Help!!! "I DONT LOVE YOU, DADDY"

When my daughter was young and she said that, I told her "That's okay, you don't have to love me. I love you anyway, and you can't change that." Gave her a smile and a kiss. He needs reassurance, even though he is acting out like that. He says that to get a dramatic reaction--if he doesn't get one, it soon becomes boring. One day when my daughter was older (10) and she was furious at me, she screamed that I didn't love her. I resonded with "You're right--I don't." When she looked at me in disbelief that I would say such a cruel thing I said, "If you're going to say mean, silly things that aren't true, I will too." She stopped.

Good luck!

D.,
I'm not a psychologist, only a long time observer of human nature.

There are any number of reasons for his actions. Most often, I think it is a form of testing his power/control.

Daddy responds in a set way every time. Wow! Look what I can do to Daddy. Your son is a baby. He doesn't intend to be mean. He is still in the learning mode and thinking of 'me first'.

So Daddy needs to change his response. The next time your son tells his daddy he hates him at bedtime Daddy should say, "I am sorry you feel that way, Son, because I still love you, I always will and will always be here for you. But if you don't want me to help Mommy put you to bed, I'll go read my book (or watch TV, whatever). Have sweet dreams. I love you."

When Daddy comes home from work he should cheerfully let his son know he is home. Ask him if he had a good day and then go about his daddy business.

So, you get the idea. Let Son come to Daddy. He really wants Daddy's attention and suddenly the 'hate you' thing is not working, so he will try another approach. At this point Daddy is in control, because he will ignore inappropriate advances until your son is interacting in a loving way.

In a nutshell---we can not change other peoples behavior except by changing ours. All human relationships are based on action and reaction. Most especially in children. This is the way they learn. They act and closely watch your reaction. You have to turn it around so that you ACT and they have to REACT.

And of course the timeless advice of being consistant is very important here.

I never had a child do this but I have seen this approach work with 2 of my nephews.

Good luck and God bless.
D.

My first thoughts: I would say it's a just phase and don't get too worked up over it. Don't try to point out to a 3-year-old what is wrong and mean about it. Don't waste time and energy over it - - because kids this young can't put themselves into other people's shoes yet; they can't practice empathy yet, because the skill of empathy develops later. I agree that it does have tones of the Oedipus Complex. He's jealous of dad coming home and taking away some of mommy's attention. Use a standard, non-upset reaction - - be a BROKEN RECORD and say the SAME thing every time - - and it will pass.

2nd thoughts: If the 3-year-old has spent any time around older boys, say around 9 to 11 years old, then he may have heard ridicule of "boys that LOVE boys." At around 9 to 11 years old, boys become aware of homosexuality and use this new knowledge to insult each other. "Oh, you say you like Kevin. So, how much do you like him? Do you LOVE him? Tee Hee Do you know what that makes you?! Tee Hee."

My youngest is now 11 and he's in the awareness and insult phase. I have my standard reaction ready to pull out - - but I do not waste my time nor energy over it! I DON'T go into big, long lectures about tolerance and intolerance.

I try to reverse everything my kids say, when they say negative things...it shocks them and takes them a minute to understand what i've just done and usually they back down and then move on to something else. If my baby said that to me I would return with 'really, well guess what...I love you.' if he doesn't want dad to kiss him have dad blow him a kiss and have your son catch it. for example husband kisses his own hand and says to son, okay here it comes catch it and then make a big deal when he catches it.

When children get a reacation out of us they will keep pushing those buttons. Your son has obviously seen how upset you get when he says that which only fuels the need to be 'in control.' I say as a mother of 4 combat that control with reversed behavor, creativity, fun and love. Give it a try you may be surprised!

I've been a parent for 28 years and I've been a grandparent for four. I am so much more laid back as a grandparent, and I love it!

Chill out! Everything's okay. My granddaughter's big thing these days is "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!"

Your son's expression stand right up there with the pre-school taunt "You're not my friend any more." Kinds just try on different moods and feelings to see what different responses they get.

In your husband's situation, I'd probably respond with different responses every time like "Well, then I'll have to give my kisses and hugs to mommy"; A little fake crying to show how crushed I am at such harsh words; "Well, I love you anyway"; "Don't smile when you say that" (always guarantees a smile from my g-daughter).

Develop these skills now, because as they get older, they find even better ways to push your buttons.

"Yeah, whatever" is one I learned from my kids.

My daughter did that when she was about 3!! (now almost 6) Have you talked about how much it hurts Daddy's feelings? We talked about it a LOT. I tried everything I could think of to get her to stop saying that, from 'that's not nice' and 'God doesn't like it' and many others. Finally, we sat down and talked about Daddy's feelings. I asked her if she liked to hurt his feelings and make him sad and told her that's what happens when she says that. I think she thought it was a game and stuff. I don't know. Finally, she quit. I don't know if it's something I said or if she just grew out of it on her own accord. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!!

Hi, As a mom to 3 boys ages 5,3,2
I have been through this and my 3 year old does this as well... One thing about your situation sounds like your son does not understand how to express his feelings. he is probably confused and mad at your hubby because he goes off to work or maybe there are issues in the home like yelling that he does not like for instance maybe the dad is more of the disipline giver and he does not like THAT but he loves him and just does not know how to seperate the two from each other. I would help him talk about his feelings and say why dont you like daddy, are you mad at him... then say we can be mad at some one and thats ok but we still love daddy. Mommy gets mad at him sometimes and I still love him just not what he did that made me mad...

my 3 year old tells any one who does something he does not like that he does not love them... but the next day he does not love some one else... so I just help him with his feelings, like say, are you mad at mommy then he says yes and say why are you mad and then go from there... but he is just trying to express his feelings about something and does not know how to exactly do that.

Hope that helps
A. J

my two year old girl went through a very similar stage a few months ago. One thing we started to do was daddy was in charge of all bedtime activities. (Changing into pj, brushing teeth, praying etc.) Then when it was time for bed I came in only to say good night. Whenever daddy was home we tried to let him take care of needs for our daughter. (change diaper, get snack etc). One thing our daughter was doing was she refused to say goodbye to her dad when he left for work. Our doctor suggested that we tell her "daddy is leaving! If you want to tell him goodbye you better go catch him." My husband's feelings were really starting to get hurt too. I hope this helps.

THis is only a stage, and it will pass. My daughter was the same way at 3. She was a great girl, always happy and smiling, but I remember every single day we would pick her daddy up from work, he'd be so excited to see her and when he'd go to open her door to give her a kiss, she'd turn her head and say "ugh!" and that was the only response he got from her for most of her 3-year old year of life. It was so hard on him, Daddy, becaues she was supposed to be his baby girl. I don't really know when it changed, but I used to get so mad at her, that I would give her the same treatment, just Ugh. was all she'd get from me. At somep oint, things changed, and she is a daddy's girl. She couldn't care less about mommy or what i'm doing. hang in there.

This is a very serious matter, this could effect the relationship between father and son for the rest of their lives. If I were you I would tell my son in private the diffrence between right and wrong and just being mean bc even know he is three that is mean he may not know that it is but you need to explain to him how it makes his dad feel when he says that,also give him an example he can understand putting him in the same place as his father, and if he continues to say that I would sit him in time out or do whatever it is that you do when he is in trouble. On the note about him loving his father I am sure he does he is only three he has not grasp on love he only knows who makes him feel "safe" or comfortable more, that is what he judges love on so maybe your husband has some faults that he should take a look at. My son was kind of the same when he was that age, I was a stay at home mom and he was very close to me and he would say he loved me more, I told him the same thing I told you, I t tought him the one rule, 1.think about others feelings first!
Good luck.,

It is normal at that age. as he gets older daddy wil grow in his eyes. Have dad just reinforce that "he loves him no matter what". They do take everything in at that age whther they show it or not. It has most likely turned into a game he plays with daddy. That is his way to give dad special attention, wierd I know. My son played a similar game with his dad. he would run screaming everytime he came home. I thought at first he was really frightened by dad, but it was he way of telling daddy, you do not spend enough time home. Eventually they learn the importance of dads work.

My son has said hurtful things as all little kids do. The advice given here is great but I hoped to add one other suggestion that may help. It may be beneficial for your husband to say something like, "Well, I love you anyway! I love you when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and even when I'm angry or hurt! I love you very, very much and when you say that to me it hurts me. But I love you anyway and that won't end." I get the feeling it's a test, if that makes sense? Will he love me if... Anyway, I hope it helps.

Hi Danielle,

Im so sorry - this has got to be painful for your husband. My daughter said similar things when she was 3 also to her daddy (she is 4.5 now and LOVES him!!). SHe also has a very strong will. I also spoke to her about this not being nice, and Daddy loves her no matter what. He would say that to her also (I love you not matter what). I dont know why they do this at this age - maybe to try out their 'power' and see the reaction. Maybe because they dont have that same bond with Daddy that they do with Mommy (because Mommy carried them in the womb,etc), its safer to say this to him and see what happens. Does your pedi give guidance around emotional/psychological development? Maybe he/she would be a good person to ask from a developmental standpoint. Also, how does your husband react when your son says this? That might play into it also.

The good news is it does go away, especially once they reach the next level of maturity (unless something is going on, which it doesnt sound like in your situation). Good luck and hang in there!!

I have 3 year old twin boys. One of them is a completely a Mommy's boy. We usually tell him that it hurts daddy's feelings when he doesn't give daddy hugs. My husband gets really hurt sometimes. It is getting better though. Not sure why.

D., When my daughter was 3 or 4 yrs old, when she didnt get her way, she would say, I hate you, my responce was thats ok, I love you! She would say im going to run away. One day i got tired of her saying that so, i decided i would play along with it. I told her ok but i have to pack you a lunch, and some clothes before you run away. That exactally what i did. I got a little pair of shorts and t- shirt and made her a peanutbutter jelly sandwich. I said Your ready to go now.She went out the door and i watched her go sit under the air condition until it started to get dark and she quitely slipped in and went to her bedroom and went to bed and nothing was ever said about her suppose to run away and she never again said, Im going to run away. Dad shouldn't take it to personally. He will grow out of it.

Has your husband said anything to your son about it. It's one thing for you to talk about it, but unless your husband tells him that it hurts his feelings, it may not sink in. Maybe "daddy" should stop being so fun until your son is ready to say "I love you, Daddy."

Of course, it could also be a stage. Maybe your son is doing it to get more attention, especially from your husband. Don't let this become a game of buying his love.

I would definitely discipline him in whatever manner you and your husband have chosen - timeout, loss of privileges, spanking - whatever. He is old enough where you have to start disciplining not only for the wrong choice itself, but also for the motive behind it and this is obviously an inappropriate way for him to talk to his dad. Your son knows this and he knows it is hurtful as well. Don't let him get by with it. Dad needs to discipline him and you need to back Dad up. This is your best friend and lifelong partner we're talking about and your son is dissing him in a very blatant, in-your-face way. Agree on what discipline you will apply, give your son fair warning that the consequences will be ...., and then present a united front. I don't know that I would necessarily press for the "Dad, I love you" response. What I would insist on is RESPECT. Dad could even say - I'm sorry that you feel that way - BUT you may NOT be DISRESPECTFUL! I love you very much and I hope that one day, you will feel that way too, but I am your father and the leader of our family and you may not speak to me that way." Hang in there and good luck!

I'm sorry your son is saying that. I have to think he is getting something out of it if he is still doing it. Does he get extra attention from Dad when he does this. Maybe you need to try a time where your son wants to play with Dad and Dad tells him how he feels and tells him he doesn't want to play with him at this time, because he is sad that he doesn't love him. Then if it continues You can express that you are sad about this too and don't feel like playing also. I have talks with my now 7 yr old that only tells me he loves me that he needs to let Dad know also that he loves him. Maybe your son, like other kids, see adults on TV kissing and thinks boys only say this to girls and or give kisses to only the opposite sex. Keep talking to him, You'll get a solution I'm sure of it. Good luck.

My son, 3, also has exhibited this behavior to me, his mother. My husband is definitely the preferred parent in our home. I think it is a way that my son wants to exhibit his power or control. Here's what worked for me: Reverse Psychology. I noticed you said that your husband and son will be playing and when your husband goes for the hug or kiss he makes "the statement". During a playful moment when my son would say it to me because I tried to kiss him, I would say back in my playful tone "Oh, that's okay, I don't want any of your kisses anyway." Or, "Well, I didn't want any of your ole hugs anyway." And then maybe give a little tickle and pretend to walk away. (Humor is a wonderful tool.) HE CAME RUNNING EVERY TIME showering me with kisses and hugs. And I would say "No, No!" laughing all the while. From time to time he still does it, and the reverse pyschology never fails us. Just make sure the tone of voice and body language is playful. It's a great way to turn a negative statement around and create a positive experience. Hope it works for you!

I have a 3 year old little boy and he will play with his daddy too but then when it comes time for affection he always goes to me. My husband gets offended and thinks it's because he doesn't like him as much as he does me. We just always encourage hugs and kisses and I honestly think it's just a phase that he'll grow out of. My husband is a little more hard strong about discipline and I think a little more intimitading than I am so I think that could be a reason for it as well.

He is only 3 and I think it's just a phase that they grow out of. I wouldn't take it personally. And it might be because you are with him all day and daddy isn't. Hope this helps!

Wow, I cannot believe that after 28 responses NO ONE has brought it up yet. I am not a Freudian, although it is not neccesarily as bad as it may sound this sounds like classic Oedipal Complex.

"Sigmund Freud used the name The Oedipus complex to explain the origin of certain neuroses in childhood. It is defined as a male child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of his mother. This desire includes jealousy towards the father and the unconscious wish for that parent's death."

I know the death part sounds pretty severe, but your son does not actually wish your husband dead, he just wants to be the one you love. You may see him demonstrate the same animosity towards your other son as well. It is simply jealosy.

3 Year olds are very vocal and sounds like yours has an opiniated mind of his own. So when he says that....ask him 'Why don't you love Daddy?' You will be surprised what his answer may be. He does not realize that 'I don't love you Daddy' is unacceptabel until he is taught that. Like the other lady posted, explain it is great he has his own thoughts, but to keep the ugly ones to himself...as Thumper was told..."IF YOU CANT SAY ANYTING NICE DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL". I always played with my son, now 5 1/2, about him having a 'Mean Ol'Daddy' (He is dad is awesome) but it took a lot to clean that up. So if he is exposed to any other kids outside of your home...There are lots of things that he could be hearing and he does not know how hurtful it is until it is explained to him.
On a side note, ...as you wrote...."onry like no other - he is sooo cute and he has to be to make you forget how he has acted all day." Do your husband not see the cuteness as you do? It could be that Dad is trying to be more of a disiplinary than you are? But be careful with the cuteness. My kiddo has alwys had daycare providers comment on that as well and it gets really old for them to let him get away with anything...then all the sudden expect him to mind. You could be donig a bigger in justice by the cuteness wiping the slate clean. Good Luck

When you say he is so cute you forget his actions earlier in the day, I'm wondering if he is punishing your husband for trying to make him behave ( which you have to do, espically the first few years or you have lost them by teen years) . Don't know but it seems like a power thing he is using for some odd reason, and don't know if ignoring it so he doesn't get a reaction, or sitting down with him and asking why don't you love daddy? And see what he says. I feel for your husband.

I know you've gotten a bunch of responses - i just wanted to add my two cents. My daughter does a similar thing to her dad. I'm sure it's a phase, but it's tough to take. I too think it's a control thing - she seems to be waiting to see what will happen. What we've done is say something like "That's not a nice thing to say - do not say it again" in a disappointed tone (maybe a frown) and then move on to something else. We don't prolong it, don't make a huge deal out of it, just kind of ignore it and treat it as if it's over and no one is thinking of it again. Tell your hubby to hang in there - it's happens to dads all over!! And, remind him that this will probably be nothing compared to the teen years!!

Have either you or your husband asked your son "Do you understand what you are saying?" or "Tell me why you don't love daddy, tell me why you are saying this."

I have a 7 week old, but I am just curious to know what your son's reasoning is behind his saying "I don't love you" to daddy.

This must be really painful for your husband to hear. Men tend to not say how much they are hurting but I'm sure it does. Be sure to validate to your husband that you understand your son's words are hurtful, and not just blow it off as a phase.

For your son, how about working on special projects just for Daddy throughout the day/week. Making cards or pictures or whatever that are "just for Daddy because we love him." Be sure to be talking about how wonderful Daddy is throughout the day. Mention all the wonderful things he does and how much he loves your family.

Also, I would move into some form of discipline. Is it acceptable for him to be hurtful with his words to others? Probably not, so don't let him be hurtful with Daddy, just because he is Daddy. This disrespects your Hubby, and men need to be respected, just like women need to feel loved.

Hope this is helpful,
L.

L feel you need to address the fact that your son has feelings and its okay to have those feelings and Daddy needs to get invovled about those feelings. Daddy needs to express his feelings of love for your son and Daddy also needs to let son know that Daddy has feelings too and it hurts when son says those things.I also feel Mommy and Daddy need to have mommmy and daddy time infront of child, such as daddy showing mommy that he loves her and mommy doing the same. Sometimes children watch what we do and say and they repeat it and maybe son thinks that mommy doesn't love daddy because daddy is gone at work. Mommy try to express your love to your husband so son can see that you love daddy even if he leaves and that daddy is important to you all.

My son used to do that to me. Especially, when he remembers me disciplining him. The times that I got upset he would say it more. When I completely ignored him and walked away, he figured out that wasn't a good thing to say and eventually stopped saying it. I can't remember now when it stopped.

I go through the same thing with my 3 year old son. His favorite is "It's all your fault I never have any fun" or I love daddy/mommy more than I love you" or "I'm never coming back because you are mean to me". I think it is the only way they can express their frustration with discipline or with things not going their way.

My husband works out of town all week so when he gets home it's like I don't exsist and he tells me he would rather play with daddy because he doesn't love me. I think that they just don't have a sensor to tell them what is nice and what is not.

When he does say hurtful things we put him in a time-out and then when it is time for him to get out we explain to him that yelling and screaming and saying mean things is not exceptable and he is to go to the person he hurt apologize and give them a hug. We also will tell him that no one wants to play with him if he is mean and have even taken priveledges away for the day (i.e.-tv time, art time, dessert, etc. usually the toys or things he enjoys more) if it starts getting very frequent or gets really hurtful.

My daughter is a big mama's girl, although she has always been very loving to her dad. At one point (around the same age) she started acting very grouchy & mean with daddy- for no reason. After trying to reason with her- I finally said "That is just not nice. Every time you act meanly to daddy, you will need to go sit in your room" I would put her in there for a few minutes- not long. This broke this habit pretty quickly for her. (I really think that is what it had become- a habit- because she wasn't angry or upset with him)