Neighbor Bullies - Should I Interfere?

I would plop myself on a chair to read a book and keep an eye on things. when YOU see the misbehaving you absolutely should address it. My opinion is it takes a village to raise children. this also takes your son being called a tattle tale out of the equation. you see the behavior...you can act on it.

Whenever one of my son's friends is trying to bully or manipulate him into something I step in whenever I can and relay to him how to handle the situation right then and there. I told him not to let anyone bully you into anything, not even being first on the game system. I talk to him about being a leader and not a follower and we often role play on how to handle situations. He has come home from playing across the street early and told me that the boys were not playing fair so he came home. I respect the fact that he knows when and where to stand up for himself and want to make sure that he makes overall decisions in life. Good Luck and by all means-interfere, tell, and get to the bottom of this if you plan to live there for a while!!

Your son is only 7 years old. Why wouldnt you go and confront the parents of these bullies. Its really your job if he is getting hurt. Who else will stick up for him if you dont? I do not hesitate at all to defend my children.

A boy bunched my son in the tummy when he was a little younger, I saw the whole thing. They laughed while he cried and made fun of him. He came right over to me crying. The parents did not do one thing! I was so mad I told my son to M. himself right back over to this bully and punch him back. He did and that little bully cried his eyes out and the parents took notice then! I told them to bad!! I have tought my children to defend themselves, do not start fights......but if someone is coming after you defend yourself. Do not ever let anyone hit you.

I would def go the to house and speak to the parents. If you do not get anywhere with them, then call the police. You need to show them you mean business! Good luck!

Wow, that's a tough one. I'm not a confrontational person by nature but when it revolves around my kids, there's nothing I won't do. I would go and talk with the parents about what is going on. However, first, I would suggest sitting on the porch and observing their behavior a little more. I'm not saying that your son is not telling the truth but sometimes we just need to see with our own eyes what is going on. I hesitate to say step up to the kids and put them in their place as many parents take offense at other people discipling their children and these days you never know if you will be dealing with any kinds of retaliation. Sad but true.... I hope things work out for your son...I'll certainly look forward to seeing how you resolved the problem.

Bill Cosby's story books for beginning readers on bullying and other issues are great that you can read with your child. He will come up with his own ideas on how to handle it. If you do word search in library or internet on Bullies, you will find many such books.

The books I have found useful are (for grown ups as well):

Stick up for yourself! : every kid's guide to personal power and positive self-esteem / Gershen Kaufman

Bully by Judith Caseley

Clever Trevor / by Sarah Albee

Bullies are a pain in the brain / written and illustrated by Trevor Romain ; edited by Elizabeth Verdick.

Bully-proofing your child : a parent's guide / Carla Garrity, Mitchell Baris, William Porter.

Best.
-Rachna

I would probably be outside with my 7yr old instead of him being all over the neighborhood. We liveo ut in the country and my almost 8yr old is allowed to ride his bike with his friends, but he has to check in, I can see them riding up and down our small private road, and I'm always aware of where he is. Even at his age I'm not comfortable with him running all over alone without supervision. I think if you are around and out with him, the problem would go away.

The right thing to do is to protect your son. Bullying needs to be stopped before it gets out of hand. I would try talking to the parents. I don't have any other specific advice. You might get some good ideas from books. A good one, though not specifically about bullying, is called Protecting the Gift.

If it had been me I would've gone straight to the parents house and talked to them about what happened right then.
I've done it before, and no, the parents generally don't react well. Some parents turn the other way when it comes to their child's bad behavior.
We had a kid in our neighborhood who kept hitting my son, and I had caught this child doing it a couple of times and went outside to talk to her about it. Well this little brat kept doing it. So one day when he came inside screaming because she bit him so hard it left a mark on his arm. WOW! I don't know what happened after that, lol, I just saw red and heard whistles going off in my head. ( yea I know, I'm being dramatic :) but seriously my horns came up and claws came out and I walked over to the parents house and when the father answered the door I told him " IF YOUR CHILD TOUCHES MY SON AGAIN, I WILL CALL THE POLICE. SO YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION !"
I'm talking about a 9 yr old child, who has extreme anger issues.
Good luck with this, its hard when they're neighbors but you need to talk to the parents.

Of course you should interfere! Your 7 year old has not developed the tools to stand up for himself yet-- you are his parent---protect him! Go over to the neighbors house and nicely tell them that you need to talk to them about some bullying going on. State the truth of what occurred recently with your son and tell them you would like to be able to have the younger one over or whatever you want to say but you need them to talk to the older ones about bullying the little ones. Have all contact from now on over at your house until you see some change----invite the younger brother over. As for your son standing up for himself--let him know it is never ok for another child or adult or anyone to lay their hands on him-- its his body and he is in charge of protecting it. If the older ones bully again-- he can stand up to them and yell to stop and that he will let his mom/dad know what they are doing. Better yet, if the children know they will get some sort of consequence from their own parent-maybe they will stop. But as you talk to the other parents-- be non confrontational at the same time as firm in you won't stand for it-come from the position-- i love that we are neighbors and would like to continue our friendship etc. i have noticed some bullying going on between all the boys and I would like your help in enforcing some general ground rules-no pushing,hitting, throwing etc. Would you help me with this? Then see what they say----Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Molly

Bullying is a horrible thing - my grandson is going through it at school. First, do not just let it slide. Bullying has an extremely detrimental effect on the victim - low self-esteem, they think there's something wrong with them, etc. Also, telling your son to do different things or stay out of certain places is not the answer. In fact, in the brochure I received from the police department, asking or telling the victim to change what they do is under th hearing of "what doesn't work." Since the boys father came out and caught them, I think I would start with talking with the other boys parents. If you have a good neighborhood where everyone gets along and has known each other for a period of time, i would think that this parent would be receptive to talking to you. Whatever you do, don't ignor it. Your son will suffer for it.

You need to confront the parents of the two bully's. And your son should not go to their house. If you son wants to play with the younger brother, he should come to your house.

Don't let him go over to the house. If he wants to play with the boys' brother have him over to your house.
I agree with Janis L.; get out there and see the bulling so you can see what is happening with your own eyes.

Yes! you must go over to that house and speak with the Parents. Its not right for some kids, to teach your child that it is OK, to hit and go in the house! One, that is your son! Fighting is never good! and it being your son, who is hurt? that dont make sence to me.... You go over there and let them parents know that you know, and that it is not allowed anymore, and if the kids do it again, you will call the police! Dont worry about conflict?? You have to stand up for your son... he is too little to defend himself, or for you to even scare him? and you tell him to defend himself?

Hey Miranda,

Be involved with the other kids. I'd kick start a game of street hockey or freeze tag or something and get to know who is who.

Just because you're one of "the moms" doesn't mean you can get more involved. You live in that neighborhood. So do your kids. Your presence will definitely detour some of the bullying. Watch for it so you can see for yourself.

You don't have to spend every single day outside but you can definitely spend a few afternoons a week with them...maybe for an hour or so. And don't announce it either - just waltz outside and start playing with your own kids and let others join in - 2 little boys are not going to run an entire neighborhood. Step in and show the other kids how to handle mean kids.... that'll take away some of their intimidation.

If the 2 boys cause trouble, send them home. If it happens again, send them home and escort them and let their parents know whats going on and that you'd really appreciate a little more supervision since their kids are hurting others.

Thats just what I would do. In our neighborhood there are kids everywhere and we live in a lower income, not-so-nice-and-safe area. We chose to be here for several reasons, mostly to help out where we could. We knew it would create situations similar to yours with our own kids. I've handled many a bully. The most important thing is to get involved and make it stop, because bullying is absolutely unacceptable. I think recent news reports can prove that to everyone.

Best of luck to you guys, stay strong!

Bullying is unnecessary at 2 or 20. Do NOT let your son go to this boy's house. Or if he is there, be there too-- perhaps making some meal with the mom or taking over recipes or hanging out. People ALWAYS stick up for their family no matter how awful they may be--
This is NOT about whether or not your son can stand up for himself- it is about teaching ethical and proper behavior. If it happens again, I would talk to the parents. THey are going to tease him about ANYTHING- perhaps having you near him or not being able to play outside or his shorts or how he kicks a ball. You name it. Insecure people bully. Let your son know this. He can rise above this. Ask your pediatrician what to do.

Is there an adult in the neighborhood that your son likes that he can go to besides you? So if that other neighbor were to intervene it wouldn't make it seem so much like he was tattling to mom. And you may be able to find another parent who is also having problems with the same boys. Or if there is an older child that you could ask who might be his body guard for a while. You can ask the children he doesn't have a problem with to play at your house only. If it is happening during school hours it is important to get the school involved.

You are the mom, it takes a community to raise a child. Always do the right thing when children are involved. No bullies allowed. In school or on the play ground, so why should it acceptable in your own back yard. Just because you are neighbours does not mean you have to be friends or even need to be. In a prefect world maybe. Your child should feel safe and respected were ever he plays and with who ever he plays with. This is serious, I would speak to my neighbour about this incident. He might have been so caught up in his life he did not consider your child at all. Maybe he is too preaoccupied with his life at this time and can not handle an extra child. You could offer to supervise the visits too. Every parent has a different style. If this happens now it will happen later. I learned the hard way my teenage daughter was out for our July 1st celebration alone for the first time quite a few miles from home with friends her age and older. She was to take the bus back with the friends the girl with the most experience left without her friends and she had the cell phone. The children started to walk back on the back roads instead of waiting for another bus to come along. There were no buses on this road but they decide it was a faster route. I was worried and went looking for them. So did a another mom. She went the back way and found them. She found them and order her son into the car with a couple of friends and left my daughter alone after midnight on a dark road alone for the first time in her life. With her son screaming at his mother she left my daughter standing there alone and very confused and afraid. There was room in the car too. And she (the mother) did not call my home and leave message either for me. It was a long scary night. That boy was my daughters first boyfriend and had spent lots of time at his parents house. Go figure. So my daughter was no longer allowed to date or go out alone with out me or proper plans. I had to start from square one cause one parent's panic and poor judgment call. ( there is more to the story. The children have all grown up. On that same back road one of their good friends was coming home from a party drunk. He called a cab and did not drive that early morning,that was a good start. The cab decide my daughters friend was to drunk so he put him on the side of the road in the middle of the back road alone. He had no phone. Her friends was not only hit by one car and dragged but by a truck with a boat in tow. He lived long enough to receive help. And to be air lifted to Vancouver to a special hospital. The people that ran him down did not even know they had done it. It was an awful experience. And very poor judgment call on the cab driver part. He broke almost every bone in his body, plus more. His parents finally decided to disconnect him after the team of doctors said there would be no quality of life.) Good boundaries are good life skills. It was very hard on the children both times. Always protect your child first is a good motto. I think in this case it could have all been handled much better. My daughter is now an adult and she and the boy are still good friends, I do not speak to the mother is not my type of person frankly.
So stand up and be noticed do what you have to do. You are the only Mother your children have.
Try setting your house rules and personal yard rules. Tell the children what behavior you expect from them. Be respectful and expect the best. If the rules are not followed appropriate measures will be taken. You can make up your consequences ahead too if you like. Good fences make great neighbours. Stay strong and always do your best, you have a good head on your shoulders trust yourself more. If you go to the neighbour and speak to him,your son will learn this good behavior too. Using ones word power is the best way to stand up for oneself. A well seasoned parent.

Tough one to deal with but it is unfortunately one of those things we do need to help our kids out with. I would send your son to a martial arts school which will teach him how to defend himself both physically AND mentally (tae kwan do, karate, etc) and speak to the boys and their mom. I would also mention it to the teacher at school because alot of this behavior transfers beyond the neighborhood. If you let your son play with these boys vs finding other kids for him to play with, you must give him the tools he needs to defend himself. I have found that bully kids (girls as well as boys) have bully parents and therefore my kids aren't safe in those households. Why let your son go somewhere where he isn't safe and you can't trust that he will be safe? Once he has the tools to defend himself and the self confidence that martial arts give a child, you can loosen up with whom he plays with. This is the time to deal with this and not later when the bullies get really sadistic.