a computer program that lets her see how she would look with various hairstyles.
Hope this is just a small bump on the road in your daughter's evolution.
L.

B T
has she ever said 'i am a boy?' i think it's early in the game for you to worry about gender issues. but i believe a lot of us can relate to what your daughter is going through. i'm 33 and you put me in a dress and i feel odd. put cargo pants and a hoodie i feel awesome. i have short hair. i believe i have had short hair for most of my life except for high school when my mom insisted i grow my hair long. and i mean long. those are my most 'ugly' years. but i don't have gender issues. it has been like this since i remember.
i also have two preschoolers. one's favorite color is purple and blue. she won't have anything to do with pink. what she wants is what she gets. she is who she is. i love the idea of a pixie haircut. start there. see how that goes. i understand your concern and frustration but it is just a haircut. she will grow out of it. she seems to be outspoken. so, i think, she would be telling you if something is going on with her. let's hope she doesn't. but even if she does, you sound like a very loving mom, you'll be strong enough to handle anything. take one day at a time. it will all work out. in meantime get a magazine ith short haircuts (grocery stories carries them) and go through those with your daughter and see what she likes.
michelle williams has an awesome short haircut. and she still looks girlie. check it out
good luck

This may be a bit environmental. When my daughter was 3 she loved boy toys and clothes. I couldn't figure it out until my mom picked her up from school one day and told me to look at her class. She was one of 2 girls and 10 boys. After some exposure to more girls this year she has become much more girly. I would let your daughter do what she wants with her hair. You may want to try to find some girls (ones that aren't too girly) to hang out with. I think the hard part for her will be is when she gets to 2nd or 3rd grade the boys and girls separate and don't want to hang out with each other anymore (remember the cooties phase we went through?)To avoid any hurt I would try to get her in with a group of toyboy girls now. Good luck to you.

Why not take her to get a short female style of hair? There are plenty of short styles (boy short) that are actually a female style. Maybe even go to the store and get one of those short style magazines for females, and go through it with her to agree on a certain style together. No harm in her having short hair...and not sure if you not being ready for it is really doing good for her. She is wanting to blossom in who she is herself, and what she likes (even if short hair is involved)....be proud that she is proud to be who she is! However, on another note, I strongly agree that you should continue to send the message just to be herself, and not worry about the boy/girl thing. I also wonder, if it continues as she gets a bit older, and providing a professional for her to talk with about that, and maybe that would help her deal with whatever is around that or the root of that situation. Good luck!
K.

My niece also was a total tomboy and wanted to wear boys clothes and have boy hair cuts. My sister just let her do it (the hair cut was a short pixie -- still a girl's cut, but very short). My niece was also called a boy, fella, buddy, etc. by those who didn't realize that she was female. She is now 20 and a beautiful young woman (still doesn't wear dresses, but has hair down to her waist). I say don't stress over it. Let her cut her hair short if that makes her happy. Some girls are just not girly (my other sister was a tomboy and always wanted to look boyish--she is married and has three terrific kids). My parents let her enjoy it. On the other hand, my nephew loves to wear my daughter's shoes and clothes, but he is just about the roughest, toughest little kid I know. My husband's cousin loved to wear his mother's shoes, etc.--he is happily married and father to a brand new son. I think the more hung up you are about it the more it's going to draw her attention to it. Life is too short.

Hi B T,

It sounds to me as if your daughter is not gender-confused, but more gender-competitive. She may have picked it up in the excitement of the new baby's birth, and then had it confirmed by the excitement over the his making his milestones. She probably doesn't remember the fuss made when she was hitting all hers, and sees it as special attention because he's a boy. There may also be a bit of unconscious bias there, too - I'm of Chinese descent, and I've seen lots of families where the son is a bit of a celebrity - not to say that the daughters aren't every bit as loved, but there's the whole "carrying on the family name" thing. I note that she has remarked that she wishes she was a boy, but also says she is a girl who likes boy things.

Your daughter is doing some things that I've seen in my kids (they are the same age difference as yours, but I've got 2 boys). My son wanted to be like his little brother because he saw him getting some privileges he couldn't have (like staying home while the older one was going off to school). I had to reminisce with him about what it was like when he was hitting his milestones, and I now spend more time helping him with his current skills. It's helped a lot.

Like many of the others who have responded, I'd say let her express herself with a cute short girl cut - but don't refer so much to it's "girliness," but more to it's shortness and practicality. Maybe also spend a little time talking with her about when she was a baby, toddler, and so on. Talk about how special that time was, and also how great it is to see the new things she is doing now. Work with her on special skills that she is learning that your son isn't - like her reading & writing, or her athletic skills. Show her images of strong women, like so many of the athletes now, and tell her the story of Mulan. Take her out for a Mom-Daughter day to celebrate Girl Power.

Your daughter sounds like a strong, normal, healthy girl who is blessed with wonderful caring parents. Someone mentioned that your daughter may eventually make a decision about her sexuality. I think this isn't a time to worry about that, but more to focus on making her comfortable with herself and her place in the family. From the number of tomboys on responding (and I am among them), I'd say her tomboyishness is hardly a sign of anything but her being a strong and active child. Good luck!
-M.

Dear B T,
What occurs to me is that your little girl is wanting to be just like her daddy! I would suggest you keep your focus and praise of her on when she is doing gender appropriate behaviors (like wearing a dress, putting ribbons in her hair, playing with dolls, etc.) Additionally, go silent when she is dressing like a boy.
Hope that helps!
Blessings!
J.

could just be a phase but it could lead to her deciding she is gay later. i know you dont want to hear the wost of it but it's a possibility. i'd see if a dr. cold help on what you could try to nip it i the bud before it gets to be perminent or a learned long term thing. i think that you telling her no might make her want it even more and maybe a slightly mor positive female excitement on your end might help. she wants a straight boy cut trying going inthe middle with a meg ryan look or ellen degenerous. i think those are very cute and femanine. show her pictures of short styles you agree with. then let her pick from those. good luck.

Hi- I have a a son who just turned 13 when he was about 7 he wanted a green mohawk. Don't know where that one came from. My husband was freaked out. I truly believed it was just a phase. It was during the school year so I just told him that he could not do it during the school year but during the summer we could cut his hair however he chose. I told him that we loved him for who he is on the inside and that would never change no matter the clothes he wore or how he had his hair styled. He continued to talk about it for a while and by the summer never mentioned it again. Needless to say he never got the green mohawk. I think if you can ride out the phase her taste will change. Also if she got a short cut you can always girl it up with clips, headbands, and barrattes. Maybe you could find some pictures of short hair in a magazine that you and your husband are comfortable with and let her pick from those. My son has gone through a several different hair and clothing style changes since then. Don't worry she may grow up to be the most girly girl on the block. Many blessings to you and your family!

It's weird to read your message. I also have a six year old daughter who will have nothing to do with anything "girly". It also started when she was about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. I bought her her first baby doll for Christmas when she was 3 and she wanted nothing to do with it. I eneded up taking it back to the store! She hates Barbies and dolls and princesses. A real struggle with us is that people assume because she is a girl that for her birthday or Christmas they will buy her a Barbie or something that any other girl would love - of couse she hates it and even though we have tought her to say Thank You even if she doesn't like it the expression on her face says it all. It makes me feel awful for the person who bought the gift. I think sometimes she also goes a bit overboard not wanting to wear anything that even resembles what a girl would wear. I'm at the point now where unless I want to hear her whine and complain I better at least buy clothes that are gender neutral. I'm sure that if I let her she would be all to happy to get a short/boyish hair cut. She has asked before and I've told her no that girls usually wear their hair longer - then of course she brings up her grandmothers who wear their hair short. As I feel like I'm sort of in the same boat I don't have much advice except what my mom keeps telling me - let her be who she is and all will work out. I'm looking forward to seeing if anyone else has any advice on how to help ME deal with because she seems happy just being herself.

I agree. Let her cut hair however she wants... hair always grows back. Of course, you could always show her pictures of hip, Japanese men in the entertainment business... their haircuts look very girly by American standards:))) You sound like such supportive and caring parents. And, she sounds like a fabulous kid with a ton of character. Take care.

Hi BT,
This was recently aired on 20/20:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5261464&page=1
if you are worried though, the show suggested to take the child to a psychologist to determine if the child has gender identity disorder.

I agree with the poster who is a stylist who said to let her get a pixie haircut. I went through the same thing when I was her age. I wanted a "bowl cut" like a boy, so my parents took me and they gave me a pixie haircut which is a little more girlish. I was satisfied. For what's it's worth I never have my hair shorter than my shoulders now as I don't like that look anymore and haven't for a very long time. I grew out of it. By the time I was 12-13 I talked my parents in to letting me get a perm.

My daughter is now 11 and I went through almost everything you have said. My daughter was called a boy on numerous occasions and I got upset about it but she never cares. Her hair was as short as could be for years. Now that she is a little older she has decided to let her hair grow. She plays 3 different sports and did play on an all boys travel team at one time. She still likes playing with the boys and still has alot of boy friends but she is also spending more time with the girls on her teams. I would not be terribly concerned about what she wants to do at her age and let her find her way. Chances are she will as she gets older.

I seem to remember that Demi Moore had a VERY short "boy" haircut at one point in her career, and she looked plenty feminine. Let it ride!

If you're letting her choose her clothing let her choose her haircut as well. It's just hair. She can always grow it back. If she knows she's a girl and she just prefers "boy" things I really don't see the big deal.

Hmmm, I've been hearing a lot lately about young kids who are identifying strongly with the other gender. I don't know whether you've done any research but if you are inclined to do so you'll find a good bit of information. It's hard to know whether this is a phase for her or something more long-term. It sounds like you and your husband have been terrific about giving her space to be herself and not worrying too much about the particulars. As a mother of a one-year-old I am experiencing how much we/society comment about our "pretty" girls and our "strong" boys therefore putting pressure on the kids to conform. It would be outside of the societal norm to let her have a boys' haircut but at the end of the day what matters most is her happiness and the feeling of acceptance and love she gets from her family. Good luck to you and your husband.

Would she settle for a "Dorothy Hamill" type of cut? It's very short, but still cute enough that you would recognize your little girl.

This is one of those issues where you would probably benefit from an appointment with a pediatric psychologist... for you. A professional could probably reassure you and give you some good tips for being comfortable with your daughter's choices. Your daughter might be better left out of the appointment, at least at first, so you can speak openly about your concerns without her feeling like she is doing something wrong.

There was a little girl just like you are describing in my son's kindergarten class. She was wonderfully social, very intelligent, and a delight to be around. My son sometimes referred to her as "he," although my son knew the other child was a girl. He would say "She's not so much like some of the other girls... she's much more fun!" Maybe that is why she prefers to be boyish :) I come from a family of strong women so I like the idea of my son being around confident, independent females.

My son rebelled against anything even slightly girly when his baby sister was born. Maybe your daughter is doing the opposite. Babies need (and get) so much attention that maybe your daughter decided the extra attention was due to her little brother's gender, instead of just because he is the baby. If that is the cause, at least it is a polite way of getting attention (unlike some of the stunts my son has pulled).

Good luck. I hope you find a compromise that makes you both very happy.

This is a tricky one for me to answer because I think what I believe about this subject is not what many others believe. So please take this advice if it's inline with what you believe and ignore it if you don't. I don't know what your religious views are, but I would tell my daughter something like "God made some boys and some girls, and He chose to make you a girl. It's OK for you to play with whatever and whoever, however you want - but you'll always be a girl." As for the haircut, I think a Mom of a 6 year old has every right to be "in charge" of her children's hairstyles. So if you say no to a super-short cut, you don't need a "why". You're the Mom. That's enough of a reason.
Whether this is advice you agree with or not, good luck!

I, too like the idea of a pixie haircut, or a short girl cut, but I don't think you should refer to it as a "boy" cut. maybe seeing cute short girl cuts in the magazines, she'll find one she likes! Also, I don't completely agree w/the idea of let her be, she'll be fine. I agree that we should support our kids, but we can't let them do everything they want. I don't think any of the moms would let their son wear pink flowery shirts to school or grow out their hair paint their nails and wear makeup. It may even bother other kids at school. I had a friend in elementary school that was this way. Meg was nice and it was not a problem for me when we were young (I just didn't understand why she was like that). I moved away at age 8, but would visit g-ma in the summers. I remember when we were 12 or 13 and i went to go hang out w/her, I kept calling her "boy" when she would do something to tease me. It was really tough because she seemed so much like a boy. she played drums (Not that that is boy specific...I wanted to, mom said were too loud for an apartment!) and is now in a band. I don't know if she still dresses like that or not, but I know when we were 12/13 she still liked boys. I wonder about her all the time. I just think that we need to guide our kids w/out making them feel bad for the way they feel. Maybe saying things like...when you dress like a boy, then people think you are a boy, and Mommy is so proud of her sweet girl! I dunno, I have 2 boys...what do I know? Its just a thought!