K.,
Kellymom.com
attachment parenting international . org
these are two sites you can ask this question and get answers from Moms with degrees.
spanking is hitting.
Don't hit him to get him to stop hitting you. not only is there no logic involved, it's not going to give him any incentive to want to stop. monkey see, monkey do.
Don't expect him to make adult decisions (stopping) until he is 7. Simply give him positive affirmations for good behavior, and ignore anything you don't want repeated. Safety issues are the sole reason for not ignoring any behavior. Redirect from safety issues as you would from any other behavior you don't want.
Don't get into lengthy explanations, don't ask him if he understands. And don't use the word 'don't' because he is not equipped to understand the meaning in the context of the words.
a child hears the LAST THREE WORDS YOU USE.
Don't hit your brother.
Don't spit on there.
Don't bang your head on the wall.
It's like suggesting new and inventive things to a child to 'don't' do something. You wouldn't want to hurt your brother now, would you? (oh well now that you suggest it, I think I might just do that...)
Time out is rarely, if ever, used as originally intended. If I could find the original instructions (ie: from the person who thought it up) you would see that it is NOT what is out there now. Time out does NOT work. It simply teaches the child, who still can't put 2 +2 together to get 4 instead of 5, 6 or 8, to either hide their behavior (don't want to be separated from parents) or dissociate from their behavior (I'm sorry I slapped you - as the child slaps the other person AGAIN as they are doing the apology!)
Demanding apologies from any child under 7 is pure hypocrisy. If you are in the habit of apologizing, they may IMITATE that, but they have no idea what sorrow is yet, at least not for an action they have done, nor do they have any clue that what they do is WRONG - in their eyes. They know that SOMETHING has transpired to make MOM/DAD angry, but rarely do they connect what THEY did with the ANGER from the parent.
My son does this random hit thing. It grew into a not so random hit thing.
you have to be awake and aware of your surroundings with your child.
You have to redirect his negative actions with positive attention to something else. I can't give you the medical/psychological mumbo jumbo that says what he is actually doing (I think it is testing boundaries but boy does it HURT when he smacks you right on your c-section scar! and you CAN"T hit him back, you are the adult here, right? You know better, right?)
Redirect.
Redirect.
Redirect.
and...
Redirect again.
you can't 'talk' to him like an adult. you need to redirect. He will not 'get' it.
I don't normally tell people not to have kids, but if you can't do the redirect, seriously think about not having any siblings for him. Because it ONLY GETS WORSE especially when someone in or out of the family insists on directing your child to do something by giving them a 'don't' instruction followed by negative attention (which, if the child has been missing out on attention at all, is ATTENTION they aren't normally getting. They'll take what they can get. And they'll reinforce with negative behavior BECAUSE IT GETS VERY QUICK RESULTS. And if they're lonely, or missing a parent (like in the military) it gets even worse because any attention is better than none, and nothing assuages that lonely hurt like attention.) My son, who is not neglected but does play by himself occasionally while I make food, wants all the attention his new brother gets. And when he reaches into that bucket seat that the newborn enjoys, and rakes his fingernails across his face, boy does he get ATTENTION. From everyone else. So it just FEEDS on itself, and I have a little lovely kind little boy who is very thoughtful most times, who will torture his little brother because he got not only ATTENTION, but that surprised quick gasp of shock from the next person - which he FEEDS off of because it is a funny look on a person's face. And gosh knows, my boy LOVES FUN!
Redirect. SAve your sanity, and save your future life with your child. Redirect.
Good luck, and if/when you want children, I'm all for it. I just suggested waiting/putting off/deciding not to for that one reason. Children are beautiful. they aren't meant to be hit. Violence starts small and gets big. Once you start, you can stop, but once you let it go, you have to go big or go home. the bigger you have to get, the more chance you have of not only physically hurting them. You have already psychologically hurt them, even though you can't see it (and they're fine, right? no, not so.)
If you have a pet problem (ie: mean or tortures pet) you have to be on guard for the safety of the pet (just as you would sibling) only it is more important that you catch it before or just as it happens, so you can help the child (the younger the better) turn the hit into a caress and show them how to lovingly give attention to the pet. This is how we pat our Pookie Bear! This is how we do it! (and AVOID saying :don't hit our Pookie Bear! You don't want to HURT Pookie Bear now? Wait, what did i say about hitting Pookie Bear?)
Good luck, <sigh> You CAN stop hitting. He's only a baby.
M.