Motivation in My Teenager

Sometimes you have to provide a little motivation.
I grew up in a small town and didn't want to drive at first.
Anyplace I wanted to go I could ride my bike to.
But Mom flat out told me "You are learning to drive. It's a life skill and you need to know it.".
Once I had my license - she made a point of sending me on errands by car to fetch things at the store for her.
Soon I was driving all over and I was fine with it.
I lived at home through college and drove to campus every day in all kinds of weather.

While it would be great if she took the initiative to find a driving school - you might help a bit with that.

Driving is intimidating for many. I wouldn't push it. What is your reason for urging her? There is no rule that every teen who is eligible for something has to actually do it. That's actually a good lesson for high school in general - just because "everyone" is driving (or dating or going to the prom or drinking or vaping...) doesn't mean she has to. Wait it out, stop pushing. By high school, kids have to advocate for themselves, talk to their own teachers, be responsible for their own assignments & lunches & supplies, and so on.

Now, does her depression stop her from doing other things? Is she not completing other things? Task completion is a huge problem with depression, so if you see this across the board, then she either needs treatment (if she's not getting any) or more treatment (counseling, perhaps medications, alternative therapies) if she's already doing something. Moreover, attention disorders can be a barrier to things like driving that require great concentration.

Your daughter may not know how to organize her thoughts enough to research driving schools, but her friends are going to be doing it and talking about it, so she can inquire that way if she's interested. The school may have a program or at least information on them - a couple of driving schools in my area pick up at the high school at the end of classes, for example.

If your daughter is growing and maturing in her level of responsibility in other areas, if she is mastering life skills, that's good. If she's not, then it's time to negotiate with her on the things she needs to know to be a functioning adult. Does she do her own laundry? Does she cooperate and do family laundry, family chores? Can she function in a kitchen besides opening a bag of chips? Can she set the table, help prepare meals, wash dishes? Can she replace windshield washer fluid and put gas in the family car? Can she start and push a lawnmower? Is she starting to learn what things cost (groceries, electricity, cable, cell phone, clothes, insurance)? Does she work at all, even part time, in the neighborhood (walking dogs, weeding gardens, babysitting, taking in packages/mail for those on vacation)? If not, start with some of those things. She will feel more confident as she succeeds, and she will have the know-how and worldview she will need for college or the working world.

i really like that you expect her to put some effort into researching things that are important to her teenage life, and figuring out her own motivation. i think this is sensible parenting and really really important.

but sometimes a teen DOES need a little help, and i also applaud you for recognizing this.

i think the first step is to open the door to your reticent girl, and encourage her to share with you, at least partly, what's going on. of course, as a young teenager she's not deeply into introspection so probably doesn't actually know.

but it's a great place to start.

and the best place to do it is when you're both actually in the car. 'honey, it's time for you to start thinking about getting your license. i can't help noticing that you don't seem too excited about it. is there something worrying you? would you like for me to start working with you a little? or if you'd rather not with me, i'd be happy to help you start looking for driving schools. do you know which ones the other kids at school use?'

only not in a clump like that. one slow question at a time, with plenty of silence on the other end for her to fill. (or not- if she doesn't, don't niggle at her.)

looking back at my own teenage years (i too got my license pretty late) i sure didn't think i wanted more input from my stupid clueless eye-rolling yada yada parents, but boy, in retrospect did i need more. had i had ANY support or encouragement my late teens would have turned out very differently.

just keep gently opening the door. even when she keeps closing it.

i think you're already on the right track.
khairete
S.

Learning to drive can be a scary proposition. My daughter was not interested, but the summer between her Junior and Senior year, I insisted she take the lessons. She had been driving with us off and on throughout the school year and had her permit - which would have expired in the fall.
I made the appointment, scheduled the lessons and told her to be up and ready.
She was not pleased with me, but the ex-drill sergeant instructor was perfect for her. She did just fine and passed her exam right before school started. She still doesn’t “like” to drive a lot, but is comfortable behind the wheel and is a cautious and defensive driver.
All that to say, sometimes you have to make them do.

Driving where we live is a life skill and so I plan on treating it as such.

If I were waiting on my kids to sign themselves up for swim lessons...I'd still be waiting. They both swim like fish and I am not in a constant state of worry when we are near water. I watch them closely if they are in the water but I'm not worried if they fell in a pool or lake. They are now safer near the water because I signed them up and took them to swim lessons. Some group and some private but I was determined that they be able to swim and so it well.

My parents for my 15th birthday signed me up for driver's education. That was my whole present as I assumed it cost a hundred or more dollars. I walked (it was very close to my high school) everyday after school for a few weeks. My mom picked me up from there. That was that...then I practiced my driving as much as I could the next year and on my 16th birthday they took me to go take my driver's test.

So, treat it as a like skill and sign her up. You can still have conversations about how she feels but it is a skill she needs to know to navigate life. Unless she is moving to Manhattan or some very very small town where cars are not needed. Good luck!!

My son didn't really care about learning to drive until all of his friends started driving. My daughters both signed up for drivers ed as soon as they could and had their licenses the week they turned sixteen, they couldn't WAIT to drive! Unless you need your daughter to drive for some reason (like maybe it will make your life easier not having to drive her everywhere) I wouldn't really worry about it. If she's depressed I don't think adding to her stress and anxiety is going to help her.

I think it's a combo of confidence, maturity and comfort level. One of mine is going through process but not near as rushed as his friends. Slow and steady instead. Works for him.

The signing up for schools and one on one lessons with instructor - confusing. We looked into it. Then once we had, kids took over (our kid went with group). That's more fun too for kids if that helps.

If it's anxiety based (not wanting to drive) that's another issue. I wouldn't push it then.

I think the bigger issue here is the depression may be causing the lack of motivation and it sounds like there are anxiety issues around learning how to drive (which can be quite normal). The concern is, what else is she struggling to have the motivation to do? She may want to do these things but just “can’t”. I am a holistic nutritionist specializing in teen depression, anxiety, ADD. You can go to my site and search on my blog for articles on depression and this you may find helpful and give you some insight. Or sign up for my newsletter and you will receive several helpful articles right away. www.trufoodsnutrition.com