My 22 Month Old Wants Nothing to Do with Me

I am sorry to hear this, but be patient. Remember that a 22 month old doesn't have a lot of tools at her disposal for understanding or communicating her own feelings, and this is probably her way of being angry at you for going away and for "changing." Keep talking, keep letting her know you are the same you, keep letting her know you love her, and hopefully someday she open up and put both of you on the road to healing. It has to be so hard, but you must know, as an experienced mom, that she hasn't stopped loving you. She is just confused right now, and needs help getting through it just as you do.

Just keep on loving her. She'll come around soon. And ALWAYS involve kids in medical troubles. My brother was ill with brain cancer and died and I never got to see him at the hospital and didn't even know he was going to die until after he did. I blamed myself for his death. Kids need to know reality and need to have a chance to say goodbye if need be!!!!!!!!!

-p

I sorry about all you are going through. I think you baby is stressed and is trying in her little mind to figure out what is going on. All she knows is that you where gone and came back in a big bed. I am sure she is tring to find comfort in things that havent changed and her old care taker was one of those things. Dont push her and dont get upset in front of her and I bet she will come around soon. Keep your chin up....Look at the whole thing from her eyes and it will help you realize how scared she might be and then you can have some clairity on how you can help her. Wishing you the best :) ...A.

T.,

How devastating. I can't imagine how much this must hurt. Maybe you could try telling her that she's hurting your feelings. Let her see that she's making you sad, and ask her why she's behaving like this. Ask her if you did something that made her start acting like this (it may be something as simple as the change in your hair cut since the surgery.) Even if she doesn't give you an answer, at least you've made her aware of you feelings.

Good luck, and let us know what happens

Please give her time. You know in your heart not to take it personally. My advice would be don't force her, she will come around as soon as she works though what ever is scaring her. Daddy needs to be talking with her about you because you know she can understand you at this age. He needs to include you and your name in everything and have her help do things for you. Bring you some water, a magazine, draw pictures...etc.. be patient and don't get angry with her. (easy for me to say) good luck.

Hi T.. I am so sorry to hear this, it would devistate me too. I am involved in Parent Child Interactive Therapy through the Boys and Girls Club, usually can be found in any Parent Education Network, maybe can be found online. I am learning so much about my son's feelings and gaining understanding of what he must be going through when he throws a tantrum or any kind of reactions he has that don't make sense to me. I am learning that children don't have the brain capacity to verbalize what it is that makes them behave the way they do, they just feel and act out. She might be resentful because maybe she was scared and thought you were gone forever. What I do with my son and ask him these things, were you scared I left? Did you think I wasn't coming back? and then I apologize and hold him (if he lets me) and explain to him the situation and reassure hinm that I will always be here for him. Also, I try my best to word everything in the positive - I say I will always be here for you, rather than I would never leave you. Because his ears are picking up on the words - "here for you" Does that make sense? This program is helping me so much and you may be able to get it cost free if you qualify. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are recovering well. Take care.

Here's to a speedy recovery. You didn't say if you had some bandages on your head when you came home from the hospital. I know that years ago when my mother had some surgery that resulted in large bandaging on her head, my youngest was really nervous about it. He only saw her 2-3 times while they were on, but he still talks about it to this day. Maybe it scared your little one. Try bandaging up a new stuffed animal and then talking about the "owie" and then remove the bandage and talk about "all better."

My youngest really didn't want to be around Dad at all, from about 1-1/2 to 3. He had speech delays so on top of this he would growl at my husband if he approach or asked questions. My husband resolved this by doing things my son really liked, like sitting and watching a Disney movie after they air popped some pop corn. He get the popper ready, have my son help him load it up with pop corn, and then they'd watch it pop. He also loved to wrestle with dad. My point here is find something to do with her that she likes-daily. If you are able--putting on some music she likes and dancing together, start out painting your nails and she if she wants hers done, get out the playdough and make things, try out some temporary tatoos on each other. My point here is to get her to want to come to you, and maybe doing something that you don't normally do might entice her. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Good morning T.. I am not an expert but certainly understand how heartbreaking this is for you. When I had my second child, my 4 year old wouldn't come near me either - but that was short-lived.
As hard as this is, I am guessing that time is what it's going to take. Maybe your older kids can take on the task of trying to "help" by coming over to you "with" her for a moment or two for her to see that you are indeed okay and that mommy loves being with her kids.
I wonder if a child psycologist might have some suggestions of warming her back up.
OR maybe you can find something new that is just for you and for her. Maybe a mom and baby stuffed animal - she has the baby and you have the mommy animal and then they have "play" time together - meaning so do you and your daughter. I don't know if this was helpful but I certainly wish you a speedy recovery and many years with your wonderful kids!
Kim F :)

Are you able to care for needs or are you still recovering? Your daughter might be viewing you as another "child" in the home because you need care as she does. Be consistent about being Mommy and she'll feel secure again real soon.

I am so sorry you're going through this. On top of having to recover physically, you also have this huge emotional part to deal with. Have you tried thinking of her favorite activity and doing it with her? Something that is really special. Does she like any type of crafts or coloring, maybe eating ice cream? Something that will remind her how important she really is to you. I will keep you in my prayers for recovery and also for your relationship with your daughter. I am sure with time, when you're back to normal she'll be ok. She might just be pushing you away because she's afraid.

Be gentle, with yourself and with her. She may have associated your trip to the hospital and subsequent recovery as a rejection of HER. She may have decided she doesn't want to risk it again. Be patient. Send her love when you are in the room with her. Don't take it personally. She loves you. Don't push her, and explain it to her. Children can understand a lot more than we think.

Mostly, take care of yourself and get well. She will come around and never remember this incident.

Hi, T.. Sometimes when we go through a health crisis, we try to protect our children from the experience, but they need to be told the truth in an age-appropriate way. Any time we hide things from them, it sends them the message that we don't trust them. She is old enough to know that obviously something is going on with you, and this is probably her way of acting out because she is scared and has many questions that she doesn't have answered. Definitely keep the lines of communication open with her; she needs a security that only you can give. Be honest with her about what happened in the hospital and what is going on with your healing right now. Does your hospital have social workers or psychologists available? It might be beneficial to seek them out. I did an interview with a social worker that might be helpful for you: moms-alive.org/2007/03/28/bonniemoore
It is about talking to children about a parent's cancer diagnosis, but I think it could also apply to anyone who needs to talk to their children about other serious medical issues, as well. I wish you and your family the best.

Dear T.,

My heart aches for you! What a lot you've been through. I have only one gentle suggestion - be patient. Your youngest has obviously had a rough time emotionally, but because she's so little, she has no way to express her deep feelings. I had a similar experience with my son when he was 27 months. His dad took a job in London (we lived in San Francisco). And for 4 months, we lived apart before we moved to London to join him. He even came home for long weekends once a month, which Gabriel enjoyed. But when dad was gone, it was like he didn't exist. Gabriel wouldn't talk to him on the phone, talk about him or look at pictures of him. We used to do finger painting and paint the family - "here's mommy, here's daddy, here's Gabriel, here's grandma"...but he steadfastly would erase Daddy every time I tried to paint him. Anyway, after a few months it passed. Gabriel got older, more verbal, and he stopped punishing his daddy for "leaving him." Keep doing what you are doing - reaching out to your daughter and being close to her in the ways you can. Keep talking to her even if you think she's not listening, because if you keep at it, one day you'll see that it has sunk in: "Mommy loves you so much. I know you must have been worried when I was gone for awhile. It must seem strange that I have to stay in bed all the time. But I'll be better soon and we can play more then."

Good luck. My prayers are with you.

- C.

In your daughter's little toddler mind, she is protecting herself. She didn't understand why you were gone and that you would be coming back to her. (Even if Daddy and older siblings reassured her that you would be home soon - Words don't have much meaning to a toddler missing her Mommy!) Now, she is most likely afraid to rely on you and get close to you again because she doesn't know if you will leave again.

My advice is to constantly reassure her of your continued presence. Even when you are leaving the room for just a minute, tell her what you are doing, where you are going and when you will be back. Do this everytime you leave her sight. Also, talk to her about the days when you were gone. Tell her how much you missed her and how happy you are to be home with her now. And, tell her that you're sorry that you had to leave her. Keep talking to her and she'll overcome her fears.

Good luck.

Hi T.

I hope you are feeling well after you surgery. I have three children also. My middle child is now 9, but when she was 15 months old and I stopped nursing, decided that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. It was heartbreaking, so I know how you feel. All I can say is don't worry too much, they come back to us. To this day, she wants me when she wants me and not necessarily when I want her. I try to go with the flow and pretend it doesn't bother me. My husband used to say that the more I allowed it bother me, the more the game would continue. They know the power they have over us.

My daughter is lovely and I would not change her for the world, she is loving, sensitive and strong willed. When she sees that I am not feeling well, sad or tired, then she becomes the most loving child you can imagine.

Hang in there, things will improve.
Hope this helps.

the fist mistake you mad was not letting her come see you. kids are resilent. For now just be patinet This could just be independice faze. You just need. to let everything just go as it com She will come to you . Pull out some game playit with her. Its not going to be easy You have a lot of love for her she know this. Just take everything one day at a time.

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Lots of patient. she will come around soon, just keep your faith and prays

I know this may be a long shot but it could help you.

Maybe your daughter is put off by the hospital "smell". If you don't smell like mommy, or look like mommy, you aren't mommy. I believe that really young children use their senses more than any mental cognition to make decisions, though I'm no child expert.

You could try putting on some perfume or lotion that you use all the time and launder all the things you wear in the detergent you use regularly.

I remember when I came back from the hospital after a two week stay, my own house smelled weird to me, but it wasn't the house... it was me.

Good luck and speedy recovery to you!