My 2 Yr Old Wont Mind Me Because of My Parents...

Maybe this compromise process will work. I sincerely hope so. You obviously need to communicate clearly with your folks what your expectations are, your needs, your wants; you also need to ask for theirs, so that it's a two-way street, this communication thing.
But in the end, if this doesn't work, I suggest you move heaven and earth, do whatever necessary, to get separate housing, so that you can get control of your child again. The parents will be gone before you are finished rearing him, being responsible for his well-being, and that MUST be the top priority. You cannot let him get comfortable disrespecting you, disobeying, ignoring you, for though it may be slightly cute right now, when he is 16, it will be a nightmare. He needs consistency and structure. All kids do. That's our job as parents. When they don't get it, they are thrown into a huge disconnect, feeling that since no one else is in charge, no one else is acting as leader, much as Cesar Milan describes a dog needing a pack leader, the child will begin to take that on, and they obviously can't do it very well, having no perspective, no life experience to draw on when decision-making. So everything falls apart when they try to be parent and decision-maker by default because no one else is.
Get on top of it, and stay on top of it. Also Google The Role of Sugar in Health (it's nonexistent!) and give your parents articles to read. Ask them to consider the research coming in on the fact that sugar interferes with the immune system's feedback loop, interferes with the DNA's gene expression switching system. It has huge implications for a child, in resisting disease, in cell development during growth, all kinds of mishaps possible.

You need to move out! I know it will be hard on you to care for your son alone, but it will be better for your son in the long run. Your parent's disrespect for your wishes as to how to raise your child are not acceptable and they need to know you mean business (and your son needs to know that as well). If they continue to undermine your authority and encourage him to do things that aren't appropriate, he's the one who's going to suffer. I'd find an apartment this weekend and hit the door running as fast as I could!!!

You are in a tough situation. As grandparents they want to spoil him and rightly so, but you are not in the typical situation in that you are all under the same roof and together all of the time. I would try by complementing them on how well they raised you and tell them that you want your chance to raise your son with their support. Let them know the reasons why you want things done a certain way. Tell them that you know they want to spoil him, but it's making it harder on you to raise him the way you and your husband want to. Maybe try a compromise and let them spoil him on one day a week instead of everyday. That can be his and their special day to do as they please, but any other days they need to support you in the way that you want to raise him. I hope you can find a peaceful solution! good luck

Gotta talk to them girl!!! This is not going to get better. They are probably doing it without even thinking about it...so maybe there is some kind of code that you can give them so they know when they are doing it...like...Hey Ma, is that the the door bell? Hey Pop, is that your cell phone ringing? You of course don't want to come out looking like the "crazy rule lady" to your 2 year old, but something to give them a little reminder and give your parents an excuse to back out of the situation....

T.,

It can be hard living with your parents when you have kids...I know, we live with my parents and have 2 kids. When we all moved in together, my husband and I just laid down some rules. The big one...WHAT WE SAY GOES! It sounds like if your parents aren't willing to let you be the parent...then it is time to move out! Your son is going to be very confused about who is mommy if you don't get it under control ASAP! Good luck. I will be praying for your husband and tell him "Thank You for serving our county!"

T.,

I can commiserate. I am a single mother and I live with my parents so that I do not have to spend all of my time working to support my daughter instead of spending time with her. This will all change soon, though; I've got to get out of my parents. Anyway, it's hard for grandparents to have their grandkids in their home full time, because they don't get to do the honorary grandparent spoiling. Your parents need to make a shift and realize that the dynamics of their relationship with your son needs to change. There will be some things that you need to bend on, though. There's a sacrifice and a price you pay when you live with your parents. It's a tricky dynamic because everyone has to change their roles some. Talk with your parents calmly and rationally when your son is not around. Ask them to understand that you are under stress as it is with your husband deployed, and ask them to please make the transition easier for you by abiding by your rules. Talk with them and decide what you can compromise on, then hold them to the things they agreed to uphold with you. This will definitely take some adjustment. It's a difficult thing.

First of all the child is yours not theres. My mom babysits my 2 kids full time & she knows what I allow & don't allow for my kids. There may be times where she askes me if it's ok to do something which is fine every once in a while, but when I don't want my child doing something then she doesn't allow it to happen either. You are going to just have to sit down with your parents and explain to them that in order to make things better is that they need to go by your parenting rules. Remember you are the kids parent not them.

T., you already have gotten a ton of excellent advice so I won't reiterate it. However, I want to give you the perspective of a grandparent who has been on both sides of this coin. I used to ignore certain of my daughter's rules for her children because I thought they were unnecessarily restrictive and I didn't agree with them. I let them watch more TV than she liked and gave them "treats" because I knew they didn't get sugar at home and at the time I thought that was some kind of mistreatment. I wanted my grandchildren to have any and everything they wanted. It was wrong and disrespectful. I finally woke-up big time when she told me that unless I would agree to follow her rules where her children were concerned that they wouldn't be allowed to stay at my house anymore. That was the worst thing I could imagine and it did the trick. After I was educated about the negative effects on children of too much TV and sugar, etc. I realized how right my daughter was and how wrong I was on a number of levels. I am SO proud of her for standing up to me and insisting on doing what was best for her children. I don't know your personal situation but your parents sound eerily similar to how I was. If discussing the situation with them does not work (and it didn't with me) then I strongly suggest you start looking for other living arrangements. If you don't have the money to get a small place of your own, do you have other family or friends where you could stay? Another alternative if your parents won't listen to you is having someone else discuss this with them. Do they have a pastor or someone else they respect that might intercede? I'm sure your parents mean well and I hope they are willing to listen to you and respect you but if they don't do not be afraid to move out, if that's what it takes. I wish you the best, T.!

There are military bases that would consider putting you in base housing while your husband is deployed. My son is deployed to Iraq and his wife and children live on base. I would contact family services on the nearest base and explaine the problem. I will pray for you. God be with you and tell your husband thank you for serving our country. M.

My kids are spoiled by my parents. I basically had to have a sit down with my parents. Basically just let them know what your expectations are for your child, what he can and cant do, and that it is causing a problem. This is going to be a toughie because grandparent are going to have it their way with the grandchildren. After my discussion with my parents, they have more repect to me, than just letting MY kids have or do what they want.

I know how you feel. For several reasons, me and my kids have also lived off and on with my own parents who do not follow the same beliefs about raising kids as me and my hubby. It is the ultimate frustration! However, I realize that I can not expect my parents to do as I would--it is their home and their grandchildren--they really can not be expected to do as you would wish. Just hang in there and know that once you are back in your own home, you will have more control.

You have received some great advise, but I would like to give my two cents from grandma's side.

My daughter and her 1 1/2 year old moved in with us for awhile. We were taken out of the roll of the grandparents that spoil overnight. It was not any easier for us than it was for her. So we compromised.

Talk to your mom and dad without your son present, after he is asleep. Explain that you want them to be able to spoil him, but now there has to be some limits since he is there on a daily basis. For instance, grandpa giving him sweets at night - ask him to only give them to him on Friday and Saturday nights, or which ever nights he would be able to stay up later. Grandma letting him eat off her plate - only on family fun nights. All other nights everyone should be eating at the table without the television.

These are your parents. They will listen. You seem to be a very bright woman with a lot of common sense. That probably came from your raising! And they will love you always even if they get a little hurt at first from your talk. Trust me, they will respect you.

After a year and a half, our daughter and granddaughter are no longer living with us, and we enjoy being back in the role of the spoiling grandparents.

Also, thank you to your husband and you for the service to your country. I appreciate the sacrifices you are making for us. God bless you.

You have a difficult situation. You being the "child" of your parents may find it awkward, but you need to sit with them as the parent of your child and let them know that his welfare and appropriate development is your priority. Let them know that there are some basic things that you will not compromise and let them know what those things are. Be adult, but firm and don't waiver. Then follow through.

I think Amber said it all!! I pretty much agree with everything she said.

And I really want to emphasize my thanks as well for the sacrifice your family is making for our country, THANK YOU!!!!

If you have the money, move out on your own. Living in a small apartment by yourself should be easier than having to deal with your parents disrespecting you.

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your parents, Tell then that they raised you, and now you are a parent, and the responsibility of training your child is up to you and your husband, and that although you arethankful for their suppport, they are to be the grandparents, and should abide by your rules in raising your child, and not to undermine you, and how would they of liked it if someone tried to undermine them when they were raising you??? And that a specialgrandparent treat when visiting for an afternoon, is not the same as when you move in and it is on going. How will the child know the difference??? Ask them to please respect you. Do this after the child is in bed, and say we need a familyl conference, and I'm not wanting a confrontation, just some reasonable talk. Hope this helps.

First, I want to thank you and your husband for his service to our country. To your situation, I think you need to sit down with your parents and have a discussion. While it is their home, and their natural role is to spoil their grandson, with you living there for an extended period, he needs routine and discipline. Tell them you need their support and backing as his parent. Ask that they respect your rules for him, such as limiting his sugar and making him sit at the table. It will be difficult at first, because he is 2 and he will be stubborn, possibly even throw a tantrum or two. But hang in there, and with your parents' support, he will come around. Praise him when he obeys, and be sure to tell him how proud his Daddy is of him! I'm sure he is missing him, too, and with moving, this is a tough time for him. But with consistency and love, he will adjust. BTW, I am a grandmother of 3 with a son in the Air Force. My DIL and 3 grandchildren (4, 2, and 6 mo.) stayed with us for 5 weeks while my son was in officer training, so I can relate to your situation. I didn't necessarily always agree with the way my DIL disciplined the children, but they are HER children, and I was there to support her. We all love them and want what's best for them in the end, and I'm sure that's true with you and your family, as well. Best of luck, and hug your little boy for me!

I haven't read through all your responses so if i'm just repeating what they have said I'm sorry. You must set the the boundaries. Have a chat with your parents about the situation explain to them that these are the rules you need to have you son follow. If your parents don't respect how you want to raise you child then you need to move out/ You can stay close by so you will still have their support but you can't stay in an environment where you are putting your child at risk. (risk meaning learning bad behaviors)

T.,
You are the parent. It is time you set some boundaries. This is your child and you are about to have a second child. It is only going to get worse before it gets better if you do not change things now. You do not have to be mean or tactless, but it is time to act 26. You are no longer their little girl and it is time they see you as a grown up. Spoiling grandchildren is great if you only see them a few times a year, but not for everyday. It is time to cowgirl up and ask for what you want. It is time you are consistent, steady, loving, and have a backbone. If you need help with this and learning to set boundaries, call the volunteers at www.sosinc.org for some help. In the meantime, read "Parenting with Love and Logic". Also, you need to have a private sit down talk with your parents and explain how much enabling the bad behavior is only going to backfire in the end. Tell them how much it hurts you to have them go against you. If there is something you are doing, such as not paying rent, asking them to babysit too much, or some other behavior they hate, then change it. Do whatever it takes to earn their respect and command their respect regarding raising your children. This will only end badly if it continues. Call me if you need any information about sosinc.org. Sincerely, B. ###-###-####

First of all, THANK YOU for the sacrifice you are clearly making on our behalf!! That said, I would suggest a few things. I think you should make your own list of the absolutes with your rules. For example..he absolutely must hold someones hand in a parking lot, he must go to bed by a certain time..whatever it is that is the very most important to you. And then, make a list of the things that you can let go of. Maybe you can let go of where he eats, as long as you have more control over what he is eating. Maybe you would like him to watch less tv, but can let it go some. Finally, some things you can compromise on. Such as the sweets..maybe ask if grandad can give him his candy earlier in the day so he has a chance to run it off, or as a reward for some really good behavior. Or maybe you can say that you can allow for a later bed time, but would love it if grandma could spend some of that time reading him a few stories, just to help him wind down. They need to respect you for sure, but it might help you enjoy the time there better if you were also able to relax on some of the non essentials. I can remember my in-laws thinking I was crazy for not letting my first child have hot dogs..ever!! Or that I would get upset with them when they gave her a sip of their Pepsi. I wanted them to do what I said, and they should, but at the same time, neither one of those things would be dangerous in small amounts, or damaging to her character, but could be damaging to our relationship if I forced the issue. Your son will understand as time goes by that the rules at grandmas house are different, and when daddy gets home, and you guys are back in your own house, he will be able to make the adjustment pretty easily. There is so much for you to worry about, and even though he cant verbalize it, your son misses his daddy, so I would encourage you to try to take this time to allow all of you to enjoy being together. Create memories with your parents that all of you will treasure..in the end, that will mean far more to you than how many pieces of chocolate he had. I can only say this because now I am about to have number 5, and experience has taught me that in the end, some of my "rules", while good in intention, were just not worth fighting over. May God bless you as you struggle through this time, and your husband with health, safety and a quick return. I admire your bravery!! ~A.~

I am a grandmother of 5 boys - 9,8,5,3,and1.
Not so much advice as a statement. Your parents are showing you a total lack of respect by not backing you up with your son. TELL THEM SO. If this still doesn't work try getting your pediatrician involved because it doesn't sound as if you have the choice of threatening to move out at this point. But speaking as a grandmother I think the main issue is that they are not showing you any respect and if this continues your son will not show you any either.

If your son were only visiting them once in a while they could spoil him when he is there and you might want to tell them that. How did they raise you? Were you allowed to have sugar any time you wanted? You also might try having them put the sugar-highed 2 year old to bed and they might stop that.

Good luck

Grandma B

I think the answer is pretty simple. MOVE OUT! Perhaps if you tell your parents you are planning to move out because . . . ., they'll start respecting your wishes. If not, MOVE OUT!

T.,

You might want to have a talk with your parents and explain to them that you moved back home during a deployment since you had enough stress before hand and that they are suppose to be helping releave some of that stress and that you realize you are living in their house but you need then to honor the rules you already had set in place for your son and they were working previously. Also you might want to explain to them that having a deployed husband is stressful enough and contact onesource for help since they are there 24/7. I personally have been deployed twice and have my third coming up this July to Afganistan and know that it's hard for both sides of the fence on deployments. Talk to them and talk top Onesource. GOOD LUCK and I hope your husband is able to come home for the birth of your second baby.

K.