My 2 1/2 Year Old Son

I don't know a whole lot about temper problems, but if it were my child, I would take him to his room, set him on his bed and tell him he could come back out in a few minutes once you've both had some time to unwind. Then leave the room and close his door. If he continues to act out while in his room tell him he has to stay there another minute until he calms down. But if he takes his punishment calmly, have him come out, explain why he was there and give him a hug and tell him you love him. Good luck.
K.

before i had my daughter i worked with children with behavioral problems such as this. i would contact MH/MR (mental health/mental retardation) in your area. they should be able to refer you to someone who can give you advice. in my experience, it's better to take this behavior seriously now before the child gets older, because it's much easier to change their behavior when they're younger. good luck! there's no need to feel alone because you can definitely find help out there.

I think the best advice you've got here so far is spending time with him w/out any other things allowed to distract your time with him. Try not to feel "threatened" by him. Overcome all "evil" with good. I think there is a balance of time w/him and with the need for "punishment". As has been said, decide what the consequences for each thing should be and DO them with out showing your anger or hurt. Just decide what and be consistent. And then love and plenty of positive attention. If he pulls you into a room; try letting him and sitting down on the floor with him and saying, ok what? Surprise him. Do something the opposite of what you have been doing. Focus on him like you have absolutely nothing else in the world to do until he seems somewhat satisfied. I have done that and what seems like 2 hrs. only really took me 15 min. to 1/2 hr.

I would seek the advice of your pediatrician pretty quickly and have them help you determine what course of action you should take.

Keep using the time out thing. Make him sit on a naughty chair or mat. Tell him that this behavior is unexceptable and if it continues you will have to sit on the naughty mat. If he leaves it put him back. Continue to put him back over and over again. If you have to do it 10 times, just stick to your guns. He has to learn that you are in control, not him. If he gets in your face or pinches you put him back and don't talk to him. When he's done (1 min of every year of age), make him apologize for his behavior. It's tough but if you allow this to continue it will only get worse. You have to stop this now. Make the punishments consistant and only give one warning. Tell him if you do that again you will sit on the naughty mat. If he does it again follow through. If you don't he will learn that Mommy isn't really going to do anything and it won't change anything. You have to be strong, remember you are doing this for your well-being and your sons as well.

I would recommend reading, "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Green(e). It discusses inflexible, emotional kiddos. This may fit your situation or it may not. But, at least it will give you some resourceful information and ideas. I would suggest visiting the website www.fcbcsupport.org. Again, it might be useful, might not. My son suffers from AD/HD and other things and definitely falls into "behaviorally challenged". Again, it might just be a resource for you to know that your child doesn't fit into that strong catagory. Good luck!!!

Have you tried to spend time with just the two of you? My son was acting out when I had my daughter and I didnt have enough time to even brush my teeth, he was just attention deprived from me. I made my husband watch the baby and i would take him for a walk or go to the park and he slowly got a lot better!

The screaming/yelling temper tantrums are a part of being a 3 year old. The violence, however, is not. It sounds like you need some help with him. My oldest has always battled wits with me, but when his behavior was headed towards being purposefully rough with his little brothers, I got help. Look in the phone book, or check with your insurance carrier for "behavior modification specialists". They are great. They'll come for home visits, do an evaluation after watching how he interacts with you & his sibling on a daily basis, and work with you on a behavior paln. The best part is that they help you through the entire thing. When I was going through this I felt helpless & not only was my son out of control, but I was too. It has been over a year since we ended our program & though he tests me ALOT!, I never lost focus on the fact that I am in control, & my son has become more comfortable with that fact. If you don't have insurance, call them anyway, usually they can get you help regardless, or help you find a similar/suitable program. Something is going on with him and not only are you responsible for helping him through it, but also insuring that he doesn't hut anyone or himself.
The best of luck to you!!!

Hi A.,
I have a 3 1/2 yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old. Both are at the wonderful temper tantrum ages and what I finally had to resort to was putting a hook and eye on their bedroom doors. That way when they had the tantrums and they wouldn't do time outs in the corner or on the stairs, they started hitting or kicking or following me from room to room, I put them in their room for time outs. I know alot of parents advicate the use of "1 minute per year of life", but for me the length of the time out usually depends on how long it takes me to calm down and be able to deal w/ them rationally. When I lock them into their room, I know they are safe and they can calm down without hurting themselves, their sibling or me. It has worked incredibly well for us, the kicking and hitting has stopped and length of time outs has gotten shorter and shorter. I know it sounds drastic, but it's what I had to resort to. Hope this helps. Good luck, T.

This kind of behavoir is definitely unacceptable.It looks like the other people in your childs life have figured out what kind of discipline works with your child. Have you tried asking them to help you. Does your husband back you up when you try to discipline your child? If your son is with you most of the time that can cause problems as well... Most children tend to obey the authority figures that are not around them all the time more often. I have two boys myself and when my oldest son was 3 we had some anger issues with him however they were only at daycare... he never did those things at home... He did them at daycare because he got away with it there.... they did not discipline him...and when they did put him in time out they sat there with him so he got one on one time instead of time out.... when you punish him.. do you stick to it.... when i found out about how my son was acting at daycare he got in trouble as soon as he got home... once he realized that he wasn't getting away with anything that behavoir stopped... good luck

"He yells and screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way."

Kids use whatever works for them. Your son may think that by being a bully, he'll get his way. He doesn't do this elsewhere because he's (probably) found that it wasn't productive.

Though you can't change a child's temperment, you can show them that behavior like this will NEVER EVER get them the results they want and appropriate behavior will. Make sure you reward "kindness for kindness's sake" at every opportunity. It doesn't have to be anything more than a smile, a wink, a thumbs up, a hug, but it should be acknowledged. Don't take it for granted that kids always know right from wrong. Once he sees he gets attention for appropriate behavior, he may seek out more of that "good stuff" from you.

"I try to redirect his attention to something else, but it just doesn't work."

I suggest that you sit down with him when things are calm and explain to him that you expect him to be kind and polite to everyone, including you. Yes, I know he's only 3 but you have to start somewhere. Explain to him that you'll remind him to be kind and polite when you see him starting to slip, but before things get out of hand. Perhaps you can have a "safe word" that you can use to help remind him of what you expect. How 'bout ROCKETSHIP!? He may really like having this little s
"secret" with you. It'll make him feel special that you two can communicate in such a way.

You might also let him know of the consequences of unacceptable behavior. It's up to you to decide what this may be, but it MUST be TOTALLY consistant. He's going to test and test and test you and it will probably get worse before it gets better, but once he sees you can be counted on 100% of the time to "hang tough," things will probably get better.

It's hard to do, but really helpful to take emotions out of the situation on your part and act very "matter-of-factly." One reason kids act out is to get a desired response from you and you acting neutral is one response that's not very rewarding for him.

"Now he's getting violent too. It's only with me. He doesn't throw fits and get violent like that when his father is home or when he is at daycare or the grandparents houses. everyone tells me he was fine."

This is NOT fine! Who tells you it's okay for him to hurt others? Shame on them!

"i also have a 1 year old son. my 3 year old likes to "beat him up" as soon as i turn my back. I just don't know what to do with the 3 year old anymore."

Tell him ahead of time that you must keep EVERYONE safe, including him and the baby brother. Since you don't trust that he'll be kind to his brother and keep his hands to himself, it's time to have him shadow you and NEVER leave the two of them together. You probably really don't want to leave kids that young unsupervised anyway. Tell him that once you see that you can trust him to be kind, he'll get more freedom.

"i've tried spanking (which i really don't like), time outs, and just ignoring him."

And now that you see these don't work, don't do this again. Spanking never works, it never has. Time outs can be useful if they're used sparingly, ignoring has it's place, but not with violence.

"When i try to ignore him, he gets right in my face and tries climbing on me, or pinching my arm, or tries to pull me into the other room."

Since you can expect him to do this, don't give him the chance. You can hold him away from you or hold him close until he calms down, but don't allow him to strike or try to intimidate him.

"What should i do to try to control his "raging temper" and the violence? I've ran out of ideas and almost out of patience with him......Please help me!!!!"

If this were my child, I'd run (not walk) to a professional who deals with this sort of issue. It's much better to address it now, than when he's 15.

Remember, these are just my opinions and only what I might do in similar situations.

Good luck.

-C.

A.,

You mentioned Day Care. Are you working outside the home full time? It may be that between not seeing you all day, and having to "share" you with your other son, he is feeling attention deprived. I'm not saying that he is, just that he is feeling that way. Toddlers require more attention than any one person can possible give, for more hours than there are in a day.

Can you structure your day so that you can do an activity with him when you first get home? Maybe prep meals in advance so all you have to do is put them in the oven, and then play a game or read a story to him?

A lot of times I find myself letting my son go along playing happily, and use that time to get things done, and only pay attention when he's cranky or acting out or getting into things. Then he does those things to re-focus my attention on him. If you can "catch" your son doing something well, or being nice to his little brother, and really pour on the praise and attention, it may be that he'll use those positive things as attention seeking behaviors.

If you really can't shape and redirect his behavior, then try seeing a pediatrician. It may be that something medical is going on that's shaping his behavior, allergies and intolerances to things in his diet or environment can have substantial effect on a child's personality.

HI, I also am a 24 year old mm with two boys ages 3 and 1.
He is definitely looking for attention. Number one I would suggest that you don't reward the bad behavior by sitting down and spending time with him when he does this stuff. I found that spanking doesn't work very well for the temper tantrums when he feels left out or jealous, but when you find somethign that works, stick to it, whether it is taking away a special toy, time alone in his bedroom(where it is quiet), or taking away a tv show. ALWAYS explain what the discipline is and reiterate as much as you have to WHY he has that consequences.
Then make sure that when he is not acting out to spend some one on one time with him. I did things as simple as taking him with me to run an errand when daddy is home or taking him to Mcdonalds for chicken nuggets, run around in the yard with him for 15 minutes while little brother stays inside. Then also at times, expplain to him that it is brother's turn to do something with mommy while he does something with daddy. Then there is a balance of him knowing that he isn't the only special one in yor life but you think they are both special.
Good Luck, H.

A. for whatever reason he doesn't see you as an authority figure. Look at your fiancee and how he handles him. What are the differences in your parenting style?? Does your 3 yr old feel slighted because more attention is directed as his little brother?