hello fellow moms. i have a 2 year old daughter who is an angel with little problems as long as my mil and fil arent home. like for instance my in laws were camping all last week and my daughter was soo good i think i had to raise my voice to her 2 times. then my fil came home for the night and she screamed and cried when being put to bed. also when they both came home sunday night she started her terror run. she wont listen shes throwing horrid tantrums and fights me and my husband on everything we do. my inlaws give her everything she wants and im working on correcting it because its to get her to stop acting out and i dont do the bribery thing with candy and sweets. they seem to think that just because she wants it she should get it. i am all for rewarding GOOD behavior but not bad. my husband and i have tried talking to them about it and they B*#%@$ that they are being told what to do in their house and they have raised kids and blah blah blah. sometimes my in laws seem to forget who my daughters parents really are. please any helpful non negative advice on how to handle my daughter. i have given up on my inlaws.
****( please dont tell me to respect my in laws. I DO. they dont respect my husband and i)****
i recieved a lot of helpful advice. my husband and i are looking to move out of state. he wants to move to where my dad lives in washington state. this really angers his parents but its our choice and my husband has been wanting to move there since i first took him up there. its a great small town there. so hopefully we will be able to move there in a couple years. as far as now ill be doing the same thing and re inforcing my rules for my child and ignoring what his parents say to do with her.
It's going to continue as long as you live with them. You can try to find a place of acceptance or you can move out.
It sounds like things might be easier if you did not live with them. I would recommend you move out. That will also establish the boundries on who is the parent.
In addition to all the other responses... I know this is your in-laws home, but it is your child.
How about, making a "cute" but clear "list" of "rules" for your child... and hang it up in a common area where everyone can see.
THAT way, 'everyone' will know the 'basics' of what is allowed or not allowed in terms of your daughter.
It doesn't have to be complicated, just simple one sentence things, that are clear and concise.
THEN, teach your daughter, that you/Hubby are the "parents" and only the Parents have the last say....
We live with my Mom... and there were adjustments for everyone. But, by the time my daughter was your daughter's age... we had "taught" her that "WE" are the Parents... not anyone else.. .and she was to ask us "first" for things... ie: like eating candy, going out with Grandma by herself, etc. Simple things but things that are OVERALL important. THIS way, my daughter was not "confused" about "who" to ask permission, or "who" can give her permission etc. The burden of this should not be on the child. This really helped... and it also helped my Mom in "understanding" boundaries and what "we" as her parents allowed or not. We do the same with my kids Aunty who comes over often.
The bottom line is, WE the parents, have the carte blanche in the decisions that affect our childrens well-being or safety or health.
This "method" has really helped everyone involved, and we really all get along great now.
All the best, just some ideas.
Susan
Hi J.:
This isn't the first time that you've written in regards to your in laws.You may as well stop fighting,and complaining,because nothing is going to change,until you and your husband and your daughter move out of their home,and into your own place.Living together,not only makes life rougher for you,but it robs your in laws of the ability to be Grandparents. Having Grandparents,is suppose to be A wonderful thing.Believe me,life would be quite different,if you lived on your own and your daughter only went to visit your in laws.They could enjoy her,and then send her home to you.Your daughter would soon grasp the difference,between being at home with mom and dad and visiting,(being doted on by Grandma and Grandpa.All the complaining in the world,isn't going to change your situation. Your going to continue to disagree,become agitated and build up a resentment towards them,until you get a place of your own.
J.,
Nothing will change while you are under their roof, that is for sure. For sure. (I have lived with in-laws, and I know this for certain. It is their home and they will do as they please.) So, start saving your money and do whatever you need to do to move out. If it were me, I would dump the pageant business and make moving out my full priority. If you don't, and continue to live with them, you will have quite a handful on your plate in regards to your daughter's behavior in the long run. Sounds like you already do. I'm sure you don't want that behavior solidified any further. Best of luck to you.
Hi J. I have been following your mamasource issues for a long time, and i beleve you are a great mom, it's hard when you live in someone elses house under somone elses rules. what your inlaws don't understand is playing the grandma/grandpa card doesn't apply when the grandkids live with you, that applys, when you come to visit or your grandkids come to visit you. At 2 it will be hard to undo the spoilling, from grandma and grandpa, because it seems to be done on a daily basis, You and your husband have rules for your daughter, and I'm sure you have your style of discipline, continue with it, regarlesess of what your inlaws say or do, they may look at that as disrespect, but it's not, it's you and your husband working together to train and raise your daughter. pweservere and I believe you will come out on top, and I know I have said this to you before, when you can get out, being in your own place will be better for all of you. J. L
Hi J.,
I agree with some of the ladies that say MOVE OUT!! My husband and I lived with his parents for one year and that was way too long for me. We were lucky we didn't have our daughter till we moved out. I think we wouldn't be talking if we were still living with them. You really need to move out and get your own independence. That way they don't have an opinion on how you raise your child and what you do in your own home. My mil still wants to control my husband, but I keep reminding him she has no opinion in our home how we do things. When you do move out you will see how different your daughter will be and your relationship with your inlaws will change for the better. I respect my inlaws too, but would never ever move in with them again....good luck
I'm assuming you're living with your inlaws because you guys can't afford your own place? Please forgive me if I'm wrong. The best thing is for you guys to move out. You have been given great advice... the other moms are right. But jsut to let you know from my own experience--yourdaughter is testing her limits because she has seen that she can get away with so much more when your inlaws are around. My daughter would be great during the day, but when my husband would come home ... whole other child. She was/is 'daddy's little girl' and he wanted to give her everything under the sun in the evenings when he was home. Since then he doesn't spoil her like the way he used to and things are much better.
Wish you lots of luck !
J.,
Just my two cents...
I live with my Mom and Dad with my almost 3 YO son and it can be challenging, but if you can't communicate with you in-laws in a way that shows them they can be Grandma and Grandpa whilst living in the same house, then you've done all you can. I understand there are personal reasons of why you are living with them, but what is the trade off? You sound miserable with the living situation and you are not helping your little girl by putting her in this situation either.
In our situation, my parents are respectful of how I parent and they enforce my rules because they respect me as a person and as their child who needs their help. But, if your in-laws don't respect you and your rules it will continue to be tough. My Mom and Dad have special time where they get to be grandparents, and it's usually when I'm at work and they do fun stuff together. My Dad will ask if my son can have a special treat or dessert.
Really I feel for you because I couldn't imagine living in a place where I couldn't speak my mind or be heard. Your husband really needs to step up and be more proactive about making sure his parents respect you and your rules, whether they agree with them or not.
Sit down and come up with a game plan with your husband about how to get out and how to make the most of the time you do have to be there.
Good Luck.
I think she is acting out because she is confused by having two sets of rules at home. They are raising her one way and you are the other way. If they don't respect you and your husband as parents, you need to talk with your husband and get an agreement about the budget. Move out as soon as you can and then all the in law conflict will resolve itself. Sometimes you have to move far away from your family to be on your own as a married couple. Just remember, everyday, you are doing the best job you can as a mom.
Best of luck,
J.
long story short, MOVE OUT AND GET YOUR OWN PLACE! times aretough but this willonly get worsein the long run.
Hi J.,
I am so sorry you and your family are having such a hard time. I also live with grandparents and I had to lay down some serious boundaries. I got the same complaints about my house, my rules, but didnt let that stop me. I made it very clear that if they wanted to be a part of my children's upbringing, they had to do it on my terms. Of course advice is allowed, but had to be allowed to be just that, advice. You dont have to choose to follow it. This is your child and your rules absolutely have to apply. On the other hand, these are her grandparents and they are notorious for spoiling, etc. Maybe you could try setting up a grandparents night, where its their time to spend it with your child and their rules, etc apply, but just for the night and that you and your husband dont have to be around for it, that way your daughter wont think you accept the behavior.
Good luck,
D.
Hi J.,
It is unfortunate that you share living space with your in-laws, because that seems to be the problem in that they feel they should be allowed to behave as they choose in their home regardless of the fact your daughter is, well, yours. I have a similar, but far less drastic problem with my MIL who often tries to undermine my authority - mostly on small stuff. (Of course, we don't live with them - thank the Lord!) I have learned, as you, she won't change and so my only recourse is to force the issue. If I have said "No" to something and she interjects with a "Yes" I completely ignore her and focus on my son and getting him to do what I have said. If she comments that he got only a tiny serving of ice cream (of course this is directed to him), I talk to him and say "You got just the right amount, sweetheart. It is not good for your body to have too much sugar. Go play now." Your daughter has learned you have stress about the relationship with your in-laws and struggle with allowing or disallowing what they say/do. You are her mother, ignore your in-laws and your daughter may learn to do the same.
Unfortunately, kids will do whatever gets them what they want, whether it's attention or sweets or whatever. As long as her grandparents are around her, she'll act like this. I'm assuming you live with them because of financial reasons. The sooner your family is into a place of its own, the better. Then she'll only act like this when her grandparents come to visit or take her on an outing, and then THEY'LL have to deal with it. Living in your own space will mean that every day is like those two weeks you just experienced!
Maybe this sounds drastic- but I would move. I know that California is expensive ( I live here). However even renting an apartment for the three of you would be preferable than having to live through all the drama with your in-laws.
Hello J.. I understand your dilemma, I was in one similar to that when my daughter was little. The best thing to do is to stay away from them for a while, and let them know that until they can respect you and your husband's rules, you guys will refrain from visiting them. Period, point, blank. I think they need to respect what you and your husband are trying to enforce. Best of luck to you :)
