Moved to New Neighborhood and Son Is Having Trouble with One of the Boys

I agree that you need to see for yourself how they play. You are only getting your son's point of view, and like you said, he isn't used to playing with a bunch of kids---so it's really unclear if this boy is just rough or if he is being mean. It's very possible that he just plays rough, and if that's the case, I would try and find a way to pull him aside without your son in earshot (though let your son know you are going to do this) and tell the boy something like, "Can I talk to you for a sec? My son would be really embarassed if he knew I was talking to you about this, so please don't say anything.... He has come home hurt a couple of times and I noticed that you play a little rough. Since you're bigger than him, can you go a little easy on him? I'd really appreciate it. He really wants to fit in as the new kid."

On the other hand, if he is deliberately being so rough that he hurts your son, I would go to the parents.

At 10 years old I think your son is capable and should try to handle this one on his own. In your own words: "I don't want to go to his parents yet because we don't want the other kids to think our son is a tattle tale and then they make fun of him." Mommy and daddy aren't always going to be around to take care of all the "mean kids" for him.

Maybe try to be around when they're having group play just to see for yourself how they're playing. Then you can take it from there once you have a better feel for what's going on. Good luck!

Oh we have had to deal with this ALOT from the children across the street since we moved here! The mother (a single dating lots of guys mother) has a very bad way of dealing with this. When I confronted her about her sons kicking my boys and yanking their hair her response was simply oh I'm sorry but they play rough like this all the time. SERIOUSLY??? Thats NOT ok to do to anyone nor do it to their own siblings! I feel bad cuz my boys want to play with these boys since they are boys and they are the same ages but I can't allow my children to be abused by these brats! They have done all kinds of things like kick them in their privates, soak them with the hose, pull their hair, kick them etc etc. The last time I spoke with the mother I was livid as this was when the boys kicked my son in the privates. I told her straight out that her allowing her children to run rampant isn't helping them and making her look like mother of the year! She agreed with me but then said so how do I handle it. Umm MAKE THEM STOP IT! Give them other things to do and show them how to handle their anger or frustrations and not take it out on my children for one! While you don't want to make it look bad for your son you should go and talk with the parents as they probably are unaware of what he is doing when they aren't around. Or you may find yourself dealing with parents like the lady across the street from me and not get very far. Good luck to you and your son!

I like other people's suggestions to observe the boys play and befriend them.

I've noticed that some boys around the age of 12-13 can be very rough when they play. I think it is becuase they are getting bigger and older but their minds are still immature! LOL! Usually if there are bunch of parents around we'll start saying, hey boys this is getting a little rough lets play something else and get them started on a different game. No one boy is singled out and they get the hint.

There is one boy who still continues to be rough but he is genuinely a good boy just doesn't have a lot of self-control. Hes been through a lot so when he gets out of hand I get my husband and say can you tell him to calm down. Having this instruction come from a man seems to work for him. (His mom has been a single mom up until 2 years ago and he respects my husband.)

You could even perhaps say to the boy you can only be rough like that with a boy of the same size and strength. That might give him a visual clue about who might be more willing to engage in rough play.

If it were me I would start by talking to some of the other parents from the group and feel them out on this to see if its just your son or if all the kids have a problem with this kid. Do it casually in conversation. Also try to observe...have all the kids over for a pizza and video games or something. Learning the dynamics of this "group" will be a big help in figuring out what to do. You will be able to see if the big kid is a ringleader or a bully or just a kid who plays rough.

Observe the playing. When they start to get out of hand, don't feel afraid to step and and say "hey boys, that's a little too rough now, how about everyone come in for some snacks and a take a break?" If you see that this kids is downright bulling your child, and the above measure doesn't work, then feel free to talk to the parents, just remain non-confrontational. tell them you are glad they are friends, but know your son is a little smaller and not used to the rough housing and if you can both team up as parents to make it the best for everyone.

I had to pull a kid off of my son at the playground before when the parents haven't done anything, but I'm always careful and kind at the same time, and said something like, "lets be careful around here".

OK, so I don't have kids that old and haven't been in this situation, however I do have a thought I haven't seen mentioned yet...what about inviting one or two boys over at a time...like a playdate (I realize that word probably sounds babyish). However, if your son can befriend a couple of the boys, then they are more likely to stick up for him or to tell the other kid to "back off" when he's playing rough.

As a mom, you can "facilitate" good playdates. Make cookies, have snacks, let the kids play Wii, etc. ANYTHING your son thinks is "cool". Then once he has a couple of close friends that YOU like, then he can talk with them about this "bully" type kid. (I use the word bully loosely, just referring to the kid who is rough with your child.)

I am a big fan of helping my child to make good friends, who stick up for each other, that I like, etc. If you are "a cool mom" then the kids will want to keep coming over to your house. If your house becomes THE house to go to, then you can supervise play, make sure your son is keeping good company, etc.

I've always said, I'd rather "feed the neighborhood" than not know who my kids are with and what they are doing. Especially when your child is "complaining" about another kid.

I hope this helps you - good luck

Hi, J.:

Here are some questions to ask the bigger kid:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Then ask your son these questions:
1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

They will then come up with a solution.
You are the mediator between the two of them.

Good luck. D.

I would watch them all play together and when the kid acts up. Tell him in a loud Momma bear voice to "knock it off" then tell your son you just made a bunch of chocolate chip cookies. Have all boys to your yard and see what type a kid he is. Just a thought.

No!!! Don't do it! They will work it out or your son will learn to stay away from him. You and this kids parents can't make these boys play nice, it will only get worse. Your son will possibly see this kid around and will have to deal with it without you. I know your urge is to help him, but they have to learn how to deal with these issues. Just be there to guide him, unless there is something harmful going on.

Certainly, you don't think you moved into this neighborhood and were the first to notice this kids issues.

My first instinct is to caution you against speaking directly to the child without his parents present. I feel like this is a situation that can easily go south, even with the best intentions and the gentlest approach. I would agree with the other posters that said watch them playing and of course step in if you have to. I like the idea of smaller playgroups too. That may help, sometimes larger groups can instigate more rowdiness. However, if you feel that this child is bullying your child, you need to talk to his parents about it. Bullying is bad for the bully as well as the victim and his parents should be involved and aware of what is happening.

Observe your son during play with the group and judge for yourself. If you notice that it's a dislike type thing, then talk to the boy without your son seeing. He might think your son is weak for telling and make it worse. Finally encourage your son to defend himself and if all else fails, talk to the parents.