C.:
Hello! I so understand what you are going through - you are NOT alone!
I have two boys as well - ages 8 and 6. Like you, my 6 year old is a little devil - in a good way, he's always been oodled on my friends, family and day care providers - so he uses his "looks" (he's great with facial expressions!) to TRY and get away with stuff. He HATES to lose, so he will through a good two-year old fit when he loses! YIKES! We are working on this by telling him to try harder if he doesn't like to lose or play smarter (depending upon the situation).
You didn't say if your 5-year old just started doing this or if it's been his behavior his whole life. Does he ONLY have these outbursts around you or do others witness them?
If it started when he was two, I would say it started out as jealousy or attention getting because of the "new" baby and when he got your attention with his antics, he has kept doing it because he's got what he wanted, your undivided attention.
If it's been his whole life, I would think it's either something chemical or otherwise. Talking with your pediatrician without your son around will help. I would video tape his outburts for your pediatrician because I'm guessing he doesn't have them in front of your pediatrician.
My 8 year old doesn't have the same outburts such yours. He does have a "fit" when he's tired and upset about something. He does it for attention.
I do have a friend who has an 8 year old that has these problems - not just the screaming, but sensitive to light and sound, etc. he has been diagnosed as AD/HD - I personally feel that he's a working autistic child (his senory issues are strong) and if he's not autistic then he's a good candidate for the "spectrum" (which I think is autistic as well). He also has violent outbursts (he's tried to strangle my youngest son three times - so when he's over, I cannot leave the room to let them play alone, an adult MUST be with them at all times).
I can tell you from experience that yelling back at him won't help. Changing your discipline method or trying to modify his behavior won't help him as all the changes will confuse him. You and your husband need to agree on ONE method (work with your pediatrician) to help your son. CONSISTENCY COUNTS.
When he has his outburts, ASK him to sit in a chair or go to his room until he is ready to talk about why he's upset. Yelling at him, hitting him, etc. won't help. If he won't listen to you, ignore his outburst, ensure that his younger brother is not in danger nor is your older son and leave him alone until he calms down. Some outburts are just pure attention getters. And if you act the way HE wants you to, then he rules the roost and you don't.
1. Go to your pediatrician WITHOUT him. Ensure your husband is on the same page with you regarding discipline and dealing with his outburts.
2. Ask your pediatrician to test him for various things (AD/HD, autism, etc.) as their could be a medical reason for his outburts that he cannot control.
3. Be consistent when he has an outburst - do NOT play in to it.
4. Ignore him until he's ready to TALK about what's upsetting him. Ensure that he is not in a situation to hurt himself or others. But do not try and wrap your arms around him, argue with him or deal with him until he's calmed down.
With my 8 year old, I tell him that when he's ready to TALK about what's upsetting him, I am not going to deal with him. I let him have his fit and ignore it. I ensure that his younger brother is out of the way and such. However, his fits aren't that bad but they are fits and I don't play in to them.
I truly know what you are going through. I hope that you and your husband can work with your pediatrician to work through this.
Keep me informed. And take care, please know you are NOT alone!